


Time Stands Still

by NotEvenCloseToStraight



Series: All The Time In The World [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Asexual Bucky Barnes, Aunt Peggy Carter, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Developing Relationship, Developing Winteriron, Domestic Bliss, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Humor, For Winteriron, Goodbye Peggy, Happily Ever After, Healing, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark Friendship, Living Together, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Not Movie Compliant after First Few Chapters, Past Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers, Polyamory, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Protective Steve Rogers, Relationship Negotiations, Slow Burn, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Stony - Freeform, Sweet, The Accords, Time Travel AU, Tony Fighting to Get The Accords Overturned, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, book three, bucky barnes pov, falling back in love, steve and bucky on the run, taking pictures
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-02-04 16:22:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 92,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18608164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotEvenCloseToStraight/pseuds/NotEvenCloseToStraight
Summary: A year ago, Tony Stark flew into the wormhole above New York and slipped through space and time to live two years in the 40s, only to wake up in 2012 less than a minute later, thinking it had all been a dream. It’s been a year of healing and acceptance, of secrets, heartbreak and coping, but with Steve by his side Tony is finding ways to be happy again.Then Steve finds Bucky.Time fell away to bring Tony and Bucky together once, and even though it feels like no time at all between Tony and Steve, seventy years of HYDRA sanctioned horror seems impossible to overcome and when the search for answers leads them to a bunker in Siberia, Bucky seems further and further away from the man Tony loved.But Tony wants both his soldiers by his side, so he keeps one hand held tight to Steve, and reaches for Bucky with the other and one night at a cabin in the hills, Bucky whispers, "Are you a sure thing, sweet thing?" and it seems like things will be okay.The good days are incredible but the bad days are heartbreaking and at times, none of them are sure it will work.But Time Stands Still when you’re in love, and now Tony, Bucky and Steve have all the time in the world to figure it out.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to the third and final installment of our time travel series! Seriously, those of you have stuck with me through this "was supposed to be a book but is now a trilogy" journey are amazing and I love you. 
> 
> Buckle up for some CACW-typical angst, some Bucky-centered healing, enough feels to make you cry and hopefully enough sweetness to give you cavities. 
> 
> These three have waited a long time for their happily ever after, but I promise it will be worth it.

“ _Today marks the one year anniversary of what has been dubbed the Battle of New York, a few words far too simple for the horror that rained down on us this time last year. There isn’t a person in the city that doesn’t remember the sky opening up and the creatures that poured through, and there isn’t a single one of us who walked away unaffected. Whether we had loved ones among the rubble or–.”_

“Change the channel please.”

“ _Yes sir_.”

“… _All across the country and all across the world, millions have gathered to mourn the loss of those who perished in the Battle of New York. The day lives in infamy not just as one of the biggest single attack against the United States, but also as the day that many of us realized that not only are we not alone in the universe, but that we are hopelessly outmatched should those others decide to pay a visit_ …”

“Change the channel.”

“ _Yes sir._ ”

“…  _a year since the Chitauri invasion and the government is still maintaining their tight lipped silence, denying answers to a nation and a world desperately needing explanations for what happened. There has been no sign of the team called Avengers, at least not all together and lately neither billionaire Tony Stark nor his alter ego super hero Iron Man have been seen out and about. One has to wonder when the general populace is still struggling with post traumatic stress and nightmares, how much worse is it for those who actually fought the_  …”

“JARVIS!”

“ _Perhaps some jazz, sir_.”

The channel changed for the third time in just a few moments and only after the first bluesy piano riff came over the speakers did Tony finally relax, the paintbrush falling from his hand as he ran his fingers through his hair and sighed.

He knew it was a year since the battle, of course he did. People just didn’t  _forget_ things like how shockingly heavy a nuclear bomb or how cold space was or the noise the Chitauri had made. He wasn’t going to forget his suit shutting down or falling like dead weight through the sky or waking up in the fucking  _nineteen forties_  either.

Tony didn’t need to be reminded that this had been the hardest year of his entire life, that somehow it had  _only_ been a year and so much had happened, and hearing it again from every single news channel all day long was only making him anxious.

“Call Spangles please.” he requested and the music moved to the background, JARVIS dialing Steve’s number immediately, the phone only ringing once before it picked up.

“Tony?” Steve sounded like he was talking over the wind. “Hey sweetheart! I was just going to call you and tell you I was home!”

“Well it’s about damn time you got back from your little jaunt around the globe.” Tony leaned his head back against the wall and smiled. “How are you?”

“Well shucks, I’m sure doing better the longer we talk.” Steve was grinning, Tony could hear it through the phone and that combined with the goofy speech made him smile more even as Steve sobered up to say, “How are you doing, though? I saw all the special reports on the news about New York. Wish I could have been here so you didn’t have to listen to it all alone. I know it isn’t easy.”

“Yeah, surprisingly enough it’s sort of shitty to watch yourself fall from a wormhole over and over and over on every available news channel.” Tony picked idly at a sliver in his thumb. “ _You_ look great in the footage though. I’m banged half to hell and look like I woke up in a dumpster, which to be fair? I did like seventy years earlier. But somehow you and Thor look gorgeous. Is that a blonde thing or just a ‘ _I’m sort of immortal_ ’ thing? Do you guys not know what a bad camera angle is?”

“You’re deflecting.” Steve said easily. “Sure I look great wearing that ridiculous costume and hefting something big and–” he coughed. “–thick in my hand–” Tony nearly choked, wheezing out a surprised laugh. “– but you’re deflecting. Tell me how you’re doing with all the footage of New York.”

“…better than I thought I would.” Tony admitted. “It’s not easy hearing about it or seeing it on repeat, but really all it did was made me miss you. Made me miss Bucky.”

“Yeah.” the noise behind Steve cut off abruptly as he most likely stepped into the elevator. “Yeah, I know the feeling. I’ve been thinking about him a lot today too. Not just cos I’m looking for him, just some of the other memories.”

“Right.” Tony chewed at his lip for a few seconds so his voice wouldn’t shake when he spoke again. “So you’re home?”

‘“Home and ready to see you.” Steve confirmed. “Come upstairs and find me, we’re weeks overdue for a good kiss.”

“I’m actually up at the cabin.” Tony glanced around the loft bedroom, then down at the bed frame he’d been staining. “But I brought the helicopter so I can be home in an hour. Take a shower and wait for me.”

“What do you mean take a shower? I’ll have you know that not only do I always look great on camera, but that I am  _always_ minty fresh.”

“First off, you’re ridiculous.” Tony informed him. “And second, I knew you both before and after the serum, before and after workouts and missions and now before and after spending nights together? And I can assure you, you are  _not_ always minty fresh.”

“I’m offended.”

“Well take a damn shower then. I require brushed teeth and deodorant from people I kiss.”

“Alright, that’s fair.” the call switched to speaker phone, Steve’s voice muffled like he was taking his shirt off. “So you’re up at the cabin? How’s that bed frame coming along? Did you find the right color stain for it yet or are you still looking?”

“You remembered I was working on the bed frame?” Tony’s heart did something funny and swoopy at the thought of Steve remembering his current project even after being gone for weeks looking for Bucky. “I um– yeah. I found a great stain for it. I went with a reddish color since the bed is upstairs and we see the tops of the–”

“–of the maples in the yard and they’ll turn red in the fall” Steve finished. “Right. I think that’s going to be perfect, honey. Good choice. Bucky’s favorite color is red, you know.”

“Yeah.” Tony closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I know. I remember.”

“Well take your time and get it done.” Steve was further away now, the white wash of water fuzzing through their call. “I’ll be here when you get home, okay?”

“I’ll be there in an hour.”

“No rush, Tony.”

“I’ll be there in an hour.” Tony repeated, already resealing the can of stain and wrapping his brush, wiping his hands on his jeans. “See you soon. Love you, Spangles.”

Steve  _mwah_ -ed him a kiss through the phone which was the silliest, sweetest thing in the world and a few months ago Tony might have rolled his eyes but now he loved it. He loved that Steve was goofy with their relationship and he loved that they’d made it past all those nights of tears and long talks and nightmares to finally just smile and laugh and tease together.

Tony loved it and he loved Steve and he loved being able to say it out loud.

“JARVIS, turn the music back up.” he instructed, then set about cleaning the still mostly deconstructed loft, the pieces of the bed frame lined carefully on drying racks so the stain wouldn’t smudge, the tarp tucked carefully over the beautiful hardwood floor so nothing would drip. It had taken three days and eight different stain samples to decide on the color for the bed and it was simply gorgeous. Tony didn’t resist running his hand over a dried piece, letting himself wonder for a split second if Bucky really would love it.

No time to focus on that though, not when he needed to lock up the cabin and head back towards Manhattan, so Tony pushed the thought away and jogged downstairs.  

The banister on the stairs was temporary at best, just enough to keep Tony from pitching over the side as he went, and the bottom stair was still dodgy from when he’d trashed the place months ago after finding out about his parents so Tony detoured into the barely functional kitchen to add ‘bottom stair repair’ to his ever growing list of projects for the cabin.

Working on the cabin was a never ending job, but it was one Tony enjoyed right down to the tiniest detail. Long days working had given him back a healthy tan and the arm and back strength that had weakened during his months of depression and solitude. He had wrinkles at the corner of his eyes from squinting in the sun as he cut and measured, but they folded into smile wrinkles every time he laughed which was something Tony did more now than he ever used to. It felt good to work with his hands to  _create_ again, and this time Tony wasn’t creating weapons or armor or programs, this time– for the first time– Tony was creating a home.

Every nail hammered was a labor of love, every repair and every fix and every adjustment to the small house a step towards the life he wanted. Rebuilding the bed frame and painting it in shades of a color that had been Bucky’s favorite, a color he and Steve wore constantly. The kitchen table designed with three matching chairs instead of two or four. The custom bathtub he’d ordered that was more than big enough for a super soldier, and the separate shower with shower heads that sat at almost seven feet so neither Steve nor Bucky would ever be frustrated by a too short shower. The closet upstairs was absolutely huge and Tony knew– he  _knew_ – that he was designing this all with the mindset that one day he, Steve and Bucky would all live here and he knew that might never happen, it might be a pipe dream, it might be a lost cause.

Bucky might never come home and Steve might never want to stay here and Tony might not be able to live here after all was said and done.

Tony knew all that, but it didn’t stop him from shopping for three different recliners, couches with at least three seats and not just two, for making sure he ordered plates and cups in multiples of three as well.

He was creating a home, the home he wanted for the life he dreamed about when he closed his eyes, and that home required three people.

After another quick sweep through to make sure he hadn’t missed anything important and a check at the mantle to make sure his and Bucky’s pictures were still propped up by a fresh bouquet of wildflowers. The door locked behind him and less than ten minutes later Tony was airborne and heading for Manhattan, for the Tower and for  _Steve_.

 **From Tony** :  _Coming home, babe. T-minus forty eight minutes and counting._

 **From Steve** :  _Christ, I can’t wait to see you._

 **From Tony** :  _Language, Cap. God, you’re on a mission for a few weeks and turn into a degenerate._

 **From Steve** :  _Come here and give me something else to do with my tongue then._

 **From Tony** :  _WHAT_

 **From Tony** :  _You are a far cry from the good ol’ boy I knew in the forties. The Smithsonian would burn your display down if they knew what sort of things you talked about. For shame. For SHAME. For someone who still wears high waisted, pleated khakis you are shockingly uncouth._

 **From Steve** :  _Yeah, everyone’s real surprised the guy that was a virgin until almost thirty and then chilled his balls in the ice for seventy years turns out to be a horn dog. Big shock._

 **From Steve** :  _Hurry home to me, Tony. I’ll let you rip my pleated khakis right off._

 **From Tony** :  _Honestly, that shouldn’t sound half as sexy as it is. Dating a hundred year old has completely ruined my scale for sexiness._

 **From Steve** :  _Aren’t you technically sort of a hundred years old now too?_

 **From Tony:**   _Keep talking like that and the only place your pleated khakis are going is to the old folks home._

**************

**************

There was an rule between Tony and Steve after every mission– first they spent time together reconnecting, then they talked about Steve’s search to find Bucky. Tony had been adamant that looking for Bucky didn’t ruin what he and Steve had, and Steve was so grateful for Tony’s foresight into both their fairly obsessive natures that he could have wept. 

“We can focus on Bucky when he’s back home.” Tony had insisted. “But I don’t want to lose you because we’re so intent on finding him we forget  _we’re_ in love, right? I just got you back Spangles, not gonna lose you again.”

“Right.” Steve had answered, scooping Tony into his arms and carrying him to the bed. “I don’t want to lose you either, Tony.”

It was a  _rule_ , so the minute Tony touched down at the Tower he was tearing down the hall to Steve’s room and banging on the door, calling “Spangles, you might be old but I know you aren’t deaf! Open the door!”

He didn’t have time for another sassy remark because Steve yanked the door right open and grabbed his hand, pulling Tony close and covering his mouth in a much needed, long awaited kiss.

“Hey you.” Tony threw his arms around Steve’s neck and kissed him right back. “Welcome home.”

“ _Mmmm_.” Steve’s sigh was more of a  _rumble_ and Tony shivered over it, pressing closer to a still shower-damp chest, his hands automatically skipping down Steve’s bare sides to pluck at the hem of his towel. “Sweetheart, I missed you.”  

“I missed you too.” Tony pushed their foreheads together and tipped his mouth up for another kiss, letting go of the towel with one hand to sift through the longish blonde hair at Steve’s neck. “You’re getting shaggy, Mr. Rogers. We’ll have to get you a haircut.”

“Oh that’s Captain Rogers to you.” Steve deepened his voice dramatically and Tony pinched at the non-existent pudge on Steve’s side in exasperation. “No no say it. Call me  _Captain_ Rogers.”

“I’ll call you Captain Not-Getting-Laid-Tonight if you don’t kiss me again.” Tony grumbled and Steve shut him up with a sweet, soft press of lips. “Yeah, that’s better. Were you planning on putting on clothes so we can talk or just lounging around in a towel and distracting me?”

“Tony.” This kiss wasn’t sweet at all, the hand low on Tony’s hip wasn’t gentle and when Steve fit a thigh between Tony’s legs and rocked into him meaningfully, there was nothing  _soft_ about that either. “I didn’t really plan on talking.”

“I swear.” Tony clucked his tongue in mock disapproval as Steve hustled him towards the bed. “I swear if anyone knew you were half this dirty all the time–”

“What do you mean  _dirty_?” The towel landed somewhere across the room and Tony shrieked with laughter as there was suddenly two hundred plus pounds of super soldier pressing him into the pillows. “I just took a goddamn shower, let me show you how squeaky clean I am.”

******************

******************

“Tell me about the cabin.” Steve finished cleaning up with his previously discarded towel and dropped it in the laundry before stretching out on the bed with a yawn. He was exhausted after three almost four solid weeks on the ground overseas and needed to sleep but he also needed to  not let go of Tony for several more hours, and a nap would cover both those things. “What have you been working on besides the bed frame?”

“If I start telling you about how I managed to hang a new mantle at the fireplace, you’re just going to fall asleep.” Tony informed him, already making room for the big blonde to lay on his chest, Steve’s hand creeping up to rest over the arc reactor like it always did. “But I don’t actually care about that because the new mantle is  _magnificent_. I found this old log turned over by the river and it and has all these striation marks from the silt and rocks? So instead of sanding it all the way smooth like most mantles, I filled the scratch marks with gold paint so it looks like–”

“–Kintsukuroi.” Steve cut in over a yawn, winding his leg through Tony’s and cuddling closer. “Gold in cracks to create something beautiful from something nearly broken.”

“And how the hell do you know a word like  _that_?”

“I’m not just pretty.” Steve grumbled. “I’m smart too.”

“Okay.” Tony kept running his fingers through the shaggy hair, quietly loving the way it curled at the very ends. “But how did you  _really_ know it?”

“Mmph.” Steve grumbled again and felt around for his phone, scrolling through the messages before clicking on an audio message so Tony could listen.

“– _Gonna add some gold paint to this beauty, make it like the Kintsukuroi art. Every single one of us knows what it’s like to be just about broken and I mean, me and Steve made it through to something better and more beautiful and one day Bucky will too. He will. Steve’s going to find him and bring him home and it will just be– just gold in our broken pieces and it’s taken seventy god damn years, but we’ll make it_.”

“Oh.” Tony’s touch slowed, then paused uncertainly. “Did I butt dial you? I didn’t actually mean to send that, I was just thinking out loud.”  

“You probably mentioned something out loud about calling me and JARVIS did.” Steve put his phone back and wrapped his arm around Tony’s waist again. “But my phone went to voicemail and that’s the message I got when I checked later.”

“…You saved it?”

“I like that you think about me enough to call without realizing.” Steve admitted, squeezing Tony into a gentle hug. “And I love that every time you put something else in the cabin, it’s with all three of us in mind.”

“Well how else would I build it?” Tony frowned. “I built the Tower for me and the Malibu home for me and I’ve got different apartments for when I travel and I’ve got a place outside of Paris and one in Dubai– why would I build the cabin just for me? I’m tired of building things just for me. The cabin is… well it’s ours.”

“But it was Bucky’s dream.” Steve pointed out carefully, feeling the steady heartbeat beneath his palm pick up. “I wasn’t even around for that part. And I know rebuilding it has helped you cope while I’m gone, and helped you deal with some of the things we found in Bucky’s file so–”

“You’re gonna do this again?” Tony glared down at him, the moment shifting from easy to  _tense_ just that quickly. “Going to try and take a step back because you think I won’t be happy with both you and Bucky? Are you going to make me argue with you when this is the first time we’ve seen each other in weeks? Damn it Steve, I’m too naked to have this argument again!”

“Stop.” Steve leaned up and kissed Tony soundly. “I’m not saying that, honey. I’m not saying that at all. Please don’t argue with me ever, and definitely not when we’re still naked.”

“Then  _what the hell are you saying_?”

“That if you need something that is just yours and Bucky’s, I’m fine with it.” Steve explained and Tony’s eyes narrowed in confusion. “You and I– we have stuff that’s just  _ours_ , right? We eat Rocky Road ice cream in bed and we spend time in your lab and if we have a choice between my bed or yours, you always choose to sleep in  _my_ bed as payback for all the times I snuck into yours and stole all your blankets. And when Bucky comes home, you’ll have things just the two of you do too. All I’m saying is that it’s fine. I understand, and it’s  _fine_.”

“And you thought the cabin would be one of those things that’s just mine and Bucky’s?”

“I sort of did.” Steve’s shoulder rose and fell in a shrug. “And it didn’t bother me in the least.” 

“Okay.” Tony was quiet for a minute. “Well there are three chairs at the kitchen table, alright?”

“Alright, sweetheart.” Steve settled back into Tony’s chest, closing his eyes against a wave of exhaustion. “Three chairs sounds real good.”

“Good, now shut up about it.” Tony sank further on the pillows and pulled a throw blanket up over their legs. “So you sort of took the fun out of my log mantle story, so I’ll tell you the super boring story of the fabric patterns I picked out for the recliners.”

Steve drifted in and out of a nap with a smile on his face, Tony rambling on about whether or not big squares or smaller were better for a recliner, because it was a cabin so he wanted it to look rustic and flannel was definitely rustic, but he wasn’t actually into the whole flannel look–

“You would be adorable in flannel.” Steve interrupted sleepily and a very light kiss landed on his brow before Tony kept chatting about patterns and colors and whether or not the recliners needed to have wooden handles or push buttons.

They could talk about Bucky later, could talk about how Steve had been almost positive that Bucky was tracking him sometimes instead of the other way around, how he’d stepped into a nondescript apartment on the top floor of a tall building at the end of a one way street and  _known_ that he had just missed Bucky, that he was only minutes behind his friend. Sometimes he’d caught a reflection out of the corner of his eye and turned around to find no one there– or at least no one obvious.

And it might not have been Bucky. It might have been remnants of HYDRA waiting for a chance to jump him, could have been leftovers of SHIELD with a directive to keep an eye on Steve. It could be the watchdogs from the UN determined to make sure it was  _Steve_ crossing international borders and not  _Captain America_.

It might not have been Bucky at all, but it also  _might_ have been and that’s why Steve had stayed an extra four days this time around.

It could have been Bucky and that’s why even at half asleep Steve’s mind was working through his strategy for the next time around, where he thought Bucky would be based on his movements in the last several months. There was a definite pattern to Bucky’s travels, a predictability in the rooms he chose to rent, the places he appeared on cameras only if it was for a split second.

It wasn’t a pattern that anyone would notice, but Steve was a master tactician, a master planner and he noticed  _everything_.

Howard’s code helped of course, the list of previous Winter Soldier sightings as they lined up with former Commando and SHIELD missions. And Tony’s creation of a facial recognition system, deployed in key locations across the globe with JARVIS constantly monitoring helped too, but there still needed to be boots on the ground physically  _looking_ and those boots belonged to Steve.

And it was worth it, every single step, but  _damn_ it was good to get back home and back to Tony where he belonged.

Seventy years between them and somehow all that time had fallen away so Steve could have someone he loved back at his side every night when he was home and it was nothing short of a miracle.

Right here was where he belonged, and when he found Bucky, it would be where  _Bucky_ belonged too.

Steve leaned up and kissed Tony’s temple, his cheek, down along his jawline and Tony stopped talking mid-sentence, blinking down at him in surprise.

“Everything alright, Spangles?”

“I love you.” Steve said simply and went right back to napping.

“…oh.” Tony smoothed a line from Steve’s brow. “Well that’s good, because I love you too, Spangles.”

******************

******************

( _Vienna_ )

Vienna was beautiful and it made Bucky’s head hurt in the same way it did every time he tried to place a location or an event or a name.

After so many months, he’d learned to not force the memories, to let them happen as he wandered through cities he didn’t actually remember but was drawn to, he learned not to startle when the migraines came on suddenly and to give himself some distance from whatever triggered them.

And he remembered…  _some_.

It came in bits and pieces, in lines of dialogue and flashes of faces. He understood at least eight of the languages he’d encountered so far and could comfortably speak six. He liked plums and hated cherries, and while roses stirred nothing at all in his mind, the wildflowers that grew alongside every road made him feel… fond. Or at least what he  _thought_ was fond.

The color red sparked a feeling of contentment, but red next to blue made him sad and he knew because of the things he’d read that he was sad because Steve Rogers wore red and blue and Steve Rogers was his best friend. Shades of brown with golden tones made his heart beat faster and Bucky knew that had something to do with  _Brooklyn_ but that was a memory that hurt and hurt and  _hurt_ so he avoided it as best he could.

He didn’t know why  _Vienna_ , but this had seemed the next logical choice and Bucky had been here for almost twelve hours and had yet to see Steve Rogers behind him. He must have gone back home, but Bucky knew it was only a matter of time before the blonde found him again.

His red note book was open in his lap, today’s page nearly filled with scribbles as he wrote down facts as they came to him, many repeated for page after page because they were the only things he knew for certain were absolutely true.

_Steve Rogers is my best friend. Blonde hair, blue eyes. Six foot two inches. Two hundred and forty pounds. Used to be sick all the time until he became a super soldier. His name is Captain America._

_I was a soldier of HYDRA_

_I am a product of HYDRA_

_I am an experiment of HYDRA_

_My name is Brooklyn and brown is my favorite color._

_My name is Bucky and red is my favorite color._

_My name is Sergeant Barnes and I disappeared in 1945 after I fell from a train._

_I can dismantle and rebuild any gun I pick up. I can kill a man from over eighteen hundred yards. My left arm is a weapon and it hurts all the time._

_I hurt all the time._

_My name is Brooklyn and I loved someone with brown eyes._

_My name is Bucky and Steve Rogers is my best friend._

_My name is Sergeant Barnes and I disappeared in 1945 after I fell from a train._

_I don’t have a home._

The world suddenly shifted as an explosion several blocks over  _rocked_ the restaurant patio where Bucky sat writing and purely out of habit, he retrieved his back pack and took off at a flat run, scooting around screaming pedestrians and dodging cars to get back to his safe house as quickly as possible.

Bombs were not good. Bombs were  _not good_  and he did not want to be anywhere around when law enforcement came looking for suspects. Bucky knew he was a wanted man, knew that when HYDRA had fallen any survivors had been hunted down and taken into custody and then never seen again and Bucky didn’t want to disappear in an empty cell and a shallow grave before he had his answers.

_No no no no._

So he ran even though he wasn’t guilty this time, even though it was pure coincidence that the bomb had detonated only a few blocks from where he sat. He ducked around corners and kept his hat firmly down on his head, avoiding the camera’s he’d mapped out on his first foray into the city, planning on climbing the fire escape to enter his temporary rooms from the outside window so no one would see him on the streets out in front.

It was a good plan. 

But Bucky couldn’t plan for the car that turned unexpectedly down the one way and nearly ran him over, pushing him into the line of sight of a camera mostly hidden across the street and under an awning, a small security camera for a flower shop that only ever recorded passers-by and couldn’t  _possibly_ have picked up his face.  

_He was fine._

But halfway across the world, JARVIS came online in an instant, his system having picked up on the markers in Bucky’s stride, in his face, in the way he moved and the way the metal arm hung from his shoulder.

“ _Sir_.” the lights in Steve’s bedroom came on full force and Tony threw a pillow at the ceiling in protest while Steve groaned and burrowed under the covers. “ _Sir, there has been a bombing in Vienna_.”

“J, I think I’m too naked to care about that sort of thing right now.”

“ _Sir, the United Nations building in Vienna has come under attack via bombing and Sergeant Barnes has been spotted within the vicinity, no more than a few blocks away_.”

“I’m going.” Steve was out of bed in a split second, snagging his suit from the closet and jumping into it. “Tony, I’m going right now.”

“Well you sure as hell can’t go as Captain America.” Tony yanked his shirt over his head. “Steve, the  _Accords,_ remember _?_  You can’t go as Captain America. It’s considered an act of aggression to cross borders sporting that spangly suit.” 

“But it will look like a personal vendetta or an attempt at covering something up if I go over in plain clothes and am spotted.” Steve argued back, hefting his shield. “No, they need to see me bringing Bucky in as Captain America.Then it will look as if we are bringing a suspect in to answer some questions. We have to do this right.”

“The right way is going through the UN first! We’ve talked about this!” Tony retorted and Steve shot back, “Then  _you_ put on your fancy suit and talk to the UN! But I’m going to get Bucky!”

“Be careful please.” Tony pulled him down for a kiss. “I get that sometimes it’s easier to ask forgiveness rather than permission, god knows I’ve used that mentality more than a few dozen times in my life. But be careful, alright? I’m not posting bail for you if you get arrested in Vienna.”

“No one’s going to arrest Captain America.” Steve teased, but his eyes were dark with worry. “I’m going to bring him home, Tony. I promise.” 

“I know you will.” Tony pushed him out the door, already pulling out his phone to start making phone calls and arrangements, ordering JARVIS to inform both Pepper and Rhodey of what was happening. “The question is whether or not Bucky is  _Bucky_ enough to come home.” 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First of all, apologies for the delayed posting, I full intended to have this finished like three days ago and life just didn’t agree with that at all. 
> 
> This chapter follows the “Steve finds Bucky in Bucharest” part of CACW but I sort of cherry picked the parts of the fight/chase I wanted and since most of this chapter is from Bucky’s POV it doesn’t follow the movie line for line so don’t get picky lol 
> 
> Can’t wait to hear what you guys think of this one, overall I’m fairly proud of the chapter and am excited to scream about it with you!

Bucky had thought it best to leave Vienna the same day as the attack at the UN building, emptying his safe house and crossing borders in a round about way until he made it to Romania. If he was being tracked by someone, the journey would look random and wandering and unaware, but every step was purposeful, every change in direction according to his plan, and  _if_ someone was following him, Bucky would be the one ready with a surprise attack. **  
**

He liked Romania. He liked the people and the food and the language was one he spoke without any difficulties, with no need for translation or coaching. He didn’t know what that meant exactly– was he Romanian? Had he worked many missions here? Were his handlers Romanian?– but it was a relief to not have to focus on minute details every second of every day and Bucky was grateful for the rest.

His memories recovered easier here, the headaches less intense and even living out of a tiny one room apartment in a less than reputable building, Bucky was breathing easier than he had since those first few nights after the helicarriers had come down.

And last night, for the first night, Bucky had  _dreamed_.

It had been fuzzy, unclear, like watching a scene through a glass cup– a tiny blonde in the alley with a bloody nose, a brunette turned half away so Bucky couldn’t see his face.

_“Terrible job looking after Stevie. Really just awful. All you had to do was go see a movie with him, and now I gotta break up a brawl in the alley? Come on, California. I need more than that from you.”_

There was a grin that made Bucky’s heart skip a beat, the name  _Brooklyn_ said over a clear, knowing laugh and a twist of sweet  _sweet_ anticipation when Bucky finally got a look at whiskey warm eyes.

He knew those eyes and he knew that laugh and that smile–  _god_ he knew that smile– and Bucky had woken up already reaching out, grabbing towards the other side of the bed as if someone should be there, ready to shout a name that he had been so sure he’d known for a second there in the dream.

A headache had set in almost immediately as Bucky searched his memories for the name, as he tried and failed to recapture the dream so he could just  _know_ –

He didn’t know. He didn’t know the name of the man with that smile.

But Steve Rogers had been in the dream too, and Steve Rogers was best friends with Sergeant James Barnes and Bucky knew if he could find Steve Rogers– or let Steve Rogers find him– Steve Rogers would have answers.

Steve Rogers. Steve Rogers.

 _Stevie_.

“Stevie.” Bucky said out loud, turned the word over in his mouth and tried to settle it with the image of Steve Rogers, Captain America. “Stevie.”

> _“Jesus Christ.” One of Bucky’s hands slid up to tangle in Steve’s hair. “I leave you for a few weeks and you’re letting your hair grow out, getting in fights. You’re a mess, Stevie. Maybe I should stay home, huh? Make sure you don’t go off half cocked and get yourself killed?”_
> 
> _“I’m fine, Buck. I’ll survive without you.” Steve leaned back into the touch. “Been doin’ alright so far.”_
> 
> _“You’ve been doin’ terrible so far.” Bucky corrected, and let his hands linger a minute longer, an indulgent smile on his face. “But whatever you wanna say, punk.”_

“Stevie.” Bucky crossed the room to his red notebook, opened to a fresh page and wrote–

_Steve Rogers is Stevie._

_Stevie is my best friend._

_My name is Buck._

He went out for more fruit that morning, leaving his backpack and notebook at the little room and dressing in his least noticeable clothing. Bucky always took a different route to the market, cutting down streets and skipping corners and never approaching the plaza from exactly the same angle and this morning he came in from the east, the entrance closest to his favorite fruit stall.

“Are they good?” he asked, feeling along the rows of plums for the best fruit, holding them carefully in his left hand and offering the vendor a half smile. “Can I have six today?”

Something was  _wrong_ and Bucky knew it immediately. 

The vendor bagged up Bucky’s plums and thrust the bag at him hastily, not even giving his customary goodbye before he backed out of his stall and left the area altogether.

Something was  _wrong_ and Bucky mentally kicked himself for walking into so public a place without first checking for any danger. 

He slowed his steps and took careful stock of the plaza, of the eyes turning to stare, of the faces that jerked away so he wouldn’t see them watching.

_No no no._

After half a century of HYDRA, Bucky was used to being invisible, to being overlooked, to being in the middle of a crowd and blending in perfectly, to staying in the shadows and being unseen and he did not like that everyone in the plaza was suddenly  _seeing_ him.

_Something was wrong._

There, a newspaper stand, and Bucky kept his steps measured and gait steady as he approached but that didn’t stop the man at the kiosk from tripping over his feet trying to run away, abandoning his entire business just to get away from Bucky.

_Something was wrong._

It was a shock to his own face on the front page of the newspaper, a bigger shock to see it with the headline of Winter Soldier. They were blaming him for the bombings in Vienna, for the attack on the UN and the resulting deaths and Bucky clenched his jaw, his breath coming faster as he scanned the article.

Fifty years of being invisible and now his face was on every paper in the plaza, most likely every paper in the country. The Winter Soldier who had been nothing more than a myth to all but a handful of people suddenly named and identified and publicly blamed for the demise of several dignitaries. There was an international manhunt in process, rulers of different countries screaming for blood, for his blood, talk of conspiracies and assassination and of HYDRA and Nazi’s returning to wreak vengeance using the Soldier as their weapon. 

_No no no._

Bucky refolded the paper and set it back with the others, picked up his bag of plums and left the plaza a different way than he’d come in, not letting the panic screaming through his veins be known in anything more than his more-rapid-than-usual blinking. 

Time to disappear again.

******************

Bucky saw the man on the roof of his building– American, red and grey armor with a shield on the back that looked like it opened to wings, five ten, easily two hundred pounds, heavily armed– and he saw the Special Forces team coming from the south– German, twelve strong, no doubt a side contingency of an additional six trying to flank the building– and he knew that meant someone was already in his apartment.

It was the man with the shield, the one the articles said was Captain America, the one Bucky knew was also  _Stevie_ , standing there flipping through the red notebook with his back to the door.

A foolish position, one a soldier on a manhunt would never put himself into, back to the door presenting an open and easy target. It was a foolish position and an obviously  _intentional_ position.

Captain America, Steve Rogers,  _Stevie_ knew Bucky was there.

“Do you know me?” he put the notebook down and turned to face Bucky as a voice– the American on the roof– came through his comms. “Bucky, do you know me?

“You’re Steve.” Bucky acknowledged the vulnerable position, the show of  _trust_ with the barest incline of his head. “I read about you in a museum. They’ve got a lot of pictures of you up there, told me all about who you are. Captain America.”

“Right. A museum.” A flicker of grief over Steve’s features and Bucky wondered if it was the same sort of sadness he felt seeing the name James Buchanan Barnes– his own name– on a display. “You read about me. But do you  _know_ me?”

“I wasn’t in Vienna.” Bucky ignored the question, tipping his head to listen to the voices coming up the stairs. “I mean, I  _was_ in Vienna, but I didn’t do the bombing. I don’t do that sort of thing anymore.”

“Well there’s a whole lot of people coming here who think you did.” Steve was speaking slowly, calmly but there was a tenseness to his posture as if he thought Bucky might panic and run. “And I don’t think they are planning on taking you alive.”

“That’s smart.” Bucky smiled a little, but there was no joy in it. “Good strategy. They couldn’t take me alive anyway, not even if they tried.”

He wasn’t bragging, wasn’t boasting, he was simply stating facts and Steve cursed out loud. “This doesn’t have to end in a fight, Buck. You can come with me, we can walk right out of here and get this whole thing cleared up, get you some help. It doesn’t have to be a fight.”

“Sure it does.” A wash of exhaustion, a wash of  _not again_ , nearly sent Bucky to his knees, but he pushed it away, forced his eyes open and his concentration to the forefront.  _What was one more fight after everything he’d gone through, everything he’d done?_  “It always ends in a fight.”

“You pulled me from the river.” Steve was talking faster now, eyes darting around the room mapping exit points and checking for potential weak spots and Bucky– Bucky didn’t know if he recognized that because he knew Steve Rogers would do things like that, or if because it was what  _he_ would do if the situation was reversed. “Why did you do that? Why did you save me?”

“…I don’t know.” Bucky pulled his glove off his left hand, tossed it away and closed the gleaming fingers into a fist. “I don’t know.”

“Yes you do. Tell me why.”

“I don’t know.” Bucky said again, and this time he met Steve’s gaze head on. “And it hurts when I try to remember. So maybe you ask me again if we both survive this.”

“Don’t run, Buck.” Steve warned,  _pleaded_. “It will just make you look guilty and if you run, I can’t help you.”

“Don’t need your help.” Bucky closed his eyes, slowed his breathing, counted to ten. “And I’m definitely guilty.”

The room exploded then, grenades through the window and battering rams at the door, soldiers shouting and scrambling and Bucky reacted in an instant, diving for cover from the bullets then overturning the table and throwing it towards the door to slow down their entrance to the room.

Men were coming in from the window and Bucky threw one into a bookshelf, took out another with a brick and put a third through the wall and just before he took out a fourth, Steve grabbed his arm and screamed, “Buck!  _Stop_! You’re going to kill someone!”

“I’m not going to kill anyone.” Bucky slammed Steve into the floor without even registering the weigh, his fist plowing through the ancient floorboards to grab his go-bag. He tossed his notebook inside and threw the entire thing out the window before turning to tell Steve. “I told you I don’t do that anymore. Are you coming or not?”

Steve looked like he was  _thinking_ again, but he seemed to make up his mind quickly enough. “I’m coming. Let’s get the hell out of here. “

It was a blur after that, a blur of bodies and of noise as they pummeled their way down the stairwell. Bucky was snatching weapons and tossing them aside, pitching men over the railing only for Steve to grab them and secure them back on the landing, grumbling as he went and if he wouldn’t have been running for his very life, Bucky might have smiled about it. That damnable shield clanged off the walls as Bucky plunged right down the center of the staircase and grappled at railings to slow his fall, using soldiers to break through doors with Steve just a few steps behind him at all times.

There was something  _familiar_ about this, about the way they moved and fought together, the way Bucky could step one way and know Steve would be covering the other side, a half step and a jump and he snatched the shield when Steve flung it his way. It wasn’t so much a memory to stay in step as it was an  _instinct_ , one that told Bucky he could trust Steve no matter what, that Steve always had his back and Bucky–

_–I’m with you to the end of the line–_

“Shit.” he dropped to his knees as a migraine snapped into full force behind his eyes, temporarily blinding him and Steve yelled for him from above, tucking and rolling into the shield to put someone else out of commission, kneeling at Bucky’s side to ask–

“Buck? You with me? What’s going on?”

Bucky growled in frustration, in  _anger_ , spun around when he saw a group of three approaching from the rear and planted his foot in Steve’s chest, sending him flying towards the men and all four of them crashed through the wall and out the other side, breaking open a spot for him to finally escape into fresh air.

Steve cursed and cursed and  _cursed_ as he stumbled out of the mess of drywall and pipes and Bucky shouted, “Language!” as he jumped from the balcony and onto the adjoining roof and he didn’t really know  _why_ he’d said that, but Steve stopped for a second in shock and then it looked like he smiled–

–and then a human sized  _cat_ barreled out of nowhere and took down Bucky with him, rolling him across the room and damn near taking off his head with a clawed swipe. 

Bucky had seen a lot of things in his time as a HYDRA operative but he had certainly never seen  _that_ before and even though fear wasn’t something he’d felt as the Soldier, he felt it now facing with an obviously enhanced fighter, faster and smoother than Bucky could ever hope to be and apparently bullet proof to top it off.

So Bucky did what he’d been doing for months now, every since DC, ever since he’d tracked down and killed Pierce, ever since the voice in his head telling him to  _comply_ had disappeared.

He ran.

The chase took them off the roof and down the side of the building with Bucky landing neatly on an impossibly thin ledge, the cat man simply raking his claws into the walls to slow his descent. They continued into the streets and onto the highway and Bucky slung his backpack over his shoulder and broke into an all out sprint because the cat man was always right on his heels, jumping cars as he climbed up and over them, dodging around trucks and speeding past vans and no matter how fast Bucky was, every time he looked behind him, the cat-man was there step for step.

Sirens echoed off the curved walls, police cars pouring into the packed tunnel and racing after them, and Bucky tried to switch directions and run right into on coming traffic in an attempt to slow the law enforcement down, to buy himself a little bit of time. 

Bursting out into the sunlight, Bucky ripped a man off a motorcycle and spun it around in mid air, seating himself and punching the gas in a matter of seconds. But even as fast as he was, the manuever had cost him those precious few seconds he’d gained and it was enough for the cat man to leap off the front of an SUV and towards the bike. 

Bucky batted the guy out of the air, caught him by the throat and then kicked him away and as a last ditch effort, desperate to get away and not seeing any other option, he tossed a grenade towards the roof of the tunnel and hoped he’d make it out in time–

 _Explosion_. Everything disintegrated out into debris and flame and noise and  _screams_ and the tires of Bucky’s bike shredded, sending him catapulting through the air and skidding over the asphalt.

He opened his eyes just in time to see Steve take out the cat man, a flash of red white and blue connecting with black and silver and then the police vehicles caught up to them, surrounding the scene in a wall of sirens and flashing lights and the  _click click click_  of weapons being drawn and readied.

A suit of armor landed in front of him with a ground shaking  _boom_ , palms glowing and guns snapping into place over the armors shoulder and Bucky got to his feet slowly, gauging the situation and trying to see a chance to run, a chance to grab a weapon and take them all out, wondering at the distance between he and the nearest police officer and the distance to the nearest car.

“Don’t.” Steve said, putting the shield on his back and raising his hands. “Buck, please don’t run. Stay here.” 

“They aren’t going to take me alive, that’s not an option.” Bucky muttered and Steve whispered back, “Please, Bucky. Things will go better if you just put your hands up.  _Please_.”

Bucky started to edge away anyway, shifting his body weight almost imperceptibly and then Steve said– “Tony will kill me if I don’t bring you home, Buck. I promised him. I  _promised_ him I’d get you. Come in with me and everything will be okay.”

Pain flared behind Bucky’s eyes again at the name  _Tony_ , a flash of a memory that hurt–  _“Apparently all it takes is baby blues, a killer smile and that ridiculous Brooklyn accent and I’m yours’’_ – and Bucky was reeling, stumbling, barely registering the hands forcing him to his knees, then down onto his stomach on the pavement.

“Congratulations Cap.” the voice in the armor stated. “You’re a criminal.”

“Worth it.” Steve sounded exhausted, his shoulders slumping and words heavy. “I promised Tony I’d bring him home. It was worth it.” 

“Stevie.” Bucky could barely talk through the pain in his head, his voice little more than a whisper that went unheard in the chaos. “Stevie, who’s Tony? Tell me who Tony is.” 

*******************

*******************

“Do they have to keep him in that?” Tony stared through the monitors into the room where Bucky was being kept, trapped in a glass prison that had been lifted via forklift into the bunker. “He’s not an animal, they don’t need to keep him restrained in a goddamn chest brace made of metal. Can he even breathe in there?”

“Oh I’m sure there’s air holes.” Everett Ross, Deputy Task Force Commander and somehow in charge of everything despite his deceptively calm persona and diminutive stature, stepped into the conference room with Steve and Sam in tow. “The damage this guy did, you’re lucky he’s not tranque-d out of his mind and drooling in a padded cell.”

“Sorry, who the hell are you?” Tony whirled around, jaw set and eyes snapping, fists clenched at his side and Ross held up a calming hand. “Nope. Nope you don’t get to walk in here and say something like–”

“Tony.” Steve cut in and that glare swung full force his way. “Ross is one of the good guys, alright?”

“I am definitely one of the good guys. Barnes is going to be–”

“ _Sergeant_ Barnes!” Tony nearly snarled the words and even Sam took a step away. “That man has been a prisoner of war for seventy fucking years, missing in action, presumed  _killed_ in action and held captive by a sect of goddamn Nazi’s and the very least you can do is–”

“Tony.” Steve said again, and this time he shook off the officers that had escorted them up to the office and moved to gather Tony close, tucking him into his chest and holding him tight. “Tony, sweetheart, it’s alright. It’s alright, okay?”

“It’s not alright!” Tony insisted but he didn’t fight Steve’s hug, curling his fingers into Steve’s shirt and muffling his next words in the fabric. “Seventy years, Steve. Seventy years and I’m this close and they won’t let me see him– is he okay?” Now Tony leaned away, peering up at Steve sharply. “Is he– is he aware? Is he  _Bucky_? Did you talk to him?”

“I talked to him.” Steve pressed Tony’s head back down, fitting his big palm to the back of Tony’s head and holding him steady. “He– he called me Stevie. He yelled at me for my language. It’s him, Tony. It’s Bucky.”

“Christ.” Tony went limp so quickly Steve almost didn’t catch him. “ _Christ_ , Steve. I was so worried–  

“I know.” Ignoring the stares from everyone else in the room, Steve kept holding Tony close, feeling the tears dampen his shirt as he talked over Tony’s head to ask Ross, “So what’s going to happen to him? What’s the next step?

“Same thing that should probably happen to you and Fly-Boy over there.” Ross cleared his throat and his voice was softer when he spoke again. “Sergeant Barnes will be given a psychological examination and then be extradited. Most likely to Wakanda to face judgment for the death of their King, but possibly to the United States and the United Nations center there for a complete accounting of his crimes as the Winter Soldier.”

“Will his status as a prisoner of war and unwilling participant in experiments be taken into account?” From Natasha, who had entered the room unseen with Clint at her side. “Or the fact that the organization of Nazis that grew right under our noses was the one responsible for activating him as the Soldier and sending him out?”

“Hey guys.” Clint offered Sam and Steve a wave. “Got a call from Tony, sounded like you could use the backup but it seems like we missed the party.”

“Yeah, welcome to the fucking clean up.” Sam groused, and then to Ross– “That soldier is in no way mentally aware of his actions for the past several years. Even if he was conscious, he was definitely brain washed. At the very least he should be treated as suffering from extreme PTSD, his actions counted as only carried out under duress and–”

“You’re both right.” Ross interrupted. “But that’s not up to me. Not only are there a hundred and seventeen countries screeching that Rogers trod all over the newly ratified Accords to rescue his childhood pal, but every country present at the Vienna United Nations wants their pound of flesh. I’m going to try my best to get Sergeant Barnes a fair trial, but after this many years and the frankly  _astonishing amount of trouble he’s caused?_ It’s not looking great.”

“He said he wasn’t responsible for Vienna.” Steve kept running his fingers through Tony’s hair, bending down to kiss his head every few minutes as the tears started to dry and Tony’s breathing returned to normal. “Said he was there but he hadn’t set the bomb.”

“Look, I am the last person on earth to want to call Captain America a liar.” Ross spread his hands helplessly. “But the man is the Winter Soldier. All the things he’s done and a bombing at the United Nations doesn’t even rank as  _heinous_ on his rap sheet. This would be child’s play for an operative like him, no one is going to believe he didn’t do it.”

“So we have to prove it, then.” Tony finally looked up, standing on his toes to peck Steve on the lips and offering nothing more than a quirked eyebrow to the murmurs of astonishment as everyone in the room found out that apparently Iron Man and Captain America were  _dating_. “We have to prove it? I can do that. I can get footage, time stamps, maps and routes. I can get receipts from vendors and hotels where he stayed, I can find eye witness accounts. I can prove that Bucky was trimming his goddamn nose hairs when the bomb went off, is that what you want?”

“If you could come up with proof that Sergeant Barnes has been living a docile, normal life since HYDRA went down?” Ross nodded slowly, wetting his lips a little anxiously. “Yeah, that would certainly make things go smoother. If we can say that every single one of his actions was HYDRA sanctioned, or a direct result of HYDRA directives? That he was a brainwashed soldier simply doing a job he didn’t have a choice in refusing? Sure, we can bring in his PTSD and prisoner of war status. But Mr. Stark–

“Oh no, you should call me Iron Man.”

“Uh–” Ross waited a beat, but Tony didn’t even blink, staring him down from across the table. “Alright. Mr. Iron Man. If we come across anything Sergeant Barnes has done post- HYDRA? Even dining and dashing or skipping a last months rent. They will  _bury_ him, do you understand? They will use that as a chance to shift blame for everything that has happened and–”

“Who’s that?” Steve put up a hand to stop Ross’s train of thought, then pointed at the monitor. “Who is that right there? I thought no one was supposed to be in there with Bucky. If you aren’t going to let us see him, no one else should be seeing him either.” 

“That should be our psychologist.” Ross zoomed in on the camera and clicked the audio on, but left it turned down low. “They sent him from the United Nations. No one wanted to trust just one country to do the evaluation for fear it would be biased so this is our compromise.”

“Are we allowed to listen to this?” Sam asked. “Doctor-patient confidentiality and all that?”

“I don’t care about that.” Tony sent Sam a scathing look. “I know you’re a counselor and that sort of thing is important to you, and most days I’d find that real cute but  _seriously_? At this point? Let it go.”

Steve pulled Tony back into his arms and mouthed an apology to Sam who simply shook his head and waved him off.

Tony wasn’t his usual diplomatic self– hell  _none_ of them were their usual selves right now– high tension was to be expected.

“No harm, no foul.” he said quietly and Steve smiled gratefully, then turned back to the monitors to watch the doctor with Bucky. 

“Turn the audio up.” Natasha ordered, dropping into the chair closest to Sam and putting her feet up on the table. “I don’t know about the rest of you but it seems awful suspicious to me that after fifty years of being damn near invisible, all it takes is a single bombing– and not even a catastrophic one by any standards– and now everyone is aware of who the Winter Soldier is and exactly what he’s done. I think we need to pay very careful attention to what happens from here on out.”

“You think he was framed.” Tony said it first, and Steve muttered a curse. “You think the bombing was a reason to draw him out?”

“Maybe not just him.” she said grimly, her eyes trained on the screen as the psychologist opened a notepad. “Steve, those soldiers were only five minutes behind you. No international agency has ever found a target that quickly and that effectively. Trust me, I’ve dismantled and outsmarted several agencies and they are all terrible.”

“She’s right.” Clint flopped down next to Nat and scooped her feet over into his lap. “We need to be careful. I know Stars and Gripes isn’t exactly subtle, but no one should have had the information we had about Bucky as fast as they did. Something’s up.” 

“Someone else had the information.” Sam clarified. “Tony, you got a leak in your AI system?”

“Do I have a leak–” Tony started to yell and Steve cleared his throat loudly, so Tony switched to a quieter but no less furious. “No! There is no way that anyone had any access to JARVIS’s info. Absolutely not.” 

“So someone else was tracking Bucky like we were.” Clint chewed at his lip for a minute. “Or someone was tracking  _us_ as we were tracking him.” 

“Who would be tracking us, though?” Sam frowned at Steve. “Since DC we’ve kept our head down and stayed out of trouble. You’re the only one crossing borders and this is the first time you’ve done it in your uniform. Why are they tracking us? Or more specifically, you?” 

“How many people know you and Steve are together, Tony?” Natasha asked next. “Because out of all the people in this room, you’re the one most likely to be blackmailed or threatened, and hurting Steve would be a good way to get at you.” 

“You honestly think the Winter Soldier was framed and people were killed to draw the Captain out because that would bring Iron Man out into the public eye?” Ross actually laughed at them. “That seems a little far fetched, even for you guys.”

“A year ago, a demi god from another dimension showed up on earth and opened a portal slightly above where I sleep every night and ushered in an army of aliens.” Steve said flatly. “And I teamed up with a green rage monster, another demi god, two super spies and a man in a tin can–” Tony pinched him and Steve swooped down to kiss him, relieved that Tony was back on an even enough keel to react. “– to then save the world.”

“And you’re telling me that a complex plot to drag Tony or I out into the open by using my best friend and the man responsible for–” he hesitated. “–the death of some of our loved ones, that’s too far fetched? Why did that doctor just walk right in? Why wasn’t he vetted by our team? Can you tell me who he is?”

Silence in the conference room for a long moment, then Ross turned the volume up on the comms. “Alright, maybe we listen in for a few minutes.” 

“Maybe we do.” Clint nodded in satisfaction, then leaned in and squinted at the camera. “I thought psychologists all used those yellow legal pads to take notes. Since when do they carry fancy red notebooks with stars on ‘em?”

********************

********************

Bucky watched the psychologist with dull eyes, his posture pliant and expression vacant as the man talked.

The doctor kept calling him  _James_ , a steady stream of words punctuated by  _James_ and finally Bucky interrupted, “My name is Bucky.”

His name was James and his name was Sergeant Barnes but more than that, his name was  _Bucky_. 

“My name is Bucky.” 

“But that’s not your only name, is it?” the doctor’s smile was cold, and not so much cold as it was sinister and Bucky came instantly alert,  _danger_ crawling up his spine and making him tense. “You’ve seen terrible, terrible things haven’t you,  _Bucky_? A great many horrors.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Bucky ground out, his left hand clenching in agitation. “Go away.”

“Don’t worry.” the doctor said smoothly. “I understand. You think if you open your mouth, if you admit the things you’ve seen, they will never stop? That’s alright. We only have to talk about one.”

“I don’t–

The power failed all at once, everything whirring and grinding to a halt and the room was thrown into shadows and red light, an alarm blaring in some far off room and Bucky pushed against his restraints as the first real bolt of  _fear_ settled in his core.

“What is this?” he bit out, seeking out the cameras he knew were watching him, hoping Steve was somewhere up there and could see–

“Let’s talk about your home.” The doctor stood and stalked towards Bucky’s cage, a thin red book held in both hands and Bucky’s heart clenched, twisted,  _hurt_. 

He knew that book.

“I don’t mean Romania.” The doctor said quietly, his voice low and calm. “And not Brooklyn, no. I mean your  _real_ home. Let’s talk about home.”

A beat of silence, and then–

“ _Желание_.”  **Longing**.”

“No.” Bucky shut his eyes, thumped his head back against the seat.

“ _Ржавый_.”  **Rusted**.

“Stop.” Bucky ordered, or maybe he begged. “Stop it. Shut the hell up.” 

“ _Семнадцать_.” he continued and the words echoed in Bucky’s mind.  **Seventeen**.

Bucky clenched his left fist, flexed his arm and the metal cuffs at his arms and chest creaked. “Stop it!”

“ _Рассвет_.”  **Daybreak**.

Bucky screamed, in pain, in anger, his strength surging and the bands snapping off his wrists, breaking apart on his shoulders.

“ _Печь_.”  **Furnace**. “ _Девять_.”  **Nine**

Bucky stood up and punched at the glass, the thump echoing dully around the empty room. “Stop. It.”

“ _Добросердечный_.”  **Benign**.

Bucky punched harder, fighting the words, fighting his mind, wanting nothing more than to rip the man’s heart out through his chest and–

“ _Возвращение на Родину_.”  **Homecoming**. The words were coming faster now. “ _Один_.”  **One**.  “ _Грузовой вагон_.” **Freight car**.

Bucky  _screamed_ and put all his strength into the next punch, hammering at the screen until the glass wall crumpled, bent and and broke free and he could jump to ground. He was breathing hard, chest heaving and mind spinning, a blinding headache at the base of his skull and a rush in his ears that sounded like  _drowning_ and then–

Then nothing.

The Soldier straightened up at the doctors prompting, the ice blue eyes frighteningly blank, body held at rest but ready to move at any moment.

“Soldier?” the doctor asked and the Soldier replied, “Ready to comply.”

The man smiled and it was a terrible thing, but the Soldier didn’t care.

“Mission report. December 16th 1991.”

******************

******************

Rhodey found Tony in the wreckage downstairs after it had all gone to hell, a backpack held tight to his chest and his face buried in his hands.

“Tones?” James settled onto the chair next to him. “Talk to me, Tony. You okay?”

“No.” Tony dragged a shaking hand through his hair. “No, Rhodey this is about as far from  _okay_ as I’ve ever been in my life.”

“Okay well–”

“It’s been just over a year since I last saw him.” Tony spoke again and James’s mouth clicked shut. “Do you know that? Like fourteen months at the very most. Not even a year and a half since I said kissed him goodbye. Most days it feels like yesterday, but some days I feel like every single minute of those seventy years has passed and I will never have him back.”

“Hey.” Rhodey reached for Tony’s hand, twining their fingers together and squeezing lightly. “Tony, that’s not– I mean, there’s nothing–” he sighed. “I don’t really know what to say about that Tones. I’m sorry. I’m  _sorry_.” 

“He used to tell me that the only thing between us was time.” Tony continued, picking up the worn backpack and turning it over in his free hand. “He used to say that we just had to wait until the war was over and he came back home, that it was time and distance between us now but once the war was over, all that time would fall away and it’d be like we were never apart.”

This time James stayed silent, waiting for Tony to finish.

“The war he meant has been over for decades, but now he’s back and holy shit, we’re at war again.” Tony laughed but it was more of a sob. “And this time it feels like we’re on separate sides. He went from Bucky who needs some help and a good alibi to that– that  _thing_ , that  _Soldier_ , activated with a few fucking random words and now look. He took down a whole building with him when he went berserk. Natasha almost died. Hell,  _I_  almost died. He put a gun in my face and tried to pull the trigger and–”

“What do you mean  _tried_?” James wanted to know. “The Winter Soldier doesn’t try and fail to kill anyone, why didn’t he kill you?”

“Don’t sound so disappointed.” Tony said dryly and Rhodey shook his head to emphasize, “Tony  _listen_ , why did you say he  _tried_? What happened?”

“Uh, well Nat was yelling at me for not having a suit.” Tony began. “And I said I had a suit, it was a lovely three piece Tom Ford–

“–Jesus Christ, Tony.”

“– and then we found Bucky, or maybe he found us but either way there was a gun in my face and I said something like ‘Brooklyn, it’s fucking rude to point guns at people you love because what else was I supposed to say when my other hundred year old boyfriend has me staring down the business end of a pistol? And then he–”

Tony paused, his brow wrinkling. “And then he stopped. He just stopped and stared at me and that’s how I got his gun away and dismantled.”

“By calling him Brooklyn?”

“By calling him–” the backpack tumbled to the ground when Tony jumped to his feet. “I called him Brooklyn and he stopped! Rhodey, does that mean he knows me?”

“I don’t know if he  _knows_ you.” James said carefully. “But he recognized you or your voice or that nickname enough to pause for a second. That’s good, Tones. That’s real good. It means even activated like that, there’s still enough Bucky around to regulate his actions.”

“He knows me.” The tremble in Tony’s hands was worse as he dug his phone out and sent off a text to Steve. “Oh my god, Bucky  _knows_ me.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Note: I’ve altered Zemo’s backstory so keep that in mind for this chapter and going into the next one! I’m actually very pleased with how I managed to tie things in close to canon while keeping it with the AU verse.

The Soldier had never been activated just to answer questions. A mission, an  _objective_ was not to answer questions. More often than not, he wasn’t allowed to speak at all after his orders were given, not unless a mission went sideways and had to be readjusted. 

But the man who used the trigger words wasn’t a handler, not anyone the Soldier had ever seen before, not anyone he recognized and even freshly activated the Soldier had known it was  _wrong_. 

All these questions were  _wrong_. 

The inquiries had been consistent, pointed, with no room for error or misinterpretation and when the Soldier had answered them all to his new handlers satisfaction, the man had given him one more directive. 

_“Escape the building, kill anyone who tries to stop you.”_

And even as the Soldier had obeyed, killing four guards without missing a step, breaking another’s neck as he stomped down the hall–

–he knew it was  _wrong_. 

And when the helicopter went down, when the Soldier and the man with the shield were falling into the water again, the Soldier thought that maybe this was how all  _wrong_ things should end. 

With a fall. 

******************

******************

Bucky came back to himself in bits and pieces, flashes of light and rolling pain, sore and shaking, reeking of river water and dried blood. 

The voice in his head, the Soldier hovering in the back of his consciousness told him not to panic, to remain limp and unassuming while assessing the situation, to adapt to the change in plan, to plot exit points and check potential weaknesses of the room and to size up his captors to see how they could be most easily taken out.

Bucky hated that voice.

He was tired,  _exhausted_ really. Mentally worn out and physically aching from his activation, his mind reeling from the shift between Bucky and Soldier. He’d never slipped his programming so quickly before, gone from triggered to resting and back to himself all within a few hours and it hurt. 

It  _hurt_. 

Belatedly, he realized his left arm was trapped in a vice and secured to a table that was then bolted to a concrete floor. He could break it if he really tried, but not without making a scene, and not without someone coming to stop him. 

 _Smart_. They didn’t know if he was Bucky or the Soldier, didn’t know if he’d open his eyes as a civilian or an assassin and honestly, he wasn’t sure yet either. 

“Steve.” he croaked, wet his lips and tried again. “Steve? Are you– Am I–” 

The voice  _screamed_ at him to not call out, not for the man with the shield, not without knowing where he was but Bucky pushed it away and asked again, “Steve? Are you here?” 

“Cap.” the man from before, the one with the wings and the goggles, stepped into Bucky’s line of sight but stayed a safe distance away. “Cap get in here, your frosty friend is awake and feeling chatty.” 

“Bucky?” Steve didn’t bother with a safe distance, crouching down right in front of Bucky and putting a heavy hand on his knee. “You back with us? Who am I talking to?”

“It’s me.” The words came slow and careful, Bucky testing each one before saying it out loud. “I’m me.” 

“Are you?” Steve peered at him closely and Bucky resisted the urge to look away, to try and hide from the scrutiny when he was feeling so  _raw_. “Tell me something about myself.”

“You’re ma’s name is Sarah.” Bucky knew that, he  _knew_ that, the memory of a sweet blonde nurse with sparkling eyes and a familiarly stubborn smile coming easy and painless. Bucky knew that like he knew that Steve Rogers was Stevie,  but he could tell it wasn’t enough to prove it was  _him_. “You– you used to put newspapers in your shoes.”

“He could’ve read that somewhere, Cap.” the other one said and when Bucky swiveled a glare in his direction, he glared right back. “Don’t look at me like that. I’m not gonna risk this whole mess just cos the Winter Soldier has read enough in the museum to fool Steve’s gullible ass.”

To Steve– “Ask him something else.”

“Damn it Sam.” Steve’s hand tightened at Bucky’s knee before he took a step away. “No, you’re right. You’re right. Okay Buck, I know remembering hurts and I know you’re still struggling but I need you to tell me something that only  _you_ would know, something between just you and me alright? From before the war.”

Pain built at the base of Bucky’s skull as he tried to force a memory, sharper than the dull ache that had settled in his bones earlier and he flinched away from it, cursing his spotty memory and his unstable mind. 

“The–the day your ma died.” he began slowly. “I said you could come stay with me if you shined my shoes and you said no, that you were fine by yourself. So I left and my ma came down the street yelling that either you stay with us or she was gonna stay with you and um–” 

Bucky was slipping, head falling back and eyes glazing as he tried to shove the words past the still lingering block of the Soldier, past the trauma of his first activation in months.

“She said you weren’t staying alone, no matter what her fool son said.” he finally ground out. “So you came and stayed with us for a few weeks.”

“And then?” Steve prompted and Bucky finished, “Then you and I got our own place and you complained about how many stairs there were, told me I’d have to carry you up ‘em every night.” 

There. That was something no one else would know and Bucky slumped back into the chair, grimacing when his left arm pulled in the restraint. 

“Why does remembering hurt?” Sam asked lowly and Bucky heard their footsteps leading away to what he assumed was another room, only getting pieces of Steve’s response, “–repressed memories… chemically altered… symptoms… headaches, rage, even hallucinations…certain ones worse than others…”

Bucky stayed there and tried to steady his breathing, tried to think through the pain, tried to put together a narrative of what had happened between being snatched off the highway and strapped in that cage and waking up in this room. 

_“Let’s talk about your home.”_

That doctor, the one who kept calling him James and had pulled that red notebook from his bag with a smile as if he wasn’t about to unleash a killing machine on the world. 

 _Желание_.

The trigger words, read in a flat measured tone, too familiar to resist, locking Bucky down more effectively than chains and cuffs ever would. 

A redhead getting her legs around his neck before he threw her into a wall and someone shouting ‘ _That’s my wife you giant frosty bastard_!” before putting an arrow in his leg– an arrow?– Bucky checked his thigh, frowned at the still closing puncture wound about the size of a bolt. Yes, an arrow.

Everything had been black and red, emergency lights and shadows, blaring sirens and echoing screams. There had been bodies, some dead and others wounded, all afraid of the Soldier, of  _him_. 

A civilian in a fancy suit. Sunglasses and facial hair. He had taken the gun from Bucky, stripped it down before Bucky could fire– why had he hesitated? His directive had been to kill and the Soldier had hesitated–

_“Brooklyn it’s fucking rude to point guns at people you love!”_

The vice ripped off the table, bolts shredding and pinging off the walls when the table snapped off its legs as if attached by no more than velcro and Bucky fell to his knees to bury both hands in his hair, pulling until it hurt enough to distract from the  _pressure_ behind his eyes.

_BrooklynBrooklynBrooklyn._

_….California?_

_…. Tony…?_

******************

*********************

“This is all we know.” Rhodey handed Tony a cup of coffee first, then a stack of files. “And I scoured everything.  _Everything_ Tones. I’ve got all sort of pull and there isn’t much that’s off limits to a Colonel but I couldn’t come up with more than this.”

“Okay okay okay.” Tony drained most of the coffee in one go and slid it back across the conference table. “Be a love and fill me up again, platypus?”

“I have an actual job that doesn’t involve getting you refreshments.” James groused. “You know that right? I’m not just here to be your arm candy and bring you coffee, I pull an actual paycheck for very important things.” 

“Rhodey, if  _anyone_ is arm candy in this relationship it’s definitely me.” Tony was exhausted, a full twelve hours past when he should have been asleep, but he still managed a smile and some snark for his oldest friend. “Everyone knows you’re the responsible, kick ass, sugar daddy and I’m the hot but useless boy toy.”

“Oh  _I’m_ the sugar daddy?” James put another cup of coffee down in front of Tony and ruffled the already disastrous hair. “Of the two of us, which has billions?”

“Neither of you, frankly.” Pepper came through the door with coffee for all of them and laughed quietly when she realized James had already brought some. “James, you’re perfect. Thank you.” 

She gave him a quick kiss on the lips, then dropped a kiss on Tony’s head and repeated, “ _Neither_ of you has billions. Last time I checked, I’m the one with CEO by my name. Tony is a glorified mechanic and James you’re the sparkly thing I keep around as amusement.”

“Glorified mechanic.” Tony squeezed her hand as she passed. “I thought we settled on  _Executive_ Mechanic.”

“You can call yourself whatever you want, I’m still not giving you a raise.” Pepper kicked her heels off and settled into one of the plush chairs, snapping her fingers for the files. “Give me those.”

“You can have some of them.” Tony corrected and pushed a chunk of papers her way. “This is everything Rhodey could dig up on the fake doctor that activated Bucky so we need to read it and figure out who the hell he is and why this all happened.” 

“Tony.” Always observant, Pepper tilted her head and asked, “Are you alright? This has been alot in a very short amount of time. Finding Bucky and Steve having to chase him down and then dealing with the Winter Soldier… are you alright? And don’t just tell me yes, because I know  _that’s_ not true.” 

“I’m not even a little bit alright.” Tony didn’t look up from the paper in his hands, hurrying through the words with the same detached monotone he relayed every piece of bad news. “It could be argued that I just barely got to the point of actually grieving Bucky in a healthy way, was trying to move on when he showed back up again as the Winter Soldier. I’ve been swinging between obsessive, borderline manic stretches of research so we can find him and then crippling panic attacks when we actually  _do_ see him. I’m well aware that normal people don’t cope by hand painting the walls in cabins but the other option is me blowing things up, so hand painting and sealing individual logs it is.” 

“Tony–” 

“I actually got to see him today.” Tony kept right on talking. “Nearly had a meltdown in front of the Director of Some Bullshit. If Steve wouldn’t have been there I definitely would have had a melt down. And then Bucky got triggered by a handful of random ass words, went full Winter Soldier and nearly tore down a secured government building and oh by the way? Put a gun to my face and tried to kill me.” 

Pepper looked away so Tony wouldn’t see the tears in her eyes and James looked between both of them for a moment before adding, “Tony, you’re leaving out the best part of that story.” 

“Rhodey.” Tony’s eyes flared bright with hurt and anger. “There is no best part to that story.” 

“Sure there is.” James opened his own file to the first page. “Tell Pep about how you called him  _Brooklyn_ and stopped the Winter Soldier in his tracks.” 

“That’s–” Pepper’s mouth dropped open and she swiveled back around to Tony. “Tony, that’s amazing. That’s  _amazing_! Did you tell Steve? If Bucky is recognizing you that means he’s not completely gone even when he’s activated. That’s amazing.” 

“It is pretty amazing.” James agreed. “Tony is single handedly enough of the pain in the ass to snap even a master assassin away from his orders.” 

“Oh for fucks–” Pepper threw a pen at him and James batted it away, inclining his head towards Tony who was smiling just the littlest bit again. 

“Seriously though.” James rapped his knuckles on the table. “Tony, did you call your Captain and tell him that? It could go along way with bringing Bucky back if Steve knows that he recognized you.” 

“I couldn’t get through to Steve’s phone. I texted, and I called–” Tony frowned own at whatever he was reading. “Honestly, I have no idea what happened to them after Steve pulled the helicopter out of the sky.”

“I’m sorry, he did  _what_?”

“Yep.” It wasn’t an appropriate time to smirk but Tony did it anyway. “Steve grabbed on to the building with one hand and the helicopter with the other and kept Bucky from flying off. Captain America, the guy I get to see naked, ladies and gentlemen.” 

“My oh  _my_.” Pepper murmured and James warned, “That’s quite enough out of you Ms. Potts.”

“Don’t worry darling.” She winked at him. “Captain America might stop helicopters but he still has to salute  _you_ and that’s all that matters, isn’t it?”

“You’re damn right.”

“Anyway.” Tony raised his voice. “If you two are done being adorable but ridiculous, could we maybe get back to the situation at hand? Tracking down the weaselly eyed bastard who ruined my reunion party? Proving that Bucky didn’t do that bombing?”

He was smiling again though, the near-crisis from a few minutes earlier averted by the easy presence of his friends, and the mood in the room seemed to lighten.

“Alright alright fine.” James spread his pages out across the table.”But when Steve comes home, I expect him to address me as Colonel and Sir for an entire week, you hear? Boy needs to learn some respect.”

“Yeah.” Tony rolled his eyes. “I’ll get right on that and let him know.” 

Nearly half an hour of silent reading passed and Pepper was the first one to speak again, underlining a passage twice before saying, “Tony, Helmut Zemo is former HYDRA and I don’t mean that in a good way.”

“Pep, I didn’t know there  _was_ a good way to be former HYDRA.” Tony pinched at the bridge of his nose and sipped at his long-cold coffee. “But what’cha got?”

“From what I can tell, he was hand picked for HYDRA and there isn’t really a reason why?” she kept reading, scanning the paragraphs as fast as she could. “But he’s well documented as being brought into the program early along with several others when they were basically children. He was monitored his entire life–” a quick tap at a specific sentence. “They definitely did some experimenting but there’s no notes other than a line that says ‘unsuitable’. Nothing else after that.”

“What would he have been unsuitable for?” Tony questioned, leaning over to see what she was reading. “That right there, what is that?”

“It’s an equation?” Pepper turned the page over. “It actually looks more like a formula. This is the only place it shows up in my stack, did you have anything in yours?” 

“No, there’s nothing in mine that looks like that.” Tony grabbed a pencil and jotted down the entire formula, worrying at his bottom lip. “Why is this familiar to me? JARVIS?”

“ _Yes Sir_.”

“Run this formula and tell me if I’ve come across anything else like it, or if there is anything in the files I took from SHIELD.” 

“ _Yes Sir.”_

“Spoiled.” Pepper teased lightly. “Having an AI do your thinking for you.”

“I  _built_ the AI, Pep.”

“I’m just saying–” she lifted a slim shoulder in a half shrug. “Must be nice. So what’s in your file?”

“Mostly psychological reviews.” Tony kept staring at the formula, his brow wrinkling into a frown. “Big surprise, the guy was nuts. But so far none of this is explaining why he has a United Nations sized grudge match to settle against Bucky.”

“Maybe he was using Bucky to carry  _out_ a grudge.” Pepper suggested. “His actions were less about getting to Bucky and more about using the Winter Soldier to wreak some havoc?”

“There are a thousand soldiers for hire who could wreak havoc.” Tony countered. “At  _least_ a thousand. There are guys on the Top Ten most wanted list that would have been easier to find than Bucky. I have the worlds most advanced AI running scans through any available camera constantly, I cracked a fifty year old code and applied it to an algorithm to track Bucky’s movements and sent a literal super soldier into the field to find him and it still took us months.  _Months_ to track him _.”_

“There’s no way Zemo had access to any of that.” he decided. “So he got his information from other sources, which means the sources would have to be HYDRA and it wouldn’t have been easy to find them after what we did in DC. So why would he go through all the trouble to specifically track down the Winter Soldier to get to the UN, or to get inside that building or whatever. He didn’t even kill Bucky. He just activated him and then ran away.  _Why_?”

“ _Sir_ –”

“Hold on J, I’m on a roll.” Tony pushed his sleeves up and folded his arms. “Furthermore, Nat thought it was a hit attempt at me or someone else on the team. And if it was a hit at me or even with Ross or one of the foreign dignitaries– Zemo had Bucky’s trigger words. He had the tools to control the Winter Soldier so why didn’t he  _use_ them?” 

“How did he get the trigger words?” Rhodey asked and Pepper supplied, “Had to be someone he tracked down through HYDRA.” 

“ _Sir_.”

“Yeah, that’s a whole ball of–” Tony shook his head. “I don’t know where to begin with that, with HYDRA operatives running around with those trigger words. The point is, Zemo had Bucky’s triggers words which means he could have ordered Bucky to do anything and instead he just let him run amok. If you look at the video footage, Bucky basically caused as much damage as he could, dispatched as many people as he could, then ran for the hills. What’s the game? Who was Zemo trying to get to?”

“Tony, what did you dad have to do with Project Solstice?” James held up a paper. “Because his name is all over this file.”

“I don’t know what Project Solstice–”

“ _Sir_!”

“ _What_ JARVIS?!”

“ _The formula you asked me to run_.”

“Yes.” Tony dragged his fingers through his hair and then held one up to Rhodey to hold on to that information about Project Solstice. “Yes, J what did you find?”

 _“The formula is an advanced version of the original serum currently residing in Captain Rogers_.”

“…what?”

“ _The formula is an advanced–_ ”

“Yeah, I heard that.” Tony stared up at the ceiling. “It’s an  _advanced_ version. As in better than the one powering Stars and Gripes? And HYDRA had a hold of it?”

“Does that mean it’s the formula powering our resident super assassin?” Rhodey interjected. “Because that would be good information to have.” 

“No, um Bucky was hit first in Azzano.” Tony closed his eyes and counted to ten when an all too familiar jolt of  _panic_ swelled in his throat. “We– we didn’t know that at first. Not until we got his file after DC. They juiced him in Azzano which is probably how he survived the fall from the train, then when they got him back they adjusted the serum and juiced him again.” 

“Tony.” Pepper reached for his hand and squeezed tight. “Do you need to take a break?”

“No. No breaks.” Tony forced himself back to the moment. “I’m fine. Its– it’s fine. Okay so Bucky’s serum won’t be  _exactly_ that one, but it makes sense that they would have built this next generation formula off of his, right?”

“ _That is correct sir._ ”

“I want it broken down to components.” He ordered. “Tell me if anything raises any red flags, if there is any anomalies, any references or hints we can use. Anything at all. Also I want–”

“Tony.” James caught his attention again. “Did you know your dad was working on something called Project Solstice?”

“Project– no. No what is that?” Tony took the file and flipped through it. “What is this? Project Solstice? Ending the Winter? What is–” his eyes widened, then his face paled and James jumped up to grab him when Tony’s knees gave out.

“Tony?”

“Project Solstice.” Tony’s voice was shaking. “It’s um– its the US Governments attempt to re-do the serum they lost when Steve went under. Top secret project. Apparently they drafted my dad to work on it and he managed to synthesize five complete formulas.”

“…Okay?” James helped him back to the chair. “So why does HYDRA have it?” 

“He was due to deliver them to the Pentagon in 1991.” Tony flattened his palm over the incriminating paragraph. “ _December_ 1991. 

“Oh my god.” Pepper put it together first, both hands over her mouth so she wouldn’t cry out. “ _Tony_.” 

“Bucky’s mission– my parents.” Tony’s eyes went blank and empty and  _terrible_. “That’s when HYDRA got their hands on the serum. That was his mission, to get the super soldier serum from SHIELD. And that means–” 

“– that means Bucky might not be the only Winter Soldier.” Rhodey finished. “And where would we even start to look for another batch of super soldiers? They could be sleeper agents, they could be infiltrated into our military, into anything, just like HYDRA was in SHIELD. Where do we start?” 

“We start here.” Tony pulled a picture from the back of the file, a bunker and a set of coordinates. “We start here in Siberia.” 

***************

***************

“I knew this would happen.” Bucky stared blankly out the window at the safe house, hands shoved into his pockets and shoulders hunched. “I knew– all those weeks I was on the run I  _knew_ I hadn’t really broken anything, that my programming was still there. I knew–” his throat jerked as he swallowed. “How many people did I hurt?”

“You can’t think about that.” Sam cut in, surprisingly gentle for all the suspicious glances he’d been sending Bucky’s way. “Don’t think about that man.”

“How am I supposed to think about any thing else?” Bucky closed his eyes but all he saw was blood so he forced them open again. “Stevie–”

“I need you to tell me every second of your time with that doctor.” Every line of Steve’s body was tense, from his shoulders to his stance. “Everything. What did he want from you?” 

“I don’t know–”

“I’m going to need more than I don’t know!” Steve didn’t mean to yell– or maybe he did. Maybe he had been pushed to his breaking point and he needed to yell and he needed to shout and he needed to  _rage_ and here in the safe house seemed like the appropriate time to do it _._ “People are  _dead_ , Buck! Bombs went off! Security compromised! That guy waltzed into a locked down facility and activated you with a few words and you nearly killed– you nearly put a gun on–”

Steve’s fist connected with the wall with a  _crack_ , denting the concrete and busting his knuckles. “Damn it, I need more than an  _I don’t know_!”

He didn’t see the way Bucky flinched at the noise, the automatic cringe away from the violence, but Sam saw it and moved a few steps closer to Bucky, his hands held up peacefully so he didn’t alarm either of the super soldiers. 

“Alright look. At this point, Sergeant Barnes here is wanted for questioning about a bombing at the UN.” Sam tactfully didn’t mention everything  _else_ the Winter Soldier was wanted for. “And you and I are at the very least on the UN’s shit list. We can’t call anyone for help, can’t risk anyone else getting dragged in to this mess–”

“You told Nat and Clint to deny all knowledge?” Steve interrupted and Sam assured him, “They checked into some ridiculously cheesy romantic hotel and their official cover story is that they were there for a belated honeymoon.”

“You need to go too.” Steve decided, shaking his head when Sam tried to argue. “Nope. You need to get back stateside. I don’t want you caught up in this if Ross gets ahold of us. Get back home, plausible deniability, all that sort of thing.” 

“Cap–.”

“They can’t court martial Captain America.” Steve’s smile was a thin veneer, barely masking his anger.. “That would be so unpatriotic it’s nearly unconstitutional. I’m Captain America and Bucky is a prisoner of war, a soldier coming home after missing in action and being held against his will for seventy years. That will buy us some forgiveness at the very least.” 

“Steve–” 

“Bucky and I will figure it out.” He insisted. “Sam get out of here before things get dicey again and you don’t have a way out anymore.” 

It took more convincing–  _quite_ a bit more convincing– with Sam good naturedly accusing Steve of trading him in for another super soldier, comments about how he was  _definitely_ an Avenger now and deserved better missions than just DC and random jaunts to Bucharest, but he hugged Steve before he finally left, patting at his back and muttering something Bucky didn’t catch.

“No phones.” Steve reminded him. “I’m serious. Just um– you know. Tell everyone we’re alright for now and I’ll call when I can.”

“It might be unconstitutional to court martial Captain America but you know damn well you’ll be hung up by your bits if you don’t both come home in one piece, right?” Sam raised a knowing eyebrow. “ _Right_? Not even the Geneva Convention will keep you safe from what he’ll do if you don’t pull through this. If both of you don’t pull through this.” 

“Yeah.” Something a lot like grief, a lot like resignation flitted across Steve’s face. “Yeah I know.” 

“Be careful.” Sam leaned over and waved at Bucky. “You too, Snowflake. Hope you make it through soon, can finally come home.” 

The door shut with a  _thunk_ behind Sam and Steve stood there for a moment longer, head down and eyes closed, arms folded over his chest. 

“M’not worth this, Stevie.” Bucky said into the quiet and Steve’s head jerked up in surprise. “I’m tired of running and I’m tired of hiding, tired of looking over my shoulder every damn second. Let’s just go back. Turn me in and maybe you won’t be blamed for any of this. You’re right, they’ll go easy on you for–”

“Shut the hell up.” Steve said firmly. “You think I’m going to stop trying to help you now? I’m not leaving you alone again, Buck. I’m with you–”

“–to the end of the line.” Another memory Bucky could find with out hurting, without  _trying_ , the words burned into his mind as surely as he knew his own name, as surely as he knew  _Stevie_. “I know. But Stevie–”

“You’re calling me Stevie?” It was almost a real smile then, even almost hopeful. “That’s good, Buck. You starting to come back some more?” 

“I’m feeling more like me, yeah, but m’gonna call you something worse than  _Stevie_ if you don’t let me talk.” Bucky retorted. “Jus’ listen for a minute.”

“Alright.” Steve dragged a chair over and clasped his hands between his knees. “I’m listening. Talk to me.” 

“The guy at the prison– the doctor? He kept asking me where I was trained, where my home base is.” Bucky said slowly, filtering the actual memories from the still hazy blur of pain.  “He wanted coordinates and directions and everything else I knew, wanted exact answers and once I gave them, he let me go. Told me to escape and kill everyone who got in the way.” 

“ _Why_?” 

“I’m not the only Soldier.” Bucky said after a moment. “Stevie I– I’m not the only one.”

“Christ.” Steve was on his feet, flinging a chair into the wall and cursing again. “ _Christ_.”

“They hadn’t been activated yet.” Wearily now, Bucky speaking of secrets he’d never told another soul, not even the fake doctor, because the doctor hadn’t known which questions to ask to get that particular answer. “Not for a mission anyway. They were a former kill squad, worst guys HYDRA could turn out. Knew more languages than I knew even existed, trained to infiltrate and take over without anyone noticing. The way they killed–” he grimaced. “It made me look tame. But I was the only one who followed orders, so I was the only one HYDRA used.” 

“When were they given the serum?” Steve asked. “Do you know that?” 

“No, I don’t.” Something  _thrummed_ at the edge of Bucky’s memories, a date he couldn’t quite recall, a mission he knew was important but couldn’t place. “No I– I–” he groaned in frustration. “It hurts to remember, Stevie. I’m sorry, I’m–” 

“It’s alright.” Steve said quickly. “Don’t– it’s alright. You know for sure these other soldiers had never been activated?” 

“Not for a mission.” Bucky clarified. “Not… not yet. They tried before they sent me to DC the first time and it was no good.” 

“And that red book, it probably has their trigger words as well?” 

“…maybe. I don’t really know.” 

“Okay.” Steve nodded, obviously already trying to formulate a plan, trying to work out a way to fix it all. “Tell me  _where_ , Buck.”

Bucky pushed away all his questions of  _Brooklyn_ and why the name  _Tony_  made him hurt to his core. First he had to finish this, then he could know everything. Steve would help him figure out everything. 

 _Till the end of the line_.  

“It’s Siberia. We were all made in Siberia.” 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is… well it’s Siberia so of course it’s going to be difficult to read. Most of it is from Bucky’s POV and of course we have the altered Zemo!story which changes the dynamics of the scene as well. 
> 
> The writing style is a little choppy to reflect Bucky’s mindset, and it gets more jumbled as he wavers between Bucky/WS. It definitely isn’t as smooth as other chapters, with lots of repetition and focus on specific words. Anyway, I hope the format isn’t too annoying/difficult to read. Also, in case anyone is worried– Steve and Tony don’t fight in this one, or at least not like they did in the movie. 
> 
> I’ll say TW just because it’s difficult to watch/read Bucky break down…?
> 
> Can’t wait to hear what you guys think!

Standing next to Steve in the jet was the closest to stable Bucky had felt in weeks– in months– in years?– but as they began the descent in Siberia, he could feel the  _stability_ slipping away again. **  
**

There were too many memories here at the bunker and all the memories were  _painful_. The ground outside was cold and dark but Bucky remembered it stained warm and  _red_ as he’d gone through drill after drill with the other soldiers, with handlers, with people they brought in just for him to take apart. He hadn’t been allowed a break until they were satisfied, and they were never satisfied until he was coughing up blood.

The bunker rose sudden and forbidding on the empty plain, far too innocuous for the horrors that had taken place inside, but Bucky could still remember the torture and the re-calibrating, the bars and cells and restraints, the punishments the disciplines, what they put him through for the good of HYDRA.

And when Bucky followed Steve off the jet with dragging steps, his stomach twisting and heart pounding, jaw clenched tight enough to hurt– the door to the bunker was open and he laughed quietly, a sound that felt a lot closer to a scream.

“Buck.” Steve put a steadying hand on his shoulder and Bucky didn’t know whether to lean into it, or shudder away, too many memories of painful touches over lapping with the few–  _so few_ – gentle ones he’d had. “You doing alright? You don’t have to come in here, I’ll go it alone. Go back to the jet, it’s okay.” 

“It’s not okay.” Bucky’s lips felt swollen, his tongue numb, the words slow. “I need to do this.” 

“No you don’t. I can–” 

“I don’t remember how many times I tried to escape, Stevie.” Bucky tipped his head back and stared up at the looming structure. “I don’t remember how many guards I killed, how many times they dragged me back and threw me in that goddamn chair. I don’t remember.”

He was slipping, he could  _feel_ it, could feel the darkness crowding the edges of his vision, too many years and too many demands to  _comply_ , too much pain and always always too much blood. He could hear the whispers in the back of his mind, could feel his skin crawling with the feeling of too many eyes watching, wanted to shy away from too many hands reaching from the shadows to drag him  _back_.

“Hey hey hey.” It was a very real risk for Steve to put his hand on Bucky’s neck, to bring him close to push their foreheads together and Bucky remembered– he  _remembered_ , he  _knew_ – that Stevie had never been one to back down from a risk. It made sense in an awful sort of way that he wouldn’t back down now. “Hey, stay with me. Stay with me. I’m right here, Buck. Focus on me.” 

“I don’t remember how many times.” Bucky closed his eyes and struggled to  _think_ , struggled to hang on to the shreds of his self awareness for a few minutes longer. “But I remember that the doors were never open, not when I wanted them to be. They were never open, Stevie. Not ever. Not until after I’d forgotten that I wanted to escape.” 

“Well they’ll be open today.” Steve let go and directed Bucky a step behind him, holding that shield up in front as if he could keep the  _horror_ away just by sheer force of will. “I promise. No one’s going to close those doors on you again.”

***************

Inside the bunker it was worse, dark and suffocating, cold and dry and  _awful_ and Bucky’s breath came shallow and harsh, his mouth parted trying to get as much air as he could, but there just wasn’t  _enough_.

There had only ever been enough air to  _scream_ , and Buck fought the urge to give in and do exactly that. 

“Stay with me.” Steve murmured, checking over his shoulder to make sure Bucky was still with him. “Breathe in and out. We’re fine.”  

There was even  _less_ oxygen in the elevator that took them down and down and down into the bowels of the bunker and Bucky’s hands shook on the rifle when the elevator cage closed around them, the cables and machinery creaking loud and grating at his ears. 

“We’re good, this is fine.” Steve kept his voice quiet but conversational as he heaved the door up and over and led Bucky out. He was calm like he used to when they snuck through the back halls at church, skipping out on the service to go and chuck rocks out of the bell tower. Stevie had been fearless back then, not caring about the priest or one of the Sunday school marms catching them, and Bucky had followed the smart-ass blonde without hesitation.

“You’re smiling.” Steve paused long enough to scope out a hall, waiting for Bucky to nod that _yes this is the right way_  before continuing. “This is a weird place to be smiling, Buck.”

“I was thinking about church.” It was good to talk, gave Bucky a distraction from the  _everything_ that was wrong with every second they spent in the bunker. “Bout how we used to sneak out to throw rocks from the bell tower.”

“Yeah.” Steve’s smile was a little lopsided and a whole lot melancholy. “Yeah, I remember. Do you remember that day we had to ride back from Rockaway on the back of a truck cos we spent our train money on hot dogs?”

“I remember spending a bunch of money trying to win a prize for some mouthy redhead.” The memory came easy and painless and Bucky’s smile stretched a little wider. “What was her name?”

“Dolores.” Steve fell back a step so Bucky could go up the stairs first, his shield held at the side and slightly behind to cover their rear. “You called her Dot. She probably never figured out why she couldn’t score with you, why you went home with me instead. You were real good about keeping all that under wraps back then.”

“Keeping all that under wraps.” Bucky swallowed, gripped his gun a little tighter, hesitated halfway up the stairs as a different memory filtered through.  _I’m about gone on you soldier_.  “Stevie. When we get out of here will you tell me about–”  _Tony. Brooklyn. The one with dark hair_. “–will you tell me about–”

 _Thud–thud–tchtchtchtch_. 

Bucky whirled around when a loud noise echoed through the chamber and he dropped down automatically, raising his gun to just over Steve’s shoulder when Steve crouched as well with the shield up to cover as much as possible. They waited anxiously as the big double door across the way inched open on its tracks, pried apart from the other side by something  _big_.

It was more instinct than choice, both worrying and a relief the way Bucky’s mind immediately settled, his vision focusing on the still unseen target. He’d been fighting the memories, the  _dark_ since his first step off the jet but now he welcomed the way his entire being fit back into the familiar motions. He was scattered and nearly unstable but  _this_ – Bucky could do this all day.

_Gun up, eyes sharp, breathing steady._

_One shot to the chest, one shot to the head._

_The M249 had a hundred round casket mag, even if the incoming operatives were armored up, he could handle at least two dozen men before running empty and–_

“Stay with me.” Steve shifted until his back hit Bucky’s knee, obviously an attempt to bring him back to the moment. “Buck? Don’t go quiet on me now.”

_The Soldier knew every inch of this bunker._

_The stairs led up to an open area, a massive chamber that held the cryogenic capsules. Additional side cells that locked and were veritable fortresses, impenetrable with anything less than a UR-100 missile. There was a control room to the left, an open escape into the wilds further down the corridor and–_

“Bucky!” Steve’s voice was sharper now. “Stay with me! Focus!”

_Escaping in the cold would be difficult, but not impossible. The Soldier could run flat out at full speed for almost an hour before needing to slow and that only mattered if he couldn’t get into the jet outside the bunker and–_

Bucky startled when a suit of gold and red armor stepped through the open doors, the voice coming from the mask deep and monotone. “Well hey there. Don’t you guys make a cute couple? Big and blonde and big and brooding. Very nice.”

“Stand down, Bucky.” Steve muttered and that was an order Bucky understood at his core. He was  ~~the Soldier~~  a soldier and he understood  _stand down_  even when he didn’t understand much of anything else.  

“He’s a friend.” Steve said then and Bucky nodded jerkily, easing his finger off the trigger and pointing the barrel down at the ground. “I promise he’s a friend. Stay here, I’ll be right back.”

Bucky watched as Steve walked– no  _jogged_ towards the newcomer, the shield put away over his back and hand outstretched, but looked away when the face plate on the armor snapped up and back. He wasn’t ready to see who was in the armor, wasn’t ready for another piece of information that he couldn’t process, another variable to make this situation even worse.

He wasn’t ready.  

Bucky hadn’t recognized the voice behind the mask, but then again, maybe he had. And he recognized the armor from that day in DC, but… but maybe he didn’t. 

The bunker was ruining him, breaking his concentration and wearing on his sanity and Bucky wavered somewhere between the  _blank_ of shutting down and letting the Soldier take over, and the fear that if he couldn’t hold it together long enough to finish this mission, then this place where he’d been created and molded and turned into a killer, this place where they’d stripped away everything  _Bucky_ – this place would be the last thing he ever saw.

“We should have shut the doors.” he muttered to no one at all, the words muted in the cold air. “We should have shut the doors. They shouldn’t be open. Nothing should ever leave here.”

Dimly, he heard pieces of the conversation between Steve and the one in the armor, snatches of “I don’t know how stable–” and “I’ll keep the mask on–” and “no more surprises today–” and “time for it later–” and most surprisingly, “I missed you.”

“Careful Cap.” They were coming closer now and Bucky fought every instinct that told him to put his gun up.  _He’s a friend. He’s a friend. Trust Stevie, he’s a friend_. “I take great pride in being the needy, clingy one in this relationship. You’re going to steal my thunder.”

Something that sounded like– “Christ, I love you.” – but that wasn’t right. Steve liked pretty girls in bright red dresses, right?

 _Right_?

“Hey, Manchurian Candidate.” the armors face plate was down again, the voice monotone but obviously trying to sound non threatening. “Truce, alright? I’m here to help. Let’s figure this shit out and then we can go home. We’ll just go home and everything will be fine.”

The voice broke then, caught and hitched and Bucky kept staring down at the steps, cursing his faulty memory because even now the word ‘home’ made him  _ache_ , made his concentration fail and even through the armor the word ‘home’ sounded– it  _sounded_ –

“Come on.” Steve motioned for Bucky to get up again, to keep moving up the stairs. “T– um, Iron Man’s right. After this we’ll go home and we’ll figure the rest out. We’ll have all sorts of time for that. Keep going, let’s get done and get out.”

“Done and out.” Bucky repeated, as if he was strong, as if he was stable, as if he wasn’t a few moments from collapsing. “Sure thing, Stevie.”

Iron Man stopped mid step then, stopped and swiveled to look and Bucky glanced up at the thin eye slits and then away. “Sure thing…” Iron Man repeated and maybe the armor laughed but it didn’t sound happy. “Jesus  _Christ_.”   

It should have been shocking to find the other soldiers dead in their cryogenic capsules, but Bucky didn’t feel anything except a wash of  _relief_.

“Is this all of them?” Steve asked as Bucky flattened a palm over Josef’s tank, staring up into the expressionless face. “Buck? Is this the other five?”

“This is all of them.” It should have horrifying seeing the evidence of what had been a cold blooded execution at point blank range, but Bucky had seen– and helped– the kill squad do far, far worse in his time with HYDRA and he knew this sort of death was more merciful than the soldiers had deserved.

This death was more merciful than  _he_ deserved.

“This is all of them.” he said again, quieter. “All of them except me.”

“If it’s any comfort to you, they all died in their sleep.” the voice came over the speakers and Bucky jerked away from the capsule with his gun raised at the same time as Steve took a defensive position, Iron Man raising both hands as the weapons at his palms powered up. “Did you really think I wanted more of you? Foolish.”

“What is this?” Bucky muttered, stepping backwards and to the side and watching Steve do the same, Iron Man miming their motion until the three of them were almost back to back in the center of the chamber. “Stevie?”

“All the same, I’m grateful for them. They brought you here.” There in the control room, a face appeared and Steve flung his shield before Bucky or the other one had a chance to react, the shield clanging harmlessly off the plated glass. “Oh  _please_ Captain. Your Frisbee won’t even make a dent here, nothing short of a missile could bring this bunker down.” 

“Oh, I doubt that.” Iron Man denied, and even more  _power_ surged through the suit, brightening the discs at his palms and the one at his chest. “I bet I could put a  _dent_ in it without even trying, bring it right down on your head no problem. Why don’t we go ahead and test that theory?”

“Oh Mr. Stark.” The man behind the glass looked more annoyed than worried. “Given time I’m sure you could destroy the  _world_ if you were so inclined. But then you’d never know the reason I brought you all here, would you?”

“Gotta say, I don’t really give a damn why you got us here.” Iron Man retorted and Steve actually rolled his eyes, as if the response was not only expected but also funny and Bucky’s eyes flickered between the two of them uncertainly. 

Iron Man kept talking– “But hey, I’ll go ahead and let you monologue for a minute before I blow your ass to kingdom come. I know you who are by the way.” he turned to Steve. “I know who he is. Helmut Zemo. Some HYDRA reject with a hard on for the team. He did the bombing in Vienna, we’re almost positive. We know it wasn’t Bucky at least.”

“You hear that?” Iron Man turned to Bucky now. “We know it wasn’t you, alright? No one blames you for that.” 

“ _Stark_.” Zemo intoned. “You should be more careful with your reassurances. Not everyone is willing to forgive and forget when the Winter Soldier is involved.” 

 _Stark_.

Something about that name rankled at the edge of Bucky’s consciousness, something that wasn’t good, it wasn’t  _good_.

“Yeah, I should be more careful with my reassurances and  _you_ should shut the hell–”

“Did you lose someone?” Steve interrupted before Iron Man–  _Stark_?– could finish. “In New York? Germany? DC? You blew up a lot of people in Vienna to get our attention and here we are. Are you mad about collateral damage? Is that it?”

“Oh I lost someone alright.” Zemo said curtly. “And now? So will you. Tell me, Stark.” – _damn that name, what was that name?_ – “are you aware of who you’re standing next to? Do you know who your Captain brought along to play? Do you,  _Stark_?”

_–damn that name–_

A screen flickered to life in front of them, grainy and green in the way old videos were, a shot of an empty road, a lone street light, and a date stamp “December 16th 1991.”

“I know that road.” Stark said through the mask and he didn’t sound angry, he didn’t sound upset, he just sounded resigned, tired. “And I know what happens. Whatever you’re trying to accomplish showing me this isn’t going to work.” 

“Turn it off.” Steve ordered. “Turn it off now.”

“No no.” Zemo shook his head through the window. “No, I want  _Stark_ to watch, want him to see it in real time. Do you know who you’re standing next to,  _Stark_?”

“I know who I’m standing next to and I–” Stark took a deep breath when the car crashed into a tree, when a motor cycle roared up and a masked figure got off. “Okay that’s enough. I can’t–Steve–”

“ _Sergeant Barnes?_ ” and “ _How–Howard_?” and then screen exploded in a shower of sparks, the repulsors firing and the shield coming down almost at the same time, obliterating the television and the table it sat on.

“Enough!” Steve took two steps over towards Iron Man, a careful hand on his arm and Bucky didn’t know what to think about that. “What do you want, Zemo?”

“ _Stark_.” Bucky flinched this time, something  _something_ turning over in his head. He remembered that road, he remembered that mission. The car crash and dragging the man out of the drivers seat.

“You Stark’s did more than just build bombs didn’t you? Wanted to create a whole team of walking weapons and that goal, that arrogance cost me everything.” 

Zemo droned on in the background but Bucky kept seeing the man’s face– the man’s face as he hit him, kept hearing the voice  _‘Sergeant Barnes?_ ’ and the fear and the recognition in his eyes.

“What is he talking about?” From Steve. “What does he mean?”

“My dad was working on a batch of super soldier serum when the Soldier– when HYDRA found him.” Iron Man said, boots clunking as he stepped further away. “Project Solstice. It was the US’s attempt to counter the Winter Soldier program.”

_“Help my wife, please? Help her.” the Soldier lifted the man’s head by his hair, stared down at the bloody mess and broken bones. “Ser–Sergeant Barnes. Help her.”_

“Your father’s serum was faulty,  _Stark_.” Zemo spat and Bucky turned away from that name,  _that goddamn name_. “Faulty! They used it on all these soldiers and it made them feral. Infected them and turned them crazy. People died, families were ruined.  _My_ family.  _My_ family was ruined, Stark. I lost everything.”

“It is not my fault that HYDRA stole the serum before it was ready.” Iron Man sounded like he only half believed his own words. “I’m sorry about your family, I really am. But that’s not my fault. Obviously this whole mess cost me my family too.”

“But you didn’t lose  _everything_ , did you  _Stark_? At least not yet.”

“Tony–” Steve started and  _oh_ that name was  _worse_ , roaring through Bucky’s mind like a train– 

_A train. “Bucky no! Hold on!”_

_And god it **hurt** – _

_“You are to be the new fist of HYDRA”_. 

_“I’m about gone on you, soldier.”_

“–what is he talking about?” Steve was watching Bucky now, staring over at him anxiously and Bucky stared back without really seeing him, words and faces and  _noise_ swirling around in his head and paralyzing him where he stood. 

“Mission Report, December 16th, 1991.” Zemo ordered and Bucky jerked away from the command, stumbled back a few steps, shaking his head.  _No no no_. “Mission report! December 16th! 1991!”

“Vehicle intercepted.” Bucky was speaking before he could help it, speaking even though he didn’t want to. “First target eliminated, second target eliminated, third target tracked to place of residence and–and–”

“…third target? What third target?” Steve demanded and Bucky heard it as if through water, muffled and shaky and far away. 

“…place of residence?” Iron Man– Stark– Tony?– sounded terrified now. 

“Mission Report! December 16th! 1991!” Zemo shouted. “Explain yourself soldier!” 

“– mission failed.” the gun clattered from Bucky’s hands to the floor and he fell after it, burying his hands in his hair and groaning at the pain as he broke beneath the  _pressure_ , his mind fracturing from the inside out. “Mission failed. Mission failed. Third target not eliminated. Mission failed.” 

“Failure is not an option!” Zemo snapped and Bucky could barely get the words out, “Failure is not an option.”

“Failure is not an option!”

_“Failure is not an option.”_

“You are the only mission the Soldier didn’t complete,  _Stark_.” Zemo sneered. “The only failure of his career. Your father’s faulty serum cost me everything, one of my  _brothers_ is out there in that tank. After they gave him the serum, his mind broke, he killed everyone in the facility and escaped. When they came after him, he tore our home apart, tore  _my_ home apart to try and get away. I lost everything, and today so will you.”

“Failure is not an option.”  ~~Bucky the Soldier~~ Bucky repeated, rocking and back and forth on his knees as he tried to think, tried to piece together anything, everything  _something_. This was  _wrong_ , it was  _wrong_ , he wasn’t– he couldn’t– this was  _wrong_ – “Failure is not a mission. Mission objective, eliminate the Stark’s. Mission failed, mission failed–”

“Time to finish your mission, Soldier.” 

_Failure is not an option._

_Eliminate the Starks._

_Mission failed._

_Adapt: mission completion with elimination of Stark in the armor._

The Soldier stood to his feet, swung the gun up and over and pointed it at the gold and red armor.

_Failure is not an option._

“No!” Steve flung his shield to try and knock the gun away but the Soldier was already firing, and Steve shouted again but the armor–Iron Man– _Stark_ was already firing too, blasting him in the chest with a hit from his repulsors and the Soldier went flying.

“Stop it! Bucky, stop it! This isn’t you!” Steve threw himself between the Soldier and the Iron Man and the Soldier shoved him away, deflected a hit and launched himself towards Stark.  _Failure is not an option, failure is not an option, failure is not–_

“Damn it Tony, he doesn’t know what he’s doing!” Steve tackled Stark away, sent his shield hurtling towards the Soldier in an attempt to slow him down. “Stop attacking him!”

 _Failure is not an option_. He leapt over Steve’s back, fist connecting with the armors chest plate and cracking it, shattering the casing that held the glowing piece over Stark’s heart.

“He’s attacking me!” A punch that sent the Soldier reeling and he scrambled back to his feet in time to be sidelined by Steve again, thrown against a wall and left dazed while Steve tried to get in between him and Stark. “Did you know about this? Did you know I was part of his mission?”

“How could I have known Tony!? How could I have possibly known that?!”

 _Failure is not an option. He_ got back to his feet and charged again, tears of despair and  _fear_ blurring his vision because even though this was  _wrong_ , all of this was  _wrong_ , he was scared of failure, failure hurt, _failure was not an option_. 

And he’d thought  _Tony_ was good memories, he thought brown eyes and a beautiful smile were good memories but he’d been mixing it up with an unfinished mission, a failed mission. He didn’t know Tony, he didn’t love Tony, he had been sent to  _end_ Tony and he had failed and that’s why he hurt, that’s why he  _hurt_ when he thought about it.

 _Failure is not an option_.

Steve was knocked out of the way and the Soldier didn’t know if it was he or Stark that did it but suddenly they were up against the wall and he was scrabbling at the glowing piece of Stark’s chest, instinctively knowing it was  power source.

“Do you even remember them?” Stark shouted and the Soldier shouted back. “I remember all of them!” because he  _did_. He remembered all of them. Every face and every body and every name on a piece of paper and every location and every time stamp. The only memories that didn’t hurt were  _those_ ones, the ones that had ended in blood and death and a mission completed. 

_They were the only memories that didn’t hurt._

“Howard and Maria Stark!” Tony screamed. “Howard Stark! He was your friend! He was your friend! You have to remember!” 

“Get off!” Steve dragged the Soldier away, clocked him with the shield and pleaded, “Tony! Get out of here! Get out so I can get him calmed down!”

“Starks are his mission! I’m a Stark and he’s going to try and kill me–”

“You’re a Carbonell!” Steve knocked Tony over, shoved back at the Soldier when he rushed again. “You’re a Carbonell! Tony Carbonell! Tell him! Bucky! This is Tony Carbonell! Your Tony! He’s your Tony!” 

_Tony Carbonell._

And  ~~The Soldier~~ Bucky stopped in his tracks because he  _remembered_.

He remembered a boy of about twenty playing the piano at a mansion in New York, and he remembered big brown eyes and a mouth so red it made his heart stop and he remembered standing there outside the window with his gun ready and hesitating for the first time ever, hesitating when the kid smiled, hesitating when the kid ran his hands through thick brown hair and tipped his head back and  _laughed_ and it had been familiar and beautiful–

–The Soldier had hesitated,  _Bucky_ had hesitated and then he walked away for the first time ever, had failed a mission for the first time ever, had disappeared for three days with a migraine so bad his nose had bled and too sick to his stomach to even move and it had taken his handlers a week to track him down and bring him back and force him into compliance.

Bucky  _remembered_.

So he stopped.

“T-Tony?”

_“You’re my fella, right Tony?”_

_“You’re right about that, soldier.”_

_Tony._

“Tony!” Steve was so tired of not being fast enough, so tired of not being there to save the people he loved. He hadn’t been fast enough to save Bucky on the train and he hadn’t been fast enough to grab Tony out of the air in New York and now he wasn’t fast enough to stop Tony’s reaction, to stop the chest repulsor from firing and it was too late. 

Bucky had stopped, he’d stopped and his eyes had gone wide and panicked and Steve knew that Bucky had  _known_ in that split second but it was too late. He’d already started to rush Tony and Tony was already firing and Steve wasn’t  _fast enough_  to get his shield between them and it was _too late._

Bucky was blasted away by the chest repulsor, flung across the room and smacked into the wall, hitting the floor and going very still and Tony collapsed almost immediately, the suit opening up to let him fall to his knees on the cold ground.

“God dammit.” Steve skidded across the floor to check Bucky first, feeling for a pulse and making sure he was breathing before racing right back to Tony. “Tony? Sweetheart?”

“I’m okay.” Tony tried to push away but Steve didn’t let him, cradling his face gently and trying to see him. “Steve, I’m okay. I’m fine.” 

“You’re not okay, you’re not okay.” Steve’s fingers came away stained with blood and he cursed, pressing shaking lips to Tony’s forehead. “Sweetheart, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what triggered him–”

“Me.” Tony said flatly. “ _I_  triggered him. My name activated the Winter Soldier into kill mode and–”

“No no, he was struggling when he got here.” Steve cursed again when he found another cut. “I should have been paying better attention but I had no clue– I had no idea that Zemo would do this, or that there was an unfinished mission– I didn’t know.” 

“I was his mission.” Tony said dully, staring over Steve’s shoulder at Bucky’s still form. “They sent him after my parents and then they sent him after me. I loved him and I grieved for him and I’ve been trying to bring him home and I was his  _mission_.”

“Tony.” Steve started, then stopped, then tried to again. “Tony, I– damn it. I didn’t know about that, you know that right? You believe me.”

“I know you didn’t know.” Tony’s lip was bleeding and he wiped at is absentmindedly. “How would you have known? How could anyone have known?” 

“Okay and I don’t know Zemo knew that.” Steve continued. “But he orchestrated all of this as some twisted revenge for what HYDRA did to his family. That’s not your fault, and it’s not Bucky’s fault, alright? It’s not Howard’s fault and it’s not your fault, not Bucky’s either. This is on HYDRA and it’s on Zemo.”

“I know.” Tony finally looked away from Bucky. “Yeah I– I know. But I was his  _mission_ , Steve.” 

“A  _failed_ mission.” Steve said firmly, tipping Tony’s head up so he could look him in the eye. “Do you understand that? You are his  _only_ failed mission in fifty years. He was sent to end you and he didn’t because even activated, even after decades of brainwashing, even with the fear of  _failure_ , seeing you was enough to compromise him, to break through it all. He loves you, Tony. He loves you and he knows you and he knew you back then. He never forgot you.”

“He just tried to kill me.”

“He stopped when I said Carbonell.” Steve smoothed Tony’s hair back from his face, starting to panic when Tony didn’t respond to the touch, when his head lolled back against the wall. “Did you see? He stopped when I said  _Carbonell_. Tony, you’re enough to bring him back. Being reminded of a failed mission triggered him, but  _you_ were enough to make him stop.” 

“He um– he stopped when he saw me before.” Tony said tiredly. “He put a gun in my face and I called him Brooklyn and he stopped.”

“He knows you, Tony.” Steve choked back a sob, heartbroken and furious and  _terrified_ , fear twisting in his stomach because he was so close to losing  _everything_. “He knows you, I promise. He knows you and he loves you and this is–  _fuck_ , this is so bad but it’s not all bad. It;s not all bad. He  _knows_ you and when he wakes up–” 

“You need to go.” Tony pushed Steve away, cut him off with a hard shove to his shoulder. “Get Bucky and get out.”

“Tony–”

“Go.” he repeated. “I didn’t tell Ross where I was going, and the guy’s a pain in the ass but he’s not stupid. He’ll have tracked me this far, I guarantee his men aren’t far behind. Get Bucky and get out.”

“There is no way.” Steve cupped Tony’s jaw and forced his eyes up. “Tony, there is no goddamn way I am leaving you, do you understand me? Don’t ask me to do that. I promised you I would be here, and I’m here. I’m not leaving you.” 

“I’ll have Pepper set up a safe house.” Tony pushed at him again. “You guys can hide there until we can get everything figured out with Zemo and the Vienna bombing, okay? Please just go.”

“I am not leaving you.” Steve repeated. “We will figure this out  _together_.”

“I can’t.” Tony’s eyes were wet, tears filling in the corners. “Steve, I  _can’t_. Not right now. And Bucky– I don’t know if he will wake up  _him_ again or still the Soldier–”

“He knew you, Tony. He knew you. When he wakes up it will be fine, it’s going to be fine.” 

“When he looks at you, he sees a friend.” Tony scrubbed at his face and tried not to break down completely. “And when he looks at me, he sees a target. Please go. Take him and get help and when it’s safe for him and safe for– for me, you can bring him home. I’ll tell them you beat me and got away, or I’ll tell them it was just me and Zemo here or… or something. Right now this sort of thing will land Bucky in an executioners chair and no one will bother to ask questions. Just go.”

“I’m so sorry sweetheart.” Steve fisted his hands in Tony’s hair, pushed their foreheads together. “Tony, I’m so sorry. I had no idea– I’m so sorry–” 

“We’ll have time for that later.” Tony pushed him away again, lifting his chin up and obviously trying to keep a brave face. “Get out of here while there’s still time. Go on.” 

It took everything Steve had to walk away, to leave one last, desperate kiss on Tony’s mouth and run back over to Bucky, and it took everything Tony had to let him go. 

“Bucky, come on.” Steve had to shake Bucky a few times to wake him up, putting his arm around him to help him stand. “Come on Buck, we gotta go, we’ve got to get out here.” 

“Stevie.” Bucky sounded dazed,  _lost_ , staring around in bewilderment. “Stevie what happened– who is that– you said, you said–” he craned his neck around to see Tony. “You said that was Tony? Do I know him?”

“Bucky, come on.” Steve started dragging Bucky towards the exit, holding him tight so Bucky wouldn’t break away. “We can talk when we make it to the safe house, but we’ve got to go  _now_.” 

“No no wait! Tony!” Bucky called desperately over his shoulder. “Do I know you? Do you call me Brooklyn? I know you! Tony, I know you!  _Tony_!” 

“Yeah soldier.” Tony picked up the shield Steve had left behind, wiped his hand through the blood and dirt on the star and hugged it to his chest. “Yeah, I know you too.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay so full disclosure, I finished this chapter while very sick and after a lot (ALOT) of cold medicine so be a teensy bit forgiving about editing errors lol 
> 
> That being said, I really honestly love this chapter, I love the differing POV’s and I love Bucky’s progression and I love how we get to see a piece of that fast talking, quick thinking, give no fucks Tony from pre-IM1 and I just really enjoyed telling this story in this format and I hope you guys have lots to say about it because it’s like 8000 words long.

Pepper cried when Tony got home from Siberia, recleaned and rebandaged the already healing scrapes, made him three different doctors appointments though he’d already been seen by two different specialists who had found no internal bleeding, no damage to the arc reactor or the muscles surrounding, and had assured Tony that the cuts on his head were superficial, that the bruise on his cheek would heal. **  
**

Pepper didn’t care what the other doctors had said, and she went along with Tony to the new appointments, holding his hand tightly and barking at the nurses to “Be careful!” as they drew blood for tests.

Rhodey cried when Tony got a package in the mail nearly a week later, but it was tears of laughter, holding his sides as if they would split when the delivery driver called Tony ‘ _Tony Stank_ ’ no less than six times as Tony signed for the box.

Tony didn’t cry until he sat on Steve’s bed and unfolded the letter, the flip phone laying beside him on the quilts. It didn’t even really say anything, the letter didn’t. Nothing more than a few sentences of generic platitudes  _‘I’m glad to hear you made it home_ ’ and ‘ _I regret your injuries_ ’ and  _‘I hope you understand the need for limited communication_ ’.

Tony knew it was an attempt on Steve’s part to be as obscure as possible in case the letter ended up in someone else’s hands, someone like Secretary of State Thaddeus Ross who had been no more than a second shy of a screaming fit when Tony had come home from Siberia with neither the Winter Soldier nor Accord’s-breaker Captain America.

“You refusing to give up their location is damn near treason, Stark!” The Secretary had spat, jabbing his finger in Tony’s chest and Tony had simply put his sunglasses on and replied, “And you putting your hands on a national treasure such as my self is damn near a felony. Which of us is going to report the other?”

Secretary Ross had blustered and fumed and Director Ross– “No relation.” he kept assuring Tony.– rolled his eyes and Tony had sent them both a double thumbs up before sashaying his way out of the briefing room.

And really, He couldn’t have helped out Secretary Ross even if he’d wanted to. Tony had told Pepper in no uncertain terms that she was to keep the location of the safe house only to herself. Plausible deniability, first of all. And if Tony didn’t know where Steve and Bucky were hiding out, he’d be less tempted to track them down and show up on the front step, which would compromise everyone’s security.

No, Secretary Ross could fuss all he wanted, but he’d learn exactly nothing from Tony. Steve’s letter could have been a four page love confession with a detailed account of everything that happened in Siberia and direct coordinates to the safe house and Tony  _still_ would have stood up in a court of law and denied it all.

But of course the letter was only the basics because Steve was too smart to say what he really want to in print, too cautious to even confirm or deny Bucky’s presence at all. For all intents and purposes, the letter was  _nothing_. A few stilted sentences that read like a correspondence between work friends or maybe even strangers, a neatly printed ‘ _With Regards, Steven Rogers_ ’ across the bottom.

If Tony was anyone else, he would have been angry about the formality of the note, the stiffness in every word. After Siberia he needed more than generic apologies and flat assurances.

But he was Tony Stark and this was Steve Rogers and Tony had to blot away tears before they soaked the paper and blurred the ink in the far left corner, the carefully drawn dots and dashes that would have been overlooked by anyone else.

Morse Code, and Tony knew without even tapping it out on his thigh that it would perfectly match Howard’s code, and was  _definitely_ the six digit code needed to unlock the phone so he could no doubt receive a more personalized message from Steve.

The code spelled RCKYRD and if Tony hadn’t been crying he would have laughed over it.

 **From Steve** :  _Sweetheart, I can’t tell you how hard it was to leave you there in that goddamn bunker, I hate myself for it, I really do._

 **From Steve** : _I saw the news, Bucky landed in the Top Ten most wanted and I’m not far beneath him as an accessory. We are laying low._

 **From Steve** :  _The safe house is perfect, and we have enough money to last a few months. Please don’t worry about us._

 **From Steve** :  _Really, don’t worry about us. Bucky is Bucky again, as much as he can be and we are taking everything one day at a time._

 **From Steve** :  _I miss you_

 **From Steve** :  _Don’t do that thing where you work instead of sleep, or work instead of eat because you’re stressed out. Don’t do that. I know you’re going to go after the UN to bring us home, but please remember to take care of yourself since I’m not there to drag you out of the lab and up to bed._

 **From Steve** :  _To be safe I won’t be using this phone very often. If there is an emergency, call me, then text and I’ll call you back immediately. Otherwise just texts and I’ll get back to you when I can._

 **From Steve** : _I love you, Tony. We both do._

_I love you Tony. We both do._

Tony didn’t remember the last time he’d used a flip phone at all, much less to text and it was more than a little annoying to tap at the numbers over and over to get his message out.

 **From Tony** :  _Rocky Road is a terrible pass code and the cheesiest thing I’ve ever heard._

The phone  _blinged_ almost immediately with a message back from Steve.

 **From Steve** :  _I’m pretty sure my cheesiness is why you love me though._

 **From Tony** :  _Goddamnit, I hate when you’re right._

“Tony?” Pepper tapped on the door. “Why don’t you come down and get some dinner. Rhodey ordered us some food and is threatening to call the tabloids and tell them your name is  _Tony Stank_  if you don’t at least eat half of it.”

“At least half.” Tony slid the phone into his pocket and tried to smile. “Sure thing, Ms. Potts. Also, go ahead and tell your boyfriend that if he tells anyone else about the Tony Stank thing, I will release a years worth of drunk videos of him dancing in his underwear to the Risky Business soundtrack.”

“Oh Tony, Rhodey and I aren’t–” Pepper automatically started to deny the dating comment, but frowned when Tony only  _looked_ at her. “Alright, I’ll tell him about the Risky Business thing.”

“Uh-huh. See that you do.”

*****************

*****************

_My name is Bucky Barnes._

This notebook was bright blue and smaller than Bucky’s last one, fitting perfectly in the back pocket of his brand new jeans along with a pen to jot down his thoughts as they came to him.

_My name is Brooklyn._

Bucky didn’t know the last time he’d bought new jeans. They fit him well but it was still weird to wear something so stiff at the seams, something not worn at the knees and in the seat. The jeans went with his brand new boots, a far cry from his heavy combat boots and Bucky didn’t know how he felt about his feet being so light. 

_Steve Rogers is my best friend._

He wore Steve’s shirts most days. They smelled like Steve’s cologne and they felt familiar even if they weren’t  _actually_ familiar. Always long sleeves, the material stretching over Bucky’s shoulders and it felt normal to be sharing clothes like they’d done back when Bucky’s shirts were too big for Steve, like they’d done when Steve had gotten tall and they were both the same size. It felt normal to hear Steve’s huff of exasperation followed by an always fond smile and even though it was Bucky stealing shirts now instead of a tiny Steve stealing shirts, it felt the same and it felt  _familiar_ and that was all that mattered.

_Familiar: Jazz music, plums, red, Stevie._

“Are you hungry?” Steve asked when Bucky came into the living room wearing his favorite red Henley and a pair of jeans that still swished when he walked. “You didn’t eat dinner last night.”

“I don’t have to eat very often.” Bucky said slowly, because he wasn’t used to voicing things like what he wanted or whether or not he wanted anything at all. “So no, I’m not hungry.”

“Alright.” Steve nodded. “Do you want to eat anyway?”

Steve was good about that, asking Bucky easy but pointed questions and then offering him open ended options so he could choose.

Bucky had gone a very long time without being able to choose anything and more often than not, the option left him confused. Eating for the sake of eating, because he liked plums and loved pancakes and had developed a weakness for dark chocolate, was something Bucky hadn’t realized he had missed until it was suddenly acceptable again.

“I– I don’t think so.”

“‘Kay.” Another quick nod, because Steve was good at that too, good at letting Bucky’s decisions just be  _his_ without any pressure or opinions or expectations. “I’m going to make some eggs and bacon and then I have to go to the store for some more groceries. Do you want to go with me?”

“ _No_.”

_Dislikes: Public places, large crowds, cameras, cold._

Steve went to the store and Bucky stayed behind at the safe house to do a load of laundry, the easy task allowing his mind to wander and newly uncovered memories to surface without the pain of an instant headache.

He remembered the apartment in Brooklyn, the stairs that Stevie could hardly climb and the bathroom that was small enough to put a foot in the shower, sit on the toilet and wash your hands all at the same time. He remembered the tiny beds and the thin blankets and the way there was never quite enough food in the cupboards for both of them.

Bucky folded the new clothes Steve had purchased for him and remembered the winters his ma had brought them over old towels to cut up and patch the holes in their sleeves and the hems of their pants. They only ever bought clothes that fit Bucky, then trimmed them up for Stevie and sewed the extra material into his chest to help keep him warm.

_Things I like: new clothes, warm shirts, more than one pair of shoes. Stevie is healthy._

There was a picture on the end table next to Steve’s bed and Bucky made sure he put all the clothes away before he picked it up just like he did every day, sitting down on Steve’s bed and tracing the faces with his finger.

He remembered Peggy. He remembered her perfectly pressed uniform and the way she touched her hair when Steve made her blush. How she always called him Sergeant Barnes and the night they danced, she had laughed and laughed as he had spun her around and tried to be charming. Bucky had nearly dropped her though, when Peggy had arched one of those lovely eyebrows and made a comment about where his hands were and if he were Steve, where she’d  _like_ them to be.

Bucky had laughed and Peggy had laughed and Bucky had dipped her low and waggled his eyebrows and Steve had looked only slightly jealous from the sidelines and Tony–

Tony had–

Bucky closed his eyes.

He remembered Tony.

_“I missed you, soldier. Don’t stay away so long next time.”_

_“The first time we say I love you, I want that just to be mine.”_

_“We’ll just go home and everything will be fine.”_

He remembered Tony.

_Tony is Tony Carbonell._

_Tony Stark._

_Tony Stark was a mission and I didn’t finish it. Tony Stark was a failed mission. Tony Stark is Tony Carbonell and he is a failed mission._

_I loved Tony Stark. I loved Tony Carbonell._

_Tony calls me Brooklyn and he wants me to come home._

*****************

*****************

 **From Steve** :  _I think you should do the green material with the multi-sized checks for the recliners. Greens a nice, warm color and it won’t show a lot of dirt._

 **From Tony** : _Are you planning on sprinkling dirt on my recliners, Spangles?_

 **From Steve** :  _I’m just saying if you come in from gardening looking adorable and one of us snatches you up, the green color won’t show dirt._

 **From Tony** :  _Green it is._

“You don’t seem to be listening, Mr. Stark.” The UN delegate raised his voice, clearly annoyed. “Is this hearing interrupting your social media time? We could always reschedule if what is on your phone absolutely cannot wait.”

“Not interrupting anything.” Tony slid the phone back into his pocket, his smile just this side of mocking. “And I was definitely listening to you trying to bring Captain America up on charges for breaking a law that doesn’t even exist yet.”

Murmurs in the background, probably from reporters and Tony raised his eyebrows. “Because the Accords don’t  _actually_ exist yet, do they? They are nothing more than words on paper with out a single signature because Helmut Zemo blew the Vienna building half to hell. You’re welcome by the way? For catching him?  _You_ guys certainly didn’t do that, did you? But that’s besides the point. The point is–”

Tony grinned when the chairman huffed in irritation. “The  _point_ is, the Accords aren’t a law not in America and certainly not on the international stage so what this council is trying to do is indict a national hero on non existent charges, to say that Captain Steve Grant Rogers who is two hundred and forty pounds of God fearing All American Bad Ass is as a criminal for breaking laws that don’t exist! You want to crucify him on the basis that  _if_ Zemo hadn’t been a complete psycho, the Accords  _would_ have been ratified and made legal and  _then_ he would have been breaking the law crossing borders in his uniform and helping Sergeant Barnes. And if that’s what we’re doing–”

“Mr. Stark.”

“No no, let me finish.” Tony whipped off his sunglasses and pointed them at the council. “If  _that’s_ what we’re doing, what’s the next step? Are we going to pre-emptively throw college kids in jail because they could potentially be breaking a law that will probably be put into effect that raises the drinking age to twenty five?”

“You are being purposefully argumentative, Mr. Stark.”

“Am I?” Tony challenged. “Or am I taking you to task for setting a dangerous precedent when it comes to the international stage? Are we going to drag foreign dignitaries in the moment they step off the plane because there is talk of erasing diplomatic immunity for representatives from  unstable nations? Are we going to arrest gun-owners today because next year there will be some very serious gun control laws coming through Congress and there is a chance those gun owners will break those future, hypothetical, stricter laws? This is a dangerous precedent sir, and not one I think the public will appreciate, especially when the first induction of this new precedent involves throwing Captain America in prison.”  

“You all know the Sergeant Barnes was framed for the Vienna bombing.” Tony gestured to the television screen frozen on a picture of the decimated UN structure. “And you are also aware that Captain Rogers is well within his rights to cross international borders to bring home a prisoner of war. Or were you all hoping we would forget that Sergeant Barnes has not only been a prisoner of war for seventy years, but also that he went through unimaginable tortures, non consensual body modification  _and_ has the world’s worst case of PTSD? He had his entire identity stripped away, was forced through actions that would turn anyone’s stomach and in the last several years, these actions were taken by men who helped run this very organization. Directors and Secretaries of State! There was a literal resurgence of Nazis _right under your nose!_ ”

“Speaking of dangerous precedents, is this how  _all_ future prisoners of war can expect to be treated? When soldiers come home with PTSD will we add them to the most wanted list and take measures to restrict their movements, cut them off from the families on the suspicion that they might one day be dangerous? Spurned by a government that marched them off to war and now wants nothing to do with the pieces of a soldier who returns?”

“If I may interject?” A councilwoman raised her hand and Tony motioned for her to continue. “Mr. Stark, you have been arguing Captain Roger’s case vehemently for weeks now. And while that is admirable, the question arises of whether you are really so concerned about the way an American icon is being treated and this so called dangerous ‘precedent’ being set by the Accords… or if you’re making a scene simply because you want your boyfriend to come home?”

Audible gasps from around the room and the councilwoman leaned back in her chair, apparently satisfied with derailing Tony’s argument by dropping the bomb shell that Tony Stark and Steve Rogers were  _dating_.

“Councilwoman.” Tony’s smile didn’t even flicker. “Who I’m sleeping with has nothing to do with this discussion at all, and the fact that you even brought it up after I asked some very difficult questions tells me two things– Either you don’t want to answer my question because you have no fucking clue what is going on here and that despite your position on the council, someone else is pulling the strings and you are only here as a microphone for their wishes.  _Or_ , you don’t want to answer and were hoping for a distraction because you know I’m right.”

The council was silent, the reporters in the back holding their breath.

“So which is it?” Tony continued. “Are you a powerless puppet sticking to someone else’s agenda? Or am I right that the charges against Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes are at  _best_ trumped up to avoid an international incident, and at  _worst_ , a scary look into how this century is going to treat the men and women that go off to fight your wars?”

More silence, thick and oppressive and Tony tried hard not to smirk.

“If I could have a word?” Sam stepped to the microphone. “Samuel Wilson. I am a licensed therapist and counselor working at the VA in Washington DC, but also a member of the Avengers team and I have my notes here detailing my view of Sergeants Barnes’s behavior in the moments I spent with him, as well notes pertaining to Captain Rogers’s mindset as far as whether or not he considered his actions to be breaking any–

“Furthermore?” Tony took the microphone back and somewhere behind him, Rhodey moaned “Oh no, not the  _furthermore_ speech.”

“Thank you, Rhodey.” Tony grinned at his oldest friend before turning back to the council. “And apologies to Mr. Wilson for interrupting. But let me just say  _furthermore_ , it pisses me off that you tried to re-direct this hearing by embarrassing me with an announcement about my love life. Why would shacking up with Captain America be embarrassing? Why would I be ashamed of loving him? He’s a goddamn red white and blue star spangled snack pack and I am happy to announce I want a piece of that every single day!” 

The conference room  _exploded_ into noise, Sam nearly cackling, Rhodey rubbing at his temples as he felt the start of what would be no doubt a spectacular migraine and Tony jammed his sunglasses back on and blew a kiss to the camera.  

“Yeah, that’s right.”

 **From Steve** :  _Did you announce you loved me on national television?_

 **From Tony** :  _I absolutely did and everyone who has a problem can die mad about it._

Later that night Tony sat in his lab working on schematics for his suit, playing with paint colors and the casing around his arc reactor– it had cracked alarmingly quickly in Siberia– and JARVIS turned on the news in the background.

“- _-in rather astonishing new today, reclusive billionaire Tony Stark took to the center stage to challenge a United Nations board as they tried to bring charges against Captain Steve Rogers and the still missing former Winter Soldier, Sergeant James Barnes. Mr. Stark hasn’t been in the public eye since the events in New York over a year ago-_ -”

“–  _the phrase #Star Spangled Snack Pack is trending all over as millions of people have taken to social media to express their anger over what is now being called a manhunt for Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes. Others are more worried about this so called dangerous precedent that Mr. Stark accused the board of setting, and are demanding to know the exact status of the Accords and how it might affect them_ –”

“– _Tony Stark is suddenly more popular than his alter ego Iron Man, making a rare public appearance to argue the case for his apparent boyfriend, Captain America_ –”

“– _Did you guys hear about this? Tony Stark showed up to a UN meeting today, actually sober but just as much as an asshole as he’s always been and announced to the world that Steve Rogers is his Star Spangled Snack Pack. I wonder how Cap feels being known as a billionaires boy toy_ –”

“Pretty good for a day’s work, huh J?” Tony asked absentmindedly and the AI answered, “ _It is always a pleasure to see you at work, Sir. Even more so when you are caught on camera with your clothes on_.”

Tony grinned and picked up the phone when it buzzed.

 **From Steve** :  _YOU CALLED ME A SNACK PACK_

 **From Tony** : _I know, I should have told them you were a whole damn meal._

 **From Steve** :  _WHAT_

****************

****************

_I dreamed about Siberia last night. I don’t think Stevie knows I remember it._

“Hey.” Steve sat down on the bed next to Bucky. “What are you thinking about?”

“Same thing I’m always thinking about, I guess.” Bucky handed Steve the strip of pictures, careful not to smudge the print. “How’s Peggy these days?”

“Still feisty.” Steve rubbed his thumb over the pictures the same way he did every day, the same way Bucky did every day. “She lives in a home now and some times her memory isn’t that great, but she’s still her. Still amazing and beautiful and so much smarter than we give her credit for. She knows everything whether I want to tell her or not.”

“S’weird that she’s the only one that–” Bucky motioned lamely to the picture, to the young smiling faces. “–that made a life. That continued on. You and me and–” he swallowed. “–Tony. We’re stuck in time but she moved on.”

“Yeah, she sure did.” Steve’s sigh seemed to come from his very soul, his shoulders hunching and head hanging. “Doesn’t really seem fair to me.”

“Was he–” the name  _Tony_ still hurt a little, accompanied by forcefully repressed memories struggling to the light, by dreams that were closer to nightmares. “Was he um–”

Steve waited patiently, he was _so patient_ now. Bucky didn’t remember Steve being this patient before back when they were kids and getting in to trouble.

“After I fell.” Bucky finished. “How was he? How was Tony?”

“I don’t really know.” Steve’s shoulders hunched a little more. “I don’t really know, Buck. I was so lost in my own head, I think I only saw him two or three times before I went in the ice. I know he wasn’t okay but I wasn’t around to see it.”

“What do you mean, you weren’t around?” Bucky’s voice sharpened,  _dropped_. “I told you to take care of him, Stevie. Told you to look after him if anything happened to me! You promised!”

“I know you did.” Steve put the pictures back on the end table. “And I know I promised I would. But I wasn’t–” he spread his hands helplessly. “Buck, I wasn’t ready for life without you. Didn’t know what to do with myself without my best friend. I could barely get through a day by myself and I didn’t have the strength to be there for Tony as well.”

“You’re Captain America.” Bucky said in disbelief. “What do you mean you didn’t have the strength?”

Steve corrected, “I’m  _Steve_. And I didn’t have the strength and that’s all there is to it. After you fell I couldn’t even talk to Tony. Felt guilty for not bringing you home, felt guilty for not being fast enough to catch you, felt guilty for the way Tony cried–”

He coughed to clear his throat. “We were supposed to together till the end of the line, Buck. That was supposed to mean us being neighbors with white picket fences and rocking chairs. Sunday lunches together after church, Tony and Peggy being friends, a dog and a cat and maybe a couple kids. It was never you falling and me having to tell Tony I’d failed. That wasn’t supposed to be the end of the line. That’s not what it was supposed to be.”

“Nothing about this life is what it’s supposed to be.”

“Yeah, you’re damn right about that.”

_Till the end of the line._

_Not a mission, a promise._

_A promise I broke by falling off the train._

_Was Tony okay after I fell?_

_Is Steve okay now?_

**************

**************

 **From Steve** :  _Happy anniversary to us_

 **From Tony**  :  _What_

 **From Steve** : _A year ago today things changed between us. I came home from SHIELD and we spent all that time in Brooklyn and I kissed you, remember? And the next night you climbed in bed with me and we kissed again. Sort of anniversary. I miss you._

“Who’s talking to you, darling?” Peggy’s hand was cool and limp in Tony’s palm. “Is that Rhodey again? He’s all sort of upset about your star spangled snack pack comment, isn’t he?”

“To be fair, I did sort of shout it on national television.” Tony leaned over and brushed a wisp of hair from Peggy’s forehead. “Are you feeling okay, Auntie?”

“As good as I ever am, I suppose.” Peggy was lying, too weak to even smile properly, her breath coming shallow and strained. “You look positively ghastly though, Tony. Aren’t you sleeping?”

“Not very well.” he admitted, making sure Peggy didn’t see him frown. “I got so used to sleeping next to Steve that it’s hard to sleep without him. And since he isn’t so much off on a mission as he is sort of on the run from the law, it makes it more difficult.”

“Well your speeches to the UN have been very convincing.” Peggy motioned him forward and Tony lay his head gently  _so gently_  on her stomach so she could pet through his hair. “Has your lovely Ms. Potts been helping you write them?”

“She and Rhodey have been helping with the research.” Tony conceded. “And attempting to keep my more outrageous comments reigned in but most of it– I’m just speaking from the heart. From a legal and moral standpoint, Pepper and Rhodey and especially Sam have made some very good points about Bucky’s prisoner of war status and the whole issue of the Accords not technically being made law yet. But I just sort of open my mouth and let whatever happens, happen.”

“Mmm, yes dear you mastered the art of verbal diarrhea at a very young age, didn’t you?”

“Oh my god. Please don’t ever use the phrase verbal diarrhea ever again.”

Peggy’s laugh was too quiet, too raspy and it made Tony hurt deep in his heart.

“You know, you could always bring up the fact that at least three of those council members have fathers or grandfathers that fought alongside the Commandos.” she said thoughtfully. “I’m even positive that your Sergeant Barnes saved one or two of them specifically. I absolutely remember a young soldier named Murkowski being carried into the tent by Bucky, and I wrote the report for William Allred who swore that Bucky hauled him out of a death trap. Thought he was Captain America because Bucky was holding the shield but it turned out–”

“–Steve had flung it like a jackass and Bucky had pulled it out of a tree.” Tony finished. “I remember the story.”

“So use it.” Peggy’s fingers were trembling in Tony’s hair now, the toll of their short conversation making her weary. “Remind those pompous pricks that their very existence is in question if Steve and Bucky hadn’t saved lives back in the war, and ask if  _this_ is how they are repaying the debt of life, by condemning the very men that saved them. Draw a parallel between Steve’s attitude in the war, that whole hearted never-say-never stubbornness and determination, and apply it to the situation with Bucky.”

“That’s… brilliant.”

“Oh I’m well aware, love.”

“You’re tired.” Tony sat up again when Peggy’s hand fell away. “Should I leave?”

“Well it isn’t really proper for you to be here when I sleep, is it?” Peggy’s lovely eyes flickered hazy and then clear and her brow furrowed. “Mr. Carbonell, why are you in my room?”

“I was just on my way out.” Tony pushed the words past the threat of tears, shaken by the change in his Auntie in just a few short weeks, the way her memory failed her from one minute to the next. “Sweet dreams, Agent Carter. I’ll talk to you in the morning.”

“Would you ask Captain Rogers to find me at breakfast?” Peggy sank back into her pillow, looking too tiny and too frail to be the indomitable woman who had shaped Tony’s life. “I have something I’d like to give him.”

“I’ll let him know.” Tony whispered and shut the door as quietly as he could.

“Is she asleep?” the attending nurse asked and Tony managed a nod. “That’s good. Poor dear, she hasn’t long now.”

“Is she–” he cleared his throat and tried again. “She’s not in any pain, is she?”

“Oh no, none at all. Healthy as a nearly hundred year old woman can be.” the nurse assured him. “Her memory is going though, some mornings it takes hours before she comes back around.”

“You don’t force her back, do you?” Tony signed out in the guestbook, glancing up with a worried frown. “You don’t stress her out by reminding her she’s not in the past?”

“Of course not.” The nurse took Tony’s visitors badge and placed it back in the drawer. “Mrs. Carter has lived such an astonishing life, we love to hear her stories. And even if we didn’t–” her smile was a touch sad. “– who are we to tell her any different? Peggy has lived this long, she deserves to have her final days be peaceful, not fraught with arguments about where she is or what’s the proper date.”

“Thank you.” Tony left his card on the desk. “Call me if anything happens.”

“I will, Mr. Stark. Enjoy the rest of your day.”

“Right.” Tony waited until he was in his car to put his forehead on the steering wheel and let the tears fall.

*******************

*******************

 **From Unknown Number** :  _Is this Tony?_

Bucky typed the message as he did his morning workout, curling up into sit up after sit up, dropping into push up after push up, pulling himself into chin up after chin up until his body ached and he was dripping sweat on the floor.

He didn’t have to work out, the serum kept him perpetually fit, his metabolism too high to allow any weight gain. The repetition was good though, calming, soothing, like running except they couldn’t go running because they had to keep a low profile. So it was push ups and sit ups and chin ups and one armed push ups and sit ups hanging from the chin up bar, and one handed chin ups that twisted his body around and strained every single muscle it could.

 _Repetition_. Calming. Soothing. Letting memories come to him unheeded, without a headache, his body so busy working that he didn’t have to try to think.

 **From Unknown Number** :  _I mean, is this my Tony._

Tony’s pacing faltered when the flip phone buzzed and he saw the message.

 **From Tony** :  _This is Tony._

“No no no, you listen to me!” he snapped into his other phone. “Why don’t you ask your viewers how they feel about the government mistreating the greatest generation like this? What sort of message does it send to those men who marched off to a war the United States didn’t have to enter, to go up against weapons no one had ever seen before, who somehow  _miraculously_ made it home and now the man so many of them called  _Captain_ is now being hunted as a war criminal.”

 **From Tony** : …  _your Tony._

“Oh no no, Ms. Grace.” Tony laughed and it wasn’t a good sound. “Open up your phone lines! Put in a call to Councilman Allred and have him ask his dad how it felt when Sergeant Barnes pulled him out of the mud and muck and carried him back across the line. I would love to know what retired Sergeant Murkowski thinks about all of this!”

Tony blew a kiss at James as he came in with coffee and went right back to his conversation. “For that matter, we should talk about how all the things Captain Rogers was praised for being in the forties are now the very same things they want to demonize him for. He wasn’t  _reckless_ when he threw himself out of planes to land behind enemy lines and single handedly take out tanks, but he’s suddenly  _reckless_ when he tries to bring his former Sergeant in? He wasn’t overstepping when he ditched the USO tour and saved what was left of the 107th, but he is over stepping by hiding Sergeant Barnes away until this whole mess is straightened out?”

 **From Unknown Number** :  _I miss you._

“You know what, Ms. Grace. Sergeant James Barnes is a legitimate prisoner of war, held against his will, put through unspeakable things, used as a tool for the same men that just a few months ago  _you_ were schmoozing with at the State Dinner and you are going to have the absolute nerve to suggest–”

 **From Unknown Number** :  _I miss loving you._

“Um–” Tony’s eyes went wide and Rhodey jumped to his feet to grab him when Tony wavered and nearly collapsed. “Ms. Grace, um– um–”

“Tones?” Rhodey asked softly and Tony shook himself out of his stupor.

“Ms. Grace, you and everyone else who thinks Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes don’t deserve a goddamn heroes parade can go fuck yourselves. Those two quite literally saved the world just as recently as six months ago and you’re too far into your privileged bubble to see it. Yes you can quote me on that, I fucking said it, didn’t I?”

Tony’s phone shattered against the far wall and Rhodey  _tsked_ at him. “Pissing off Nancy Grace again? Think she’s going to quote you?”

“I hope she plays the whole damn soundbite.” Tony sniffed and opened the phone again to type out a message.

 **From Tony** :  _I miss you too, Brooklyn._

 **From Tony** :  _Can I still call you Brooklyn?_

Bucky made dinner that night. Steak and baked potatoes and vegetables and fries and he and Steve ate in silence for most of the evening.

“Don’t know if I’ll ever get used to having enough to eat.” Steve admitted as he cut into a thick slice of cake. “Even on the USO tour food was limited, and of course in the war we had our rations. Been almost a year and a half in this century and I never get used to being able to eat everything I want.”

“ _Hm_.” Bucky played at the frosting on his cake, and then– “I don’t talk Brooklyn anymore.”

“Uh–” Steve frowned mid bite. “Well, neither do I. Even people who live in Brooklyn don’t usually talk like we used to. There’s been a lot of growth in the neighborhoods and alot of movement in and out of different goups and a lot of the real obvious speech patterns don’t really exist anymore. Remember how obnoxious those Jersey kids used to talk? Not everyone talks like that anymore. Besides, you and I–”

“Tony loved me because of how I talked.” Bucky interrupted. “I don’t talk like that anymore.”

“Oh.” Steve put his fork down and thought carefully about what he was going to say. “Bucky, Tony loves you for a hundred different reasons. He’ll be so happy to see you when we go home that you not talking the same won’t even matter.”

“You think?”

“I  _know_.”

 **From Unknown Number** :  _Please call me Brooklyn._

“Do you want to talk about Tony?” Steve ventured later that night as they washed dishes. “You haven’t asked about him yet and I didn’t want to bring him up too soon.” he paused. “Does his last name still– still make your head hurt?”

“Stark?” Bucky dried a plate and put it away. “No. He’s Tony Stark. And he’s Tony Carbonell. Tony Carbonell Stark. Doesn’t trigger me, just confuses me.”

“Because he’s here too?” Steve handed him a clean cup. “Because it’s the same person from the war?”

“Something like that.”

“Do you– do you want to talk about it?” Steve turned the water off and wiped the sink down. “I don’t really understand everything about how we met him back then and how he’s here now but I can at least answer a few questions.” 

“I don’t know if I want to know.” Bucky tossed the hand towel towards the laundry. “Every time I find out something new, it sorta fucks me up or ruins someone else’s life or is some terrible secret better left buried. I’d rather not know. Not right now.”

Steve was quiet for a moment, sobered by Bucky’s words. “…Alright.”

 **From Steve** :  _We talked about you tonight. I told him you love him whether he talked Brooklyn anymore or not._

Pepper took the open phone out of Tony’s hand and closed it gently, putting it on the side table and brushing a kiss to Tony’s forehead.

“Is he okay?” James asked from the door and Pepper sighed, snagging a blanket from the couch to lay over Tony’s sleeping form on the recliner. “Drunk?”

“Not drunk.” Pepper cleared away a couple beer bottles and carried them to the kitchen. “Or at least not very. Two beers isn’t enough to even make him tipsy, I think he was too tired to even  _attempt_ to get drunk.”

“He’s been working a lot up here.” Rhodey looked around the cabin, to the recent repairs in the wall and the newly upholstered couch. “Coping or hiding?”

“Most likely a mix of both.” Pepper turned down the lamps in the living room. “But can you blame him?”

“Tomorrow is the final meeting of the UN board.” James held out his hand for Pepper and they climbed the stairs together. “They’ll announce the official decision to make the Accords law, and announce whether or not Cap and Sergeant Barnes will be pursued or if the charges will be dropped and they can come home so Bucky can get the help he needs.”

“That’s why Tony’s here.” Pepper stretched fresh sheets over the bed in the loft. “He needs to be somewhere  _safe_ regardless of which way the verdict swings. Even if everything goes well, he will be an emotional wreck for days.”

“He’s come along way from binge drinking and renting companions for the night to cope, hasn’t he?” Rhodey got the extra pillows from the closet. “I’m not complaining, but I kinda wish he’d just outgrown that with age, not because of all this trauma and time traveling bullshit.”

“Yeah.” Pepper peeked over the edge to check on Tony. “Tell me about it.”  

*****************

*****************

 **From Steve** :  _Why is #bringmyspangledsnackpackhome trending?_

 **From Tony** :  _I haven’t the foggiest idea._

“– _Hundreds of people have crowded into the lot in front of the UN building here in New York, most of them carrying signs, all of them shouting ‘Bring my Spangled Snack Pack home’ in a huge show of support for Tony Stark’s three month push to get Captain Rogers and the former Winter Soldier, Sergeant James Barnes pardoned and allowed back on American soil_ –”

“–  _with the capture and subsequent confession of Helmut Zemo, sordid details of the Nazi faction known as HYDRA that had grown within the government for decades have been opened to the public. Stories of torture, of human experimentation, of bastardized attempts at recreating the serum that turned skinny Steven Rogers into the icon Captain America have both shocked the world and brought forth a call to pull the older officials from office, the public deciding if these officials were too incompetent or too ignorant to notice these atrocities, how can we trust them with anything else_ –”

“–  _we are here live in the conference room on the top floor of the UN building in New York. Security has been nearly tripled for this moment, with so many high powered dignitaries gathered in one room, the fear of a repeat attack like that in Vienna is a very real thing._ –”

Tony hung Steve’s leather jacket upstairs in the loft closet and tucked Bucky’s backpack into a corner as well. The red notebook that Tony hadn’t been brave enough to open went on the shelf next to his work boots along with a stack of sketch pads and colored pencils.

The cushion for the window seat had come in yesterday and the loft was finally finished, the bed set perfectlyand the walls freshly stained, the comforter and sheets just waiting for someone– or  _three_ someone’s– to crawl in and fall asleep.

The new stair railing was sturdy enough to hold up even under a super soldier’s grip, the steps refinished and evened out so there would be no tripping or catching of toes. The fireplace had finished beautifully, missing stones carefully refitted and the driftwood mantle polished to a high shine and the green checkered upholstery on the recliners looked inviting against the warmer tones of the wooden furniture.

Shower was repaired, the tile freshly grouted and the sink hauled out and replaced with something more suitable for three grown men to be sharing the same bathroom. The kitchen was gorgeous with the brand new floor and matching counter tops and the kitchen table was perfectly sized for exactly three chairs.

The cabin was ready.

Tony picked up the photo strip from the mantle, careful not to disturb the ever present wild flowers that held them in place and flopped back into a chair.

The cabin was ready.

Tony wasn’t sure he was ready.

 **From Tony** : _I’m scared_.

“–  _After much thought and deliberation, after a careful weighing of facts and opinions on both sides of this matter_ –” JARVIS turned the volume up without being prompted. “– _this council has decided to allow Captain Steven Rogers and the former Sergeant James Barnes to return to American soil with no attempt to press charges for Captain Rogers blatant disregard for the proposed Accords_.–”

Tony dropped his head in his hands and forced out a deep breath.

“–  _With the stipulation that Sergeant Barnes attend therapy classes and when asked, will willingly submit to a debriefing by certain officials to ascertain as much information as available in an attempt to be aware of any growing threats against the nation or any of her allies_ –”

“Oh my god.” He scrubbed tears from his eyes. “Oh my god.”

His phone rang and Tony snatched it up without looking at the name, sure it was Pepper or Rhodey calling to tell him the good news. “I’m listening to the news!” he blurted. “I just heard!”

“Mr. Stark?” It wasn’t Pepper or Rhodey, or anyone Tony knew at all and he checked the number on the phone with a frown.

_The nursing home._

“…This is Tony Stark.”

“Mr. Stark, I’m afraid I have some bad news.”

************

************

“Stevie.” Bucky couldn’t take his eyes of the television. “Stevie? Did you hear? STEVE!”

“I heard, Buck.” Steve sounded odd, propped up against the door frame and staring down at his flip phone. “I heard. That’s real good.”

“You okay?” Bucky glanced over at him in confusion. “Thought you’d be happier. What’s going on, is that Tony texting you?”

“Yeah. Um–” Steve’s face was pale, the words unsteady. “We–We gotta go home, Buck.”

“I know, they just said we could.” Bucky motioned to the television. “They pardoned us. Willing to forget all this shit so long as we–”

“No I mean, we gotta go right now.  _Tonight_.”

“What’s wrong?” Bucky’s heart sank, something cold and  _awful_ wrapping through his chest. “Stevie?”

“It’s Peggy.” Steve’s voice cracked, the phone slipping from his fingers. “It’s Peggy, we’ve got to go home. Manhattan to get Tony and then over to see Peggy. Pack you stuff and let’s go.”

Steve left without another word and Bucky picked up the phone from the ground.

 **From Tony** : _Come home. Peggy’s fading fast._


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I uh… well. Maybe have some tissues handy. Our boys finally see each other again and then they see Peggy and then Winteriron feels…. yeah. Maybe tissues.

“There’s something we should talk about before we get back stateside.” **  
**

Steve hadn’t said a word for almost six hours, not since the jet had touched down on a dirt runway fifteen miles past city limits to pick them up. He and Bucky had boarded in silence and each taken a seat on the same side of the aircraft, tossing their bags in the other chairs and settling in for a long flight. Bucky had been acting off since they’d gotten word of Peggy, anxious and antsy and then shutting down bit by bit until he was barely meeting Steve’s gaze and hardly speaking at all, and it made Steve _nervous_.

He was nervous about what Bucky was thinking, nervous about seeing Tony again and seeing Peggy now that she was fading away and now he was  _tense_ over the conversation he had to have with Bucky, crossing his arms and tapping his feet and worrying at his bottom lip. It didn’t help that Bucky sat still through it all, hands clasped between his knees, expression shuttered and eyes averted.

_It didn’t help at all._

“I meant to tell you this before.” Steve finally said. “But I just– I just forgot, I guess. Or maybe I was putting it off? I don’t know. I’m so worried about Peggy and I’m worried about being on American soil again and I know we’re pardoned but I’m still worried about what they might want to do with you and I’m worried–”

“Stevie.” Bucky kicked him in the shin and Steve jumped, startled. “I know you’re in love with Tony.”

“…what?” If it wasn’t such an important moment, if they hadn’t have been flying back across the ocean to most likely say goodbye to Steve’s first love, the sheer  _paleness_ of his face might have actually been funny.

As it was, Bucky only shrugged, staring down at his hands as he repeated. “I know you’re in love with Tony.”

“Well shit. I um–” Steve started and stopped mid sentence another half dozen times before finally finishing, “How– how did you know?”

“You talk about him the same way you used’ta talk about Peggy.” Bucky wouldn’t look up and that was starting to be worrisome. “Your voice gets all soft and your smile gets all dumb. And every time that phone buzzed you lit up like Rockefeller Center at Christmas.”

“You remember Rockefeller at Christmas?” That was unexpected, a happy memory in the midst of an awkward conversation.

“Yeah. Yeah, I sure do.” Bucky was quiet again, weighing his words carefully before adding, “When you told me you didn’t look after Tony when I fell? You just seemed sad, but you didn’t seem  _guilty_ so I knew you’d done something to make up for it. I remember the war, Stevie. I remember how you looked at Tony. Wasn’t real hard to figure out you love him now, wasn’t real hard to figure out he loves you back. He called you a snack pack on national television.”

Steve grimaced. “He definitely did that, didn’t he? I’m sorry– I wanted to tell you– I thought we’d have more time to discuss it and then all this happened–”

“It’s fine.”

“Bucky, I didn’t set out to steal your fella. When Tony and I saw each other again after New York, neither of us knew you were still alive and if we had–”

“Stevie.” Bucky finally looked up and Steve was shocked silent by the blankness, the emptiness in the blue eyes. “It’s fine.”

Steve stared at him, and Bucky’s smile was  _awful_ , just a twist of his lips and a half shrug. “It’s fine. Some days I miss Tony. I miss him and I remember how it felt to love him and all I can think about is seeing him smile again and holding him close. Other days I don’t even know what those words mean. I don’t know if I can love anymore. Don’t know if what I feel for Tony is love or just a need to hang onto a happy memory. Don’t know if I know how to hold him anymore? It’s been seventy years and I’m not even the same person.”

“ _Jesus_ , Buck.”

“Sometimes I get jealous, thinkin’ that Tony’s my fella and not yours.” Bucky’s gaze shifted back out of the window. “Sometimes he texts me and calls me Brooklyn and I think he loves us both. And sometimes I wake up and don’t feel nothing at all. I’m a mess Stevie. Can’t expect Tony to put up with this, can’t expect him to overlook everything that’s happened. You’ve been with him for over a year and I’ve barely been  _myself_ for six months. It’s fine that you love him. S’good that he loves you back. You need each other, deserve each other.”

“We–” Steve wet his lips and tried again. “We love you  _too_ , Buck. You’re my best friend and Tony is– Tony loves you so much. You’ll see. We’ll get home and you’ll see. Tony will be so happy to see you and we’re going to be together again and we’ll finally be able to–”

“It’s fine.” Bucky’s eyes were still awful and blank. “I’m fine.”

Steve tried to say something,  _anything_ , but the words wouldn’t come.

Bucky sat back and let the silence grow heavy between them.

_My name is Bucky Barnes. My name is Brooklyn. Some days I don’t know how to be either of those people._

***********************

The jet touched down on a Manhattan runway after the sun had set and the engines had barely ceased before Steve had picked his bags up, unlocked the exit door and pushed the stairs down to the pavement.

Pepper and Tony were standing across the way, a car idling behind them and while Pepper raised a hand in a wave hello, Tony took of at a quick walk that evolved into a jog and then broke into a full out run, tossing his sunglasses uncaringly over his shoulder and making a beeline for Steve.

“Come here sweetheart, I’ve got you.” Steve dropped his bags and met Tony halfway there, lifting him off the ground into a bone crushing hug then cupping Tony’s face with both hands and swallowing Tony’s quiet sob with a long awaited nearly  _desperate_ kiss.

“Thank god you’re home.” Tony mumbled over another kiss. “Christ, I’m so glad you’re home.”

“I know.” Steve pushed their foreheads together, fit his palm to the back of Tony’s neck and closed his eyes tight, willing his breathing to slow and his heart to settle again. “I’ve missed you.  _Missed_ you.”

“I’m sorry you had to come back to this.” Tony bumped their noses together, stood on his toes and kissed Steve again. “I’m sorry this isn’t better circumstances. Sorry I couldn’t bring you home with balloons and a parade and all the other stuff your star spangled ass deserves. The Senate wants to officially welcome you back in a couple weeks and there’s a petition to give you a medal for your work taking out HYDRA within SHIELD. Sorry it has to be in the middle of night on a deserted runway with just me and Pepper.”

“Tony.” Steve finally got his breathing back under control and rubbed his thumb along Tony’s cheek, smiling down into those gorgeous brown eyes. “Honey. I don’t want balloons and a parade. I’m just happy to be back again. And as far as the circumstances–” A flicker of pain across Tony’s face and Steve hushed him gently. “We’ll figure it out together, just like we’ve done with everything else, you know?”

“Yeah.” Tony’s fingers tightened on Steve’s collar. “Is Bucky– I didn’t hear back from him when I texted last. Is he alright? Is he–?”

“Why don’t you ask him yourself?” Steve didn’t want to let go of Tony,  _dammit_ he didn’t want to let go of Tony, not now and not for at least a week, but he dropped one last kiss on Tony’s forehead, on his cheek, one last one lingering over Tony’s lips and eased away to push him lightly towards the plane. “Go on. He’s waiting right over there.” 

Bucky was still standing near the steps of the jet, his duffel set over his shoulder and jacket laid over his left arm to hide the gleam of silver fingers, which meant both his hands were full and unavailable for a hug or even a handshake or anything and it was entirely on purpose.

Bucky’s back was straight, jaw set, eyes the only thing showing any sort of uncertainty as they darted over Tony’s frame, over Tony’s face, cataloging his gait and the glow just barely visible from the center of his chest and the way Tony was–

_Oh god he’s smiling._

_I know that smile._

_I remember that smile._

“Heya Buck.” Tony stopped a few feet in front of Bucky and didn’t try to reach out to him, shoving his hands in his pockets to make it less awkward, and Bucky— Bucky appreciated the space. “I’m glad you made it.”

“Glad I made it to Manhattan?” Bucky asked, and what he  _hadn’t_ asked hung in the air as well–  _Or glad I made it away from being the Winter Soldier?_

“Glad you made it  _home_.” Tony corrected and there was that smile again, gentle and honest with not a bit of the censure Bucky had been so afraid to find, none of the judgment, none of the anger.

Just the smile that had haunted Bucky’s memories before he knew they were memories, had kept him awake at some nights and lured him to sleep others.

_I remember that smile._

“I’m glad I made it too.” he finally answered. “Um, sorry it took such a long time.”

“Don’t matter. All that time should just fall away now, right?” Tony’s smile dipped the tiniest bit, the corners of his mouth pulling down. “But all the same, I’d really love if it didn’t take us seventy years next time around, yeah? Next time you tell me you’ll see me soon, let’s make it like a few years instead of most of a century.”

“I–”

_“I love you, Tony.”  
_

_“I love you too.”_

_“I’ll see you soon, sweet thing.”_

“– yeah.”

“Yeah.” Tony repeated, then jerked his head towards the waiting car. “Come on, Brooklyn. We got places to be.”

_My name is Brooklyn._

Steve sent Bucky a measuring look over Tony’s head and Bucky nodded shortly that yes, he was fine, but he still looked away when Steve took Tony’s hand and pressed a kiss to his knuckles.

He was fine.

Didn’t mean this was easy.

****************

“You’re  _late_.” the nurse at the home frowned at Tony. “She’s nearly asleep.”

“I had important people to pick up.” Tony jerked a thumb over his shoulder towards Steve and Bucky. “And she’d be more pissed off if we didn’t come see her at all, than if we came late at night so don’t bother scolding me.” 

The nurse only sighed and pushed the guest book towards them to sign, then waved them towards Peggy’s room.

“I’ll go in first in case she’s–” for the first time all night Tony looked unsure of himself. “–in case she isn’t quite together, alright? She knows me both as Tony Stark and as Tony Carbonell and I pretty much look the same either way as so it won’t startle her.”

“Is her memory that bad?” Steve whispered, and Tony nodded, “Last time I saw her she was okay one minute and nearly lost the next. Just give me a little bit.”

Steve’s face crumpled and Bucky put a hand on his shoulder, holding him back and maybe even holding him  _up_ as Tony cracked the door to Peggy’s room and peeked inside.

“Auntie?”

“Anthony Edward Stark–” something hit the door and both Steve and Bucky jumped. “What in the  _hell_ do you think you’re doing, coming to see me so late? What if I was in my unmentionables? How is it that I raised you most of your life and you  _still_ have the manners of a neanderthal?!”

“Uh–” Tony looked back with a sheepish smile. “She’s fine. Come on in.”

Steve went first, brushing a kiss to Tony’s head as he passed and murmuring, “Hi Peggy.” as he stepped into the room. “How are you?”

“Well I’d be a good deal better if you weren’t out there being a star spangled idiot.” Peggy was  _cross_ , but her eyes were bright with tears and Steve muffled a curse when he slipped his arms around her waist and felt how frail she’d gotten. “But you’re back and safe now, so I suppose I can’t be too terribly angry at you anymore, give me a hug, darling.”

Steve held her as tight as he dared, bending far over the bed so Peggy wouldn’t have to sit up to far and carefully fluffing the pillows behind her head as he pulled away.

“I’m glad you’re home.” she patted at his cheek. “You and Sergeant Barnes both. Sergeant Barnes! Quit hovering at my door and trying to look scary, come and say hello.”

“Um–” Obviously thrown by the order but never one to disappoint a pretty lady, Bucky pushed his hair back from his face and stepped over to the bed. “Hi, Agent Carter, ma’am.”

“Oh look at you.” Peggy put a shaking hand to her mouth then reached for him, snapping her fingers until Bucky bent to give her a hug as well, his left arm held behind his back and carefully checking his strength so he didn’t hold her too tight with his other. “ _Look_ at you Bucky, I knew they’d find you. I always knew they would.” 

Peggy either hadn’t noticed – or more likely, simply didn’t care– that Bucky was trying to hide his arm and she plucked at his shirt sleeve until he relented and offered her his left hand. “Oh, this is shiny, isn’t it?” Peggy’s tears spilled over and down her cheeks as she clasped Bucky’s fingers between her own. “Are you hurt terribly, darling?”

“Doesn’t hurt much anymore.” Bucky’s eyes were soft, his posture nearly meek, shoulders hunched and voice quiet as he spoke with her. “Hurts less now that I’m home.”

“Well I always knew you’d come home.” Peggy tried to smile at him. “You can’t imagine what a mess these boys have been lately. Tony worked so hard to find you, cracking codes and hacking into cameras and breaking laws–”

Bucky shot a look towards Tony and he shrugged and winked.

“– and Steve searched and  _searched_ for you. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to shake the stubbornness right out of Tony as he was growing up and we all know our Captain has the determination of a bloody rhinoceros when he gets going and I’ve never been so happy for both of those character traits as I am right now. Sergeant Barnes, I’m so thrilled you’re back with us. All three of you boys back together again.”

“I’m– I’m happy too.” Bucky lay the gentlest kiss possible on Peggy’s cheek and behind him, Steve put a hand over his suddenly aching heart. “You’re as pretty as you’ve ever been, Ms. Peggy. Just beautiful.”

“And you’re as charming as you’ve ever been.” she returned dryly. “Charming and an outright liar, but I suppose I won’t hold it against you, seeing as how you’ve just come home and all. You need to shave, do you know? I don’t like all that scruff, and  _honestly_ , what is going on with your hair? It’s longer than mine!”

“It’s um–” Bucky touched his hair self consciously. “I suppose having my hair fixed hasn’t been a real priority lately. Sorry, ma’am. I’ll have it combed next time.”

“See that you do.” Peggy sniffed, but she squeezed at his hand again and motioned for Tony, offering her cheek for a kiss from him as well and stating, “I ought to pop you for coming by so late. Isn’t proper for you to see me in my night clothes.”

“Your night clothes are fancier than most people’s wedding gowns, Auntie.” Tony teased and she gasped in mock horror. “And I’m sorry for it being almost midnight but Bucky and Steve just barely got in. Blame them for it.”

“I think I will.” Peggy raised an eyebrow, and Steve’s laugh ended with a hitch because she was so weak, so small and yet still so  _her_ that it almost  _hurt_. “Now then. Since we’re all here I think we should take a picture, don’t you? I only have one picture of the four of us and it’s pushing seventy five years old now, I’d say we are due for another one.”

“I think a picture is a great idea.” Tony motioned for Steve to call for the nurse and fished his phone out of his pocket. “Do you want to be here in bed or do you want one of us to carry you to a chair–”

“You will  _not_ carry me when I’m in my night clothes!  _Honestly_!”

“–Yep. I don’t know what I was thinking.” Even Bucky grinned over Tony’s entirely chastised expression. “Definitely right here at the bed. Ever had three men on your bed, Auntie? You know what, I changed my mind, don’t answer that.”

“I’m old and nearly senile but I will still march right out that door and get me a switch from that tree, young man.” she warned and Tony smacked a loud kiss to her cheek over Steve’s laughter and then squeezed in closer to her side.

Steve sat on the other side, tucking a piece of hair behind Peggy’s ear and clasping her hand tight, and Bucky crowded in behind Steve because he wasn’t sure if he could handle being that close to Tony yet.

The nurse prompted them all to smile and Tony told her to just keep taking pictures, so the phone clicked and flashed as Peggy fussed about her hair and as Tony flicked Steve in the ear and as Bucky was startled into laughing out loud over Peggy’s rather bawdy comment about how Tony couldn’t  _handle_ hearing a story about the time she had three men in her bed and Steve’s startled, “Peggy!” and Tony’s wailed, “AUNTIE!” and Peggy clapped her hands in delight over the general chaos of the moment.

All in all they managed over three dozen photos before Peggy yawned and seemed to suddenly wilt with exhaustion and Tony took his phone back so they could call it an evening.

“You’ll come back and see me.” Peggy more demanded than she asked, holding tight to Steve’s hand and grabbing at Tony with the other one. “All three of you. Sergeant Barnes, you too? It’s been so long since we were all together and I don’t want to miss another chance.”

“We’ll come back tomorrow.” Tony assured her. “First thing in the morning after breakfast.”

“Promise me.” she whispered, and Steve  _promised_ , hugging her for a very long time. “Captain Rogers–”

“I’ll see you in the morning.” Steve promised again. “We’ll have time for a dance as the sun comes up, huh? You’ll be beautiful in the sunrise, Peggy.” 

“Oh stop that.” Peggy pushed him away with a watery smile. “I’m far too old for that romantic nonsense. Almost a hundred years old now.”

“So am I.” Steve countered, and brushed away a tear from her cheek. “But I’ll never be too old to dance with my best girl.”

Peggy’s hands were trembling now, and Tony tucked her in carefully. “Look at you boys.” she said tiredly. “All three of you given another chance to live and love together. Don’t waste this opportunity, hm? Take care of each other. It took so long to come back around, don’t let the time come between you. Don’t let it ruin you, don’t let it drag you apart.”

“Sergeant Barnes.” Bucky looked up when Peggy called for him. “Welcome home, love. We’ve all missed you.”

“M’glad to be home, ma’am.” Bucky murmured as Peggy’s eyes started to droop. “Real glad to be home.”

********************

The nurse was left with directions to call Tony immediately if anything changed, if Peggy took a turn for the worse, if she suddenly got better, just to call if anything did anything at all. She had been animated and laughing as they took pictures but her skin had been pale, her touch weak and Tony folded his arms tight to his chest as the car took them towards the Tower, staring out the window into the dark and trying hard not to cry.

Steve wasn’t doing much better, his knee firmly wedged against Tony’s and his face in his hands and Bucky sat on the other side of the bench seat, watching them both and not really knowing how to do– how to  _say_ anything.

Tony didn’t turn away from the window until they were pulling up to the front of the Tower and then he only spoke to ask Steve, “I set Bucky up a room next to yours, can you show him around?”

“I’ll take care of it.” Steve said hoarsely, and Tony nodded, disappearing into the Tower at a near run. “C’mon Buck let’s– let’s get to our rooms.”

“Are you okay?” Bucky asked, gathering the bags from the back of the car and following Steve up the steps. “Is he okay? Sure seemed shaken up, are he and Peggy–? How does he know Peggy besides from the war?”

“Uh– I guess you don’t know this.” Each step Steve took seemed like it weighed a thousand pounds, felt like he was moving through molasses as he trudged down the hall to the elevator. “But Peggy was um– she was  _Aunt_ Peggy to Tony when he grew up. She stayed friends with Howard and was there when Tony was born and–” he shook his head. “It’s confusing as hell, this whole time traveling mess, but she’s known Tony his entire life and she’s the only one besides me that knows about him being in the forties and– and–”

Steve pressed the button for his floor, thunking his head against the cool walls of the elevator. “Can we talk about all that in the morning, Buck? I’m not doing real well right now.”

“Sorry Stevie.” Bucky muttered, and he meant it.

He was sorry Stevie was so close to losing Peggy and he was sorry that Tony was so sad and he was sorry that he wasn’t  _him_ enough to know what to say to either of them.

“I’m sorry that the first night you’re back home is something like this.” The doors slid open and Steve motioned for Bucky to step out first. “Kitchen’s down a floor and there’s stairs if you don’t want to deal with the elevator. JARVIS is Tony’s AI–”

“AI?”

“Um– like his robot butler. It’s– well that’s something else we can explain in the morning.” Steve unlocked his bedroom door and tossed his bag inside then continued down the hall to the next bedroom that would be Bucky’s. “Voice from the ceiling, controls the whole tower, just talk to him if you need anything. It’s weird but you’ll get used to it. Bathroom is there–” a motion towards the en suite. “– I’ve taken hour long showers and haven’t run out of hot water, so don’t worry about that sort of thing. Um, look’s like Tony’s piled you up with blankets and the shade are probably automatic so they’ll come up at a set time and–”

“Stevie.” Bucky waited for Steve to take a breath and then cut him off. “I’ll figure it out.”

“I’m sorry.” Steve blew out a deep breath and shook his head. “I’m sorry, Buck. This isn’t how I imagined bringing you home would be, not at all. I need a shower and a good night’s sleep and maybe tomorrow–”

“Yeah.” Bucky cut him off again. “I’ll figure it out, don’t worry about me.”

“Do you remember when we were kids and I used to tell you not to worry about me?” Steve cocked his head and raised his eyebrows. “Remember that? What did you always say?”

“That you attracted too much stupid for me not to worry.” Bucky said automatically, smiling because that was an easy memory, one that took no work at all. “And you got all pissy and said maybe  _I_  attracted the stupid cos I spent so much time fussin’ at you.”

“Yeah.” Steve chuckled. “Yeah, exactly that.”

“You saying I attract too much stupid these days and you gotta worry?” 

“I’m saying whatever you think I’m saying.” Steve closed the distance between them and wrapped Bucky in a tight hug. “I’ll see you in the morning, yeah?”

“Yep.” Bucky waited until Steve closed the bedroom door before glancing up at the ceiling hesitantly and asking, “—hello?”

“ _Welcome home, Sergeant Barnes_.” a voice replied smoothly and it took most of Bucky’s self control not to jump. “ _Is everything in your room to your liking_?”

“Everything’s fine.” Bucky waited a beat. “Could you tell me where Tony is?”

“ _Mr. Stark is down in his lab. You can take the stairs all the way down, or the elevator if you wish_.”

“Thank you.” Bucky waited again. “Um–”

“ _Sergeant Barnes, there are exactly four people allowed in Mr. Stark’s lab at any time of day or night, regardless of his current mood and that list includes Colonel Rhodes, Ms. Potts, Captain Rogers and yourself. Now would you like to take the stairs or would you like me to run the elevator for you?”_

“… I’ll take the stairs.”

It was _a lot_  of stairs from their floor down to the lab but the journey gave Bucky time to think, time to process what had happened at Peggy’s place, time to try and figure out what the hell he was going to say to Tony when he saw him.

It had been seventy years, after all. Seventy years since they’d spent the night together at the fair and seventy years since Bucky had said ‘See you soon, sweet thing’ and seventy years since Bucky had known exactly what he’d wanted from Tony, what he’d wanted from  _life_.

That one night in December 1991 didn’t count, and neither did those few minutes of ‘Who the hell is Bucky’ on the bridge and neither did the very few seconds in the building after he’d been activated by Zemo and  _god_ Siberia–

Bucky’s stomach twisted. 

Siberia didn’t count either.

So it had been seventy years and now he was halfway down the stairs and had no idea what he going to say or what he’d thought he was going to say when he’d asked the person in the ceiling where Tony was.

_What could he say?_

What could Bucky  _possibly_ say to Tony that would mean anything now that he and Stevie were finally home and Peggy was passing away and everything was different between them? Now that Tony and Steve kissed and held hands and Bucky wore gloves over his fingers so he wouldn’t have to see the silver on one and the scars from years of  ~~torture~~ training on the other. Now that Tony was older and still somehow as gorgeous as he’d ever been, his smile the same and eyes that warm whiskey brown that made Bucky’s heart do flip flops in his chest.

But he couldn’t say that. He couldn’t walk into whatever  _the lab_  was and tell Tony that his smile was beautiful, that was terrible and inappropriate and ill timed and he certainly couldn’t tell Tony that he still loved him because some days Bucky didn’t know what that meant anymore and he couldn’t tell Tony that–

“Heya Brooklyn.”

Bucky stopped in his tracks when he realized he’d arrived in the lab, too lost in his thoughts to even register leaving the stairs and the door swishing open in front of him and now Tony was smiling over at him, eyebrows raised expectantly.

“Everything okay?” Tony pressed when Bucky didn’t answer. “Did JARVIS freak you out? Steve had a hard time adjusting too. Is your room okay? I know your favorite color is red but that seemed sort of intense for the bed spread so I thought–”

“You remember my favorite color is red?” That– that was the wrong thing to say, Bucky shouldn’t have said it, but he didn’t know what  _else_ to say either. “You remember that?”

“I remember…” Tony spread his hands vaguely. “…everything. I remember everything, Buck.”

“But it was such a long time ago.” Bucky said lamely, and that was probably the wrong thing to say too but he couldn’t help it. “How do you remember it all?”

“You want to have a whole conversation about time travel and time lapses and how it’s technically been seventy one years and four months but really it’s only a year and six months and two weeks right now?” Tony grinned and Bucky shrugged uncomfortably. “We should save that for the daylight hours, huh?”

“Yeah. Maybe. You’re right. I’m going to just–” Bucky turned back towards the door. “Good night.”

“Bucky.” Tony stood up, reached a hand towards him and then Bucky couldn’t have left if he’d wanted to, not when Tony was  _reaching_ for him. “Why’d you come down?”

“I don’t actually know.” Bucky admitted. “I wanted to see you, I guess. Now it just feels stupid so I’m gonna go.”

“No.” Tony took another step towards him. “No no, please don’t go. I’m glad you came down. With everything going on, this isn’t really the reunion I imagined and I’m sorry for that. I had a whole thing planned and a speech and I was going to cook you dinner and all that sort of thing– by the way? Peggy said you should shave but I don’t think you should. I think the beard is sexy as hell. Didn’t realize I was weak for beards but um–”

Tony coughed when Bucky only  _looked_ at him. “Yep. I’m doing that thing I do where I start talking a lot when I’m nervous. Steve usually calls me out on it, or Pepper. You’ll love her. I know you didn’t talk to her when we were driving to Peggy’s and she most likely went to Rhodey’s afterwards. They keep saying they’re not dating, but hey, no one sleeps over at a guys apartment that often unless they’re dating and–”

“You’re doing it again.” Bucky said softly and Tony stopped mid breath, obviously flustered and so  _familiar_ that it made Bucky’s heart hurt and his head spin.

“Um, sorry.”

“S’alright.” Bucky glanced around the lab, at the equipment he wouldn’t even begin to guess how to name, at the shiny tables and expensive looking floor, at the well worn couch in the corner and the boxes of snacks and water bottles stacked by a wall. “You spend a lot of time here? Steve told me you’re smarter than–”

“You used to tell me that when the war was over, we wouldn’t have anything between us.” Tony blurted and Bucky’s mouth clicked shut. “You used to say it when we were– when we were together. That you wouldn’t be a soldier forever, that right now there was time and distance between us and we had to hide and all that sort of thing, but once the war was over, all that time would fall away and there wouldn’t be anything left. It’d just be  _us_.”

Bucky didn’t answer, his eyes wide and almost panicky and Tony’s next breath was shaky. “Buck, that’s– that’s right now _,_ alright? I know things are– are weird. And you just got pardoned but there’s still a lot of stuff people might want you to answer for and we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. And tonight– god, I had so many different plans for the first night I got to see you again. This isn’t how I imagined it going at all. But the point is–”

Tony picked up a wrench just so he had something to fiddle with, turning it over and over in his hands. “The point is, that time that you used to talk about? It’s right now. There’s no time between us, or no time that matters anyway. And there’s no distance, none at all. My bedroom is a floor above yours. We’re right here,  _I’m_  right here and we have all the time in the world to figure this thing out. If that’s what you want.”

_If that’s what you want._

“And if it’s  _not_ what you want.” The words sounded painful, like Tony could barely get them out. “I mean, after Afghanistan I couldn’t hardly be around people in general, much less someone who wanted something romantic from me. And after New York–” he blew out a deep breath. “Wow, after New York and after falling and after  _you_ , I couldn’t sleep in a bed next to Pepper, couldn’t even lay next to her. I get it. I get not wanting anything at all, or not being able to imagine ever  _wanting_ anything like that ever again. I get it. I understand.”

He was quiet for a moment, rolling the wrench between his palms and Bucky waited and watched, wishing he was brave enough to say something, to say anything, or even just brave enough to reach out and  _hold_.

“Peggy told me once that time stands still when you love someone.” Tony finally finished. “And that’s what it feels like. No time between you kissing me in the alley there at the fair and us standing here right now. No time, no distance, I’m here in whatever capacity you– you need me.” and softer “or want me. I’m here. We made it back together again, all three of us did and somehow we’re going to figure this all out.”

“Tony–”

“And one day–” Tony rushed on like he thought Bucky would cut him off. “One day when you’re ready or when you are feeling more settled or whatever, I’ve got something I’d like to show you. We’ll have to travel to get there, but I– I want you to see it. When you’re ready.”

Bucky was moving before he could help himself, crossing the few yards between them and stepping right into Tony’s space and letting the fingers of his right hand brush barely there at Tony’s jaw.

“B-Bucky?”

“I’ve missed you.” he whispered and that was  _true_ , it was  _real_ , and Bucky knew it as sure as he knew his own name. He didn’t know if he remembered how to love, he didn’t know if he would ever trust himself to hold Tony again and he didn’t know if he’d wake up tomorrow feel anything at all, but he knew  _this_.

“I’ve missed you.” he said again and his voice caught, his breath hitching and Tony’s eyes fell shut. “It’s been a real long time and I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too, Brooklyn.” Tony whispered back. “Welcome home.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And here we say good-bye to Peggy. I like to think I gave her a proper send off, sweet and respectful with no one feeling like they’ve been left behind, and the chapter ends on a note of hope for our three boys. Still, tissues. Lots of them. 
> 
> Also, I know most comments after this will be *sobs* or teary emojjis, but I worked really REALLY hard on this chapter and there are some really beautiful moments/lines so I’d love to hear what you thought of those.

The call came at 5:19 am. **  
**

Tony knocked on Steve’s door first.

“Tony?” Steve rubbed at his eyes in confusion. “Sweetheart what time is it?” he glanced over at the clock, then back at Tony. “Oh no, did you work all night? I meant to come down and get you after my shower but I just passed out. God I hope you weren’t up waiting for me baby, I’m so–”

“Steve.” Tony held his phone up in a shaking hand, eyes already bright with tears. “Steve, we gotta– um, they called–” the words were barely audible. “The home? We gotta go see her before– before she–”

 _Oh_.

 _Oh no_.

“Oh no.” Steve reached for him but Tony took a few steps away, his hands raised as if to ward Steve off. “Oh honey please don’t pull away. Come here.”

“If I stop?” Tony took another step away. “If I stop, I won’t be able to keep going and if I let you hold me, I think I might collapse and I can’t do that right now. I can’t collapse right now. We’ve gotta go, we’ve gotta go.  _Please_.”

“Alright.” Steve kept his voice soft and steady, pushing through the  _panic_ at seeing Tony nearly on the edge of falling to pieces. “Okay. I’m going to get dressed and I’m going to get Bucky. We’ll be downstairs at the car in less than ten minutes. Less than ten minutes and then we can go.”  

Tony couldn’t even manage a response, only nodded jerkily and all but ran for the stairs, so Steve ducked back into his room to throw on jeans and a long sleeve shirt, rummaging for his boots and getting them tied.

At the last minute, Steve dug through the shoe box at the top of his closet, moved aside his old dog tags and a couple posters from his USO days, tossed a few of the souvenirs he’d kept from touring with the Commandos until he found the pocket watch at the very bottom, the one with Peggy’s picture inside.

He had stopped carrying it after waking up from the ice, after seeing Peggy and knowing that their time together was past, that she had moved on and loved and lived her life with a smile on her face. He’d put it away with the same fond smile he put away his USO posters, the ache in his chest over  _lost chances_  tempered by Tony’s understanding smile and long hugs.

And now he was holding it for the first time in over a year and the old fashioned piece was weighted in his hands, burned in his palm as he wound the chain through his fingers and Steve allowed himself just a minute, just a moment to close his eyes and cover his mouth and sob.

 _He was so tired of having to say good-bye._  

“Stevie.” Bucky spoke from the door and Steve straightened up, clearing his throat and wiping his eyes. “M’sorry, but we gotta go. You told Tony ten minutes and it’s almost ten minutes. We gotta go.” 

“Sorry.” Steve cleared his throat again and sniffed loudly. “You uh– you heard us talking? Sorry about that, I was going to come wake you up.”

“Walls aren’t that thick.” Bucky said non committedly, noticing but not commenting on the redness in Steve’s eyes, the pocket watch in his hand. “My hearing is a lot better than it used to be. And I didn’t sleep last night so I was already awake when Tony knocked on your door. Is he okay?” 

“He’s um– .” Steve sniffed again, shrugging into his jacket. “Well he’s– he’s doing about as good as I am. I’m sorry you didn’t sleep, Buck. We can figure out if it’s your bed or maybe it’s the pillows or–” 

“ _Stevie_.” Bucky inclined his head towards the door. “Got more important things to worry about than whether or not my bed’s comfortable. Come on.”

“Right.” Steve gripped the watch tight. “More important things.”

*****************

Peggy knew Tony when he knocked on the door to her room which was a relief all in its own, then she fussed at him for obviously not having slept the night before, pushing unruly hair back off his forehead and clucking her tongue at the dark circles under his eyes. 

Tony smiled at her fussing, held her hand tight, probably too tight, and put his head down on her stomach and Peggy petted through his hair, whispering, “Oh darling, don’t cry.”

Bucky got scolded for not having his hair cut yet, Peggy announcing that she didn’t  _care_ that he’d only been home for ten hours, he needed to be presentable. Bucky reached for her other hand with his silver one, twining their fingers and there was no heat in the words when Peggy said, “And again with the beard. Now that you’re home, you should be showing off that gorgeous face not hiding like a hobo.” 

“Sorry, ma’am.” Bucky murmured, giving her a quick wink and Peggy mustered the energy for an eye roll. “Wouldn’t want to deprive you of my gorgeous face, huh?” 

“Come here then.” Peggy motioned Bucky down and kissed him on the forehead, chuckling quietly at his surprise. “How is it that you’re a super soldier, look this fierce and have a beard that terrible and yet a kiss from a little old lady frightens you.  _Honestly_.” 

Bucky smiled down at her, pressing at her fingers very  _very_ lightly and when she tugged him down again to whisper in his ear, his eyes widened over what she said.

“Promise me.” she demanded and Bucky nodded, “I promise.”

He let her go, backing away to give she and Tony space and posting up at the wall next to Steve, wedging their shoulders together when he felt the tremble going through the blondes body. 

“Come up here, sweetheart.” Peggy patted at Tony until he lifted his head. “Don’t cry now, I’m fine. I’m fine and you’re fine.” 

“I am not fine.” Tony whispered and Peggy shook her head, telling him, “You know, I always worried about the day I’d leave you alone. I worried you’d be lost out here with no one you loved to hold you tight, but that’s not true now, is it? I don’t have to worry anymore because you aren’t alone anymore. You’ll be fine.” 

“I’m tired of saying goodbye to people I love.” Tony said then, and Steve made a sort of wounded noise, tucking his chin to his chest and breathing out shakily. “I thought I was done with that when I got Steve and Bucky back, but now–” 

“Hush.” Peggy soothed him. “Hush, sweetheart, everything will be alright. Give me a moment alone with Captain Rogers before I get too tired.” 

“Auntie,  _no_ –” Tony started to shake his head, to refuse to leave her sid, but then he looked over at Steve who had yet to move from the door, who had his arms crossed and his jaw set and was trying so hard to be strong while being so close to  _breaking_ and he nodded. “Alright. Alright.”

“Give me a kiss and say goodbye.” She said then, as brave as ever, her chin tilted up and eyes sharp and Tony grabbed her up tight, mashing a kiss to her hair, to her cheek and clinging to her for a long minute. “You’ll be alright, Tony. I love you so much.”

““I love you, Peggy.” Tony said hoarsely. “ _Auntie_. I love you.”

“I know you do.” Peggy’s smile held just a shadow of it’s usual brilliance, but she smiled anyway. “And I love you too. I loved you the very first time I held you and I’ll always be grateful that time fell away to give us more together, that we somehow managed to know each other twice in one life. As family and as friends.”

“Peggy–”

“Go on now.” she pushed at him lightly as tears started gathering in her eyes. “It isn’t polite to make a lady cry, I raised you better than that.”

“You did.” Tony laughed brokenly. “You did raise me better than that. Okay. I’ll give you a minute, I’ll give you a minute. I’ll be right out there, okay? I’ll just be right out there.”

“Bye, darling.” Peggy whispered and once the door had closed behind Tony and Bucky, she fell back into the pillows in exhaustion, held out her hand for Steve. “You’ll come here, won’t you love?”

Outside in the hall Bucky stood and waited, watching the clock and watching Tony who sat on the bench just a few yards away, staring blankly down at his phone, scrolling endlessly through different apps and not seeing anything at all. 

“Tony.” It took a ridiculous amount of courage for Bucky to cross just the few steps and sit next to Tony and even more courage for him to slide close enough so their knees bumped. He hated that it was so difficult, this was  _Tony_ and once Bucky hadn’t been afraid to just grab him and kiss him but now– now just sitting close made him nervous? 

 _Jesus_. 

“Tony.” Bucky wet his lips and tried again. “Listen, um–” 

“We don’t know that this is goodbye.” Tony interrupted. “We don’t know that. So I appreciate you trying to make me feel better and please don’t move because it’s really nice just to sit by you, but we don’t know that she’s gone so maybe just– maybe we don’t say anything yet. Please don’t say anything yet.” 

“Okay.” 

It was a lie of course, they both knew this was goodbye, but if Tony couldn’t face it yet then Bucky wouldn’t bring it up. 

But when Steve opened the door half an hour later, Bucky  _knew_ , and Tony looked up and  _knew_ and Steve was the one to break first, stumbling back into the wall and sliding down to the floor to hide his face in his hands.

Tony was next, running into the room ahead of the nurse and choking out something heart breaking and  _awful_ and Bucky caught a glimpse of him on his knees by the bed before the door shut again.

“I’m sorry.” he whispered, because he didn’t know what else to say. “Stevie, m’so sorry.”

Steve started to cry then, the noise echoed from behind the closed door by Tony.

“I’m so sorry.”

******************

******************

Tony didn’t leave the lab once in the three days between saying  _goodbye_ and the funeral, insisting that he had too many things to figure out for Peggy’s service, too many checks to write to make sure everything was perfect, too many flowers to order and people to call–

Neither Steve nor Bucky had argued with him though Tony had said it all from behind those damnable sunglasses that did nothing to disguise the pain in his voice and the tears on his face.

JARVIS went into full lock down mode almost immediately, neither the doors to the lab opening nor the elevator even reaching that floor no matter how loudly and how often Steve asked.

Pepper and Colonel Rhodes arrived early the next morning, the Colonel running down the stairs and pounding on the lab doors until Tony finally opened them, and Bucky didn’t know if he was impressed that the man called  _Rhodey_ had enough influence to do that sort of thing, or if he was a little bit jealous– was he jealous? That was an odd feeling– at the way Tony grabbed tight to Rhodey and didn’t let go for a long time.

Pepper Potts was beautiful and intimidating and  _wonderful_ and she took over the service arrangements immediately, hugging Steve tight and hugging Bucky without even pausing her conversation on the phone with a flower shop, kicking off her high heels and digging through the fridge in just her stocking feet to start dinner.

She reminded Bucky of Peggy back in the war, perfectly dressed, perfectly well spoken, nearly scary in her focus, and yet she melted when she finally got to see Tony, wrapping him in a hug before handing him a plate of food and leaving he and Rhodey in peace in the lab.

“Tony’s never been the best at coping.” She informed Bucky while texting a caterer. “But ever since New York he’s gotten better at it and with everyone here to support him, he’s going to be alright. Are  _you_ going to be alright?”

“I wasn’t–” Bucky coughed awkwardly. “I wasn’t all that close to Agent Carter. She was Stevie’s girl and my commanding officer and I–we were friends but I’m doing better than Steve and Tony.” 

“I wasn’t talking about that.” Pepper corrected, her green eyes studying him closely. “Are  _you_ going to be alright? We worked very hard to get you home but living in the Tower is an adjustment for anyone, much less someone who’s been through what you have. If there’s something you need to make this easier– therapy, a white noise machine so you can sleep, even if you need a place of your own?

“Oh.” Bucky blinked at her in shock. “Um, no ma’am. No ma’am I’m– I’m fine.”

“Oh, I don’t think any of us are fine.” The words were blase but Bucky saw the pain flit across Pepper’s face. “Especially not right now. But if you can think of anything you need, don’t hesitate to let me know. You can also tell JARVIS and he can communicate with me, especially if Tony–” she sighed. “If Tony needs more time to settle and can’t be present with you like he wants to be. You let myself or JARVIS know and I’ll make it happen. Tony was very adamant that regardless of who you were when Captain Rogers found you, we would do everything we could to help you, and things are a mess right now, but the offer still stands.”

“….regardless of who I was?” Bucky repeated. “What does that mean?” 

“It means that we didn’t know if you’d still be the Winter Soldier when Steve found you.” Pepper clarified quietly. “But Tony said whether you were the Soldier or you were Bucky, he wanted you home and getting help either way.”

“…He said that?”

“I don’t know why you’re so surprised, Sergeant Barnes, Tony loves you very much.” Pepper finished up the messages and put her phone away. “Now then, I’ve got to get to the church. I know Captain Rogers is spending a lot of time in his room right now, will you tell him to please call me if you see him, and if Rhodey comes upstairs at all remind him that Peggy’s grand niece is flying in tonight and we need to pick her up. I texted both of them, but please tell them anyway.”

“Yes ma’am.”

_Tony wanted to help me whether I was the Winter Soldier or not._

_Tony loves me very much._

“I’m glad you’re home, Bucky.” Pepper said suddenly, pausing on her way out the door. “This wasn’t the home coming we were planning for, but I think we should appreciate the miracle that we got a home coming at all.”

******************

******************

The service was held in an old church downtown, one with high arching ceilings and a pipe organ in the balcony and a garden outside that was too bright and too beautiful to be the backdrop to such a somber day.

The sanctuary was full, with people even crowding in along the back pews, attended by everyone from Peggy’s neighbors and the staff from the home to officers that earned their ranks under Peggy’s tutelage. There were senators and congress members that knew her from the time she spent on Capitol Hill rallying for more rights for women in the military, better living conditions for the soldiers on base and over seas. Several dignitaries from England and even two or three from Germany had made the international flight come to pay their respects to the woman that had quite literally changed the course of history with her work within SHIELD

Peggy didn’t have much family left, but Tony and Pepper had arranged to have everyone available flown into the city and they lined the pews wearing all black, sniffling into their handkerchiefs and hugging each other tight when Steve and Bucky and the others carried Peggy’s casket down the aisle.

Sharon Carter took the podium to speak first, fondly remembering her great Auntie teaching her to shoot, buying her a thigh holster, doling out advice and reminding here that when Sharon knew something was right, she was to plant herself like a tree and  _demand the world move_.

Tony spoke next, as put together as he’d ever been in a perfectly tailored suit and boldly colored tie, his hair styled carefully and goatee trimmed. He delivered the speech with perfect enunciation, head up and eyes steady, smiling at the appropriate parts, throwing in a joke or two because that’s what people expected from a speech by Tony Stark.

He spoke about Peggy’s work with Howard, about growing up knowing her as Aunt Peggy and how she’d been there for him through the hardest parts of life, how he was almost guaranteed to be reckless again now that she wasn’t here to keep him on the straight and narrow. 

Everyone chuckled at that–  _Tony Stark being reckless? Old news._  

Based on the speech, no one would have thought Tony hadn’t slept in almost sixty hours, or that he was wearing make up to disguise the fatigue or that his eyes had been red-rimmed until just a few hours previous when Pepper had given him eye drops.

No one knew that Tony was only a few minutes from breaking down completely, just like no one knew that Steve was holding on to the watch so tightly the edges were cutting into his palm and leaving blood on the inside of his pockets and just like no one knew that Bucky was completely lost, torn between wanting to scoop Tony into his arms and carry him away to safety and wanting to hustle Steve out the door like he’d done when they were kids, drag him away by the collar and force him to talk, to let some of the anger out before it ate him up from the inside out.

But Bucky didn’t do either of those things.

Instead, after the service was over, after they had gone to the cemetery and put roses and lilies on the casket, after Steve had unfolded a fading photo of a young Peggy Carter, a Captain and Sergeant and a kid with slicked back hair and a cheesy grin and placed it on top of the flowers, after the priest had said the prayer and everyone had said  _amen_ and started to wander away–

After all that, when it was just Tony and Steve and Bucky left staring down at a mound of dirt that seemed too innocuous to cause so many tears and the sun had started to set and the air to cool–

After all that, Bucky went and sat next to Steve on the ground, budging close until their shoulders bumped and their knees knocked and Steve reached for his hand automatically, crushing it in a grip that would have broken anyone else’s bones, but Bucky only squeezed back just as tight.

_I’m here, Stevie. I’m here._

“Bucky.” Steve said hoarsely. “Buck, I–”

“You know the rules.” Bucky said then, and it was probably the wrong thing to say, but he said it anyway. “Sam as they’ve always been. All you gotta do is shine my shoes and I’ll throw the couch cushions down and you can sleep on my floor.”

There was a beat of silence and then– “You and your stupid shoes.” Steve breathed a laugh, digging the heel of his dress shoes into the soft ground. “I’d rather go it alone than have to shine your gross shoes.”

“You don’t gotta go it alone, though.” Bucky reminded him–  _god_ , how many years had it been since he’d said those words for the first time? “I’m here Stevie. With you to the end of the line. Just like we always said.” 

“I know.” Steve nodded woodenly, and if it was possible, held Bucky’s hand even tighter. “I know you are. Thank you.” 

And after a few more minutes, “She was the only girl I ever loved, Buck.”

“That ain’t true.” Bucky denied, pulling up memories and moments from way back when to try and make Steve smile again. “Your dumb ass fell in love with every girl that ever looked at you twice. Peggy was just the first one that didn’t slap you for trying to get frisky.”

“Well that’s not true at all.” Tony stepped away from the burial site with his hands in his pockets, dropping down onto the grass next to Steve and forcing out a deep breath. “During his USO days, no one  _ever_ slapped him for trying to get frisky. Not when the Star Spangled Man with a Plan wore glitterati tights and short shorts.” 

 _That_ certainly startled a laugh out of Steve. “You guys aren’t really helping things by reminding me of that shit.” 

“I dunno.” Tony loosened his tie and tossed it away, dragging his fingers through his hair and disrupting the careful style. “I feel like Auntie would have completely approved of that comment.”

They sat in silence for a few more minutes and watched the sun set, Bucky and Steve holding hands, Tony leaning into Steve’s shoulder.

“The first time I saw Peggy was right after Steve got called back at Camp Lehigh.” Tony said into the quiet. “I remember she walked in the room and every single head snapped around to stare and I thought ‘holy shit, that’s my auntie. I  _definitely_ can’t think she’s hot, I  _definitely_ cannot look at her butt.’”

Steve  _ugh_ -ed and Bucky grinned and Tony continued, “I went up to help her with a box and she looked me over and in the least impressed voice I’ve ever heard basically asked me why the hell I was dressed so  _fancy_. She had a saying, about a man’s first set of armor being his clothing and she asked me what battle I was geared up for to be dressed like that.”

“What’d you say back?” Steve asked and Tony snorted, “I told her I was trying to be ready for whatever life brings me. Thought it was clever, don’t think she did but it got me a job hanging out around the camp so it all worked out.”

“She used to stop me in the hall and straighten my tie.” Bucky spoke up next. “Told me no one wanted a sloppy lookin’ gent and if I was trying to impress someone half as fancy as Mr. Carbonell I’d have to try harder than when I was trying to catch a dame’s eye.”

“That’s why your uniform always looked so spiffy?” Tony craned his neck to see Bucky. “You always looked perfect when I saw you.” 

“The  _only_ reason why.” Bucky emphasized. “Sometimes she’d pop up with my hat. Dunno when I lost my hat, but she always had it.” 

Tony’s phone buzzed, a message from Pepper checking on him and Tony texted her back before putting it on silent so nothing would disturb them for a little while longer.

“Her memory slipped away after you guys left.” Steve was the first to speak this time, tears clogging the words. “Think maybe seeing Tony kept her in the present but once it was just me– I look the same, you know? Look the same as I used to, and I guess I did that on purpose, wore my old jacket and the color blue she likes. Wanted her to recognize me.”

Steve sighed. “She uh– she asked me to keep an eye out for Mr. Carbonell because a man that dressed that fancy couldn’t  _possibly_ have a lick of sense. And she told me to look after Sergeant Barnes because loving the way he does is difficult, that it’s something not everyone understands and she’d hate to see the world tear you two apart.”

“She wasn’t wrong.” Bucky whispered and Tony nodded in agreement, “Not wrong about either of those points.”

“And then she told me to leave.” Steve’s laugh was nearly painful. “Because what would people think about a man coming out of her rooms at that hour. Even if everyone knew we were sweet on each other, she still has a reputation to protect and she wouldn’t let me sully it simply because I was feeling amorous.”

“And um– I asked her if I could stay for just a little longer, asked if she was tired and maybe I could just stay till she fell asleep.” He was crying again and Tony pressed as close as he could. “She said I could stay as long as I just held her hand, if I just just held her hand then she’d allow it so I sat there at her side and held her hand and she just– she just fell asleep. Told me she loved me and fell asleep and I–I stayed there until I knew for sure.”

“I’m glad you were there.” Tony sounded like he was crying too and Bucky did what he’d felt like he should do all day and reached for Tony’s hand. He had to rearrange Steve so their other hands were clasped, but then he slid his free one behind Steve’s back until he could reach Tony’s fingertips on the other side. “Steve you– you were strong for her. I couldn’t be. It would have broke me to have to say goodbye to Agent Carter and not my Auntie. Would have killed me if she didn’t know  _me_ right there at the end.” 

His fingers twitched, shifted, and moved to rest on top of Bucky’s hand and Bucky turned his palm over so he could hold them just lightly, just  _barely_ , releasing a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding at Tony not rejecting him.

“Well one thing’s for sure. Peggy would yell at both of you for sitting here getting cold.” Bucky decided. “She didn’t have much time for us being foolish, you know?” 

“Yeah.” Tony agreed. “She’d tell us that catching our death of cold while mourning her would be absolutely moronic. She always hated that in romantic comedies, someone professing their love in the rain and she’d roll her eyes and say ‘it isn’t romantic when he dies of  _pneumonia_ , is it? Absolutely moronic.”

“Sounds just like Peggy.” Steve was tired, worn out really, his whole frame slumped as if he just didn’t have the energy to sit straight anymore. “And she’s right. It’s getting cold and we should go.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.”

Another moment and Tony whispered, “But maybe we can just sit here for a few more minutes?”

So that’s what they did, hands entwined and leaning on each other and talking quietly until the sun had gone down and the moon was starting to climb the sky, sharing stories and sometimes laughing but more often than not, wiping tears away.

Finally Bucky stood to his feet, helping first Steve and then Tony up. “Come on, I’m starting to get cold so I know you two are too. Let’s go.” 

“What did she say to you?” Tony asked Bucky as they headed for the car. “When we said– before she–” he cleared his throat and Steve hugged him to his side. “Buck, what did she say?”

“She said–” Bucky hesitated, looking over at Steve’s haggard expression, down into Tony’s eyes, and changed his mind. “You know what, we got all sorts of time to talk about that later. For right now, let’s just go home.” 

“I think that’s a good idea.” Steve rested his hand on Bucky’s shoulder for a minute before sliding into the back seat. “Thanks Buck.” 

“For what?” 

Steve shrugged, his smile tired and lopsided. “I dunno. For being here? This has been a pretty awful three days but at least we’re all together again, right?” 

“Yeah.” Something warm wrapped through Bucky’s heart, easing the anxiety and the doubts and all the times he’d felt  _lost_ lately. “We’re all together again.” 

“Come on, Brooklyn.” Tony held out a hand for him and Bucky took it without hesitating. “Let’s go home.” 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holla for some good communication between our boys, a smidge of Stony nekkidness, and Bucky opening up. I love this chapter, I love that they are finally starting to take those big steps forward like we’ve been waiting for. Can’t wait to hear what you guys think.

Colonel Rhodes and Pepper were waiting at the Tower when Tony, Bucky and Steve finally made it back from the cemetery and Rhodey opened his arms immediately for Tony, who walked right into him and let Rhodey tumble them back onto the couch for a prolonged hug and a few cheek kisses and what sounded like a “Do you want me to spend the night?” and Tony muttering, “I have super soldiers for that” and huffing when Rhodey jabbed at his side. **  
**

“Oh Tony.” Pepper bent to give him a kiss as well, running her fingers through his hair before straightening to tell Steve– “Captain Rogers, one of the senators is having an impromptu gathering in honor of Agent Carter’s passing–”

“Meaning he’s throwing a party and is trying to gain voter points by saying it’s for Peggy?” Steve guessed, undoing his tie and stuffing it into his pocket. “Wonderful. She’s been gone for seventy hours and is already being used as a political talking point.”

“You’re very familiar with that sort of thing, aren’t you?” Pepper raised her eyebrows knowingly, and glanced over at Bucky as she added, “And not to pile onto the line of thinking, but considering your not-so-long-ago status as fugitives and the fact that  _technically_ you’re here in the country before you were legally invited back, it wouldn’t be the worst thing for both you and Sergeant Barnes to make an appearance. Shake some hands, flash those charming smiles– remind both the powers that be and the general public that you are the good guys, that regardless of being super soldiers you still love and grieve just like the rest of us.”

“Pepper–” Steve sighed. “I don’t think I can really handle–”

“I’ll go with you if you want me to.” Bucky muttered, not taking his eyes off where Tony and Rhodey were still snuggled up. “Unless you think it’s a bad idea for me to be there, I’ll go with you, Stevie.”

“Of course,” Pepper cut into whatever else Steve was going to say. “You can tell me no and I’ll tell them to  _fuck off_. Not many people are willing to argue what the CEO of Stark Industries says and even less people argue with what  _I_  have to say, so there won’t be any issue.”

“Aren’t  _you_ the CEO of Stark Industries?” Steve deadpanned, and Pepper wrinkled her nose, her smile just past wicked. “If it’s all the same to you, I think I’m too tired to pretend to care what a room full of politicians have to say.”

“I’ll tell them to fuck off.” Pepper said cheerfully. “Rhodey, are you staying here for the night?”

“I was informed I wasn’t needed.” The Colonel disentangled himself from a grumpy, grumbling,  _grabby_ Tony. “So I think I’ll catch a ride with you, Ms. Potts.”

“Sounds like an excellent plan.” Both Bucky and Steve got a hug again, and Pepper sat on the couch for a moment to talk quietly with Tony before kissing him goodbye and linking her fingers through Rhodey’s. “Feel free to call me for any reason  _at all_.” she instructed with a pointed look towards Tony. “And Sergeant Barnes, you feel free to call me as well, do you understand? Any reason at all.”

“Thank you.” Bucky managed a half smile and Pepper waved as Rhodey pulled her towards the elevator. “I’ll let you know.”

Once the elevator doors closed, Tony mumbled something about needing a shower and nearly ran from the room despite Steve calling for him to stay, and Bucky starting to reach out for him before pulling away at the last minute.

There wasn’t much to do after that besides make their way to their own rooms, and when Bucky asked, “Shouldn’t you check on Tony?” Steve answered, “He deserves the dignity of breaking down in private, Buck. He knows we’re here if he wants us.”

Bucky frowned. “You should check on him, Stevie. Isn’t right that he’s alone right now.”

“Why don’t  _you_ go and check on him then?” Steve paused at the door and watched as Bucky put his jacket away then started unbuttoning his dress shirt. “He’d be happy to see you, Buck.”

“I wouldn’t know what to say.” Bucky replied shortly. “Wouldn’t know what to do or how to–” he shook his head. “How to do any of that. How to  _start_ to do any of that.”

“You did good today.” Steve countered. “You did good with both of us. I don’t know if I’d’ve made it without you. Wasn’t strong enough to be there for Tony and you stepped up to help us both. You knew how to do  _that_ , didn’t you?”

Bucky stayed silent and after another moment Steve asked, “What did Pepper mean when she said to let her know? Let her know what?”

“She asked me before the service if I needed anything to settle in more.” Bucky turned around as he took the shirt off, three months of living together overseas doing nothing to ease the shame and self-disgust he felt at the mess of scars on his shoulder. . “A white noise machine or whatever. Wanted to know if I wanted a place of my own in case I didn’t feel comfortable here.”

“….oh?” Steve frowned. “Buck–”

“I told her I was fine.” Bucky interrupted with a quick shake of his head, tugging a t shirt over his shoulders. “I’m fine, Stevie. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Alright then.” Steve stayed for another minute as Bucky kicked out of dress pants and into pajama bottoms. “So are you going to go check on Tony?”

Bucky hung up his suit before answering, taking the time to methodically wipe down the fancy shoes Pepper had somehow conjured up in his exact size, and Steve knew that the repetitive motion helped clear Bucky’s mind, helped him find words since he still struggled with voicing his thoughts.

Finally, after the shoes had been wiped and buffed to a high shine and placed back in the closet, Bucky turned back to Steve and spread his hands uncertainly.

“Stevie, I don’t– I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about Tony.” Steve stayed quiet, knowing Bucky was pausing to organize his thoughts, not so Steve would interject. “It’s like um– It’s like–

“It’s been so long since I felt anything but  _hurt_.” Bucky blurted. “All I know is how to be hurt and how to be cold. What am I supposed to feel for him? Comforting him today was– it was okay because we were all sad and you were sad and I know how to make you feel better. I remember how to make  _you_ feel better. But Tony? My head knows I love him, but I’m too disconnected to feel it here.” Bucky tapped a finger into his chest. “I go to say something to him, and stop cos what if it’s stupid? What if it’s inappropriate? It’s been seventy years, Stevie. I don’t know how to talk to him, how to take care of him, how to do any–”

“Hey.” Steve held up a hand to stop Bucky’s increasingly panicked rambling. “I think you’re wrong, Buck.”

“Imagine that, Stevie has an opinion.” Bucky muttered, and even though he dropped onto his bed and put his face in his hands, there was no anger in the words. “How’m I wrong, then?”

“I think it’s your heart that knows you love Tony and your head that keeps talking you out of it.” Steve smiled a little. “Seems to me that everytime you’ve reached for him or talk to him or even insisting we go check on him– that’s your heart, Buck. Stop thinking and just do stuff and I bet it’ll get easier. You want to see him, just go see him like you did the first night we got home. Things are crazy right now and god knows I’m in no position to–”

Steve blew out a deep breath. “I’m not doing real good right now either, but it’s only going to get better from here. We’re home, we got all sort of time to figure this out. Don’t stress about it right now. Four days we’ve been back and this is the most time we’ve even had to just  _talk_. It’ll get easier, I promise.”

“Maybe.” Bucky rubbed his hands down his thighs a few times, chewing at his bottom lip anxiously. “You gonna sleep in here tonight?”

“You already shined your shoes.” Steve pointed out and this time Bucky smiled. “And I don’t see any couch cushions, and both our big asses aren’t gonna fit in that bed. You gonna make me sleep in the chair?”

“Keep that smart ass talkin’ up and you just might.” Bucky threatened.

“I’m alright tonight.” Steve moved to hug Bucky tight, closing his eyes when Bucky hugged him back just as hard. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

“See you in the morning, Stevie.”

*******************

*******************

Tony was at his computer when the lab doors swished open, photos from his phone scattered around the desk and on the chair next to him, three dozen pictures of he, Steve, Bucky and Peggy together that last day before they’d said goodbye.

All of the pictures had been taken within about five minutes and Tony smiled sadly as he looked through the minute changes from photo to photo– In one Peggy had just started to smile, and in the next her face was wreathed in lovely laugh lines. In another Steve was looking down at Peggy, then up at Tony. Bucky smiling stiffly, smiling more naturally, an outright beautiful shot where Bucky had burst into surprised laughter.

Tony drew a heart in the corner of that particular photo and taped it in the corner of his computer screen. Peggy had her head tossed back absolutely  _cackling_ and Steve’s jaw was somewhere near the ground, Tony’s eyes wide and scandalized and Bucky– Bucky was laughing and it was such a perfect photo that Tony’s heart hurt just looking at it.

“I’m glad you thought to take those.” Steve spoke up and Tony rotated around in his chair to smile tiredly at him. “There’s only two pictures that exist of the four of us from the war and I left one of them with her.”

“The other one?” Tony asked, and Steve answered, “On my nightstand like it always is.”

“Well, you can have one of these to add to it.” Another one of those tired smiles. “I was thinking about getting them framed, but then I thought I could make a collage and hang it in the cabin? Maybe in the kitchen. What do you think?”

“What do I think?” Steve folded his arms and leaned against the door jam, shifting the subject towards something less painful. “I think while I was gone, you were raiding my drawers. Are those  _my_ pajamas, Tony?”

Tony’s eyes went very wide and very  _very_ innocent, his hands fisting possessively in the blue flannel sleep pants. “I– I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“No?” Steve fought against a grin. “So they aren’t in fact the other pair that came in the two pack of pajama pants I bought right before Bucky turned up in Vienna? The two pack that included a red flannel pair–” he pointed to the pants he was currently wearing. “–and a blue flannel pair that are definitely my size which means they should drag about six inches on the ground and be way too big in the waist?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Tony repeated, but when he crossed his legs, his foot was completely hidden beneath a hem that was at least six inches too long. “I am way too rich to steal pajamas.”

“Oh my god.” Steve burst out laughing. “Oh my god, I’ve missed you Tony. Missed your sass and your sweetness and  _god_ –” he shook his head. “God, you look amazing.”

“I look like I haven’t slept in almost seventy hours and that I spent most of the seventy hours crying.” Tony countered. “This shirt is at least ten years old, I can’t help that the tailoring on what is definitely  _my_ pajamas is terrible and dragging on the floor, and you could pack for vacation with the bags under my eyes.  _That’s_ what I look like.”

“I haven’t got to spend more than a few minutes with you since coming home.” Steve’s smile slipped towards melancholy. “And before that, I went three months without seeing you, nothing more than a handful of text messages every couple days. And before that–”

“Babe–” Tony whispered when Steve’s face crumpled. “Hey hey hey, it’s okay–”

“Before that, the last time I saw you I had to wipe tears from your face and blood from your forehead.” The next words were unsteady. “Tony, you look amazing. You look like  _home_. Wearing my pajamas and sitting safe in the lab— you look amazing.”

“I’d hate to say being a fugitive is attractive, but you look pretty amazing too.” Tony winked at him, pushing levity into his tone to bring the moment back. “I was half hoping you’d come home with a beard. Seems like the rebellious thing to do, go from clean cut all american to bearded and dangerous rebel with a cause?”

“Do you want me to grow a beard, Tony?”

“I wouldn’t be opposed to you growing a beard, Spangles.” Now Tony’s voice caught and he held out his hand. “But I need a closer look to be sure so why don’t you come here and kiss me hello?”

Steve was across the room in a split second, crouching in front of Tony’s chair and fitting both his hands around Tony’s waist, low on his hips and just at the top curve of that ridiculous rear, yanking Tony to the edge of the seat and up against Steve’s body just before their mouths met.

Tony made a sound that was almost a  _sob_ and Steve pressed even closer, sighing contentedly when Tony’s fingers sifted through his hair and tugged at the longish strands and moaning when he swept a thumb over Tony’s jaw and the sweet lips opened beneath his own.

“I missed you.” Tony inched tighter, kissed Steve  _deeper_ , wound his tongue through Steve’s mouth and looped his arms around Steve’s neck because he just couldn’t get close enough. “Steve, I  _missed_ you.”  

“Sweetheart.” Steve pulled away with a hoarse groan, pushed their foreheads together and tried to get his breath back. “TonyTonyTony, I–”

“Come back.” Tony tipped his mouth up for another kiss but Steve shook his head. “Spangles?”

“This has been a really terrible week.” Steve whispered. “You’re exhausted and I’m exhausted and Bucky’s home and we have so much to figure out there and–”

“What are you doing?” Tony leaned away and frowned at him. “Come back here and kissed me, what is going on?”

“I’ve missed you so much.” Steve wrapped his hand at the base of Tony’s neck, rubbing his thumb over his pulse. “And it’s been hell being away from you but right now I can’t– we shouldn’t–” a deep breath. “–I feel guilty for wanting you. Our first time together again should be when we have lots of time and we can be romantic and I can remind you how much I love you. I mean, you came down here because you needed space and here I am trying to get grabby with you because all I can think about is–”

“Bending me over the desk and making me forget every minute of the last few months?” Tony suggested and Steve’s eyes widened in shock. “Spangled, I feel like we’ve talked before about you feeling guilty about this sort of thing and I thought I made my feelings pretty clear on the matter.”

“Tony–”

“ _Steve_.” Tony’s kiss wasn’t half as sweet this time, demanding and rushed and shoving his tongue into Steve’s mouth and biting at his bottom lip and Steve made a low, desperate sort of noise that was damn near a growl as he kissed Tony back. “I want slow and I want romantic and I want time together too. I  _do_. But for right now–” his head fell back when Steve sucked a hard bruise onto the soft skin behind his ear, nibbled along his jaw. “Oh god for right now,  _please_ –  _please_ –” 

To Steve’s credit, he had the presence of mind–  _barely_ had the presence of mind– to sweep everything off the desk that  _didn’t_ have the computer and photos, sending files and a few books to the floor in a scatter of papers so he could prop Tony up on the edge and get his hands  _everywhere_.

The pajamas of questionable ownership were shoved down and kicked away and Steve’s legs about went weak when he realized Tony wasn’t wearing anything beneath them. Steve’s shirt tore in an effort to get it up and off his shoulders so Tony could rake his nails down that broad chest, yanking at the ties to the Steve’s sleep pants and stammering over Steve’s name when the big hands grabbed at his ass.

“Tony.” Steve was impatient, greedy, dragging Tony back off the table and turning him around carefully  _so carefully_  so Tony was bent over and Steve could rock into him, his cock  _aching_ , leaking and throbbing and Tony tossed his head back and moaned when he felt the first push of  _pressure_ at his rim.

“Do you have any–” Steve started to ask for lube, for oil, for anything that could slick their way. “Tony what about–” Tony started to reach for some hand lotion because it was the best he could do for not being prepared, but he froze mid motion when Steve simply dropped to his knees and used both hands to open Tony up, leaning in and sealing his mouth over the puckered entrance.

“ _Oh oh oh_ —-” the hand lotion dropped away entirely forgotten as Tony traded it for gripping the edge of the desk with both hands. “Steve,  _oh my god_.”  

“Yes, sweetheart.” Steve made that growling noise again and Tony felt the vibration clear through his center, gasping and nearly whining as Steve worked him open first with his tongue, then after a moment easing a thick finger inside and Tony clenched down automatically, pulling a curse from the big blonde.

“Shitshitshit–” Tony spread his legs and pushed his hips back and Steve  _mmhmm_ ed in agreement and gave him  _more_ , licking at him until Tony was sloppy wet and taking two and then three fingers easily. “Steve don’t stop, don’t stop.”

“M’not gonna stop.” Steve shifted so he was better balanced, working his fingers as deep as he could. “Not gonna stop till you come for me Tony, come on baby, just let go for me.” He reached around to circle his palm over the leaking tip of Tony’s cock, using it to smooth his grasp and Tony sagged further against the table at that first touch, that first run from root to tip and then tensed all over again when Steve’s mouth went back to work at his entrance, thrusting right alongside his fingers and trying to match the rhythm of his hand.

“Oh oh I’m close– I’m  _close_.” Tony’s thighs started to tremble and Steve groaned, redoubling his efforts and trying his damnedest to get Tony right to the very edge, right to the very edge and then–

Tony came crying Steve’s name, scrabbling at the desktop for something to hold on to, his back bowing and hips stuttering and Steve brought him through the crash of pleasure with firm strokes and sharp nips at the meat of his ass, not letting up with his fingers until Tony was whimpering and struggling away from the over sensitivity and only  _then_ did Steve pull away.

“Steve–”

“I’m right here.” Steve used the wet of Tony’s release to slick his own cock and bent far over Tony’s body, covering Tony’s hand where it held tight to the edge of the desk and winding their fingers together. “I’m here, sweetheart, I’m here I’m here  _I’m here_ –”

Steve thought he might have seen stars at that first thrust, pushing into Tony’s body and not stopping until their hips met and Tony squeezed at his hand once Steve was resting heavy against him. And he squeezed  _tighter_ when Steve withdrew almost to pulling out, shaking his head until Steve laughed breathlessly and filled him again with one hard push.

“ _Yes_.”

Three months since they’d so much as had five minutes together, longer since they’d been together like  _this_ and Steve wanted it to go on forever, he wanted every hot drive into Tony’s core to last hours and the bittersweet slide away to never end and he wanted to listen to every quiet gasp and desperate pant and he wanted to never ever step away from Tony beneath him warm and pliant and begging for  _more_.

“I love when you beg for me.” he ground their hips together roughly and Tony arched his back and pushed back for harder and  _god_ Steve wanted it to last forever but no no no, not a chance in hell. Not when he’d missed Tony this much and not when Tony was whispering how good it felt, how much he’d missed Steve, how much he needed him.

Not a chance in hell of it lasting forever and really it was all too soon Steve could feel the tightening low in his center, heat climbing his body and blanking his mind until all he could think about was Tony around him, tight and warm, the salt of Tony’s skin and the shift of his muscles, the dark hair shot through with just a few pieces of silver and Steve worked his hand beneath Tony’s chest to cover the coolness of the arc reactor, protecting Tony’s very  _heart_ in his hands–

Not a chance in hell of it lasting forever.

Tony cried out all over again when Steve bottomed out inside him one last time, rutting against him as he swelled impossibly harder for a few seconds before he was coming, filling Tony full and then  _over_ and they both groaned when Steve moved just a bare inch and his release dripped down Tony’s thighs.

For a long moment neither said anything, Tony limp and letting the table take his weight, Steve with one hand still protectively over the reactor to keep it from pushing too hard into Tony’s chest. Steve was loathe to move, so he stayed buried in Tony’s core, draped over Tony’s back and rubbing his cheek between his shoulder blades, dotting soft kisses where he could reach and pressing lightly at Tony’s palm where their hands were still connected.

“Don’t let go of me.” Tony spoke first, sounding ragged and weary and when Steve checked on him, there was tears tracking down Tony’s cheek. “Spangles, I’m so damn tired of pretending I’m okay and I don’t have the energy for it anymore, I can’t– just don’t let go of me. I really can’t handle–”

“I’m not going anywhere.” Steve let go of Tony’s hand, eased his other one out from beneath Tony’s chest but replaced it at his hip, holding him tight enough that Tony’s breath hitched, a tremulous smile at the show of protectiveness.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Steve repeated as he pulled out  _slowly slowly slowly_ , grimacing at the mess and grabbing at his shirt to carefully but quickly pat up Tony’s legs and give himself a cursory wipe down before getting back into his pants.

“Two seconds.” he whispered, hurrying over to the couch and getting a blanket before running back to help Tony stand up, wrapping the blanket over Tony’s shoulders and around his waist and before Tony could protest either way, Steve scooped him right off the floor and into his arms, holding Tony as tight as he dared to ease the sudden trembles he could feel through the blanket.

He toppled onto the couch and brought Tony right up to his chest, propping his knees up so Tony was wedged between his heart and his thighs and only then did Steve wipe away the few stray tears. “I hurt you?” he whispered and Tony shook his head, curling closer. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.” Tony shook his head again. “Sorry, I’m just– this has been the worst– the  _craziest_ year of my life and every time I think it’s going to be okay something else happens and now I can’t– I didn’t let myself break down once while you and Bucky were gone. Didn’t let it happen, not even once. And then  _Peggy_ and now I’m–I’m just tired. I know it’s unsexy to cry after sex, I get it. But I’ve been pretending I’m okay and now you’re home and I don’t have to pretend anymore–”

“You don’t have to pretend anymore.” Steve agreed quietly. “I’m home now. It’s alright honey, you don’t have to pretend anymore.” 

“I didn’t want to break down in front of Bucky.” Tony shivered and Steve tucked him in tighter. “I feel bad that I couldn’t even ask how he was doing. Four days you’ve been home and this is the most time you and I have spent together and Bucky and I have barely said two words to each other. Seems stupid after all the times I dreamed about seeing him again and all the times I thought about what I’d say when I saw him. I’m not even put together enough to ask him how his day is. I hate it.”

“No one blames you for that, Tony.” Steve consoled him. “Especially not after Peggy. She was my first love and she was my friend and I– I’m not handling her passing very well either. But she was more to  _you_ than she was to me. She was your friend and family and Auntie and everything else to you for a long time. No one expects you to bounce back and into whatever the hell our situation is right away.”

“Yeah.” Tony’s sigh seemed to come from his very soul. “I miss her, Steve. She was all I had for a really long time and I’m mad at myself for being an asshole when I was younger and not going to visit her in the home. I didn’t want to think about her passing away so I never went and saw her. For like five years I only went at Christmas time and only for a few hours and now I feel like I wasted the time I had. What was I thinking?”

“You can’t do that, baby.” Steve smoothed Tony’s hair back from his forehead gently. “Don’t be mad about that sort of thing, you had no idea, no way of knowing–”

“I’m still mad about it.”

“But you had two years with her, right? Two years with us and her. And Peggy knew that once you went back, you’d remember her and you’d start coming around more, and that’s exactly what you did. After New York you visited her all the time and after you and I figured our stuff out, you and I went all the time, didn’t we?”

“…Oh.” A frown that melted into a relieved smile. “Oh my god, you’re right.”

“I think that makes up for the few years when you were too busy causing drama for the tabloids, huh?” Steve couldn’t stop touching Tony, massaging down his calves and pressing kisses to his cheek and hair. “Peggy wouldn’t hold something like that against you.”

“No, she was too perfect for that.” Tony mumbled and Steve smiled a little sadly, kissing him again. “I miss her so much.”

“I miss her too, Tony.” Steve rubbed comforting circles into his back and shifted lower on the couch. “I miss her too.”

“That’s probably a weird thing to say after having sex with her nephew.” Tony said dryly and Steve buried a laugh in Tony’s hair. “Oh good, I’m glad you laughed at that, it could have been very awkward if you didn’t.”

“I’m glad you’re feeling like yourself enough to make inappropriate jokes.” Steve returned and this time Tony lifted his chin so they could share a proper kiss. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Spangles.”

Tony was quiet after that, his breathing slowing down and head resting at Steve’s shoulder and after a few minutes Steve peeked down at him and Tony was out cold, limp and lax in Steve’s arms.

It was only then that Steve craned his neck around to the doorway that he’d heard open a few minutes previous, inclining his head towards the couch and whispering, “Come on, Buck. No reason to stand there watching, get over here.”

“I don’t want to interrupt.” Bucky whispered back, his eyes darting towards the destroyed desk and the discarded clothes. “I’ll talk to him tomorrow.”

“Get over here.” Steve said more firmly. “You’re not interrupting. He just fell asleep, come here and sit with us.” Bucky still hesitated and Steve added, “You came down here to check on him, come over here and do it already.”

Bucky finally came over, taking slow steps across the lab and eyeing all the machinery with a mix of awe and apprehension, crowding onto the far end of the couch and clasping his hands in his lap awkwardly.

Steve just  _looked_ at him for a minute and Bucky rolled his eyes and scooted closer until Steve could shove his toes beneath his thighs. Then he muttered a curse because the way they were sitting meant Tony was on his left side and Bucky started and stopped, started and stopped, started to reach for Tony and then stopped at the last minute, closing his left hand into a fist.

“Hey–” Steve started to reassure him, tried to find something to say ease the frustration in Bucky’s eyes. “Don’t worry about–”

Whatever he was going to say fell away when Tony stirred and poked a hand out from beneath the blankets, feeling around for Bucky and grabbing onto the metal fingers before dragging them back close to his body, pressing their palms together over his heart.

“ _Oh_.” the noise punched out of Bucky’s chest and Steve put his nose in Tony’s hair so his smile wouldn’t seem so emotional. “Um, Tony–”

“We’re gonna make it.” Tony said quietly, clearly. “The bad days are gonna suck but the good days are gonna get better and better and one day all we’re gonna do is smile. Peggy told us not to the time pull us apart and I’m not going to let that happen.”

“Okay.” Bucky said just as quietly, squeezing just lightly-  _so so lightly_ \- at Tony’s hand. “Okay.”

“Okay.” Tony closed his eyes again and apparently fell right back asleep snuggled into Steve’s chest and holding onto Bucky.

It was almost twenty minutes later that Steve worked a hand free from beneath Tony and strained for a bottle of water from the ever presents cases next to the couch. Bucky reached with his open hand to twist open the cap and Steve smiled in thanks before draining most of it in one go.

“I love him so much.” he said after the water bottle was empty, staring down at Tony. “Buck, I didn’t think it was possible to love someone this much.”

“Yeah.” Bucky nodded. “I remember what that feels like.” He waited a beat and then asked, “What are we doing here, Stevie?”

“With Tony?”

“With everything.” Bucky’s expression flickered towards morose when Tony sighed in his sleep. “You said to just act with my heart and stop overthinking things but I– I don’t know how to do that. And I gotta say, knowing you two are–” a glance back towards the destroyed table. “–are together doesn’t make things easier.”

“Right.” Steve nodded jerkily. “Yeah, I can’t imagine– I’m sorry, Buck. Things got out of hand tonight, I planned on talking to you again once everything calmed down but–”

“– you don’t gotta apologize, Stevie. M’not mad about it.”

“– Still.” Steve frowned. “I planned on talking to you again before Tony and I spent any time together. We talked about this sort of thing when we were looking for you, how you coming home wouldn’t mean I’d lose Tony and how he loves both of us but I’ll admit I didn’t really think about how you would feel… _sharing_ him.”

“M’not mad about it.” Bucky repeated. “And it don’t bother me thinking about sharing him. Maybe it should? Guess it isn’t normal to share your fella, right? But we used to share everything, Stevie. And Tony loved us both back then even if it wasn’t the same as it is now, but–”

“But?” Steve waited expectantly. “But what?”

“–but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to have more than this.” Bucky finished, lifting his and Tony’s hand an inch or so. “Just holding hands is more than I ever thought I’d have again and I don’t know if I can… if I can do more than this.”

“And–?” Steve looked confused. “What do you mean you don’t know if can do more than this? What’s wrong with  _this_?” 

“I dunno if it’s enough.” Bucky looked miserable, forlorn and lonely as if he’d been thinking about it for days, maybe for months. “Tony remembers me as all charming and confident and I– that’s not me anymore, Stevie. I’m not the person he loved. What if I can’t ever do more than hold hands with him? What if I’m– what if I’m broken?”

 _Oh_. 

“When HYDRA had you–” Steve lowered his voice. “You never– um, you weren’t allowed or never had the chance or–”

“Couldn’t.” Bucky answered in the same low tone and Steve had to look away to hide his shock. “Had the chance. Sometimes they’d bring me someone cos they figured I needed the– the stress relief, or maybe as a reward? But I never um–” he cleared his throat. “Maybe the trigger words took it away? Repressed it, deleted it, whatever they did to me. Dunno if that sort of thing will ever come back. If I’ll ever feel that sort of thing again. You and he can– you know. But what if I  _can’t_?”

Steve was stunned silent by yet another reminder that everything good the serum had given him– including enough stamina to please his love, and to be pleased himself, over and over and  _over_ – had been stripped away from Bucky.

He was as strong as Steve and maybe even stronger, but that came at the price of a metal arm, horrifying scars, and constant pain. Bucky was an excellent fighter, but that was less because of the serum and more because of the torture HYDRA had called  _training_. His speed enhanced by the second dose of serum given when they’d dragged him from the ravine. His single minded focus and ability to adapt to a new situation and concoct a new plan faster than Steve could brought about after years of mind warping control and the stripping away of his entire self.

And now this, Bucky’s very desire repressed or ripped away with no idea if it would ever return?

“Don’t look like that.” Bucky sounded suddenly furious and Steve snapped out of his thoughts. “Don’t look like you feel sorry for me. Dammit I don’t need your pity!” 

“Bucky–”

“I don’t need your pity, Stevie.” Bucky repeated and the anger was gone just that quickly, cooling to that always unsettling blankness that meant Bucky had retreated into his mind again. “Never mind. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“I’m sorry, I–” Steve was scrambling for something, anything. “Buck, I didn’t realize– I had no idea. But I promise that Tony doesn’t–”

“I don’t care about any of that.” Tony spoke up and both the super soldiers jumped. “Do you hear me?” He peeked over the edge of the blanket, hair fluffed out and eyes sleepy and offered Bucky one of those beautiful smiles. “Bucky, we have so much time to figure out everything. It doesn’t matter what happens. We’ll figure it out. If you want to talk, I’ll listen. If you don’t want to talk, that’s fine too.”

“I–”

Tony snuggled back into Steve, squeezing as hard as he could at Bucky’s fingers. “I waited seventy years to hold hands with you again. I can wait however long it takes for anything else, alright? We’ll figure it out. Don’t worry.” 

“Oh.” Bucky swallowed hard, the blankness in his eyes replaced by something that looked an awful lot like  _hope_. “….Okay. Okay then.”

“Okay then.” Steve repeated and for the first time since that very first sighting in Germany, the first minute they’d seen Bucky and known that bringing him home might  _actually_ happen, for the first time since all of that–

–Steve actually thought everything would be okay.

“Okay then.” he said again and Bucky gave him a hesitant smile. “We’ll figure it out.” 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is 10k words (remember the days when my long chapters were 3000 words? Yeesh). Different scenes from our boys’ life as they learn to live together and reconnect and work through things and some moments are fairly intense. A few scenes are good and others are rough because sometimes in life the healing process jumps forward in leaps and bounds and sometimes it feels like we are right back where we started, but we dig down deep and keep going anyway and that’s what our boys do here too. 
> 
> Also, minor TW, Bucky has a flashback/breakdown and it’s just a little hard to read, I’ll mark it *** before it starts in case you need to skip. This is mostly from Bucky’s POV, following his journal entries.

_I’m going to be okay **  
**_

_We’re going to be okay._

_The three of us are going to be okay._

Bucky hadn’t realized exactly how much of the Tower had been shut down after Peggy’s passing until one day everything was  _on_ again.

Music played almost constantly in the background, at a low enough volume to blend into a calming white noise, jazzy but easy on the ears, only instrumentals and most of it piano music. Bucky thought maybe he recognized some of the tunes and it made him smile in surprise to think that maybe Tony had purposefully added music to the mix that would seem familiar to he and Steve.

The lights were on now too– every single light in every single room. There were lights in closets and lights in the pantry and at night when Bucky couldn’t sleep and would walk up and down through the Tower, even the  _stairs_ had lights in them so he wouldn’t trip. The hallways had lights along the baseboards and so did the elevator and even at some ungodly hour between midnight and sunrise when Bucky went looking for a snack, the cupboards in the kitchen were illuminated from beneath so he could see what he was looking for without turning on the main light.

“Why the lights?” he finally asked Steve one afternoon as Steve worked one of the punching bags. Bucky didn’t trust himself to throw a punch even for practice, even for exercise. He didn’t  _want_ to throw a punch, in fact he’d be happy if he never had to do it again. But Steve was Captain America and he had to keep in fighting shape so when he worked out, Bucky came and sat with him.

“Why the lights?” he asked again. “Why are there lights on everywhere in the Tower?”

Steve paused in his workout, wiping the sweat from his forehead and unwrapping what was left of the tape on his knuckles. “Tony can’t uh— Tony can’t be in the dark alone. He hates that sort of thing and since I feel the same way most days, he has JARVIS set to keep lights on constantly as long as we’re home.”

“You can’t be in the dark.” Bucky repeated. “Why…?”

“You read that I put the plane down in the ice, that’s why I disappeared for seventy years?”

“Yeah.”

“It took my body almost twenty days to drop into hibernation.” Steve rewrapped his knuckles and went back at the bag, his punches harder now, his jaw set. “The last of the backup power in the plane went out after forty eight hours.”

“ _Jesus_ , Stevie.” Bucky muttered, and Steve’s next punch was hard enough to make the bag burst at the seams, snap off it’s reinforced chain and smack into the floor. “Eighteen days?”

“Eighteen days and now I don’t like the dark.” Steve dragged another bag over and hooked it up. “Neither does Tony. Do all the lights bother you?”

Bucky didn’t mind the dark. He had lived in the dark,  _thrived_ in the dark, survived in the shadows and dim edges of reality for most of a century and being in the light made him feel exposed and open in a way that twitched towards  _uncomfortable_. And he tried to get over it, tried to remember that it was the  _Soldier_ that lived in the dark and  _Bucky_ belonged to the light but some days–

“Buck?”

“I don’t mind the lights.” he answered, pushing away the other thoughts. “I’ve had enough of the dark in my life, right?”

“Right.” Steve went back at his workout and after a few minutes he settled back into an easy rhythm, his stance relaxing as the memory of  _dark_ faded away. “You doing okay?”

“I’m doing okay.” The answer was automatic but that didn’t mean it was dishonest. Most days since they’d come home from Peggy’s service had been good days, and as long as the good days outnumbered the bad days…. “I’m doing okay.”

Bucky closed his eyes and listened to the ever present music for a few minutes, a question tumbling around his mind, burning on his tongue and making him a nauseous as he couldn’t help but think about all the terrible reasons  _why_ Tony would hate being in the dark.

“Stevie–” Steve looked up in an instant when he heard the  _anxiety_ in Bucky’s voice. “Stevie, why can’t Tony be in the dark?”

“Oh.” Steve’s face fell and Bucky’s nausea got a little worse. “That’s not really my story to tell and to be honest, I only know bits and pieces of it. Tony doesn’t like to talk about that time in his life. But it has a lot to do with his arc reactor.”

“His–”

“This thing.” Steve tapped the middle of his chest miming where the reactor sat on Tony. “He keeps it covered all the time now but he used to wear it out and proud, cut circles in his shirt so everyone could see it, all that sort of thing. It um– it all happened in Afghanistan.”

_It happened in Afghanistan._

Three different missions flickered through Bucky’s head one right after the other, three different missions, three different targets, three different locations all within the borders of Afghanistan and none of the memories had the pain he associated with memories that involved Tony.

_What happened in Afghanistan wasn’t my fault._

“What happened in Afghanistan wasn’t my fault.” he said out loud. “I wasn’t there. The Soldier wasn’t there. Not that time.”

“I never thought you were.”  _Sorrow_ etched its way across Steve’s face. “Do you do that every time? You hear about something bad and you automatically have to check to remember if you were there?”

Bucky didn’t want to say yes but he didn’t want to lie either, so he just nodded stiffly.

“…M’real sorry about that, Buck.” Steve put a hand on the bag to keep it from swinging, and rested his forehead against the canvas for a few seconds. “You want to get out of here and get some ice cream?”

“Ice cream?”

“Yeah, I think we need some ice cream.”

Half an hour later Steve was sprawled on his bed digging into a tub of Rocky Road and Bucky was maybe not  _quite_ as enthusiastic about his double chocolate fudge ice cream, but that wasn’t stopping him from eating huge spoonfuls of it all the same.

“Why ice cream?” he asked around a big bite.

“Cos ice cream is what we do when talking sucks.” Steve answered, and when his phone buzzed, he typed out a quick message before tossing it away and going right back to nearly inhaling the sweet treat. “And right now talking  _sucks_. Ice cream it is.” 

Five minutes passed and Tony strolled through the bedroom door brandishing two spoons. One retrieved a dangerously tall amount of Steve’s Rocky Road and the other made it’s way into Bucky’s Double Chocolate, reappearing with an equally dangerously tall amount. 

Then Tony sat himself at the wall and crossed his feet in front of him, taking as much as he dared from each spoon and licking at his lips in satisfaction before asking, “Ice cream, huh? We all okay?”

“Yeah.” Steve looked over at Bucky, raising his eyebrows. “We’re all okay, right?”

“We’re all okay.” Bucky echoed, and he wasn’t lying. Today was a fairly good day and as long as the good days out numbered the bad…

“Alright then.” Tony finished his spoons worth of ice cream and stuck them in his back pocket as he got to his feet. “I’ll see you guys at dinner?”

“Bye sweetheart.”

“Bye Tony.”

_I’m going to be okay_

_We’re going to be okay._

_The good days are out numbering the bad days._

_The three of us are going to be okay._

********************

********************

_I haven’t forgotten the important things_

_There’s no time between what happened then and what happens now_

_No time that matters anyway._

“Alright, the Star Spangled Man gets his Star Spangled Meal Plan.” Tony set just an  _enormous_ amount of eggs and bacon and toast and hash browns and fruit and– good  _Christ_ how much breakfast did Stevie eat these days?– a huge glass of milk down in front of Steve and smecked a kiss to his cheek with a pleased smile. “Is that going to be enough food?”

“Sweetheart, this is enough food for  _two_ of me.” Steve poked at the mass of eggs in bewilderment. “Tony. Why is there  _so much_  food?”

“You are a-wasting away!” Tony adopted an exaggeratedly thick Italian accent, throwing his hands in the air and crying, “You are nothing but skin and bones! Eat! EAT!”

“I will eat  _some_ of this.” Steve decided, eyeing the mountain of hash browns uneasily. “And you should eat some too because if either of us needs a big breakfast, it’s you. You’ve been feeling a little light to me and I don’t like that.”

“Oh please, you don’t know how much I weigh.” Tony rolled his eyes and Steve answered without looking up from spreading jelly on one of four pieces of toast, “A hundred and seventy four pounds naked, a hundred and eighty three pounds fully clothed and wearing your watch, three hundred and sixty one when you wearing the Mark 42 armor.”

“I–” Tony’s mouth opened, then closed, then opened again. “How do you know that?”

“I’m Captain America, baby.” Steve’s grin was unbearably smug, his wink obnoxiously cheesy. “I know everything. And lately you’ve been feeling closer to about one fifty nine so why don’t you eat some toast and half these eggs?”

“…. _anyway_.” Tony narrowed his eyes at Steve and then turned back to the stove for more plates, presenting them to Bucky with a flourish. “Bucky, here’s a very nostalgic breakfast for my very favorite piece of history. I tried to get everything you like on there but let me know if I missed something.” 

“Your very favorite piece of history?” Bucky repeated, and he didn’t really want to smile about it because it was a  _terrible_ joke but Tony’s eyes were wide and hopeful and he was biting at his lip like he was trying not to laugh at his own sense of humour, so Bucky smiled, even chuckled a little and Tony absolutely  _lit up_. “You hear that, Stevie? I’m Tony’s very favorite piece of history.”

“The hell you are.” Steve grunted over a shovelful of eggs. “Tony’s lying to make you feel better.”

“Don’t be rude.” Tony sat down with his cup of coffee, sipping at the steaming liquid and smiling over the rim of the cup. “You know you’re my favorite iced treat. My best popsicle. My best  _Cap_ sicle, as it were.”

Steve coughed a laugh over his next bite and Bucky grinned, picked up his fork looked down at his plate and– “Tony? What the hell is this?”

“It’s a nostalgia breakfast.” Tony informed him. “I don’t actually know what you like to eat for breakfast so I got you fresh plums and topped them with homemade whip cream and I bought crusty bread from the bakery downtown because no one wants to see me try to bread. I actually attempted sunny side up eggs but I dunno how they turned out.” He wet his lips nervously when Bucky just kept  _looking_ at him. “And um– cinnamon pecans. Because I remember you liked them. And um, Cheerios. I don’t actually know if you eat Cheerios but they existed in the forties so I thought maybe you’d…like…them?” 

Steve glanced up from his plate, eyes darting between Bucky and Tony as the kitchen fell silent.

“These are some of my favorite foods.” Bucky finally said and Tony nodded quickly. “You remembered I liked plums?”

“Yeah. And the whip cream–” Tony motioned to the fluffy mess on top of the plums. “–because the first time I made you guys dinner I made fresh whipped cream.”

“Crusty bread because that’s how we used to eat it.” Bucky said next and Tony rushed to add, “And sunny side up eggs because that’s how you ordered them when we went out for breakfast that time in London, and Cheerios– did you know Cheerios come in a bunch of different flavors now? I don’t want to say the originals taste like cardboard, but I  _am_ saying that frosted Cheerios is going to blow your mind and–”

Tony stopped talking when Bucky cut a chunk off one of the plums and dragged it through the whipped cream before shoving the whole thing in his mouth.

“…good?” he asked nervously, and Bucky tried his hardest to remember how to smile just right, slow and easy and with enough charm to make Tony blush and judging by how fast Tony gulped at his coffee, his cheeks rosy and his smile embarrassed, it worked.

“I can’t believe you remembered all this.” he said through a scoop of eggs. “Thank you.”

“I told you, Buck. Technically there’s seventy something years between now and then, but it doesn’t seem like it.” Tony shot Steve a quick look and Steve smiled encouragingly. “There isn’t any time between us, right? None that matters. I remember the important things and you remember the important things and we have Captain Capable over here to remind us what we forget.”

“Oh now I’m Captain Capable?” Steve tackled another helping of hash browns. “What happened to Capsicle?”

“You are absolutely mistaken if you think I don’t have less than a dozen Cap- themed nicknames.” Tony informed him dryly and Bucky smiled down into his plate.

It was almost like breakfast had been in their tiny apartment in Brooklyn, almost like breakfast when they snuck away to Steve’s dorm so he and Tony could hold hands and the three of them could talk about missions and laugh about the shenanigans from the other Commandos and it was almost like breakfast that Bucky used to wish he and Tony  _could_ have, shared smiles and homemade food and fond memories because life was good and they weren’t sad anymore.

_I haven’t forgotten the important things._

_There’s no time between what happened then and what happens now._

_No time that matters anyway._

_We’re going to be okay._

*****************

**(TW: Bucky has a breakdown)**

*****************

_Today was a bad day._

_Today was a bad day._

_Today was a bad day._

_My name is Bucky._

_My name is Bucky._

_My name is Bucky._

Tony pulled Bucky aside one day, linking their fingers and smiling up at him as he talked and Bucky– Bucky was too distracted by the feel of Tony’s hand in his own and the way Tony looked so excited and completely animated to pay any attention to what was actually being said.

“–would that be okay?” Tony finished and Bucky startled back to the conversation, eyes wide and mind racing to try and figure out what Tony had said. “You uh– you weren’t listening, were you?”

Bucky stammered an embarrassed apology and Tony waved him off. “It’s alright. In case you haven’t realized, I tend to talk whether anyone is listening or not? Don’t worry about it.”

“No.” Frustrated with how quickly he had disappeared into his own head, feeling bad for ignoring Tony even if it was accidentally, even if it was because he’d been memorizing the feel of the calloused fingers against his palm, Bucky held on when Tony went to pull away. “No, Tony. I’m sorry. What were you saying?”

“It’s alright.” Tony’s smile was positively  _brilliant_. “I was asking if you trust me enough to try and take a look at your arm.” he tapped Bucky’s left wrist. “I know it hangs heavy on you and I can tell that it gets stiff and I can only imagine that it hurts and since robotics is sort of my thing–”

“You don’t think I trust you?” That– that was the wrong thing to say.  _Why was he always saying the wrong thing?_  “Um, I mean–”

“I think that as someone who has also been held down and operated on without my consent–” Tony plinked at the arc reactor casing and Bucky’s brows pulled into a frown. “–I still flinch if anyone even  _suggests_ taking a closer look at my chest. People walk too close to me in a store and I jump back fast enough to knock things over and I bet it’s about a million times worse for you, whether you trust that person or not.”

He was still holding onto Bucky’s hand and he pressed at it lightly,  _earnestly_ as he said, “If you say no to this, it’s fine. My feelings aren’t hurt. But I’d really love the chance to see if I can help you a little bit.” 

“I trust you, Tony.” Bucky murmured and he just said the words, opened his mouth and said them because they were  _true_ and he meant it and he’d been trying to take Steve’s advice to  _stop overthinking_  to heart. “I– of course I trust you.”

The conversation led them to the lab and Tony was beaming, chattering excitedly about how excited he was to work on something as unique as Bucky’s arm and how he couldn’t wait to see how it worked and  _oh_ was it weird for him to be excited about this? Because this was definitely about helping Bucky but he also tended to get carried away with his tech and forget that other people were listening and–

“Bucky?” Tony stopped when he saw that Bucky wasn’t paying attention. “Um, Buck? You with me?”

 _No_.

Bucky’s gaze zeroed in on the chair in the middle of the room, the damn thing seemingly innocuous in a rich shade of black, comfortable looking arm rests and a step at the end to make getting into it easier and it was nothing. It was  _nothing_ , it was just a  _chair_ but Bucky couldn’t stop looking at it.

It was obviously a medical chair, like one used for procedures, like one for used for  _experimentation_ and it was already reclined back as if it were just  _waiting_ to strap someone in and he couldn’t see straps but that didn’t mean there  _wasn’t_ straps, there were  _always_ straps and it looked soft but Bucky knew it wasn’t soft, the chair had  _never_ been soft, not the first time they had held him down and forced a mouth guard between his teeth so he wouldn’t bite his tongue off and it hadn’t been soft every  _other_ time when he’d sat down willingly because they’d activated him and he didn’t have a choice but to accept the pain or maybe it  _hadn’t_ been willingly but he did it anyway because there wasn’t another option, there wasn’t another option other than being hurt and  _oh god he was so tired of being hurt he was so tired of being hurt–_

“Bucky?”

 _Dimly_ , through a haze of memories and fear and a headache that came out of nowhere and narrowed his vision to pinpricks and made his nose bleed and had him crashing back into the wall and sliding down to hide his face and he tried to breathe but he  _couldn’t breathe_ , his tongue was splitting as he bit into it because there wasn’t a mouth guard to keep him from hurting himself and–

“BUCKY!”

_My name is Bucky. My name is Bucky. My name is– my name– my name–oh god what is my name?_

“Your name is Bucky.” Someone was crying, right there in front of him, close enough that he probably could reach out and touch them but he couldn’t do that.  _He couldn’t do that because his arms were strapped down, bolted into a vice to keep him from lashing out–_

“No one is holding you down, no one is holding you down. Your name is Bucky.”

_My name is–_

“Your name is Bucky. Your name is James Buchanan Barnes and you were a Sergeant with the 107th regiment and the Howling Commandos.”

_My name–_

“Your name is Bucky. Your name is Bucky. Jesus  _Christ_ , JARVIS get Steve!”

_Steve Rogers is Captain America. Steve Rogers is my best friend._

“Yes, yes, Steve is your best friend. Steve is your best friend, JARVIS GET HIM NOW!”

_My name is– my name–what’s my name? What’s my name?_

“Your name is Bucky.” Some one was crying, right there in front of him, close enough that he probably could reach out and touch them but he couldn’t do that  _he couldn’t do that because people only cried when they were afraid of the Soldier._

“No no, I’m not afraid of you. I’m not afraid you. Bucky Bucky Bucky, Brooklyn come back to me. Come back to me, baby come on. I’m right here and I’m not afraid of you.”

_My name is Bucky._

“Oh thank god.  _Yes_.  _Yes_ your name is Bucky. You’re Bucky. And you’re– you’re home. You’re home alright? You’re home and you’re safe and I love you and Steve is your best friend and–”

_My name is Brooklyn._

“Yes.” Someone was crying, nearly sobbing, right there in front of him, close enough that he could probably reach out and touch. “Yes. Your name is Brooklyn and I love you very much so I need you to open your eyes and just look at me. Just look at me. Bucky?  _Bucky_!”

*******************

Bucky woke up in his bedroom, tucked into his bed with Steve right there at his side. The room was warmer than usual, the music playing at a louder volume obviously meant to wake him up and Bucky blinked around the room in confusion. 

“Stevie? How did I get here?” 

“You back with us?” Steve looked like he’d been crying. “You back with me, Buck?”

“I’m–” Bucky looked around the room again, trying to piece together the last few– hours? Had it been hours? “Yeah, I’m here. What happened?  _What the hell happened_?” 

“You had a um–” Steve cleared his throat, then cleared it again. “You had a breakdown, Buck. A breakdown or a flash back, whatever it was, but it happened n Tony’s lab. You shut down on him and he couldn’t bring you out of it and then you passed out so I carried you up here. You’ve been asleep for–” he checked his watch. “–almost seven hours.”

“I had a breakdown?” Bucky repeated. “ _Why_?” and then, horror leeching the color from his face. “Did I hurt Tony? Is Tony okay?” 

“No!” Steve jumped to his feet when Bucky did, both hands help up to stop him from moving forward. “I mean, yes. Yes Tony is okay. No, you didn’t hurt Tony. Didn’t hurt anything, didn’t destroy anything. Bucky, nothing happened. You just shut down and then you passed out. It’s okay. As far as break downs go it was a pretty manageable one. Everything’s fine.”

Bucky stumbled back onto the bed, dropping his head into his hands. “Steve. What the fuck happened?”

“I watched the footage.” Steve came and sat on the bed and when Bucky tried to flinch away, Steve shook his head and wrapped a strong arm around his shoulders. “Looks like you walked in the lab and saw a chair and just sort of… collapsed.”

_Oh._

_Fuck._

“That fucking chair.” Bucky dragged his fingers through his hair. “I thought– it reminded me of–.”

“You don’t gotta talk about it, Buck. No one’s mad, Tony’s just real worried about you. Don’t talk about it.”

“They used to strap me down.” he said all in a rush and Steve tensed beside him. “Put my arm in a vice and strap me down and put this machine around my head and wipe me and it hurt– it hurt so bad. And Tony? Tony had a chair and it just hit me all at once and I panicked– are you  _sure_ I didn’t hurt him? Are you sure he’s okay?”

“You didn’t touch him.” Steve held Bucky tighter, rocking him gently on the bed as Bucky started to hyperventilate. “Hey hey hey, easy. Bucky it’s okay. We all have bad days and this one caught us off guard but no one is hurt and nothing got damaged and you’re back with us. It’s okay. It’s okay.”

“Oh my god.” Bucky broke down into tears, holding onto Steve’s arm where it wound over his chest and hanging his head. “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, Stevie help me.  _Help me_.”

“ _Shhh_.” Steve was crying too, hugging Bucky as tight as he could. “We’ll figure it out Buck, we’ll figure it out. It’s okay. We’re all okay. Everything’s going to be okay.”

*******************

That goddamn  _chair_ was burning in the lab incinerator and Tony was halfway through a bottle of something expensive and alcoholic and on the huge fold down screen, Pepper was wiping tears from her eyes as Tony told her about the episode.

“I just– I’m so stupid.” Tony bit off a curse and topped off his glass. “Pep, I’m so  _stupid_. We’ve had like, two really great weeks and Bucky smiles at me and he laughs with me and we’ve all been eating breakfast together… I spent so much time telling myself that whatever he did as the Soldier didn’t matter, that I love him anyway, that everything would work out eventually right?”

“I know you did Tony.” Pepper said soothingly. “You worked really hard to get past everything that happened so you could be here for him. It’s sort of amazing to be honest.” 

“Yeah.” Tony snorted. “Yeah, I’m a real gift. But while I was patting my self on the back for being an A+ time traveling boyfriend and overlooking Bucky’s rather checkered past and everything he’s done? I forgot about everything that was done  _to_ him. Bucky went through hell and I put him into a tailspin over a stupid chair. Set him off, freaked him out over a–”

Tony’s hands were shaking as he tried to take a drink. “A fucking  _chair_. The same chair I had when you put my arc reactor in, remember? He told me he trusted me to take a look at his arm and then I set him off because of that stupid chair!”

“He didn’t hurt you did he?” Pepper whispered. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Tony said shortly. “He just– he just collapsed. Curled up against the wall and kept asking what his name was and saying that he didn’t want to hurt anymore and that his arms were tied down and–” he drained his glass, sniffed loudly. “I can’t believe I did that to him. Why didn’t I figure it out sooner? Of course being put in a chair and having his arm worked on would freak him out. Why didn’t I see that?” 

“Tony, what was there for you to see?” Pepper shook her head. “You had no idea of knowing that a chair would trigger him and I’m sure  _he_ had no idea either. Honey, you cannot blame yourself for this.”

“Two good weeks.” Tony said louder. “And I ruined it. I’ve been so stupid, thinking that just because he was smiling meant that he was fine. Me? Of all people?” he jabbed a finger at his chest. “I should be the  _first_ to know that a smile in no way means that someone is fine. I got all excited playing house and thinking that I finally had what I wanted and I completely overlooked–”

“BUCKY’S MENTAL HEALTH IS NOT YOUR FAULT!” Pepper yelled and Tony’s mouth fell open. “Stop that! Stop it right now! I am not going to sit here and watch you blame yourself for seventy years of everything  _terrible_. I absolutely refuse. You are banned from thinking that sort of bullshit.” Pepper sliced her hand through the air with a cease motion. “ _Banned_.”

“I’m…” Tony blinked at her. “Banned? You’re  _banning_ me from thinking specific things?” 

“I said what I said.” Pepper leaned away and crossed her arms. “Tony, everyone has bad days.  _Everyone_ has bad days. The difference is, you and Steve already worked through all of yours. Or at least most of yours. Just because Bucky has an episode or a breakdown or anything along those lines doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world. It also doesn’t mean that all the good days you’ve had didn’t mean anything. How many times did you break down after New York? Does that negate the good moments you and I had? Or the way you and Steve connected?”

“Well…no.”

“No.” Pepper finally smiled again, soft and sweet and reaching towards the screen like she wanted to touch Tony. “And it doesn’t mean that with Bucky either. A bad day doesn’t mean that the last two weeks of good days were lies and it doesn’t mean that anything is ruined. It’s just a bad day, Tony. Nothing deeper than that. Definitely some emotional whip lash, probably a little awkwardness. Nothing more, nothing less.” 

Tony finished his drink and set it aside. “Alright. You’re right. I’m over reacting.” 

“You are.” Pepper agreed. “But it’s wonderful how much you care about him. Do you feel better?” 

“Ms. Potts, I always feel better when you yell at me.” he said dryly and Pepper’s smile stretched a little wider. “I’m sorry for disturbing your night. Apologize to Rhodey for me.” 

“Rhodey isn’t–” Pepper really was a terrible liar. “Fine. I’ll tell him. And don’t ever be sorry for calling me. I love you Tony. Hug those soldiers for me, alright?” 

“I love you too.” Tony blew her a kiss. “Good night.” 

**************

_Today was a bad day_

_Today was a bad day_

_Today was a bad day_

_Today was a –_

“Don’t do that.” Bucky froze when Tony knelt in front of him, taking the pencil from his hand and sliding the journal off his lap to put it on the side table. “Today wasn’t a bad day, Buck.”

“Tony.” Bucky wanted to cry, wanted to scream and wanted to  _rage_ , wanted to flinch away from the gentle touch at his knee. “Are you– did I– I’m so sorry, I–”

“Nope.” Tony shook his head. “Don’t do that. To borrow a phrase from the lovely Ms. Potts, you are banned from thinking that sort of bullshit. Don’t be sorry. I’m not hurt, and you’re not hurt and we’re fine.”

Bucky was afraid to say anything at all and Tony rubbed at his knee for a moment before sighing. “Alright yeah, I’ll admit today was a bad day. But you know what? That doesn’t take away how great the last few weeks have been, right? And it doesn’t mean that tomorrow won’t be great. We all have bad days, but as long as the good outweighs the bad then we’re working towards something better.”

“It was– um the chair was–” Bucky cast about for an explanation, for something but Tony shook his head again. “Tony, please let me just–” 

“Brooklyn.” That fucking smile was  _gorgeous_ and it made Bucky want to cry all over again. “We’re going to figure it out. We’re going to be okay. Today was a bad day but we’re going to be alright.”

_~~Today was a~~ _

_Today was a bad day_

_But tomorrow will be better._

_My name is Bucky and Tony loves me._

****************

****************

_Things I never expected after HYDRA: Finding Steve. Finding Tony. Second chances._

“Is this alright?” Tony drew a circle on Bucky’s left palm with just the tips of his fingers. “I need you to talk to me so I know what’s going on, okay? Constant communication.” 

“Okay.” Bucky blew out a deep breath. “This is alright.”

“I’m just looking.” Tony reminded him. “Just looking and I’m going to have JARVIS scan your arm so I can get some specs on it. You don’t have to take your shirt off and we can stop anytime you want.”

“Thank you.”

They were sitting in the living room this time, Bucky and Tony on the love seat together and Steve propped up against the couch at their feet working at a cross word puzzle.

Almost eleven days it had taken Bucky to gather up the courage to even be  _close_ to Tony again. He hadn’t skipped meals and he wasn’t so far gone to leave the room if Tony came in, but he did make sure Steve was always between them and he hadn’t so much as stepped foot on the stairs that led to the lab.

Eleven days and finally he’d sought Tony out at breakfast, standing on the other side of the table and nearly whispering as he said, “My arm hurts, Tony. It hurts all the time. Do you think you can help with that?”

“I can absolutely help with that.” Tony had looked delighted that Bucky had even asked, delighted and maybe a little relieved and that was when Bucky realized that despite the calm words and constant reassurances, Tony had been just as afraid as him that his breakdown had ruined all their progress. “We should try it in the living room this time. Soft couches, softer lights?” he had raised his eyebrows hopefully. “Sound okay?” 

So here they were with music playing in the background and JARVIS’s calm voice set to a low volume as blue lights lit up all up and down Bucky’s arm and the AI relayed the information to Tony’s servers in the lab. Tony was tracing lines on Bucky’s fingers and across his palm and up his wrist following the grooves of the metal plates, his eyes bright with awe as he tried to figure out the construction of the arm and the easiest ways to make adjustments.

“What’s a four letter word– name of a 2012 Affleck film and brand of cornstarch?” Steve tapped his pencil on the puzzle. “Tony, who’s  _Affleck_?”

“Argo.”

“Okay then, who’s  _Argo_ Affleck?”

“No.” Tony laughed as he tried to fit his fingers around Bucky’s wrist and couldn’t quite manage to make it. “No the name of the film and the cornstarch is  _Argo_ , Ben Affleck is the actor. The word you’re looking for is  _Argo_.”

“Oh.” Steve scribbled in the answer and kept working.

“Can you feel this?” Tony rapped on Bucky’s forearm and he shook his head. “Really? Not at all?”

“It’s um– It’s pressure?” Bucky ventured, rotating his arm purely because Tony’s eyes sparked in interest when the plates all shifted and realigned. “I know you’re touching me because I can see it, but all I feels is pressure.”

“Okay.” Tony squinted down at the pieces at Bucky’s elbow. “JARVIS? I need individual sizes on all of these. Show me how they fit together.”

“ _Yes sir._ ”

“And Spangles, don’t think I don’t see you down there doing your puzzle like a boring old man.” Tony continued, smoothing his thumb over a surprisingly uneven patch on Bucky’s bicep. “Act a little more like a hundred year old, huh? My god, just go ahead and break out those high waisted khakis. Bucky, this is weird right here, what is this?”

“Technically, you’re both just as old as me.” Steve said absentmindedly. “Up in the sky, it’s a horse, it’s a car, it’s a– a cord? Seven letters.”

“Charger.” Tony answered. “And that is a terrible clue, what puzzle are you doing? That seems awful. And by the way? I am definitely  _not_ a hundred. I’m thirty five and holding.”

“Thirty five?” Bucky asked and Tony winked at him conspiratorially. “The bump is where Stevie got his shield into me. They just sorta welded me shut.”

“Okay I can fix that.” Tony kept going, working his way up Bucky’s arm and pushing his t-shirt out of the way. “JARVIS, I need an internal scan so I can see how it’s connected inside, I’m hoping we’re just looking at the shoulder blade but being this heavy, it’s more likely they grafted the arm right into his sternum.”

“It’s into my chest.” Bucky said quietly and both Tony and Steve’s eyes lifted to meet his. “The scars are–” he motioned over his heart. “– clear over to here. If I rotated my shoulder I can feel it pulling.”

“Jesus.” Steve looked away again, obviously bothered by the thought of Bucky being altered clear through the middle of his body. “Um. Nine letters, someone who is most likely to whine about wine.”

“Sommelier.” Tony kept one hand on Bucky’s shoulder but sifted the other into Steve’s hair and tugged lightly until Steve tipped his head back against Tony’s knee, his eyes closed tight and breath hitching. “Or alternatively,  _Tony Stark_. Because according to Ms. Potts, I whine like nobody’s business it I don’t approve of the alcohol I’m served at a restaurant.”  

“That doesn’t surprise me at all.” Steve tried for a smile, but he kept his eyes closed and Tony played with his hair for a moment longer before turning back to Bucky and flattening his palm against the broad chest.

“I can do a lot to make this easier on you if you let me.” Tony could feel the thick ridges of scars through the shirt and just below that, the unforgiving plate of metal that spanned Bucky’s shoulder nearly to his heart, the anchor for the weight of his left arm. “But I can’t do much about where they attached it.That’s some pretty serious surgery and probably several procedures–” he grimaced. “You don’t want that and to be honest, I don’t want to see you go through it.” 

“It’d just be nice not to hurt every day.” Bucky watched grief and anger mixing with  _sorrow_ across the beautiful brunettes face and then looked down and saw all the same emotions on Steve as well. “It’s alright Stevie, don’t look like that.  Don’t look like that, I’m alright.”

“Well you’re sure  _gonna_ be.” Tony decided. “I’ve got just buckets of money and way too much time on my hands and I am about to dedicate it all to making you feel better.” 

Bucky didn’t know if Tony had forgotten about his hand or if he’d left it there on purpose, but either way, he didn’t say anything and just hoped Tony didn’t either.

Bucky might not have felt anything on his arm but he could feel the warmth of Tony’s palm burning into his skin, could feel the idle circles Tony was drawing over his chest, could feel the weight as he breathed and it was–

It was–

_Things I never expected after Hydra: Finding Steve. Finding Tony. Second Chances. Warmth._

****************

*****************

_I know everything about Stevie but nothing about Tony and that makes me sad._

_I used to love him_

_I love him_

_I thought I knew him but I don’t know anything._

“Tony.”

Steve wasn’t with them today, the first time in several days he hadn’t sat at Tony’s feet with a puzzle or a book as Tony worked his way through the mechanics of Bucky’s arm and while it was a little nerve wracking to be alone with Tony, Bucky was sort of grateful for the chance.

Steve had told him to  _stop overthinking_  but that was hard to do after his breakdown, it was hard not to overthink when Tony and Steve were so  _easy_ together and around each other. They moved in tandem and smiled and laughed and kissed and they both so obviously loved each other and yet still had room for Bucky and it almost made him jealous.

But Bucky wasn’t jealous of  _them_. 

If it made any sense at all, Bucky was jealous because he used to  _understand_ the way Tony and Steve were together, he used to understand how easy it could be to put your arm around someone and pull them in for a kiss and know they would laugh and kiss you back, how easy and how  _simple_ love could be. 

He used to understand all of that and now he didn’t understand  _any_ of that and it didn’t make any sense but in a cold, lonely sort of way, Bucky was jealous of who he’d been so many years ago. The person that had understood love and the person that had swept Tony into his arms and the one who could tumble into bed and laugh and kiss and–

“Brooklyn.” Tony paused mid motion when Bucky didn’t say anything else. “You okay? What’s on your mind?”

“Will you tell me something about yourself?” Bucky stared down at his arm as Tony very carefully lifted the warped plate from his bicep and set it aside on the couch. “I don’t know anything about you.”

“You know plenty about me.” Tony lifted another piece just as carefully, frowning at the ruined piece. “How the hell did they not fix this better? I thought HYDRA tech was supposed to be mind blowing but they put you back together with a discount store welder.” 

“Tony.” Bucky tried again, licking his lips nervously. “What– what’s your favorite color?”

Tony finally looked up, noting the stress lines at the corner of Bucky’s eyes, the tense set to his jaw. “Alright, sure. My favorite color is red. Specifically hot rod red. Specifically whatever the most obnoxious shade of hot rod red is available at any given time.”

“My favorite color is red too.”

Tony winked at him. “I know Brooklyn. I remember.” 

Later, as he filed down the rough parts on a metal fitting, Tony said “My middle name is Edward and I have no idea why. I used to think I was named after my butler Jarvis? But his first name was Edwin, so I don’t know where Edward came from.”

And as he plugged in a sander and spread a sheet on the floor, “I went to college at fifteen. Got myself a handful of degrees and every once in awhile I make people call me Dr. Stark just to piss them off.”

“What kind of people?”

“Usually people who are arguing with me.” Tony dropped a pair of goggles over his eyes and motioned for Bucky to look away as sparks started to fly. “Because nothing shuts them up faster than trying to say ‘Tony’ or ‘Mr. Stark’ and me giving them my  _most_ aggravating smile and insisting ‘oh please, call me  _Doctor_ Stark’.”

Bucky chuckled over that so Tony kept talking, filling the silence as he worked and Bucky closed his eyes and listened to the story of how Tony met Colonel Rhodes and the resulting disaster that led to him being called Honeybear for the next almost thirty years. Tony talked about the first robot he built and the first one Honeybear had built and how he couldn’t manage to get rid of them so Dum-E and U lived in his lab even though these days they rested in a corner more often than not.

He told Bucky about not learning to drive until he was almost twenty three because he was used to being chauffeured around and he talked about discovering he was allergic to avocado after using it as a face mask– “A face mask?” Bucky asked and Tony pulled up a picture on his phone that made Bucky nearly spit his drink out. “Yeah, you’re laughing right now? But my skin is  _beautiful_.”

As he put the newly smoothed pieces back in Bucky’s arm Tony talked about his love for technology and how he’d wanted to invent since he was little. He smiled over how excited Bucky had been about the Stark Expo back then and how he’d hosted one just a few years previous and that some of the inventions would blow Bucky’s mind.

He avoided talking about Afghanistan, didn’t talk about his arc reactor or Obadiah or being Iron Man because they had time for those difficult conversations and right now while Bucky was smiling and those beautifully pale eyes looked so soft, Tony didn’t want to ruin the moment.

“I’m forty three.” he admitted. “When you knew me I was closer to twenty eight-ish and I’ll be the first to admit I don’t really know how that works, but I’m forty three now. Steve was gone for my last birthday and I didn’t say anything to him about it, so I’m swearing you to secrecy too. I haven’t celebrated a birthday since I moved from the Malibu house, no reason to start it up again.”

Sometime later Steve came down the stairs and stopped at the door when he heard Bucky laugh over a story about a cooking experiment gone wrong, the reason he didn’t ever eat chocolate lava cake anymore and Bucky said very softly, “I’d like to try baking with you someday, Tony.”

“Brooklyn, I would be so much less upset about chocolate cake exploding all over the kitchen if you were there to clean it up with me.” Tony declared and Bucky grinned and Tony grinned and Steve backed away without saying anything, more than willing to let them have a moment alone.

And that night after dinner when Steve took Tony’s hand and kissed his knuckles Bucky didn’t feel as jealous, as out of place, as much like he didn’t understand.

_Things I know about Tony_

_His middle name is Edward and he is forty three_

_He explodes chocolate cake…somehow._

_His is beautiful when he laughs_

_I miss holding him_

*********************

*********************

_Sometimes Steve looks at me like he feels guilty and I don’t know why._

_I’m tired of being looked at with pity._

_Just want to feel normal again._

“I didn’t save you, did I?”

Bucky was making his  bed when Steve knocked at his door, the motions more habit than anything, the act of smoothing sheets and arranging blankets giving his mind a moment to settle before he went downstairs to face the day.

He didn’t answer when Steve spoke, just finished the mundane chore and then turned around to sit, meeting Steve’s eyes steadily and waiting for the blonde to continue.

“In Azzano.” Steve clarified. “I didn’t save you. I was too late, wasn’t I?”

“They’d already given me the serum.” Bucky said evenly. “Yeah.”

“Did you–” Steve’s folded his arms across his chest and tipped his chin up and that almost made Bucky smile– that stubborn posture usually meant Steve was a few minutes from breaking down but would go home with a bloody nose and a split lip before he backed away from a fight.

_Somethings never change._

“Did you know what they’d done to you right away? Or did you find out later when they– they took you again?”

“I knew right away.” Bucky’s left arm clicked and whirred as he tightened his hand into a fist. “I knew when you found me.”

“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” Steve whispered. “Howard worked on my serum, he could’ve checked you out. Maybe reversed it? Or even– even juiced you up so when you fell–”

The words failed and Steve coughed a few times. “Why didn’t you  _say_ anything, Buck?”

“Do you remember that night in London after Azzano?” Bucky kept staring down at his hands. “Before Peggy walked in wearing that real pretty dress and before I knew Tony was there. We were yelling at each other. I was mad cos you’d gone off and gotten tall and you were mad cos I’d gotten captured and you made some bullshit comment about how it was science so I  _couldn’t_ be mad and then you asked–” a quick sigh. “– you asked what had happened.”

“I remember.” Steve looked miserable, his face pale. “I remember. I asked you if you were alright and you couldn’t talk about it so I asked if you’d died and you said–”

“I said yes.” Bucky finished. “Said I thought they killed me. Maybe more than once, and that when you found me I didn’t think I was all the way back yet.”

He tried to smile then, but it was more of a grimace when he saw the pain in Steve’s eyes. “Stevie, I don’t think I ever came back all the way. Not  _ever_. I dunno what they did to me in Azzano but it hurt and afterwards I’d– I’d hear voices? Whispers in my head. Sometime I’d feel like someone was standing just behind me and ordering me to do stuff. I was cold all the time. You and I would wrestle and sometimes I knew I could break you in half if I tried. I  _knew_ I could do it.”

“They’d already tried to start your conditioning.” Steve put the rest of it together. “The serum wasn’t perfect and the conditioning hadn’t taken yet, but it was there anyway.” And then because he had to know, “Do you still feel like that? Cold? Whispers in your head?”

“S’like being held underwater.” Bucky said dully. “And just when I think I’m gonna drown, they let up. Except it’s only my nose above water. I can breathe enough to know I won’t drown that exact second, but what about the next second? And the one after that? Gotta keep fighting but I’m tired of fighting but if I give up, then what?”

“That stupid chair.” Metals fingers gripped at the mattress until it was collapsing beneath their hold. “That stupid chair in the lab. Thought I was gonna drown for good that time. Slipped right under and couldn’t breathe. Swore I was back with my handlers. Could feel my arm being strapped down and it hurt and I was cold, I’m still cold. I’m always  _cold_ and that time it was so damn real, Stevie.”

“ _Buck_.”

“I miss sleeping.” There it was, painful and sharp and brutally honest. “Haven’t slept in days. Maybe a week? Used to only sleep in cryo, they didn’t let me sleep on missions. Cryo was the only time I didn’t hurt, only time I rested. I miss it, I actually miss it and that makes me feel–” 

Bucky shook his head in disgust. “Some days I pretend I’m fine well enough that I think it’s true. And you and I laugh like old times and Tony and I are getting closer and then I lay on my bed at night and everything comes back and what if– what if I’m lying to you guys? What if I’m not better? What if what happened in the lab a few weeks ago wasn’t a flashback and is just my conditioning kicking back in? What if it happens again?”

“Then we’ll get through it.” Steve moved to sit next to him like he’d done so many times in the last four or five months, wedging close and putting an arm around Bucky’s shoulders. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there in time in Azzano, Buck. I was off fucking around on a stage and didn’t know what was going on but–”

“That ain’t your fault, Stevie.”

“–but this time I’m here.” Steve pulled Bucky tighter. “I’m  _here_. End of the line, just like we always said. And yeah, we thought it would be picket fences and rocking chairs and growing old together but it can be flashbacks and sort of being forever thirty and trying to figure out whatever the hell  _Gangnam Style_  is–” Bucky breathed a laugh. “– and we’ll figure it out. End of the line, just like we promised.”

“End of the line.” Bucky repeated.

When Steve went to leave, Bucky shook his head and asked him to stay, telling him, “I held your skinny ass enough times so you were warm enough to sleep, think it’s about time you return the favor.” and Steve tucked no less than six blankets around Bucky and then lay down on top of them, hugging up against Bucky’s back and holding him close.

“Talk to me.” Bucky said tiredly. “The noise reminds me I’m not alone.”

When Tony came up the stairs hours later looking for them for dinner, Steve was propped up on his elbow talking quietly to a Bucky shaped pile of blankets, telling him about discovering that they were comic book characters now, that the historians  _definitely_ got the stories wrong because Steve knew he hadn’t been  _quite_ that cheesy and he most certainly  _hadn’t_ been an All American virgin, thank you and has Bucky seen the action figure dolls yet?  _They are hilarious_.

Tony listened outside the door for a few minutes, smiling when he heard Bucky snoring, then went back downstairs to put dinner back into the takeaway containers and into the fridge.

It could wait.

_Stevie feels guilty for not being there in Azzano._

_I’m just glad he’s here now._

_I slept for the first time in days last night, woke up to Stevie jabbering about how clothing styles are weird now._

_He’s such a dumbass_

_My best friend._

********************

********************

_I don’t understand how Tony was in our lives back then and still is here now_

_Time travel is impossible_

_I’m afraid to ask about it_

_Maybe I shouldn’t ask._

_I should just be happy to have him back._

_How many days until he decides it I’m not worth it?_

“Brooklyn.” Tony was understandably surprised to see Bucky down in the lab, his eyes darting over to the conspicuously chair-less spot in the middle of the room. “Hey. What are you doing?”

“I thought you were down here, but you weren’t.” Bucky got up from the couch, gesturing awkwardly around. “Figured you’d end up down here eventually so I’d just wait.”

“You could have come up to the penthouse.” The machines in the lab turned on as Tony walked past them, lights brightening and music playing from the speakers, the robots in the corner raising their levers and beeping quietly. “I was napping but you could have came and interrupted no problem. Did you need something?”

The only computer that didn’t turn on automatically required a password and Bucky waited until Tony had typed it in and turned back around to say, “I– I just wanted to see you.”

“Oh.” Would there ever be a time Tony’s smile didn’t fail to make Bucky’s heart skip a beat? “Well that’s pretty great Brooklyn, cos I wanted to see you too. Anything on your–”

“I don’t how to talk to you!” Bucky blurted and damn it, it wasn’t the right thing to say but he had to say it. “Over a month we’ve been doing this and I don’t know how to talk to you. It used to be so easy–” he softened his voice when he realized he was nearly yelling. “It used to be so easy, Tony. We could talk about anything or nothing and it was fine and now I don’t how to do that.”

“…okay.” Tony folded his arms and then unfolded them, scratched at his goatee and then his hair and Bucky wanted to curse at himself for making him uncomfortable. “Okay we– we can work on that.”

“You and Stevie are so good at it.” Bucky was whispering now. “I– I miss things being that easy. And most days I don’t think it’s ever going to be like that again. Not with everything–” he motioned towards Tony. “–not with everything that’s happened. Everything I  _did_. There’s so much between us now. Time and distance and HYDRA and my memories and I have a bunch of questions that I’m afraid to know the answers to and–”

_This was a bad idea._

“Never mind.” Bucky shoved his hands in his pockets. “Never mind. M’sorry I bothered you, jus’ gonna go find Stevie and–”

“You talk like you used to when you aren’t thinking about it.” Tony interrupted and Bucky stopped mid step. “Do you know that? If you’re upset or even when you’re laughing at something, you start talking like you used to. Your words get lazy and if I listen real hard I can hear just a little bit of your old accent.”

“Oh yeah?” 

“Yeah, I love it.” Tony put his hands in his pockets too, mirroring Bucky’s posture. “And by the way? Sometimes I don’t know how to talk to you either.”

 _What_?

“I have to remind myself that even though we were close during the war, really we didn’t spend that much time together.” he continued as if Bucky wasn’t staring at him in shock. “And since I was trying to pretend like I was from California and not you know, from 2012? I didn’t lie to you, Buck, but I had to leave a lot out about myself too. And relationships are always different when they aren’t long distance anymore, that’s totally normal. Needing to adjust? Totally normal at least according to the Cosmopolitan article I read.” 

Of course that wasn’t a reference Bucky really understood but he heard the self deprecating sarcasm in Tony’s words and that was enough. 

“You and I–” Tony looked down at his feet, chewing at the inside of his cheek as he thought through what he wanted to say. “Bucky, I pretend I’m okay  _a lot_  of the time. I talk to fill the silence and I always try to smile but that doesn’t mean I’m not just as nervous as you are. The difference is, I’ve had like eight months to get to the idea of you coming home and I worked through all my own stuff already. And yeah, I worked through a lot of it with Steve and I know it looks like he and I are doing really good and it probably feels like you’re playing catch up most days but it’s not a  _race_ , babe.”

“This isn’t a race to see which one of us adjusts the fastest.” he emphasized. “it’s not. Because we got time to figure it all out. I’ve got questions too, but we have time to figure out the answers.”

“Tony–”

“Hey hey listen.” Tony shook his head when Bucky tried to interrupt. “I know I’m saying a lot of things right now but let me just– just one more alright?”

Bucky nodded and Tony took two steps closer to him, close enough to touch if either of them were to reach out.

“Brooklyn, the only thing between us right now is this tiny bit of space. There’s no time that matters, it’s all gone. We’re back in the same moment together. No distance because I’m standing right here, we are both standing right  _here_. Questions? None that matter, not to me. Peggy told me–”

Tony’s voice caught and he breathed out slowly. “Peggy told me that time stands still when you love someone and seriously, you and I and Steve are proof of that. We made it back around together and I know we’ve still got a lot to figure out but I don’t care if learning how to talk to each other again takes us six days or six years or another half a century. I don’t care. I’m not going anywhere.”

He shrugged then, spreading his hands. “That’s it. That’s all I got. And now it’s your turn to say something because I just talked for like an hour and you’re staring at me sort of funny.”

“My turn?” Bucky smiled a little, then gathered his courage because he was suddenly feeling braver than he had in weeks and reached out for Tony’s hand, winding their fingers together and tugging gently until they were close enough that he could rest his forehead against Tony, close enough for him to see the gold in those whiskey warm eyes, close enough that if Tony stood on his toes their mouths would meet and  _oh_ that made Bucky’s heart pound in a way he’d thought it never would again.

“You okay?” Tony whispered uncertainly and Bucky whispered back. “M’not gonna wait another half a century to find you again.”

“Oh good.” Tony closed his eyes and inched closer. “That’s real good.”

“You called me babe.” 

Tony smiled then, squeezed at Bucky’s hand tighter. “Yeah, I do that sort of thing.” 

*******************

 **From Tony** :  _Good night, Spangles._

 **From Steve** :  _Goodnight sweetheart, I love you_

 **From Tony** :  _We should spend some time together tomorrow because while I love you, I also love you naked_

 **From Steve:**   _Oh my god, go to bed._

 **From Tony** :  _Good night, Brooklyn_

 **From Bucky** : _I miss you Tony_

 **From Tony** :  _I miss you too. Don’t worry, we’ll get there_

 **From Bucky** :  _And if we don’t?_

 **From Tony** :  _Then we’ll be just fine right where we are._

_Time stands still when you love someone_

_Tony loves me_

_We’ll figure it out_

_We have all the time in the world_


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky discovers that Tony knew he was going to fall off the train. Tissues are needed. I promise this is the last real angst of the fic!

Some days were bad. **  
**

Some days Bucky couldn’t leave his room, ordering the shades drawn and the lights off as he sat in the corner by his bed with his knees drawn to his chest and eyes staring wide at nothing. Those days he had to force himself to _breathe_ , had to tell himself to remember to blink, had to keep one hand over his heart to make sure he knew it was beating.

Those days even JARVIS might trigger him, so the AI disengaged all systems but a vitals monitor that relayed stats to Tony’s lab so they at least knew that Bucky was breathing.

Those days Steve sat outside Bucky’s door and talked quietly, a low monotone listing fact after fact from Bucky’s life, never knowing what information might bring Bucky back, thinking maybe just the sound of his voice was enough to keep Bucky level. Steve was familiar, a presence in most of Bucky’s earliest memories and maybe just  _maybe_ that was enough to keep the former Soldier grounded.

Those days Tony went to the market and bought plums and left them next to Steve with a note “ _See you soon, Brooklyn_.” so if when Bucky managed to pull himself back from the brink he had something to eat and a reminder that it wasn’t just Steve that was there for him, that Tony was waiting for him too.  

Some days it was Steve who struggled. Some days he went for a run that lasted hours, taking to the pavement and pounding away mile after mile with no real clue where he was going or why he was running. He hid beneath a hoodie and sweatpants and sunglasses, his head down and headphones in to block out as much of the world as he could and some days he didn’t stop until his heart was near to bursting, breathing painful and side cramping.

Some days he had to hold his phone in shaking fingers and stammer out, “Tony, I don’t know where I am, I just kept running–” and Tony would activate the GPS in the phone and drive out to get him.

Then there were blankets warm from the dryer to stop the shivers and Rocky Road ice cream to keep him grounded and if Bucky was okay he’d come and sit on one side of Steve while Tony curled into his other side and if Bucky  _wasn’t_ okay, then Tony just crawled onto Steve’s lap and wound his fingers into the blonde hair and held him close.

Some days Steve left bruises at Tony’s side because he couldn’t seem to let go and Tony never complained about it. Some days Bucky barreled through Steve’s door and tackled him onto the bed to force him to sleep because it had worked when they were kids, it was sure to work now.

And every once in a while, it was Tony that needed help making it through a day. 

It wasn’t very often– or at least not very often that Bucky and Steve saw it– but sometimes the lab would be lit to almost blinding, the music muted and machines running silent and Tony would be staring at absolutely nothing at the wall, his hands too tight around a glass of something alcoholic. His eyes were too wide and his shoulders were too tense and the first time Bucky had walked in on it, Tony had changed in an instant, turning with a ready smile and quick conversation and asking JARVIS to return the lab to normal setting as if nothing was wrong at all, as if he were too concerned with how Bucky was feeling to even acknowledge his own struggle. 

The second time it happened, Steve was there too and reacted before Bucky could, rushing over to check Tony’s temperature, to order the lights dimmed, dumping the alcohol and rubbing at Tony’s arms and hands to work the feeling back into them.

“Hey hey hey, you’re home.” he said over and over. “Tony, you’re home. Bucky’s home, I’m home. We’re all here. It’s fine.”

And after a third time, when it was just Bucky again and Tony hadn’t been able to hide his breakdown fast enough, he admitted, “It’s space. I dream about space. And it’s cold and it’s dark and it’s supposed to be quiet but it wasn’t. Space isn’t quiet. I could hear everything. And it was supposed to be empty but it wasn’t. It was  _full_ and it was all coming at me and that’s not– that’s not how I thought it would be.”

Bucky didn’t know what to say and Tony finished in a whisper, “I used to dream about knowing the stars and now I don’t even like to walk outside at night.”

Bucky didn’t know what to say but he reached for Tony anyway, linking their fingers and pulling him up off the chair to lead him out of the lab and up into the living room.

“What are we doing?” Tony asked wearily and as Bucky tucked a blanket around Tony’s shoulders he admitted, “I dunno. But I gotta do something, right? You always do something for me, I gotta do something for you.” 

“We’re a mess, aren’t we?” Tony still couldn’t quite manage a smile when Steve came back from the store and promptly diverted to sit next to him. “Look at us.”

“We’re a mess.” Steve agreed, but he wrapped an arm around Bucky’s shoulders and added, “But at least we’re all together, right?”

Some days were bad and none of them knew exactly the right ways to cope, exactly the right ways to deal with their own issues, much less the right way to handle times when each of them were all just a bit of kilter. 

Some days were bad.

But some days were good. 

Some days they talked over coffee and watched crappy day time soap operas while squished onto the couch and spent the evenings playing board games. 

Some days Bucky could find the courage to reach for Tony’s hand and hold it gently, his breath catching when Tony would grin over at him. 

Some days Steve and Bucky laughed and it was just like old times, easy conversation and sarcasm and teasing jabs at each other while cooking dinner and it was like no time had passed at all, they could be back in their crappy apartment talking with the brunette that had more or less woken up in their alley. 

Some days the bad memories were barely a blip on their radar and more and more, bit by bit, the good day finally started to out number the bad ones and that’s how they knew things were going to be okay.

Steve snatched Tony down into his lap one morning over breakfast and they shared a rather messy kiss that ended with Tony straddling Steve’s thighs and Steve whispering something about trying out that line in that one song and Tony shouting with laughter, “What? Whips and chains excite you!? That is the  _last_ time you listen to Rihanna.”

“It’s a catchy tune.” Steve argued, to which Bucky replied, “Stevie. I didn’t wanna watch ya kiss anyone back then, don’t wanna watch it now neither. Cut it out. You look like you’re wrestlin’ a seal and don’t sound much better.”

Tony laughed so hard he would have fallen off the chair if Steve hadn’t been holding on and Bucky laughed too, catching Tony’s eye and winking at him.

It was easier to see Steve and Tony together now, easier to not be jealous of what they had now that Bucky and Tony had their  _own_ something special that grew in inches and tiny tiny steps with every smile they shared. 

On the good days it just felt  _right_ for Tony to kiss Steve good morning and then to sit a little closer and squeeze at Bucky’s hand to whisper, “Good morning, Brooklyn.” and on the good days, it felt like maybe he and Bucky would ‘get there’ sooner rather than later and on the good days, Bucky felt like he might actually be capable of that sort of thing again. 

Another good day and Tony was working on Bucky’s arm in the living room, a sheet spread over the floor to keep any grease or dirt, an assortment of tools scattered around and The Six Million Dollar Man playing on the television behind them.

“That why you think my arm is cool?” Bucky nodded towards the TV. “Movies like this where they recreated people like robots?”

“My fascination with this particular appendage has nothing to do with my admittedly terrible taste in movies.” Tony mumbled around the screwdriver in his mouth. “Most of it really does stem from a desire to erase every bit of HYDRA from you that I can manage. I’d rip it off and build you a new one if I could, but we’re not quite there yet, so instead I’m going to fix what I can and hope that every little bit helps you feel better. I don’t want you to hurt anymore, Brooklyn.” 

“Oh.” Bucky’s voice sounded hoarse even to his own ears and Tony’s smile was on the shy side. “So if that’s the reason behind  _most_ of your fascination, what’s the rest of it?”

“Make a fist.” Tony instructed and Bucky obeyed. “Okay now flex for me?” Tony’s eyes glowed when Bucky obeyed that too, the plates shifting and clicking and gears audibly re-calibrating. “Oh yeah,  _there_ it is.”

“You– you like the noise it makes?” Bucky asked in confusion. “Why?”

“Bucky bear.” Tony didn’t even have the decency to blush. “I’ve been building computers since I was a kid, designing robots and all sorts of tech for decades now. If you don’t think new tech full of fancy things strapped to a gorgeous soldier does it for me?” he waggled his eyebrows. “You haven’t seen  _anything_ yet.”

“So Tony’s weird about his tech, huh?” Bucky asked later that evening as he and Steve played backgammon and Steve looked up curiously. “He was working on my arm earlier.” Bucky gestured with his left hand. “Said something about how fancy things strapped to soldiers does it for him?”

“Oh.” Steve’s expression cleared. “Oh yeah. No question about it. Tony is definitely horny for technology. The first time he saw me use one of those new fangled smartphones was probably the best sex we’ve ever had. All I did was use it to check the weather and he jumped my bones.”

“ _Steve_!” Tony squawked from halfway across the living room and Bucky about collapsed with laughter when the aforementioned smart phone winged through the air and bounced of Steve’s head. “You can’t just say things like that! What’s wrong with you!?”

“You told Bucky you were horny for his arm, sweetheart.” Steve gently tossed Tony’s phone back at him. “How is what I said any different?”

“Bucky and I were flirting.” Tony scowled at him. “You’re just being a punk.”

“Were you though?” Steve deadpanned. “Because it sounds less like you were flirting and more like you and his arm needed to get a room.”

“Goddammit.” Here came the phone again and Steve snatched it without even looking up from his game. “If you still weighed ninety pounds, I’d drag you into an alley and beat your ass.”

Bucky didn’t think he’d ever laughed so hard in his life when Steve calmly replied, “Ninety pound me could take you without even trying.” and Tony jumped off the couch to smack him with a pillow that did nothing more than bounce harmlessly off Steve’s chest. “Aw honey, you’re so tough.” and Tony screeched a war cry that turned into shrieking giggles as Steve wrestled him to the ground and proceeded to tickle him into submission.

Some days were good days and eventually  _most_ days were good days and that was when Tony decided it was time to let other people back into their lives, time to stop hiding away in the Tower as just the three of them. 

“The real world exists whether we want it to or not.” He informed Steve one night as he texted Rhodey his plans. “And we have to face it eventually, right? Peggy would be all sorts of irritated if she knew I basically haven’t gone outside since her service.” 

“Fine.” Steve grumbled. “But for the record? I prefer the three of us just living here.”

Bucky preferred that too, but he kept his mouth shut and and managed a smile when Clint and Natasha dropped by. 

They had cautiously polite greetings for Bucky, handshakes and slaps on the back for Steve and Tony had only made it a foot through the door when Clint swooped down and nearly smothered him in a hug. Natasha was more reserved, but still gave Tony a kiss on the cheek before going to unlock her and Clint’s room and put their bags away. 

Sam showed up only to tell Steve and Bucky to  _suit the hell up_  so they could go for a run, then to still be grumbling hours later over pizza because Bucky didn’t even  _know_ about the ‘on your left’ thing and he’d still lapped Sam at least twice while running backwards and finger gunning at him.

“The only reason I’m not more pissed off is cos it’s good to see you laughing.” Sam conceded when Bucky handed him a beer. “Last time we hung out all you did was scowl murderously in my direction so you know, this is a nice change.”

“Last time we were in the same room, we were fugitives.” Bucky pointed out. “Wasn’t in a real laughing mood. And if you weren’t obnoxious, maybe I wouldn’t scowl so much.”

“Gonna be like that, huh?.” Sam lifted his beer in a salute. “It’s on, Frosty. Steve, how are things going on your end?

“We’re fine.” Steve answered for Bucky, tucking into his sixth slice of pizza and ignoring Clint’s protest about super soldiers eating all the food. “Most days are pretty good and it seems like we have a handle on the bad ones. Bucky and I go for a run a few times a week and we haven’t had any issues being out and about and attracting any attention.” 

“What about–” Natasha inclined her head meaningfully towards Tony. “–How’s our resident genius holding up? He didn’t let us around much while you two were gone and we’ve been too busy picking up the pieces of SHIELD to come by lately. Is he alright?”

“I uh–” Steve glanced over at Tony who was chatting amiably via video to Colonel Rhodes. “I don’t think he’s as okay as he says he is, but it’s getting better.”

“He’s sad when he thinks we don’t see him.” Bucky muttered and Steve frowned in agreement. “Cos you know, two highly observant super soldiers with perfect vision and tactical training don’t notice when someone’s faking? But he looks sad if he thinks we aren’t watching.” 

“Yeah well, cut him some slack.” Sam held his hands up peacefully when Steve’s eyes narrowed in his direction. “We’re all just having a good time, so I’m not gonna play counselor with you guys. I’m just saying, remember that Tony is the type of person to care first about  _you_ , and only then about himself, which means he’s probably so focused on the two of you being okay that he’s giving himself enough time to process and work through things too. Just be patient.”

Steve nodded so Sam changed the subject to something less intense, cracking jokes with Clint when he wandered over for more food, and teasing Natasha about her newly blonde hair.

Bucky kept looking over at Tony though, wondering what it was that Tony was still processing that made him look sad, and unable to shake the feeling that it had something to do with 

_What did I do that he can’t talk to me about?_

*******************

Colonel Rhodes came by to take Tony to a baseball game a few days later, coaxing him out of the lab and away from Bucky and Steve with the promise of nachos and soft pretzels and one of those giant foam fingers and Tony kissed Steve for a long minute before pulling away, then squeezed Bucky’s hand tight, telling him to “Call me if you need me, alright Brooklyn?” as Rhodey dragged him out the door.

“I made plans with Sam and Clint in DC.” Steve told him after Tony was gone. “I thought Tony would be home all day today with you, but since he’s out, do you want to come along?”

“No.” Bucky said immediately, honestly. He liked Clint just fine and he and Sam had developed something of a rapport over the last week or so, but he barely liked leaving the Tower at all, much less to visit a place like DC where the Soldier had wreaked havoc not once, but  _twice_ in the past year. “No, I don’t want to go to DC.”

“Hey.” Steve’s eyes softened. “We’re not going to really do much. Maybe watch a movie, have a few beers. Sam needs help fixing up his porch. Nothing in public and nothing high stress.”

“I’d rather stay here.” Bucky looked away from the disappointment in Steve’s eyes. “This is the only place I feel safe, Stevie. I’d rather be here alone than out somewhere and panicking.”

“I’ll cancel and stay here–”

“No.” Bucky shook his head before Steve could even start a text message. “Go on.”

“Buck–”

“Stevie.” Bucky raised his voice. “You’ve been stuck with me for almost six months now without a break. Go on and see your friends. Nothing’s going to happen to me. Gonna work out and probably take a nap– I’m an old man. Let me rest.”

“Old man?” Steve snorted but he still looked worried. “You’ll call me if you need something? You can sleep in my bed if you need to be somewhere comfortable. Tony won’t care if you spend the day in his room but since you guys haven’t really gotten to that point–”

“Goddammit Stevie, get out of here! I can manage a nap by myself, you punk!”

“Jerk!” Steve retorted automatically, then he grinned because he loved whenever Bucky slipped back into familiar speech and familiar habits. “Call me, alright?”

“I’ll call if I need you.” Bucky said begrudgingly. “Now go on and git.”

Steve hadn’t been gone more than ten minutes before the elevator dinged open and Pepper stepped out, sending a surprised smile Bucky’s way. “Bucky! Are you here by yourself? That’s odd, I didn’t think Steve went more than twenty seconds without being attached to either you or Tony.” 

“M’happier about Steve not being attached to my side than you’d think.” he said easily and her smile stretched wider. “Colonel Rhodes took Tony out and Stevie’s on his way to Sam’s so I was gonna take a nap and enjoy the quiet.”

“Mmm yes, I’m sure it’s never quiet here at all. Definitely enjoy it while you can.” Pepper clicked past on a pair of those ridiculously high shoes she always wore, heading straight to the kitchen for a snack. “I’m going to grab a quick bite and then  have to get a file from Tony’s room because he didn’t send it in on time and then I’ll be out of your way so you can have your afternoon.”

“Yes ma’am.” Bucky hesitated for a few seconds and then– “Ms. Potts? Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.” Pepper poked her head out of the kitchen. “And it’s just Pepper. Honestly. The only people who call me Ms. Potts are people that are scared of me.” 

“Colonel Rhodes and Tony and Steve all call you Ms. Potts.” Bucky pointed out and Pepper waggled her eyebrows teasingly. 

“Oh I’m well aware. Now then, what’s on your mind? Is everything alright?” 

“Um–” Bucky had to force the words past his embarrassment, past the nagging feeling that maybe he should just leave it alone, that asking after Tony still wasn’t really his business after everything  ~~he~~ the Soldier had done.. “Is– is Tony okay? Do you know if he’s okay?”  

Pepper paused mid bite into a granola bar. “…what do you mean is he okay? What’s been going on?’ 

“I mean–” Bucky stared down at his feet. “–He talks to Steve ‘bout what he’s going through and sometimes he talks to me. But mostly it just feels like he isn’t sayin’ things that need said and I thought maybe– maybe he told you? And maybe you can tell me?” 

Pepper was silent and Bucky spread his hands helplessly. “M’not good at this. Too much of a mess most days to know what to say to him and even on the good days there’s a whole lot–” he cleared his throat. “– y’know there’s a whole lot about me that Tony has a right to  _not_ be okay with, but–”

“No.” Pepper interrupted him with a quick shake of her head. “Bucky, I can promise you that whatever is going on with Tony has nothing to do with  _anything_ you’ve done. He’s made his peace with his parents passing–” Bucky grimaced and she clicked her tongue sympathetically. “– and he convinced an entire nation that everything else that happened was the result of HYDRA and not of you, please don’t even think for one single second that he still has issues with any of that.”

“Then why does he look at me like–” Bucky cast about for the right word. “It’s  _regret_. He looks at me like he regrets… something. Like he regrets me. Bringing me home? I dunno. Do you know why he looks like that?”

“Oh.” Pepper folded the rest of her granola bar into her purse and sighed. “Oh Bucky, it’s not what you think it is. Tony doesn’t regret bringing you home or anything along those lines.”

“Then what is it?”

“You should talk to him about this.” She pursed her lips. “And you’re right, it’s probably regret but not in the way you’re thinking. But Tony once told me that counting down the days to saying goodbye to you was the hardest thing he’d ever done. That knowing he had to lose you tore him up inside. I think maybe he looks at you and sees all the years you guys lost, and he’s still coming to terms with having the chance to have that time back? Or at least having the chance to recapture it.”

Bucky just stared at her and Pepper sighed again. “I’m not saying this very well. Sam told me that he thinks Tony is coping at a slower pace than you and the Captain are? And I think that when he looks regretful, it’s because he’s still coming to terms with all the time he missed out on. You and Steve had the months together overseas to work through some of this sort of thing, right?”

“…right.” Bucky nodded dumbly. “We– yeah.”

“Tony has been so busy juggling your recovery and helping Steve along the way and trying to keep his own world centered, I think he’s just working through it all a little slower. But don’t worry.” her smile brightened. “I’ve seen you and Tony together and the way he smiles at you? It will work out. You two will be fine. Don’t look too deeply into it right now, alright?”

“Tony–” Bucky started then stopped, wetting his lips and trying to quell the urge to put his fist through a wall because he  _must_ have misunderstood her, he couldn’t have  _possibly_ heard– “You said that  _knowing_ he had to say goodbye to me tore him up?”

“Of course it did.” Pepper said gently. “I can’t even imagine what he went through, knowing every day was one step closer to the end. But that’s why he’s so happy he gets a second chance with you.”

“Right. Right.” Bucky’s entire body felt numb. “A second chance.”

Pepper said something else, but Bucky wasn’t listening and he barely managed a wave goodbye when she went upstairs to retrieve the file before leaving.

_Tony knew I was going to fall?_

***********************

Tony was whistling as he came home from the baseball game, his cheeks red from the sun and eyes still sparkling after a day laughing with his best friend and he called for Bucky as he came into the living room, asking JARVIS, “Where’s Bucky, J?”

“ _Sergeant Barnes is downstairs in your lab, sir._ ”

“Great, thanks.” Tony put aside the souvenirs Rhodey had bought him and stashed the rest of his oversized soda in the fridge and headed down the stairs at a jog.

He was feeling good today, energized and optimistic and he  _really_ wanted to push Bucky onto the couch in the lab and kiss him until that Brooklyn accent was back in full force and those gorgeous eyes were melting hot. There’s been a few times lately that he thought Bucky had leaned in for at least a hug and pulled away at the last minute, a few times when Tony had sat closer on the couch and Bucky’s eyes had lit up and Tony had been oh so tempted to jump right over those boundaries they had and see what would happen if they just  _kissed_. 

But he’d told Bucky he was okay with waiting, that they had all sorts of time to figure everything out, and he was sticking it that. 

Besides, just the chance to hold hands and sit close to each other was more than Tony had ever expected to have again and now that he had it, he never wanted to let go. He’d be happy with a few smiles and a laugh from his soldier and if Bucky was downstairs already maybe they could have a few moments to themselves before–

“Brooklyn.” It was weird that the lights in the lab were mostly off, but Tony grinned anyway when he caught sight of Bucky sitting at his desk. “I’m real happy to see you, babe. Have you ever been to a baseball game? Did you and Steve ever go back in the day? Because I think you would love the–”

Tony stopped when he got close enough to see Bucky’s face, the blank eyes and empty expression. “Bucky? Honey, what’s wrong?”

“You knew.” Bucky said slowly, evenly and Tony blinked at him in confusion.

“I knew what?”

“You knew about the train.” Bucky said in that same flat tone. “And you knew I was going to fall.”

Tony’s heart did something  _awful_ in his chest. He’d known they would have to have this talk eventually but he wasn’t ready for it yet. “Bucky–” 

“I didn’t let myself think about the time travel thing.” Bucky continued. “I told myself that it didn’t matter, that stranger things had happened. You know like super soldiers and weapons that were sorta magic and cryo-sleep and Stevie surviving in the ice for seventy years and aliens and all that. You droppin’ through a wormhole and ending up in my time is just–” he shrugged. “–might as well happen, right? S’not as weird as other stuff I’ve seen.

Tony swallowed audibly and Bucky’s expression never changed. “Didn’t let myself think about it, seemed like too much of a miracle to even be seeing you again so it never occurred to me that you would’a known. Howard’s your dad, you would’a known all the stories bout us and the Commandos. Knew who me and Stevie were when you met us. Knew about Stevie gettin’ all tall and that I’d survive Azzano and  _that_ means you knew I’d fall.”

“I– I– Bucky—” Tony was  _reeling_ , caught off guard and suddenly feeling dizzy, gripping at the table hard enough to leave marks in his palms. “Brooklyn, just wait a second.”

“You knew the night of the fair, didn’t you? When I told you I loved you?”

“I–”  The color leeched from Tony’s face and left him ghostly pale. “Yes.” 

“You knew when we said goodbye?” 

“Bucky please–” Tony was biting through his lip hard enough to make it bleed. “Let me say something, okay?” 

“You let me sit there and talk about a future I wanted for us and you knew I wouldn’t be around to make it happen.” Bucky’s eyes finally flickered, his left hand clenching in anger. “Must’ve made it real easy for you to say yes to all of it, knowing you wouldn’t ever have to make good on your promise. You knew I’d be gone and you knew Steve would wake up in seventy years. You’d get him back so it was fine, right?”  

“ _Fuck_.” Tony wrenched away from the words, wrapping both arms around his middle as if he might split apart. “Bucky  _stop_. Let me explain.”

“Let you  _explain_?” Bucky stood up, massive in the mostly dark lab, the silver on his arm almost menacing in the shadows. “Let you explain what? Why you didn’t stop me from goin’ on that mission? Why you didn’t tell me? You said you loved me but– but you let me go anyway? Were you lyin’ to me? All those sweet things you said, was it all a lie?”

“I wasn’t–” Tony muffled a sob. “I wasn’t lying. Bucky, I wasn’t lying. I’m sorry, I’m  _so sorry_ , I–”

“Just tell me if you knew.” Bucky sounded like he was begging for Tony to say no, pleading for Tony to  _please_ lie to him this time around. “Tell me if you knew, Tony.” 

“Please–” Tony turned back around, reached a hand out for Bucky. “Bucky you  _have_ to believe me–” 

“Tell me why you didn’t save me.” Bucky said then, and the words were like a physical slap, echoing in the air between them. “Every time I tried to escape, I was trying to get home to ya. And they’d drag me back and they’d  _hurt_ me and they’d try’ta to reprogram me but I kept tryin’ to leave. Kept telling myself that I had to make it back to my fella, had to make it back to you.”

“Bucky.” Tony hated that Bucky sounded  _Brooklyn_ right now, a heart breakingly familiar roll to the vowels, the lazy way he dragged the words. So many times he’d dreamed about hearing Bucky talk like this again and now it was– now it was– “Oh my god. I don’t even know what to say right now. It’s not what you think–”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have even been trying.” Bucky whispered back. “How can you say you loved me when you let them do that to me, Tony? It would’ve been kinder if ya just broke my heart and left me alone.” 

Bucky left without another word and when the doors swished shut behind him, Tony crumpled to his knees and was sick all over the floor.

***********************

***********************

Steve was angrier than Bucky had ever seen him before, punching a hole through the wall and ignoring his bleeding knuckles in favor of shouting, “WHAT IN THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? Tony’s fucking gone, took his car up the highway when he’s probably crying to hard to see straight and you let him go? WHAT IN THE FUCK BUCKY?! WHAT IF HE GETS HURT?” 

“What the hell was I thinking?” Bucky was too  _empty_ to even be angry, too shaken by the knowledge that Tony had known, his mind running round and round with awful thoughts of  _lies lies lies_ to focus on worrying about Tony or how pissed off Steve was or anything else. “I was thinkin’ that the fella I promised my heart to knew I was gonna goddamn die, knew I was gonna get snatched and turned into the Winter Soldier and he sent me off on the mission anyway.”

“You’re wrong! You’re wrong, that’s not–” another punch through the wall, this one accompanied by the unsettling crack that was Steve’s hand breaking. “Ow ow ow son of a bitch, son of a  _bitch_.” 

Any other time Bucky would scolded Steve for his language, but he couldn’t even muster a comment about that, hugging his arms to his stomach as cold worked down into his bones, freezing him from the inside out until his skin felt as numb as his heart. 

“Okay yes–” Steve shook out his hand, cursing at the pain. “ _Yes_ , Tony knew you were going to fall just like he knew I was going to go in the ice. But the only reason I put the plane in the ice was because  _I_ was torn up over you. How do you think he felt saying goodbye to you? He knew it all had to happen because if you didn’t fall then I wouldn’t put the plane in the ice, and if I hadn’t put it down then I wouldn’t have woken up in time to save this timeline. He did it to save the world!” 

“Yeah he let me fall to save the world. That’s great Stevie. Real great. Noble sacrifice. Sure made it easy for him to move on, didn’t it?” There was no heat in Bucky’s words, no anger, nothing beyond a soul deep  _anguish_ tearing his voice ragged. “He knew he’d get you back, Stevie. Knew you were just fine. He let me go and thought it was okay cos losing me would push you over the edge and make it so you could save the world later on. He got you back. Got his best friend  _Spangles_ back and saved the world and you two got to kiss at the end of the day and I– I–”

Steve’s anger dropped away abruptly, his stomach clenching uncertainly as a  _thought_ worked its way forward. “Bucky.” he paused, hoping beyond hope that Bucky wasn’t suggesting–  _surely_ he didn’t think– “You don’t.. You don’t think Tony knew what happened to you, do you? Is that what this is about?”

“Him thinking I was gonna die and not saying anything isn’t bad enough?” Bucky said bitterly. “There’s gotta be something worse?” 

“No, I want you to tell me right now.” Steve dropped onto the couch next to Bucky and grabbed at his hand. “Bucky. You  _cannot_ think that Tony knew what was going to happen to you.  _No one_  knew what was going to happen to you.”

“Bull shit.” Bucky hung his head, his hair dropping down to cover his eyes. “All this technology, all the files Tony has his hands on? His dad and Peggy practically built SHIELD and then it turns out that SHIELD was just a front for HYDRA. All these years and all the information out there and I’m sposed to believe  _no one_  knew what happened to me? Tony had to have known.” 

“No, Bucky no.” Steve was whispering now. “No one knew. Me and the Commandos combed that valley for  _weeks_ for you and there wasn’t a sign. Not a drag mark, not a track, not a spot of blood. We didn’t find your body but we didn’t find anything  _else_ either. The first thing I did after waking up was try to figure out what happened to you. All anyone ever knew was that you fell off the train and were never seen again. That’s it. That was the only story I could find.”

“How can–how can all of this exist?” Bucky motioned around them to the Tower, up to the ceiling to include JARVIS. “All of this technology, they found you in the ice and managed to bring you back to life, figured out how to fight aliens and how to go faster than sound and all that– how can all  _this_ exist but no one ever knew what happened to me? How is that possible?”

Steve gripped Bucky’s hand hard enough to  _hurt_ as he said. “They erased you, Buck. Even when we got a hold of the HYDRA files and Tony decoded all of them– you weren’t there. The people that had you didn’t want you to exist, so they erased you. You weren’t anywhere.”

“But I was.” Tears were rolling down Bucky’s face now, the first time he’d cried since his breakdown over the chair. “I was  _there_ , Stevie. I was there and no one came for me. No one found me. I tried to escape, I tried so hard– how could no one know where I was? How did everyone forget about me? They looked for you for seventy damn years but no one looked for me?  _No one_?”  

“JARVIS.” Steve could barely get the words out, heartbreak warring with anger over the entire situation. “JARVIS bring up the footage after the incident in DC, after we found out about the Winter Soldier.”

A video screen folded down silently, the screen flickering to life with a scene of Tony in his lab surrounded by stacks and stacks of files, two different printers spitting out even more paper, every computer screen lit up with information.

“ _There has to be something, JARVIS!_ ” on-screen Tony shouted. “ _Bucky didn’t just disappear! He is out there somewhere and there has to be a clue!_ ”

“ _Sir, there is no record anywhere of Sergeant Barnes, not an identification number, not a picture, not a name_.”

“ _Look again. LOOK AGAIN! He has to be here_!”

The picture changed and this time it was Tony crying at his desk, the sobs audible even over the speakers.

Another scene and Tony was telling Steve, “ _I have downloaded every single file from the SHIELD database and Bucky isn’t here. There’s not even a mention of the Winter Soldier. He doesn’t exist but I know he does because he looked right at me and asked ‘Who the hell is Bucky?’ I have to find him, Steve. I have to find him._ ”

Another scene, Tony sprawled out on the couch, his words slurring with alcohol as he asked JARVIS, “ _Did I do this? If I would have stopped him from going on the train would I have saved him?_ ”

“ _Certain events will always take place to further the human cause, sir._ ” the AI replied and Tony said, “ _I want you to run statistics. If Bucky hadn’t fallen, what are the odds that we still would have captured Zola_?”

“ _There is no way to be sure, Sir_.”

“ _Do me a favor and run the statistics anyway_.”

Another scene, Tony staring down at a strip of pictures with tears running down his face. 

Another scene, Tony throwing a bottle against the wall and pacing back and forth with his hands in his hair. 

Another scene with a date stamp just a few days after the helicarriers had crashed– “ _J, if I’d saved Bucky would I have saved my parents_?”

_“J, what if we get Bucky home and he blames me for this?”_

_“J, what if he never comes home?”_

_“J, will I ever stop feeling guilty? Is it my fault? Seventy years and no one knew what happened to him, how could no one know? Why didn’t I save him? I should have been selfish and saved him.”_

_“…I should have told him and Steve the truth. It probably would have worked out, right? The world would be fine without Iron Man.”_

_“I wish I could go back to the fair and beg Bucky to run off with me. Beg him not to go on the mission.”_

“ _Tony_?” Steve on screen now, kneeling in front of Tony and pushing his hair away from his eyes.  _“Sweetheart, you’ve been down here for thirty hours. Let’s go to bed. Stop looking at that file, come on_.”

“ _They had him for twenty years before he broke_.” Tony whispered. “ _Twenty years. Steve, what if he’d been trying to get back to me and I wasn’t even there anymore. Why did I let him get on that fucking train?_ ”

Bucky sat in stunned silence as the clips ended, and beside him, Steve wiped tears from his eyes.

“I haven’t seen some of those.” he muttered. “I was off looking for you and didn’t know Tony was– I didn’t know he was–”

“They erased me.” Bucky whispered. “Every time they programmed me, they told me I was changing the world for HYDRA, that everyone would remember me as a hero, as a patriot. And I knew they were lying but they– they erased me completely. No one knew me until you two on the bridge.”

“Not completely.” It took Steve a minute to gather himself, but he cleared his throat and repeated. “They didn’t erase you complete. Because Tony found pieces of you, pieces of your shadow in all the corners they tried to hide and he pieced it together and  _that’s_ how we found you. No one else in the world could have done what he did. He built a facial recognition program and tapped into camera’s all over the world so we could see if you showed up. He took on governments and the UN and the press to try and bring you home. Does that sound like a man who didn’t mean it when he told you he loved you?”

“I– I–”

“I know you’re angry.” Steve budged closer until their knees were touching. “And I know you’re confused. And I– I’m sorry I was so mad before. I forgot you didn’t know about all of–” he motioned to the television. “You didn’t know. But you have  _got_ to know that Tony loves you. Yeah, he knew you were going to fall just like he knew I was going to go in the ice and you have every right to be mad about that but Tony– Tony didn’t know he was going to show back up in present time. He thought he was stuck in the past, having said goodbye to the man he loved and his best friend and he did that,he went through that to save the people he loved in  _this_ timeline. He broke his own heart to save people who he might never see again.” 

“I used to think he was selfish.” Steve said after another moment. “Used to think he wouldn’t do anything for anybody else, that he wasn’t one to make the sacrifice play? But he let you go to try and save today and that’s- that’s the least selfish thing I’ve ever heard of. You can be angry all you want, you deserve to be angry but don’t you  _ever_ think he doesn’t love you.”

“And don’t think he forgot you, either. You said he moved on?” Steve shook his head. “Tony didn’t move on for a long time, Buck. He bought that cabin before we even knew you were alive and even after he and I got closer, he’s been spending all his free time fixing it up and turning it into a home and–”

“–what cabin?” Bucky interrupted. “What are you talking about?”

“The cabin.” Steve repeated. “The one in the hills? Big wrap around porch and apple trees and all that? He bought it for you. Has your picture from the fair up there and everything.” 

“Tony– Tony bought us a cabin?”

“He didn’t tell you about it?” Steve asked in disbelief, and when Bucky shook his head, Steve wiped the blood from his knuckles and pulled Bucky up from the couch. “Come on. We’re going to take a ride.”

*******************

*******************

The helicopter that sat on the top of the Tower ran on autopilot as it took off and headed north, the flight path to the cabin already preset since Tony took it back and forth so many times and Steve and Bucky were quiet as they watched the trees zoom past beneath them

The flight took less than an hour before coming up on the clearing and Bucky craned his neck to see the river that ran along the border of the lot, the apple trees in the corner, frowning when he saw a car parked sideways halfway up the drive. 

“He must have come right here after–” Steve didn’t finish the sentence, instead reached up and flipped the controls so the helicopter would land. 

“Are you coming with me?” Bucky croaked when they set down. “I don’t– Steve, come with me.” 

“This is for you and Tony to figure out.” Steve said firmly. “I’m going to take the helicopter back to the Tower and you two are going to figure this out. I’m not gonna tell you to apologize or anything like that but you have to at least talk to him, alright? Please just– just talk to him.” 

“What if he doesn't’ want to talk to me?” 

“Bucky.” Steve pointed towards the open door of the cabin. “Go on.” 

The helicopter lifted off a few minutes later, leaving Bucky standing in the middle of the yard and as he stared up at the cabin that looked exactly like the one in his dreams, the one that represented the life he’d never got to have with the man he’d loved for most of a century–

Bucky had never been more scared in his life.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe the best reconciliation scene I’ve ever written in my life?

Walking up the stairs of the cabin felt like sacrilege, felt like trodding on sacred ground, and Bucky felt like he had no business putting his hand on the door to push it open a little bit further. He was invading Tony’s space, Tony’s sanctuary, showing up uninvited to a place that had been meant for the man he used to be and Bucky didn’t belong. 

_He didn’t belong._

But the door swung open on perfectly oiled hinges and there was a thick  _Welcome_ mat waiting on the other side and that first step into the living room somehow felt like coming home so Bucky let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding, dug his fingers into his hair and didn’t blink away the tears pooling in his eyes.

It was beautiful, it was perfect, and it was home and Bucky knew it as sure as he knew his own name. 

_My name is Brooklyn and this is home._

The living room was decorated in warm shades of dark green and soft blues, a fireplace on one main wall and a panoramic window that looked out into the yard and over towards the river on the other. A three seater couch sat beneath the window, stacked high with blankets and pillows and with a book tucked into one corner as if Tony had already spent afternoons reading there. 

The mantle above the fireplace was a piece of wood worn smooth by the river, the cracks and edges glittering gold and Bucky knew there was a story there, a story about being beautiful even while broken, about being wanted when others might only see something to throw away. 

Silver fingers traced the gold lines and Bucky was careful, so so careful as he picked up the bouquet of wildflowers sat in the middle of the mantle. 

 _Wildflowers_.

_“Stevie said ya liked wild flowers. Or that you admired them? Something about them not having any rules. Anyway, I got you some.”_

_“I love them.”  
_

The kitchen was simple, a table with three chairs and a small stove, dishes in sets of three filling the cupboards, a sliding glass door that led out onto the deck and Bucky just  _knew_ it was so coffee could be had while watching the sun rise every morning, and not for the first time since arriving at the cabin, his throat closed up at the physical proof of just how much Tony cared. 

How much Tony  _loved_. 

The towels in the bathroom were the thickest, fluffiest towels Bucky had ever seen in his life, some in a deep blue that reminded him of Steve’s uniform, others an icy shade nearly the same color as his eyes, and just a few that were chocolate brown shot through with strands of gold.

Bucky touched the wildflowers again as he went back through the living room, lingering on the delicate petals and not knowing if he wanted to smile or cry over the memories.

_“You got me flowers? I love them.”_

It was such a small thing for Tony to remember, a few seconds out of the two years they’d been together, and Bucky knew he shouldn’t be surprised because Tony had somehow remembered everything, but it still made him ache in a very real way to see the modest bouquet in the middle of their cabin. 

The bedroom was in the loft and Bucky took the steps one at a time, nearly tip toeing so he wouldn’t disrupt the almost surreal quiet. After so long in the Tower where something was always on, music was always playing or he could always hear Tony or Steve talking in another room, Bucky was suddenly aware of every breath he took, aware of the scuff of his boots against the wood, the way the railing shifted just the tiniest bit as if it wasn’t quite strong enough for a grip like his.

It was  _quiet_ and Bucky was holding his breath again when he finally made it to the top and could see the bedroom, the obviously custom made bed frame stained a gorgeous red, the plush window seat, the closet where one of Steve’s jackets hung and–

It took more effort than it should have to reach up and grab the backpack Bucky thought he’d lost in Bucharest, even more effort to pick up the notebook tucked away on the upper shelf.

It was only a few feet to the bed but it might as well had been a mile as long as it took Bucky stumble back and drop onto the mattress, the notebook falling open in his lap.

The first entry was from his very first day on the run, the words shaky and near illegible and Bucky remembered that day vividly. He remembered the migraine that had set in almost the instant he had picked up the pen.

_I have a name._

_I have a name._

_I have a name._

There were dark spots on the page as well, spots where the paper was wrinkled and the ink smeared because he hadn’t noticed the tears falling from his eyes, the pain in his head too strong to notice much of anything at all.

And then there were spots in a rusty brown that had once been bright red as his nose bled from the force of the migraine, and Bucky remembered struggling just to keep his hand on the pen long enough to finish a word and collapsing, almost blacking out when it was done.

Every single thought had hurt back then, and sometimes he’d been grateful for the days where he couldn’t think at all.

It was different further on the notebook, the writing becoming steadier and the entries longer as Bucky had remembered more about himself and his past. Sometimes it was full sentences, sometimes it was just a word that would jog his memory, sometimes it was a list of dates of moments he knew were important.

And in the very very back of the notebook, on the very last page where Bucky had never managed to write anything at all, there was a note that hadn’t been there before Bucharest, a note scrawled in Tony’s hand writing and there taped to the bottom corner, a picture ripped from the top of one of the photo strips from a booth at a fair.

Bucky picked the picture up and stared down at a version of himself that he didn’t recognize, clean cut and clean shaven and snappy sharp in his uniform, his head turned staring in adoration at a young man with a head full of curls and a heart stopping smile. They were squished tighter together than was strictly necessary in the photo booth and not even an obvious attempt at a casual pose could hide how in love Bucky was and  _oh god_  he’d been so in love.

Bucky ran his fingers over the picture before tucking it into front shirt pocket, remembering another photo from the same strip, a picture of he and Tony laughing, their hair messed up and Bucky’s tie crooked and Tony wearing his hat. 

He had put that picture in his uniform the morning they’d said goodbye, promised to come back and match it with the other three that Tony had kept, but it had been lost along with the rest of himself when HYDRA had taken him. 

Tony must have kept the other three pictures and Bucky made a silent promise to give this one back, to match it up with the other two if Tony would give him a chance. 

 _Please please give me a chance_. He thought as he smoothed out the last page of the notebook and read the note Tony had left him. 

> _Today they told me you and Steve get to come home and I know that this won’t be easy and I know we have a lot to work through but if you ever find this note I want you to know that no matter what, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. There’s no time between us anymore and when you come home in a few days there won’t be any distance either, it will all fall away just like you used to tell me it would._
> 
> _We’ll work through this, I promise. I’ll be here to talk to you and cry with you and if you want to be held, I’m so ready to hold you. And if you have questions, I’ll have answers or I’ll find answers and we’ll figure it out together._
> 
> _I hope you aren’t made– maybe I shouldn’t have read your notebook, maybe this is some massive breach of privacy, but reading it made me feel closer to you some days and now, I think I have an answer to one of the questions you asked the most._
> 
> _Your name is Sergeant James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes and I call you Brooklyn._
> 
> _I’ve loved you for seventy one years and three months and three weeks and four days and I haven’t stopped counting yet._

********************

When Bucky finally came back downstairs and out the front door, Tony was sitting sideways on the bottom step of the porch stairs, the late afternoon sun highlighting his profile and tinting his skin golden, and Bucky stopped in his tracks to just  _look_.

“I heard a helicopter.” Tony said after a few minutes.“Thought maybe it was Steve. Thought maybe it was Pepper and Rhodey. Not disappointed it’s you, though.”

“M’glad you’re not disappointed.” Bucky leaned against the door frame and watched the sunlight catching the silver strands in Tony’s hair. “This is um– this is nice. The cabin. Looks an awful lot like I used to imagine it would. Even the colors are–”

“I didn’t mean to fall in love you.” Tony said then and Bucky shut his mouth over whatever inane comment he was going to make to fill the silence.

“I didn’t mean to fall in love with you.” Tony repeated. “I had zero plans to fall in love with the soon to be Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, but you know what? I went ahead and did it anyway. Couldn’t help myself. You were about three thousand things I wanted and about three thousand more I  _didn’t_ know I wanted and I was head over heels before I’d even figured what the hell was going on.”

Bucky waited and after another minute, Tony continued, “I fell in love with you knowing our story didn’t have a happily ever after. I fell in love knowing that every day that passed was another day closer to saying goodbye, that every kiss was closer to being the last one we ever shared. You called me sweet thing–” Tony’s smile was  _painful_. “–And I loved it and I hated it because I knew I’d only get to hear it a few times before it was all over.”

A solitary tear shone as it slid down Tony’s cheek. “I told you I loved you, told you I wanted a life with you because it was the  _truth_. This?” he motioned to the cabin, to the yard. “I could have been happy in a place like this for the rest of my life, no questions asked. No fancy cars, no fancy tech, none of that. I wasn’t lying Bucky, I wanted this just as much as you did. Maybe even more.”

“I knew you were gonna fall.” Tony’s voice broke over the words. “I knew when it was gonna happen right down to the day but I told you I loved you anyway because it was the  _truth_ and because it made you happy and because I thought maybe knowing I loved you would keep you warm in those– in those last few minutes. I told you I loved because when our story ended, I’d be the only one with a broken heart and I could live with that. I could live with a broken heart.”

“But I can promise you–” Quieter now. “Bucky I swear to god, if I’d even thought for  _one second_ , if there had been even a  _rumour_ that HYDRA had gotten you, that they had done this to you– I’d take it all back. If I’d known for one second that  _this_ is where we would be seventy years later, having to have this conversation?”

Tony shook his head. “I never would have let you go. I would have begged you to stay, I would have told you the truth about me, I would have–” a shaky sigh. ‘– I would have kissed you right there at the fair like you wanted. Would have made a scene, caused a scandal and when the Army kicked you out for liking fellas I would have ran away with you and not felt guilty about it at all.”

“But I didn’t know.” He finally tipped his head back to meet Bucky’s gaze. “I didn’t know what would happen, and at the time I thought I was doing the right thing, so I let you go. And it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life.” 

“I know.” Bucky whispered and Tony looked away again. “I know you thought you were doin’ the right thing– Stevie told me– I saw the videos– Tony I–”

“I need a drink.” Tony was suddenly visibly exhausted, his shoulders slumping and back bowing and voice weary. “I really  _really_ need a drink. You want to go get a beer?”

“Um–”

“We should go get a beer.” Tony didn’t wait for Bucky to answer, just struggled to his feet and headed towards the car.

Bucky followed a few seconds later, sliding into the passenger’s seat and clicking on his seat belt as Tony spun out of the drive and down the dirt road, leaving the cabin and the clearing and everything that had been said behind in the dust.

**************

It was karaoke night at the local bar and it was  _packed_ , but when the locals saw Tony they budged around to open up a booth in the back, patting Tony on the shoulder as he passed, the patrons up near the stage calling out friendly hellos.

Tony waved at the bartender and slid into the bar first, letting Bucky have the seat with his back to the wall, his eyes on the entrance and Bucky both appreciated the gesture to ease his ever present anxiety, and hated that Tony knew how badly Bucky needed to be able to see the door at all times.

_Yet another reminder that he would never be normal._

Two beers arrived in front of them and Tony stuffed a large bill into the bartenders hand, telling him, “The usual amount for each of us, keep the rest as a tip.”

Bucky raised an eyebrow and Tony explained, “The first time I came here I tried to pay him to keep me drinking. Instead he took money for as many drinks as he felt comfortable serving me and then gave the rest back. He’s good people.”

“Seems like everyone here knows you?” Bucky ventured and Tony nodded, “I’ve been in a lot while working on the cabin.”

“Ah.”

They fell silent again because there wasn’t really anything else to say. Or rather, there was too  _much_ they needed to say but the booth in the back of a small town bar wasn’t the place to say it, and even it was the place to say anything at all, neither Bucky nor Tony knew where to begin.

So they sat in silence, peeling at the labels on the bottles, listening half heartedly to the conversations around them, to the music coming from the platform in the corner as yet another person took the mic in an attempt to belt their favorite song out to the cheers of the growing crowd.

At least six times Bucky opened his mouth to say something, to say  _anything_ , but the words never came so he covered the motion with a drink.

At least six times Tony did the exact same thing, chewing at the inside of his cheek nervously and taking a deep breath only to let it out in a rush of frustration and going back to watching the stage.

After the fourth sappy love song in a row, Tony abandoned his beer halfway through and scooted out of the booth, heading for the back door with nothing more than a mumbled, “I need some air.”

Bucky finished his drink alone, then gathered every ounce of all the courage he had ever had, and went to find Tony.

****************

There was more people than Bucky expected on the patio, groups of friends taking shots from the outside bar, couples paired up at the smaller tables sharing food and kisses, what looked like a bachelorette party– or at least what passed for a bachelorette party in this small of a town– decked out in pink and glitter and downing brightly colored drinks as fast as they could.

He found Tony around the corner from all the noise, on a small porch jutting out over the bend of the same river that curved along the border of the cabin clearing, the water sparkling in the moonlight, splashing against its banks.  

Here the lights from the bar weren’t as bright, the music not as loud, just melodies and quiet singing floating out from the windows, as private a spot as they could have hoped to find in a place like this and there Tony stood leaning against the rail and staring down at the water, his shoulders hunched and head hanging. 

He looked miserable and he looked  _lonely_ and Bucky spoke up before he could stop himself, before he even though about what he was going to say.

“I’d ask you to dance, but I dunno if there’s enough room here.”

It probably wasn’t the right thing to say, not the right time to bring up a memory that Tony might not want to hear, but then Tony made a sound that might have been a laugh and shook his head. “Not like we were gonna tango, right? Don’t need a whole lot of room to just sway back and forth, do we?”

“Was that–” Bucky wet his lips anxiously, his hands clenched in his pockets against a rush of disbelief and  _hope_. “Was that a yes? Cos I haven’t danced since the fair and I might be rusty but if that’s a yes– Tony, I’d love to dance with you.” 

 _Please dance with me._  

“You remember our dance?” Tony asked then. “Remember the night at the fair?”

“I remember everything.” Bucky took a step closer. “I um–I remember everything about that night. I remember telling you to take a long shower and runnin’ around like a dumbass tryin’ to get candles lit and wine ready. I remember the towel that only went to your knees and the way you kept trying to keep it up even though I was trying to pull it off.”

Tony smiled a little, and encouraged, Bucky took another step onto the deck. _If Tony could be open with his feelings then he could too_. “I–I remember how you smiled about the wild flowers and how we drank from the wine bottle instead of using glasses and I remember how bad my hands shook lightin’ all those damn candles, thought for sure I’d urn the place down. And the way you looked when you came out of the shower, all surprised an’ soft…”

Tony turned from the river and held out his hand, eyebrows raised expectantly and maybe a little uncertainly and inside the bar the music faded into yet another love song, this one about being brave when you’re afraid to fall, about hearts beating faster and doubt disappearing as two lovers stepped closer together—

_Time stands still_

_Beauty in all she is_

_I will be brave_

_I will not let anything, take away_

_What’s standing in front of me_

_Every breath, every hour has come to this_

—Tony fit back into Bucky’s arms like he’d never been apart, their bodies brushing and steps syncing without trying and they swayed to the music as if in slow motion, moving in tiny circles on the small deck. Tony didn’t flinch away from Bucky’s left hand clasping at his fingers and he closed his eyes over the warmth of Bucky’s right at his waist and when the music inside changed and soared – _darling don’t be afraid, I’ve loved you for a thousand years_ – Tony slipped his arms around Bucky’s neck and Bucky held him gently  _so gently_ , so careful to check his strength and how tight his hands were as they slid lower on Tony’s hips.

And it was just like he remembered, maybe even  _better_ than he remembered because he was  _bigger_ now and Tony felt tiny in his arms, and they weren’t kissing or saying sweet things but Tony was trusting him and letting him lead and that was just as important and they were both fully clothed but Bucky still thought he could feel Tony’s heart pounding just as fast as his was, about breaking from his chest and mixing with the butterflies in his stomach because he’d never wanted anything more than he wanted  _this_. 

“Okay?” he whispered, spanning his hand at the small of Tony’s back, the gears in his arm whirring as they re adjusted his grip to hold Tony tighter. “Is this alright?” 

“This is perfect.” Tony whispered back. “This is…perfect.” 

_I have died every day waiting for you._

_Darling don’t be afraid_

_I have loved you for a thousand years_

_I’ll love you for a thousand more._

“Tony.” Bucky brought his free hand up to Tony’s cheek and Tony turned his nose into the calloused palm, his breath catching when Bucky’s lips pressed against his forehead. “Tony, I’m sorry about–”

“Don’t.” Tony shook his head but didn’t pull away and Bucky stroked a thumb over his cheekbone. “Don’t ruin this by talking about that sort of thing.” 

“Sugar, I–”

“No no, it’s okay.” They turned and Tony pressed closer, dropping his head and tucking his cheek into Bucky’s chest. “For right now it’s okay, please can we just dance? Just for a minute? I’m not ready to– I don’t want to think about all that yet.” 

_And all along I believed, I would find you_

_Time has brought your heart to me_

_I have loved you for a thousand years_

_I’ll love you for a thousand more._

The bachelorette party came stumbling around the corner just then screaming with laughter and tripping over each other and Bucky and Tony startled apart as the girls all surged up onto the smaller deck to take selfies, asking Tony if he would take a couple group pictures with the river in the background.

The spell broken, moment ruined by the interruption, Bucky couldn’t do much more than fold his arms and wait until Tony had finished and given back various phones and cameras, then he reached for Tony’s hand. “Tony, we should–”

“It’s getting cold, you know?” Tony backed up a step, his eyes shuttered. “I’m cold.” 

“Well, if you wanted to–”

“We should probably just go.” he interrupted and Bucky’s heart sank. “Let’s just go.” 

“Oh.”

“…yeah.”

The drive back to the cabin was made in the same sort of silence the ride to town had been– full of all the words they hadn’t said yet, the words they  _had_ said hanging in the air waiting to be clarified and explained. There wasn’t more than a foot of space between the seats, Tony’s hand on the gear shift cutting the distance in half and he was  _so close_ , so close that Bucky should have just reached out and touched him, should have linked their fingers like they’d been as they danced for those too short moments, should have at least reached over and brushed the hair from Tony’s forehead or stopped a tear as it fell.

But he didn’t. Because he was scared that Tony would reject him and scared that Tony was already regretting their dance and  _oh god_  there was still so much to say and Bucky didn’t know how to say it all.

So he didn’t reach for Tony and instead kept his hands clasped in his lap and listened to the road beneath the tires until the asphalt turned to dirt, and the car slowed to a crawl once the clearing was in sight.

Tony was out of the car and halfway up the porch steps before Bucky even managed to even get his door closed and just as Tony reached for the door knob, Bucky called, “Tony?”

Tony stopped, but didn’t turn around so Bucky paused at the bottom step, pushing his hair out of his eyes and shuffling his feet, taking a deep breath, knowing that if he didn’t say it all now he might never get another chance.

“Knowing– knowing you loved me kept me going.”

Tony let go of the door knob and took a half step back, his expression guarded. “…What?”

“Every time I was  _me_ , I thought about you.” The rail was creaking in protest beneath Bucky’s hand as he held it tight, using it to ground himself. “And when they would put me to sleep, you were who I dreamed about. Even after they’d taken your name from me and wiped my memories so many times that I didn’t even know  _myself_ , I dreamed about you. Even when I didn’t know it was you, and I’d dream about being warm and being happy and remembering what love felt like? That was you. You are all those things in my memories.” 

“I remember Siberia.” Bucky said then and something like anguish flickered across Tony’s face. “I remember looking right at you and knowing you and not knowing you all at the same time. It didn’t make any sense that you could be in front of me, but I knew you and I knew in my heart that you were  _my_ Tony. It just didn’t make sense. Nothing made sense that day, I was so close to being gone and it hurt to even think, it hurt to try and remember and then I heard Stark and everything went to hell–”

Bucky coughed to clear his throat, releasing his hold on the rail before the wood warped between his fingers. “I know you don’t want to talk about this Tony, but we gotta cos I’m afraid if I don’t say it now then things won’t ever get better between us and I– I want them to be better honey, I  _do_.” 

“It’s okay.” Tony tried to wave him off, sounding like he was close to tears. “Bucky, we really don’t have to do this right now.” 

“Jus’ listen,  _please_. I’m tryin’ to– what I mean to say is–” Bucky muttered a curse and tried again. “I’m tryin’ to say I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Tony. For everything. I’m sorry for leaving you alone back then, for not coming back to you even though I promised I always would. I’m sorry for–” 

“Bucky  _stop_.”

“I’m sorry for your parents.” Bucky put one foot on the bottom step, and held his other hand out pleadingly. “I’m sorry for hurting you at the bunker and for not remembering you enough to come home sooner. I’m sorry for blaming you for–” a motion towards his left arm. “It’s not your fault and I know that. It’s not anyone’s fault but it’s definitely not your fault and I’m sorry for ever thinking– for ever  _saying_ –”

“Bucky it’s okay–”

“I’m sorry I broke your heart, Tony.” Tony sucked in a harsh breath and Bucky’s eyes dimmed in sadness. “All the things I thought would happen in our lives, I never wanted to break your heart. Certainly never thought I’d be the one to do that.”

“Broken hearts happen, Buck.” Tony said woodenly, tiredly, apparently resigning himself to the conversation. “That’s just part of life.”

“You said you would’a been okay living with a broken heart, but I’m not okay with that.” Bucky took another step up, watching Tony closely to make sure it was okay. I swear– Tony, I  _swear_ I’m never gonna break your heart again. I know we have a lot more to figure out and I dunno if I’ll ever be able to say all the things I need to say or ever be able to really fix all this but right now all I can think about is–”

He took the stairs one at a time, slowly, carefully, giving Tony every chance to back away, to turn around and lock him out of the cabin, giving every chance possible for Tony to tell him  _no_.

“All I can think about is how sad it is that you don’t like the night sky anymore.” Bucky said a silent prayer that Tony wouldn’t push him away and brushed silver fingers over Tony’s forehead, finally pushed that loose curl away like he’d been itching to do all night. “How you don’t like the stars anymore.”

“Why– why’s that?” Tony asked unsteadily, swaying into the touch without even realizing it, needing to be close but after all this  _oh_ he was scared to be close. “Why does it bother you?” 

“Cos all of my favorite kisses with you happened when the stars were out.” Bucky whispered. “Our very first one after the Expo. After Azzano. When you’d meet me after lights out in the barracks, when we used to walk the edge of camp and hold hands and steal kisses in the shadows.” 

“You’re so damn gorgeous with stars in your eyes.” he was closer now, close enough that Tony could feel the heat pouring off Bucky’s body, could hear the click of the plates in his arm when he moved. “I used to dream about kissing you in the moonlight. and never thought I’d ever get the chance to do it again and now it sure seems like I really won’t get–” 

“Kiss me.” Tony interrupted and Bucky’s eyes widened. “Come on. Just– just kiss me.”

“Are you sure?” Bucky was almost afraid to ask, afraid that Tony might change his mind if he had to say it again. “Are you–  _really_?” 

“Sure as anything.” Tony tilted his head back when Bucky’s hand slid round to settle at the base his neck, the touch barely there and feather soft. “Kiss me. You said you dreamed about it and now’s your chance to make it real, come on.” 

Bucky still hesitated and the pain in Tony’s eyes was  _heart breakingly_ real when he murmured, “You think I haven’t dreamed about kissing you again, soldier? Come here.  _Please_ come here. All day I’ve felt like I’m one wrong word away from losing you forever, too scared to try and too scared  _not_ to try– please come here. Bucky  _please_.” 

It was slow and cautious, Bucky pausing again just to be sure–  _he had to be so sure_ – before bringing their mouths together. Tony kissed him back without hesitating at all, kissed him back like he’d been  _waiting_ and Bucky shuddered when he felt it clear to his toes, syrupy sweet  _warmth_ spreading from his fingertips through to his core.

“Buck?” Tony asked when he felt the shiver and Bucky hushed him with another kiss, putting a careful arm at Tony’s waist to hold him tight to lips moving in a caress that had Tony stepping up on tip toes to draw it out  _longer_ , his hands clutching at Bucky’s shirt because he didn’t want to let go.

“Don’t let go.” he pleaded when Bucky pulled away with a ragged sort of breath. “ _Christ_ , I waited so long to hold you again, don’t let go.”

“Tony.” Bucky pushed their foreheads together and tried to get his heart rate back under control, his fingers flexing at Tony’s hips and bunching the material up into his palm, letting just his pinky tease at the strip of soft skin he found beneath. “ _Tony_ , honey I–” 

“I know.” Tony was still standing on his toes so he could be as close as possible, breathing hard and trembling just a little bit. “I  _know_. Bucky this is– we are– Damn it, I can’t even finish a sentence. Jesus Christ.” 

Tony inhaled slowly, took a few seconds to gather himself and even though it probably sounded more  _anxious_ than anything, he was smiling as he teased– “So that was  _loads_ better than the first time we did this sort of thing. Seventy years and you finally got over being nervous about a kiss, huh?” 

“Nervous?” Bucky squeezed tighter at Tony’s side, huffing a laugh as memories of that first  ~~awful~~ kiss flooded his mind. “Fuck me, I’m not  _nervous_ sugar, I’m– I’m terrified.”

“Well you shouldn’t be.” Tony arched his back at the next press of Bucky’s hand, their chests brushing and legs tangling, noses bumping and knees knocking because they just weren’t  _close enough_  yet.  “No need to be nervous at all, you know damn well all it takes is some baby blues and a killer smile to get me into bed. Maybe a dash of that Brooklyn accent and I’m practically a sure thing.”

Bucky closed his eyes when Tony’s lips met his again, sliding both hands into the thick hair and tilting Tony’s head back to deepen the kiss for as long as he could and when they finally parted for air, when Tony was panting against his mouth and Bucky thought he couldn’t stand another second with  _clothes_ between them–

–then he tried to remember how Tony liked him to talk, let his vowels roll lazy and the edge of his words drag and he cupped Tony’s jaw gently, made sure he could see those whiskey warm eyes melting hot and sweet for him before whispering, “You a sure thing, sweet thing?”

“Yeah, Brooklyn.” Tony’s cheeks flushed red as he pushed the cabin door open and pulled Bucky in after him, heading for the stairs and the bedroom. “I really really am.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The unbearable softness of this chapter….the throwbacks to moments from their very first tie together… a reminder that intimacy doesn’t have to mean sex …open communication through every moment…loving your partner through physical and emotional changes…oh the softness.
> 
> (Also, I’m realizing that I’ve been stalling on writing/editing these chapters because I am not ready for this series– which has taken a combined nine months of my life to write– to end?? SAVE ME)

“I need a minute.” As they made it into the cabin, Tony broke away from a kiss, then made a sort of sad noise and stood on his toes to give Bucky another one, and when Bucky chuckled, he scolded. “Don’t laugh. If  _you_ could kiss  _you_ , you wouldn’t want to leave either.”

“I don’t want to leave whether I can kiss…” Bucky made a face. “…well anyway. I don’t want to leave. Why do you need a minute? You alright?”

“I’m fine.” Tony linked their fingers and tugged Bucky towards the fireplace. “I’m just– wow, I am so good right now, but I need four seconds to–” it was fairly hilarious to watch Tony dig out his wallet, get it open and attempt to dig through the money inside all without letting go of Bucky’s hand, and any other time Bucky might have laughed over how  _ridiculous_ Tony was being.

Right now though, it was sweet that Tony didn’t want to let go, sweet and fairly close to mirroring how desperate Bucky was feeling at the moment, and he was tempted to snatch the wallet and toss it out the window just so he could have both Tony’s hands again.

“Oh hey, I got it.” Despite being one handed, Tony managed to produce a folded paper from his wallet and held it up triumphantly. “I’ve been carrying these in my wallet but now that you’re home…” he let the words trail off into a smile and smoothed out the paper on his leg before propping it up on the mantle next to the wildflowers. “…they can go back where they belong.”

“Oh.” the air  _whooshed_ out of Bucky’s chest as he stared at the pictures of he and Tony from the fair, at the way Tony was smiling just before they kissed, the way Tony was pulling at his tie to keep him close in the second photo. “Look at us.”

“You didn’t think I lost our pictures, did you?” Tony squeezed at Bucky’s fingers. “I usually keep them here at the cabin but after you and Steve were cleared to come home I switched to my wallet so they would be close all the time.”

“There’s only two.” Bucky pointed out and Tony nodded slowly. “Seems a shame to break up a set, don’t it?” 

“Break up a–” Tony’s eyes widened when Bucky held up the third photo. “You found my note?”

“I sure did.” Bucky placed his photo alongside the other two and pushed the wildflowers over closer before turning back to Tony and kissing his palm. “Been a real long time since you wrote me a letter, sugar. Was just like being back in the war, sneaking and reading the notes you’d send.” 

“Yeah?” Tony slipped his hands beneath the hem of Bucky’s shirt, flattening his hand against his sides. “So I’m not too terribly out of practice? I could write you more notes  until I’m good at it again.” 

“I wouldn’t say no to more notes from–” A full body shudder from Bucky, his voice trailing off and eyes closing. “Um, I wouldn’t–  _shit_ –I–”

“Buck?” Tony leaned back enough to see Bucky’s face, brow lowered in confusion and hands falling away. “Hey, is this still alright? I thought– I mean on the porch we–”

“Don’t.” Bucky jolted forward like he wanted to grab Tony, stopping himself at the last second. “ _Damn it._ ”

“Buck?” Tony was starting to sound worried. “We moving too fast? Talk to me. We can stop, it’s fine. I’m not going to be mad. Kissing is one thing but we don’t have to do anything else. Just cos we kissed doesn’t mean I think we need to keep going. I’m not expecting anything from you or– or–” he peered closer at Bucky. “You okay? Do you need some space?” 

“No no no.” Bucky closed his eyes again, exhaling loudly. “I mean yes, I’m okay, no I don’t need some space. Could you just– um would you–”

“Hey.” Tony brushed his fingers over Bucky’s cheek and Bucky went very still, leaning into it just the slightest bit. “I’m right here, Brooklyn. Talk to me.”

“…touch me.” Barely audible, not even a whisper and Tony moved immediately, slipping his hands back under the shirt and pressing warm at Bucky’s waist. “…oh  _god_.”

“Yeah?” Tony drew idle patterns just at the waistband of Bucky’s pants, digging in just enough to feel the flex of muscle beneath his palm. “Good?”

“I’m always cold.” Bucky was still talking in that near whisper tone, sifting shaking fingers through Tony’s hair to urge him closer, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “M’always cold, Tony. And I  _hurt_. I hurt all the time and sometimes I don’t remember what it feels like to not hurt and I’m scared that that I can’t do this with you, not like you want. Some days I think I’m broken and–”

“You’re not broken, Bucky.”

“I might be.” he gathered Tony even tighter, breathing a sigh of relief when Tony came willingly, plastering himself over Bucky’s heart. “And I remember everything bout you and about  _us_ but somehow I forgot what it felt like when you held me and it’s–”

“Overwhelming.” Tony finished, and Bucky nodded. “Too much?” and Bucky shook his head negatively. “Do you want me to stop?”

“Please  _please_ don’t stop.”

“Okay.” Tony leaned in and kissed Bucky soft and slow. “You keep talking and tell me how you’re feeling, I’ll keep touching you because it’s not like I will ever have a problem doing that sort of thing and we’ll figure this out.”

“M’sorry I’m not the same guy in that picture, Tony.” Bucky’s voice choked with sorrow. “Sorry I didn’t come home and sweep you off your feet like I always meant to.”

“What do you mean you didn’t sweep me off my feet?” Tony hid his own heartbreak behind a teasing tone, waggling his eyebrows until Bucky finally cracked, his lips twisting in a half smile. “I’ll have you know the only reason I keep super soldiers around is to carry me places.”

“You want me to carry you places, sweet thing?”

Tony grinned and squeezed meaningfully at Bucky’s left arm. “There’s a reason the stairs in this cabin are awful steep. Hop to it, soldier.” 

Then he paused– “Can I still call you soldier? I didn’t think that maybe you’d hate that after–” 

“It’s the only time I don’t hate it.” Bucky lifted Tony into his arms without even trying, his left arm secure around Tony’s back and right hooked under his legs. “When I’m  _your_ soldier.” 

“Well then.” Tony pecked at his cheek. “Hop to it,  _soldier_.” 

*******************

The lights stayed off when they made it up the stairs, Bucky with a hoarse apology of, “M’not as pretty as I used to be.”

“I feel like you’re lying about that.” Tony felt his way towards the bed, bringing Bucky with him and only stopping when the back of his knees hit the mattress. “But it’s fine because I’m definitely not twenty eight anymore I wouldn’t mind some strategically placed shadows to camouflage a few flaws.”

“I can see in the dark, Tony.” Bucky informed him and chuckled through a kiss when Tony muttered, “Damn super soldiers and their fuckin’ super vision.” 

“Besides, I’m pretty sure you don’t have any flaws, you’re–” Bucky paused in peeling Tony’s shirt off and stared at the blue glow of the arc reactor. “Wait … _what_?”

“Oh right.” Tony plinked at the casing nervously. “Not twenty eight anymore and also? I picked up some new hardware. I forgot you hadn’t really seen the reactor yet, or at least not out from behind my suit. It um– it freaks Steve out a little bit so I keep covered up most of the time. Used to wear it out all the time, cut holes in my shirts to show it off but since New York, it just doesn’t seem as important.” 

Tony kept talking, almost rambling, because Bucky hadn’t said anything yet and in the near dark it wasn’t obvious whether his expression was pitying or horrified or disgusted and that was– that was terrible. All of those options were terrible. Tony never wanted Bucky to look at him like that.

“I’ll put my shirt back on.” He said quickly. “It’s um– it doesn’t hurt or anything so you don’t have to worry about that. And the scars are nasty but they’re going away since Pepper got me some prescription cream and if the color bugs you, I can make a darker covering for it so you don’t have to see it at all.” He started to worry  when Bucky still didn’t say anything. “Buck? I can’t see you, so you gotta give me a clue to what you’re thinking, alright?” 

“Babydoll, what did they do to you?” Bucky’s palm was big enough to cover the reactor completely with plenty of room for his fingers to gently  _gently_ trace the raised lines that branched out across Tony’s sternum. “What did they  _do_ to you?”

 _Oh_. Relief, washing through Tony and slumping his shoulders. _Not freaked out. Okay I can handle this._

“It’s not as bad as it looks.” Tony knew the words fell a little flat, but he said them anyway, rapping at Bucky’s arm pointedly. “And it’s nothing half as bad as what they did to you, Brooklyn. Don’t worry about it.” 

“But I can handle what they did to me.” Bucky whispered, his thumb pressing along the edge of one of the worst scars. “You shouldn’t have to handle things like this. Not you. Should’a been here to protect you from this.”

“Well you’re here now.” Tony lifted Bucky’s shirt up partly to get his hands on the frankly ridiculous muscles– honestly,  _this_ was why he loved super soldiers– and partly to hear Bucky make that quiet, pleased sound again. “So let’s be glad all that shit brought us back together instead of driving us apart, hm? We might sort of be cyborgs now, but at least we’re together again.” 

“Nothing’s gonna drive us apart anymore.” Bucky let go of Tony only long enough to strip his own shirt up and over his head, to yank his belt out of his pants and toss it away and then one hand was right back over the reactor, the other buried in Tony’s hair to tug his head back for a long kiss. “Nothing else between us, Tony. Not anymore.”

“Not anymore.” Tony fell back onto the bed and pulled Bucky with him, scooting up against the pillows and biting his lip in anticipation when Bucky stretched out over him. “Oh-oh-oh  _Christ_ , I forgot how good you felt right here.”

“I feel good here?” Bucky fit a thigh between Tony’s knees and rolled his hips purposefully. “Yeah?”

“I meant  _here_ cuddled up with me.” Tony’s laugh was more of a moan as Bucky mouthed down his jaw, stubble scraping the sensitive skin at his throat. “But I’ll settle for you being between my legs too.”

“Cos you’re a sure thing, right?” Teeth, lightly  _so lightly_  at Tony’s earlobe and cool fingers smoothing circles at his hips, edging at the waist band of his pants. “Even though I might be—“

“Beefier than you used to be?” Tony whistled quietly at the sheer  _breadth_ of Bucky’s shoulders, squeezed at biceps he didn’t even come close to getting his hands around. “Trust me, I can learn to live with a beefier Bucky bear.”

“I was going to say since I’m–”

“Like fifty pounds heavier?” Tony wheezed teasingly, but when Bucky went to move away, only held him tighter. “I can live with that too as long as you don’t roll over and squash me when we sleep.” 

“Tony–”

“ _Bucky_.” Tony framed Bucky’s face with both his hands, peering through the semi dark to try and see Bucky’s face. “Brooklyn. Whatever it is, I can live with it. The fact that you’re here with me right now is so far past a goddamn miracle I just don’t care about anything else. It doesn’t matter. I can live with it all.”

“Even if I can’t–” Bucky shifted against him, grimacing self consciously over his noticeable  _lack_ of interest compared to the feel of  _Tony_ already ready at his thigh. “Are you sure?”

“Kiss me and find out.” Tony cajoled and Bucky obeyed instantly, settling his weight further against Tony’s body and sealing their mouths together.

“ _Mmmmyes_.” A quiet moan of contentment as Tony arched into the kiss, Bucky nibbling along the seam of his lips and before plunging inside to lick through every corner of his mouth. “Is this okay?” Tony asked, the words muffled as his tongue curled and slid along Bucky’s, swallowing Bucky’s response in favor of kissing him harder. “Yeah yeah, this is okay. This is okay–”

Relearning each others bodies in the dark was both gratifying and bitter sweet and as the minutes stretched on, their touches grew bolder and almost daring, lingering over remembered sensitive spots and discovering new ones, and the  _enormity_ of the years between them slowly faded away.

Pants stayed on, even if zippers were undone and buttons yanked open because Tony was following the line of an old injury below Bucky’s waist band or because Bucky groaned something low and  _gorgeous_ when he realized his hands were big enough to nearly span Tony’s waist, his thumbs fitting neatly along the jut of a hipbone.

Over and over Bucky returned to the arc reactor, brushing whisper soft over the ruined skin, putting his cheek to the casing and feeling the barely there  _thrum_ of the machinery that kept Tony alive.

There were tears when Tony got Bucky’s shirt off and fell silent, shocked by the extent of the scars and the mangled skin, trailing his fingers over the worst of the damage towards the center of Bucky’s chest, pressing in hard to feel the metal plate that kept the heavy arm anchored into his soldiers body.

“Don’t cry.” Bucky pleaded, rolling them so Tony was straddling his waist, so he could look through the shadows with and see the wetness on Tony’s cheeks. “Ah sweet thing, don’t cry for me. It don’t hurt so bad when you’re the one touchin’ me. Barely notice it at all, now.” 

So Tony touched him, testing the strength and give of Bucky’s shoulder and soothing the ragged edges with his mouth until Bucky dragged him up for another bruising kiss, quieting a sob Tony didn’t quite manage to hide and locking his arms around Tony’s waist to keep him as close as possible.

“Let me go for a minute.” Tony tried to budge backwards when his cock slid hard and  _full_ against Bucky’s stomach, flushing dark red in embarrassment because Bucky didn’t want anything like that  _at all_ but he couldn’t talk his body down from responding to the feel of the big soldier beneath him, to the way Bucky  _gripped_ at him, palmed over his rear and snugged him up tighter until there was no space at all between their bodies. “Shit, Buck I’m sorry–give me a sec–”

“No no no.” Bucky shook his head, tightened his hold to nearly bruising so Tony wouldn’t go anywhere. “Don’t. I don’t mind. Honest, baby. Just stay here with me.” 

“I sure wish Tony Jr would behave but in his defense, it’s been seventy years since he got to see you nekkid.” Tony drawled and Bucky laughed at him. “See? Even you  _laughing_ does it for me. Let’s take a break so I can cool down a bit.”

“I waited seventy years to kiss you again.” Bucky scooted against the headboard so he could sit up, Tony squarely on his lap and unable to help rocking into him once,  _twice_. “Knowing you still want me even though I’m–” Tony cut him off with a demanding kiss and Bucky sucked in a breath, tearing away to finished, “–even though I’m  _beefier_ than I used to be–” and this time Tony laughed, widening his knees so he could fit as close as possible.

“Yeah, obviously you being  _beefier_ than you used to is really putting a damper on things.  _Obviously_.” 

“We’re gonna do this just like we used to be, huh?” Bucky kept running his hands through Tony’s hair, tracking down his throat to feel the pulse thundering out of control, picking up Tony’s hand and kissing his fingers, his palm, his knuckles, pulling Tony closer  _always close_ r until the hard edge of the reactor ran into the unyielding metal in his chest and they couldn’t even breath without feeling each other. 

“I’m a nervous wreck.” Bucky continued. “And you’re smooth talking and makin’ jokes and pretendin’ like you are just as smitten as me. S’just like we used to be. Sure don’t seem like seventy years, huh?” 

“Brooklyn, I was  _always_ just as smitten as you.” Tony corrected, trying his hardest to leave a hickey at Bucky’s neck, digging his teeth into the clear skin and soothing his tongue over the sting, knowing damn well the bruise was fading almost as quickly as it bloomed, but doing it anyway because Bucky kept gasping and asking him for  _more_. “So if by ‘just like we used to be’ you mean I’m talking a hundred miles a minute to try and keep myself distracted so I don’t blurt out something stupid and you are driving me crazy without even really trying? Yeah, it’s  _exactly_ like we used to be.”

“I told you it would all fall away.” Bucky got up to his knees and lifted Tony with him, urging the long legs around his waist before falling forward and pinning Tony to the bed like that, shivering when Tony automatically canted his hips up to rub against him, this kiss less coordinated than the others, a little more teeth and a little less tongue, Tony mumbling something unintelligible when Bucky gathered a big handful of his rear and squeezed. “All that time, right babydoll? Fell right away, and now this feels just like the morning I left you.”

“Yeah.” Tony’s head fell back when Bucky’s tongue slid warm and wet at his ear. “Except this time we aren’t saying goodbye, are we?” 

“You’re damn right about that. This time we aren’t sayin’ goodbye.”

*******************

Neither one knew when they’d fallen asleep tangled in each others arms, but the sun was just staring to come up when Bucky’s eyes opened again. 

He automatically reached over for Tony, needing to convince himself last night had been  _real_ , that they had talked and kissed and fell into bed together and Tony hadn’t cared that Bucky was broken and hadn’t cared that they couldn’t do more than touch each other and that at some point the kisses had slowed and the blankets had been pulled up and he’d fallen asleep with Tony tucked over his heart and–

_Tony wasn’t there._

“I’m right here.” Almost the same second as Bucky started to feel an edge of panic–  _what if I was just dreaming?_ – Tony spoke up from an inch or two further than Bucky’s hand had landed. “Bucky baby, I’m right here.”

“Where were you going?” Bucky didn’t mean to sound so vulnerable, but he didn’t think he could handle waking up without Tony, not when he was still certain this was some sort of dream. 

“I have to use the bathroom.” Tony slid their palms together and pressed at his hand lightly. “But I was going to wake you up before I went so you wouldn’t wake up and worry about where I’d gone. I just barely sat up to stretch and then you woke up, so here we are.”

“You– you were going to wake me up before you went to the bathroom?” Bucky sat up and blinked at him. “ _Why_?”

“Because you told me once you hated falling asleep with someone and knowing they would probably sneak out in the middle of the night because they didn’t want to get caught with you.” Tony said simply and Bucky’s heart twisted in his chest. “And I figured waking up in a new place would bring at least a few seconds of wondering where the hell you were and whether or not you’d been dreaming everything about last night, so I wanted to make sure I was here when you opened your– _mmph_!”

Tony startled when Bucky snatched him into a long kiss, his confused noise softening into a pleased sigh after a moment. “What– what was that for?” Bucky only shook his head and brought Tony back again, holding him gently, the kiss sweet and steady and packed full of  _gratitude_. “Bucky?”

“Hurry back to me.” was all Bucky said when he finally let Tony go, grinning over the flush in Tony’s cheeks and the slightly dazed look in his eyes. “Yeah?”

“Uh…yep.” Tony’s smile was a little goofy. “Yep. I’ll be right back.”

Bucky put his left arm behind his head and settled back into the pillows, listening to Tony’s footsteps down the stairs and across the floors, into the bathroom and a few minutes later back out, over to the kitchen to most likely turn the coffee on, and then back across the living room and coming up the stairs.

“You start coffee?” he asked, holding out his other arm so Tony would climb back into bed and snuggle up against him.

“Sure did.” Tony yawned and cuddled close, sticking cold toes between Bucky’s calves. “Figured you’d want to watch the sunrise from that big ass porch while we have our our morning java, you know?”

Bucky didn’t answer and after a moment, Tony propped himself up on his elbow to ask, “Buck? Don’t you want to watch the sunrise?”

“Sure I do.” Bucky said softly and reached up to cup Tony’s jaw, tracing kiss bruised lips with his thumb until Tony finally smiled. “And there it is right there. Prettiest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.”

“Wha–” Tony turned pink clear to the tips of his ears. “–oh my god. What the fuck. It’s too early to be that charming. Cut it out.”

“Cut it out?” Bucky teased and Tony leaned down to smoosh a kiss to his mouth. “Is that really what you want?”

“I take it back.” Tony rolled right on top of Bucky, folding his arms on the big soldier’s chest and gazing down at him. “Don’t ever stop.”

Their next kiss was soft and slow, lazy with the knowledge that they had time for a thousand more kisses, a thousand more mornings together.

“I’m about gone on you, soldier.” Tony whispered when they finally parted, still close enough to share air, close enough their noses bumped. “You know that?”

“Sweet thing.” Bucky’s pale eyes held nothing but truth, no hesitancy, no uncertainty, no shyness at all. “M’bout gone on you too.”

****************

“Hey sweetheart.” Steve couldn’t hide the relief in his voice when he picked up the phone closer to ten am that morning. “Hey, I didn’t want to call and interrupt anything but I was starting to get worried.” 

“We’re fine.” Tony sat curled up on one of the recliners, sipping at his coffee. “Yesterday was– well it was about as terrible as you’d expect it to be, but we talked alot and I guess we said the right things.” 

“Yeah? You guys okay?” 

“We’re just fine.” Tony tipped his head to listen to the sound of the shower. “He’s in the shower and I’m on cup four of coffee and–” 

“Tony.” Steve interrupted. “Honey, are you guys  _okay_?” 

“We’re fine.” Tony said quieter. “We talked about how I knew he was going to fall and why I made the decision. Told him if I’d known about HYDRA i’d have made him stay away. He apologized for blaming me, we um– we danced–” 

“You danced?” 

“Yeah at the bar in town. And then we spent the night together.” Tony knew he was blushing and didn’t care one bit. “Is that– is that weird for you to hear?” 

“Not at all.” Surprisingly– or maybe not surprisingly– Steve sounded like he was being completely honest. “No Tony, that’s exactly what I wanted to hear. That you two made up and are fixing things– of course that isn’t weird. Why would it be weird?” 

“I dunno Spangles.” Tony blew out a deep breath. “You’re weird about your food touching on your plate, seems like you would be weird about sharing your boyfriend.” 

“Its not–” Steve hesitated, thinking his words through. “It’s not sharing you, Tony. That makes it sound like I’m loaning you out to Bucky or something. I love you and Bucky loves you and you love us both. Maybe it would be weird with someone else? But I can’t imagine a life where you two don’t love each other and I certainly can’t imagine a life where you and _I_ don’t love each other. Other than arguing over who gets to shower with you most often, I don’t see a problem.” 

“ _Christ_ , I love you.” Tony closed his eyes. “Steve, you are amazing.” 

“I just want us to be happy, Tony. All three of us. That’s all that matters at the end of the day.” 

“Well we are well on our way.” Tony’s eyebrows raised when Bucky stepped out of the bathroom in nothing but a towel, hair dripping wet and muscles gleaming. “You gonna come up and join us soon?” 

“Is that Stevie?” Bucky asked and Tony nodded. “Tell him to come here in a few days.” 

“Bucky says a few days.” Tony relayed. “Maybe not tomorrow night but the morning after?” 

“I’d love that.” Steve decided. “Give Bucky a hug for me?” 

“I love you, Spangles.” 

“I love you too, sweetheart.” 

Tony put his phone down and focused all his attention on the amount of super soldier skin in front of him. “I’ve always liked you in just a towel, Bucky bear.” 

Bucky grinned wolfishly, stalking across the room and bending down–

–and shaking his hair as hard as he could, spraying Tony with water. 

“ _ACK_!” Tony shrieked and shoved away, only to have Bucky grab at his hand and yank him back for a hard kiss. “Okay, I’m not opposed to steamy kisses but I could live without being sprayed. Thanks for that.” 

“ _Mmmm_.” Bucky kissed him again, then rested their foreheads together as he asked, “Stevie sure makes you happy, huh?” 

“He does.” Tony hooked his fingers in the towel and tugged lightly. “…is that alright with you?” 

“As long as you give me a chance to make you happy too, sugar.” Bucky whispered. “You okay with that?” 

Tony looped his arms around Bucky’s neck and whispered back, “You already make me happy, Brooklyn.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah.” 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Domestic bliss and like, three lines of plot and fluffy fluffiness. That’s it. That’s the whole chapter. I promised there wouldn’t be any more angst and I am making good on that promise by delivering only tooth rotting fluff between Winteriron and Stony for the rest of the fic. 
> 
> Enjoy!

It rained that afternoon, dark grey clouds gathering and cracking open in sheets, the drops coming down loud on the roof and running off the porch overhang to form puddles in the yard. **  
**

Tony found Bucky outside with a blanket around his shoulders, staring off into the distance with a faraway expression on his face, and he cleared his throat so Bucky knew he was there– it was never a good idea to sneak up on a soldier, much less a _super_ one– before joining him at the railing.

“You like the rain, Buck? I thought I knew just about everything about you, but I didn’t know that.”

“I hate the rain.” Bucky corrected, opening the blanket up and folding Tony into the warmth, snuggling close together in the chilly air. “Or at least I used to. Now I don’t mind it so much.”

Tony burrowed into Bucky’s chest,  sliding both arms around his waist and resting his cheek on the t shirt before asking, “Why’s that?”

“Used to hate it cos the apartment in Brooklyn would leak.” Bucky left a kiss on Tony’s hair and tucked the blanket more securely around his shoulders. “Stevie would get sick and cough real bad. Everything would be damp and sorta smell for a few days after. Hated it. Then the war came and doin’ drills, marching, sleepin’ in tents, all that sorta thing is miserable in the rain.”

“You slept in a tent like twice.” Tony informed him. “All the other times you were bunking with Steve or sneaking into the dorms to sleep by me.”

“And I had to walk through the  _mud_ to get there, didn’t I?” Bucky said dryly, holding Tony tighter when he shook with laughter. “Still counts.”

“Alright then.” Tony stood on his toes and nuzzled a kiss to the Bucky’s collarbone, reveling in the freedom to be as physically affectionate as he wanted with his soldier, closing his eyes happily when Bucky whispered something sweet into his ear in return. “So why else do you hate the rain?”

“When I was activated–” Tony tensed against him. “–and it was raining, I had to sit outside in it. Sometimes I’d be covered enough to protect my gun, but they never worried about protecting  _me_. Not like I could catch cold or anything, right? So I’d just stay out in the rain. Sometimes for hours, sometimes all night till my target came along.”

Tony was quiet for a minute, then asked, “So you said you used to hate the rain. You don’t hate it anymore?”

“Right now I sorta love it.” Bucky admitted, sifting his fingers through Tony’s hair gently. “Can’t remember the last time I could just listen to it and not worry about whether or not it was going to ruin the day. Every time Stevie got sick I always worried it would be the last time, that I wouldn’t be able to save him and I’d hafta bury him next to his ma. When I was activated, hadta think about how the rain would affect my vision, if it would be too muddy to use my vantage point, if the rain came with wind that would affect my shot, if my target wouldn’t be where they were sposed’ta be cos the rain kept them home.”

Thoughtfully now, “S’nice to just be still while it’s rainin’. Just to listen to it? Never thought I’d enjoy that sorta thing.”

“Hm.” Tony inched Bucky’s shirt up until he could feel skin, tracing his initials and his name over and over into Bucky’s side. “Well my feelings won’t be hurt if you would rather enjoy the rain by yourself, but if you don’t mind, can I stay right here with you?

“Stay with me.” Bucky shivered when Tony’s hands pushed further up his back, settling over the first of the scars that branched down from his shoulder. “Stay with me, sweet thing. Don’t ever wanna be without you again.”

************************

“We’re going to need groceries if we’re going to stay another couple nights.” Tony informed him later that same day. “Probably some more clothes too. I got plenty of my own here, but there’s nothing for you. And even though I’d  _love_ to see you splitting the seams on one of my shirts, I guess we should buy you something you can actually wear?”

“You wanna see me splitting one of your shirts, sugar?”

“I would definitely  _not_ be opposed to it.”

This drive to town was much different than the one the night before, filled with quiet conversation as Tony pointed out different spots they could go hiking, Bucky’s fingers twined first with Tony’s over the gear shift, then migrating to his thigh to settle warm and heavy and  _entirely_ distracting.

There was only one clothing store in the small town and they managed to find an extra pair of pants in Bucky’s size and three shirts all in an aggressively bright flannel and Tony begged and pleaded for Bucky to  _please_ also wear a trucker hat because he looked so close to redneck it was absolutely hilarious.

The hat was loudly decided  _against_ , even though Bucky picked up a red shirt at least three sizes too small simply so he could try it on in the dressing room, flex and  _shred_ it apart, all to the sound of Tony about screaming with laughter before throwing both arms around Bucky’s neck and kissing him soundly. 

 _God damn_  was it a good kiss.

He might not do the whole naked thing anymore, and the thought of even attempting sex made his stomach twist uncomfortably, but  _oh_ he loved kissing Tony.

Bucky would be happy to kiss Tony every day for the rest of his life.

“I’m paying for a shirt we had to throw in the trash.” Tony told the cashier, winking over at Bucky. “It was an avoidable event. My apologies.”

They bought at least a weeks worth of food at the grocery store, Tony letting Bucky pick out whatever he wanted while adding things in that he knew Steve would eat as well. As a split second decision, he had Bucky heft a grill up and over one shoulder and a tank of propane over the other, taking a full moment to appreciate the sheer amount of  _beefiness_ before announcing, “We should grill steaks and that sorta thing, right?”

“Are we actually gonna do that, or did ya just wanna see how strong I was?” Bucky accused and Tony shrugged shamelessly. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

“Weird for you?” Tony asked as they loaded everything the backseat and trunk of his car, lashing it closed with the help of a bungee cord.

“Is what weird for me?” Bucky eyeballed the several feet of grill that stuck out from the bar. “Maybe you should buy a truck, Tony.”

“A truck would probably be a better option than destroying my fancy cars.” Tony agreed, then clarified, “When I do that thing where I leer in your direction and am definitely thinking about seeing you naked. Is that weird for you?”

“Why would it be weird for me?” Bucky hooked another bungee around the trunk before deciding the grill wasn’t in danger of flying out of the car when they hit the highway, and glanced over at Tony curiously. “Huh?”

“There’s a thousand ways I want to be with you that don’t involve sex.” Tony said quietly,  _plainly_ , watching Bucky’s face carefully for any sign of embarrassment or frustration. “And I feel like we covered the whole ‘we’re fine without it’ thing last night and this morning but if you don’t even want me to joke about it? Or talk about getting you naked or whatever? Let me know.”

“Tony–”

“I’m not good at this.” Tony rushed to say. “Both Pepper and Rhodey can confirm that while I try to respect people’s boundaries and be conscious of triggers and all–” he made a roundabout motion. “–all that? I also tend to handle it all with a dose of my definitely an-acquired-taste-sense of humour and that usually ends up making me look like an asshole. I’m not trying to do that with you. Tell me if you don’t want me even teasing about getting naked or–”

“You think I don’t wanna see you naked?” Bucky asked slowly, pale eyes traveling purposefully over Tony’s body. “Why do you think that? I wanna see you naked, baby doll.”

Tony coughed loudly to cover the rush of every drop of blood in his system traveling  _rather_ south  _rather_ quickly and stammered, “Oh–oh yeah? That’s– you’re still okay with that?”

“S’like you said, right? There’s a thousand ways to be with ya that don’t involve sex.” Bucky pointed out, and then he smirked, cocky and  _knowing_ and heated enough to make Tony blush. “Just cos we aren’t havin’ sex don’t mean we gotta keep our clothes on.”

“Annnnnd we’re leaving.” Tony all but dove for the front seat of the car, the ignition turned and gas revving before Bucky had even opened his door. “Let’s go let’s go lets go, time is  _a’wasting_.”

***********************

“I feel like it shouldn’t be this easy.” Bucky said later, snapping the top off a beer and offering it to Tony. “You know?”

“What shouldn’t be this easy, babe?” Tony jabbed at one of the steaks with the tongs. “By the way, I don’t think I’ve ever cooked a steak before. I usually pay restaurants a lot of money to deliver me a perfectly cooked steak.

Bucky grinned. “What are you trying to say about our steak, Tony?”

“I’m trying to say that you have two options for your dinner at this point– still mooing or burnt to a crisp.” Tony clicked his tongue in disappointment. “I might make a great breakfast plate and I can make a killer sandwiches but I definitely cannot cook this thing. JARVIS? Help!”

Tony’s phone blinged on, the AI replying, “ _A medium rare steak is usually cooked three to five minutes on each side, depending on the thickness of the steak and heat capacity of your grill. Regardless of varying particulars however, Internal temperature for a medium rare steak  should be one hundred and thirty five degrees_.”

“Ah.” Tony poked with the tongs again. “I am about eight minutes past three minutes on this side and I didn’t think to buy a meat thermometer so we’re just going to–” two steaks were yanked off the grill and chucked in the trash, and Tony tore into another package. “JARVIS. It’s sirloin, about an inch and a half thick. Set me a timer.”

“ _Yes sir_.”

As soon as the meat was sizzling, Tony lowered the grill and turned back to Bucky with an expectant smile. “What were you going to say, Bucky bear? Something about things being easy?”

“Yeah.” Bucky drank most of his own beer before answering. “This just seems too easy. You and I. I keep thinking that something’s gonna go wrong.”

Tony’s mouth fell open in surprise and Bucky shrugged. “Just a matter of fact, sweetheart. If somethin’s going real good, usually means it’s gonna go bad soon. If somethin’ seems too good to be true? Probably is. You and I– it seems too easy, don’t you think? Aren’t you waitin’ for the next bad thing?”

“Okay, first of all?” Tony pointed his bottle towards Bucky. “Nothing about you and I has been easy. Not since day one. You found me in a goddamn dumpster, Buck. That was not an easy beginning. Plus the war? And dealing with hiding all the time? Sneaking around together? What was easy about that?”

“Tony, m’just sayin’–”

“No stop!” Tony raised his voice and Bucky frowned. “What about  _any_ of this has been easy? Saying goodbye to you and thinking you were gone? Finding out you weren’t gone and that instead you’d been tortured for most of a century? Standing on a bridge in DC and you not knowing you who were, who I was?”

“Sweet thing–” Bucky murmured when he saw the pain in Tony’s eyes. “Hey hey, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. I just can’t stop waiting for the other shoe t’drop. It’s what I’m used to. I didn’t mean to make you made, I just–”

“Here.” Tony hopped on one foot trying to get his sneaker off, then chucked it right towards the front door, the shoe bouncing off with a dull thud. “There’s the other shoe. It’s dropped. Stop waiting for it!”

“What’d you do that for, now you only got one shoe on.” Bucky said quietly, and Tony looked down at the muddy ground in disgust. “I’m sorry for gettin’ you upset.”

“No I’m–” Tony peeled off his sock and then abandoned his other shoe all together, resigning himself to standing in bare feet in front of the grill and exhaling loudly. “I’m sorry for overreacting. I over reacted. Doesn’t make any sense at all, but it sorta pisses me off that you’re worried something bad is gonna happen. I mean, it makes me sad that you think something else is going to happen but it makes me mad too, that anytime life was good you knew it was just a matter of time before it went bad again.”

Tony shook his head. “I’m talking in circles, aren’t I? Thought I made it through all five stages of grief but nope, looks like I keep circling right back around to anger.  _Christ_.”

“I don’t–”

“Yeah, I know you don’t get that reference.” Tony busied himself messing with the steaks, asking JARVIS to set another timer and watching the sun set off across the end of the yard for several minutes before he was ready to talk again.

“Here’s the thing, Buck. You and I–we have had to fight for every second of happiness we get. We’ve had to work at it and bend the rules and fucking–” he laughed bitterly, dragging his fingers through his hair. “–fucking _time travel_  and you’ve gone through things that no one else on earth has, and I’ve survived things I had no business surviving and we’ve taken on governments to get you home and lost loved ones and–”

Tony took in a deep, calming breath and this time when he looked at Bucky his smile was sad. “Brooklyn, the only thing that’s been too easy about us was falling in love. That was the easiest thing I’ve ever done. And then the other shoe dropped– seventy years of absolute bullshit.  _That_ was the other shoe. It’s dropped, we can stop waiting for it. This–” he motioned between them. “This is supposed to be our happily ever after, don’t you think we deserve something easy? Just once? No more shoes?”

Bucky put his drink aside and held out his hand and Tony abandoned the grill in favor of sliding onto his lap, burying his face in Bucky’s neck so maybe he wouldn’t cry, not even so much as whimpering when Bucky’s grip edged towards too tight because there was no way in hell Tony wanted to let go.

“How are your feet?” Bucky asked after several minutes and Tony mumbled, “Covered in mud. It’s gross.”

“Steaks?”

“Definitely burnt. We’re going to have to eat sandwiches.”

“In a few minutes though, right?” Bucky eased his hold just enough for Tony to take a full breath. “I don’t gotta let go of you yet?”

“In a few minutes.” Tony agreed. “That sounds good.”

*******************

“Sometimes I feel like I’m watching my life happen.” Bucky said as they lay in bed that night, legs tangled and fingers linked, Tony’s head pillowed over Bucky’s heart, naked and close under the blankets. “Do you know what I mean?”

“Yep.” Tony was drawing idle patterns down Bucky’s left arm, tracing the seam and curve of the plates, enjoying the feel of Bucky’s leg wedged between his own, the soft but thick length pressing at his thigh. “Like if you tell yourself something often enough, you’ll eventually believe it but it’s still a fact you were  _told_ , not one you discovered for yourself.”

“Right.” Bucky closed his eyes when Tony shifted over further to lay a gentle kiss on one of the worst scars. “That’s right. That’s how I feel about most things I know about myself. I know them now, but for a long time it was just what I read in the museums. Like my name, Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes. Bucky. I didn’t know that, I read it somewhere. So I wrote it over and over and over until I believed it.”

“…and Brooklyn?”

“I knew that was my name.” A smile at the brush of Tony’s lips at his cheek. “ _Always_ knew that one. Made my head hurt so bad, thought I was gonna scream when that memory came back but I knew that name before I knew my actual one. I never forgot you Tony. I didn’t even know my real name, but you were still there.”

They were quiet again, their breathing syncing and heartbeats slowing together until Bucky whispered, “I love you.”

Tony went very still. “… _what_?”

“I love you.” Bucky said it again, testing the words on his tongue and quietly loving the way they came so easy. “I love you.”

Whatever Tony said in response was lost when he surged up to crush their mouths together, sliding over until he was straddling Bucky’s waist, digging his fingers into the long hair and dragging Bucky close for more and more and  _more_.

“Is that something you had to tell yourself?” Tony demanded, eyes wild and a little vulnerable. “Is that– did Steve have to tell you that and then you had to write it down until you believed it or–?”

“No.” Bucky smoothed Tony’s hair back from his forehead and shook his head. “No, Tony I knew that. I knew I loved someone who called me Brooklyn, knew I loved someone with brown eyes and a gorgeous smile.”

“And even–” he hesitated now, searching Tony’s eyes for any hint of upset or censure. “Tony, even when you were my mission. I couldn’t– I didn’t–” Tony’s brows drew together and Bucky gathered his courage. “–even  _then_ I knew I loved you. When I didn’t know you at all, I knew I loved you.”

“Fuck.” Tony swore, then swore again. “ _Fuck_ , Bucky–”

“Peggy told me that when I knew I loved you, I had to tell you.” Bucky interrupted and Tony’s head snapped back up. “She made me promise that when I knew for sure, I would tell you because you would need to hear it. And I should’a turned around and told you right then but I was– I was scared.”

“…why?”

“Because I didn’t know if you’d want me when you had Stevie.” Bucky said simply. “And I didn’t know if you’d want me when you found out I couldn’t be with ya like we used to. And I thought if I said it and you didn’t, that it might actually kill me, y’know. I was  _scared_.”

“So why–” Tony spread his fingers over Bucky’s chest and pressed down, letting the soldier take his weight. “–why now?”

“Cos I know you love me.” Straightforward and honest. “You haven’t said it prob’ly cos you’re worried about scarin’ me off, but I know you do. Just like I knew you did that night at the fair when we talked about havin’ a life together. Havin’ this life–” he sent a quick glance around the cabin. “– _this_ life together. You wouldn’t’ve done this if you didn’t love me, Tony. You don’t gotta say it yet but–”

“I love you.” Tony whispered and Bucky whispered back, “Oh, I love you too, sweet thing.”

*********************

In the morning they took a shower together, nothing but the rising sun through the bathroom window giving them just enough light to see.

Tony took his time washing Bucky, standing on his toes to lather the shampoo into Bucky’s long hair, soaping his hands and washing the damaged skin stretching over broad shoulders, carefully so carefully around the scars, scratching lightly across the expanse of muscles that shifted and flexed beneath his palm as he moved towards Bucky’s waist.

A quick check in, nothing more than a glance and Bucky thunked his head back against the shower wall when Tony’s slick hand closed around him and then drifted further behind to his sac and he hissed out a breath at the first touch over such sensitive skin. Tony spent a few minutes relearning the length and weight of every inch of his soldier, not shying away even when the heavy cock plumped in his grasp, knowing the reaction was mostly involuntary, that Bucky didn’t really  _want_ regardless of what his body was doing.

But he checked in against anyway just to be sure, a quick glance up to see if everything was still alright and when Bucky nodded, Tony left a kiss at the vee of his hips before continuing on.

“Thank you.” Bucky muttered and Tony didn’t acknowledge it with anything more than a hum, kneading his knuckles at the back of powerful thighs and down into muscular calves before starting the journey back up, not ignoring but not lingering over any particular spot until they were eye to eye again.

“Squeaky clean?” Tony teased and Bucky smiled into a long kiss, more emotional than he was ready to admit over the intimacy of their time together. Lazy touches and slow mornings were a luxury they had never had before, the time to just touch because they could, no urgency, no worries about being caught. It was a luxury and he  _loved_ it.

_He loved Tony._

“I love you.”

“ _Mmmm_.” Tony sighed and pushed the bottle of body wash into Bucky’s hand. “I’d love you more if you washed me too.”

Bucky spent a long time on Tony’s hair, coaxing Tony to lay back against his shoulder so the bubbles wouldn’t get into his eyes then adding more soap to pour down his chest, wiping the suds from the arc reactor casing and wrapping Tony in a one armed hug for just a moment, the silver of his left hand resting securely over the blue reactor.

Then he moved south following the curve of Tony’s ribs down to his hips, his fingers trailing through the smattering of dark curls that led between Tony’s legs. Another check in, a murmured question and a quiet, “You don’t have to–” and Bucky made sure to use his right hand to touch Tony, holding him steady with his left when Tony jerked,  _groaned_ over the feel of Bucky’s calloused palm on his cock.

“Bucky–” his knees went weak at that first stroke from base to tip and he managed, “Don’t– baby– if you don’t want–”

“Let’s see if I remember how to do this.” Bucky nibbled at Tony’s ear lobe and the smaller brunette sagged in his arms with a hoarse, “ _Please_.”

Bucky remembered alright, he knew just how much pressure to use, how tight to keep his fingers, the way to twist his wrist over the tip so Tony would curse out loud. He kept one hand over Tony’s heart and used the other to wind Tony up embarrassingly fast, no more than a few minutes before Tony’s mouth was falling open and his body tensing, spilling into Bucky’s fist.

“Sweet thing.” Bucky groaned, sucking a hard kiss over Tony’s pulse. “ _Christ_ –”

He didn’t  _want_ , not anymore but that didn’t mean it wasn’t amazing to watch Tony come apart, to hear him come apart, to feel the way his heart was pounding and his body racking with shivers.

“So you– you remembered, huh?” When Tony could finally talk again, the first thing he did was get sassy and Bucky muffled a laugh into his hair. “Didn’t uh– my  _god_ , am I dehydrated after that– didn’t forget how to do that?”

“Come here and let me finish.” Bucky was still grinning as he went back to washing Tony off, wiping the release from Tony’s stomach and sharing uncoordinated kisses over smiles and soft words.

They stayed in the shower for a long time after, sitting down in the tub together with Tony secure between Bucky’s legs and his head back on Bucky’s shoulder, talking quietly about nothing at all simply because they could, because after all these years and everything that had happened, they finally had the chance to just  _be_ together.

The water finally went cold though, dropping from warm to  _freezing_ fast enough to make Tony shriek and scramble awkwardly,  _hilariously_ up and out of the wet tub in a desperate grab for towels.

Bucky laughed and laughed until his sides were splitting and Tony was scowling, threatening to hide his towel if Bucky didn’t ‘cut that shit out’ but he quit grumbling when Bucky got to his feet and kissed him as sweetly as he could.

“I forgive you.” Tony decided over another kiss. “But only because  _damn_ do I love to hear you laugh, babe.”

*********************

Steve arrived later that afternoon, opening the cabin door to find Bucky stretched out on the couch with Tony napping next to him, the fire crackling behind the grate and music playing courtesy of JARVIS on Tony’s phone.

“Hey.” Steve dropped his bag on the floor and jogged over to the couch, bending down to give Bucky as tight a hug as he could manage without disrupting Tony’s sleep. “Jesus, Buck. I’ve been worried about you.”

“We’re fine.” Bucky hooked his arm around Steve’s neck and hugged him right back. “We’re fine.”

Steve dropped a quick kiss on Bucky’s forehead which was– well a little unexpected, but Bucky didn’t comment on it, knowing Steve wasn’t near as put together as he was pretending to be, feeling the tremble in the big hands.

“Can I see him?” Steve’s smile was so  _so_ soft when he finally switched his attention to Tony. “How long has he been asleep?”

“I’d  _still_ be asleep if you had mastered the art of tip toeing.” Tony cracked an eye open to peer up at him. “Hey Spangles.”

“Hey sweetheart.” Steve lifted Tony right off the couch and into his arms, backpedaling towards the nearest recliner and dropping into it with an armful of sleepy brunette. “How are you?”

“ _Mmmm_. Better.” Tony sighed in contentment when Steve cupped his jaw and kissed him for a long time, wriggling closer when those big hands landed at his ass. “So much better.”

“I missed you.” Steve breathed in the scent of shampoo from Tony’s hair and smiled at Bucky over his head. “Both of you. It was weird being in the Tower without you guys. Bucky, you and I have been sleeping in adjoining rooms for like six months now and Tony always comes home to the Tower when I get back from a mission and I dunno, it just seemed like it was extra empty, even with Clint and Natasha around and oh, Tony, Dr. Banner called and wanted to now if he could–”

“You’re doing that thing.” Tony interrupted. “That thing where you ramble so you don’t think we notice how upset you are.”

“ _You_ do that.” Steve frowned. “I don’t do that.”

“You sorta do it.” Bucky got up from the couch and stretched, bending to kiss Tony’s cheek and pat Steve on the shoulder before heading for the kitchen. “You need somethin’ to drink?”

“Just water.” Steve called, and then to Tony, “Honey, how are you? I  _missed_ you.”

“I missed you too.” Tony tried to lean away so he could see Steve’s expression but the blonde shook his head, holding him tight. “Spangles, what’s wrong?”

“I was worried–” Steve’s voice caught. “ _Christ_ , Tony, I was worried that I’d lose you both after all this. I was so relieved when you called, I didn’t know what had happened and I didn’t know if you guys had made up or if you’d decided–”

“If you say you were afraid I couldn’t love you and Bucky both so I was giving you up, I swear I’ll smack you right on that star spangled ass.” Tony tried even harder to pull away. “Steve! We’ve had this conversation a hundred times! It’s not going to happen, so cut that shit out!”

“I wasn’t worried about that.” Steve soothed him, then admitted, “I was more worried you’d decided this whole mess wasn’t worth it anymore. Seemed like every time the three of us started doing alright together, something else would happen and I was afraid that this–”

“–was when the other shoe dropped.” Bucky said as he came back with water and when both Tony and Steve looked up in surprise, he pointed to his ears. “Think my hearin’ is better than yours is, Stevie. Could hear ya from the kitchen. You’re waitin’ for something to go wrong and figured when this all happened with me and Tony, this was it.”

“Well–” Steve looked between the two of them in confusion. “Well yeah. Did you guys already talk about this?”

“We sure did.” Tony took the bottle of water Bucky handed him and tipped his head back for a kiss the soldier gladly gave. “It involved me throwing my shoe at the door and burning steaks and we considered the topic finished.”

“Burning steaks, huh?” Steve poked at Tony’s side and laughed when Tony jabbed him right back. “Throwing shoes?”

“I use a lot of imagery when I talk.” Tony defended. “A shoe was necessary.”

“I said something stupid about how it was too easy between me and Tony.” Bucky began. “And he informed me–”

“–that the only thing  _easy_ about any of this has been falling in love.” Steve didn’t take his eyes off Tony, leaning in to brush their noses together when Tony nodded. “I know the feeling.”

“I love you so much.” Tony whispered, their mouths meeting in a gentle kiss. “Jesus, Spangles.”

“–exactly that.” Bucky finished. “And then he flung a shoe at the door and told me that  _there_ was th’ other shoe, it had dropped and I should stop talking about it cos this was our happily ever after.”

“Happily ever after, huh?” Steve looked up and around the cabin, over at the pictures and flowers at the mantle, to the recliners in the colors he had picked out, to Bucky who looked as comfortable as he’d ever been in a couch that had clearly been purchased to easily fit three if not four people across, the kitchen where he could see the table with three chairs, the entire house designed with the three of them in mind. “Sounds okay to me.”

“Happily ever after.” Tony said firmly.  “Took us seventy years and ice and time travel and a whole lot of other crap, but we made it right?”

“We made it.” Steve held Tony tight for another kiss and then stood to carry him back to the couch and tuck him back in next to Bucky. “I’m going to put my bag away then maybe we can go for a run or something?”

“Yeah.” Bucky slid his fingers into Tony’s hair and kissed him sweet and slow, his left arm winding securely around Tony’s waist to keep him close. “Yeah Stevie, that sounds good.”

Steve left them there while he went upstairs to put his bag away, smiling over the art supplies in the closet and his jacket already hanging up. He ran his hand over Bucky’s journal then put it back on the shelf, stripped off his long sleeve and changed into a fresh t shirt and then peeked over the rail and–

“Damn.” He swallowed hard when he saw Tony laughing at something Bucky had said, the two of them lying close enough for Bucky’s hair to fall into Tony’s face when he turned them both, pinning Tony neatly to the cushions and kissing him for a long time.

Tony’s eyes were still closed, a blissful smile on his face when Bucky shifted to look at the loft, mouthing  _what_? and when Steve frowned, rolling his eyes and pointing to his ears again.

“Nothing.” Steve said quietly and when Bucky raised his eyebrows, Steve shrugged and raised his voice only enough for Bucky to hear, “It’s just– when we used to say end of the line? This is what I pictured, right here.”

“You up in the loft while me and Tony are down here?” Bucky challenged and Steve shrugged. “Well get down here then, punk.”

Steve jogged down the stairs, snarking “Jerk.” as he kicked off his shoes and squeezed onto the couch. “Don’t gotta be rude about it.”

“Stubborn ass.” Bucky grumbled and between them, Tony sighed overly loud. “What’s th’matter, sweet thing?”

“Is happily ever after going to include a whole bunch of super soldier arguing, cos I gotta say–”

“Tony, you knew we were like this back before the war.” Steve retorted, snugging Tony tight against his chest. “Too late to back out now.”

“The hell it is!”

“End’a the line, Tony!” Bucky said loudly and Steve cracked up laughing. “Too late to back out now!”

“What a shame.” Tony snuggled in between them, one hand playing with the strands of Bucky’s hair, the other resting at Steve’s hip. “What a damn shame.” 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A sneak peek into life at the cabin, then the boys make it home to New York. Sweetness and fluff, a smidge of barely there plot, just our faves in love and figuring out life together

The first night Steve slept at the cabin there was a hilariously complicated discussion of which of them would sleep  _where_ in the giant bed, with Steve listing several well thought out reasons as to why he should be able to sleep closest to window. **  
**

Tony shut him down neatly by declaring, “Spangles, anytime you’re near a window you are throwing yourself out of it just to be dramatic. Why would I let you start out mornings by jumping out of the loft to get a head start on the morning run?” and Bucky howled with laughter over Steve’s offended expression.

“I don’t  _always_ jump out windows!” he shot back and Bucky laughed even louder. “Fine. Fine! Bucky can sleep closest to the window then.”

“Wait, what if  _I_  want to sleep by the window?” Tony pointed out, sticking his nose in the air when two super soldier leveled incredulous looks his way. “Don’t look at me like that, I’m allowed to sleep by the window!”

“You absolutely are not.” Steve disagreed at the same time Bucky retorted, “Th’hell ya are!”

“We need you right in the middle.” Steve explained, patting the center of the bed. “That way Bucky can protect you from one side and I can protect you from the other.”

“You’re joking, right?” Tony looked between the two of them in disbelief. “I don’t need protection, Spangles. I’m Iron Man. You think I don’t have a suit here?” he marched over and tapped at the wall, a panel shifting aside to show a fully assembled suit. “The cabin isn’t AI wired like the Tower is, but JARVIS is still present and I could be at the bar having a drink and call for the suit and it would show up in exactly two minutes and thirteen seconds. I’ve timed it. I’m fine. Don’t need protection.” 

“You sleep in the middle.” Bucky said flatly.

“I’m not joking!” Tony raised his voice, pushing his sleeves up to show them the still fading marks that tracked from his wrist up to his elbow. “I have sensors in my arms that will call the suit if my heart rate spikes above a certain speed or if my oxygen level drops or–”

“Did you do that after New York?” Steve inclined his head towards the faint scars. “After Loki threw you out of the window?”

“Yep. That’s about when I had the idea, yeah.” 

“Wait, you got thrown out a window?” Bucky cut in and Tony sighed loudly. “No sugar, you are  _definitely_ sleeping in the middle.”

“I am not helpless!” Tony protested. “You guys don’t need to be over protective of me!”

“Tony.” Steve stepped forward and folded Tony into his arms, gathering him close and hushing his protests. “Sweetheart, we  _know_ you aren’t helpless. We just want you tucked in safe and close between us, that’s all.”

“Then why did you–” Tony tried to fuss and Steve locked his arms so he couldn’t move away. “Steve, I’m serious! Bucky, I know you’ve never really seen me in action but the Iron Man suit is–”

“Sweet thing.” Bucky budged up behind Tony and pressed a kiss to his cheek, soothing the genius quiet. “Baby doll, we were just teasin’ ya about bein’ helpless. Stevie’s right, we just want ya close and with both of us in th’ same bed, you gotta be in the middle so we can both hold ya, right?”

His usually non existent Brooklyn accent was poured on exaggeratedly thick, the words lazy and little more than a croon into Tony’s ear and Steve rolled his eyes when Tony went quickly,  _predictably_ quiet between them, tipping his head back onto Bucky’s shoulder and closing his eyes.

“ _It’s to keep him safe._ ” The words were inaudible to anyone but Bucky, Steve raising his eyebrows meaningfully, and Bucky muttered back an equally nearly inaudible, “ _Course it is_.”

“I heard that.” Tony snorted and Steve leaned in to kiss his lips.

“No you didn’t.”

The next morning Tony woke up with his face buried in Bucky’s chest and that unyielding metal arm wrapped around his waist. Steve was snugged tight to his back, huffing warm breaths at his ear, his calloused palm resting protectively over the arc reactor.

Tony was squished between them, hot enough that he was sweating through his jammie pants, unable to wiggle more than a few inches without running into super soldier bulk and as he wished  _desperately_ that he’d thought to turn on the fan so there would be at least a cool breeze on his face–

–he’d also never been so happy to wake up in his entire life.

So he pressed a kisses to Bucky’s scratchy chin until he was rewarded with a sleepy smile, wriggled his butt back against Steve until the blonde hummed something unintelligibly sweet against his neck, then Tony closed his eyes and went back to sleep.

Or rather, he  _would_ have gone back to sleep except five am meant running time and in less than three minutes he went from sweating to death between two super soldiers to shrieking in alarm as they both bolted out of bed and into running clothes, then leapt out the window and took off across the clearing, leaving Tony dying of laughter in the pile of discarded blankets and pillows.

“Are you done being dramatic?” He asked when they returned an hour later for coffee and breakfast. “Or are you going to leap out the window every morning just to fuck with me?”

“Good morning sweetheart.” Steve swooped in for a long kiss and Tony squawked in alarm, smacking at his arms and shuddering over sweaty kisses. “You will take a sweaty kiss and you will  _like_ it.” Steve demanded teasingly.

Bucky wasn’t much better, burying his hands in Tony’s hair and kissing him for several minutes, not letting up until Tony had stopped complaining and was sagging back against the counter with weak knees and glazed eyes.

“You’re both disgusting.” Tony shook himself enough to say. “I will be giving out exactly zero more kisses until showers are had.”

“Me first.” Bucky shoved Steve about through the wall and took off for the shower, cheering loudly when he locked the door just seconds in front of Steve. “I’m always gonna be faster than you, Stevie!”

“It’s good to hear you guys teasing each other.” Tony grinned when Steve came back to the kitchen looking entirely disgruntled. “Almost seems like maybe we all didn’t have the worst few years of our life recently, huh?” 

“Yeah.” Steve was a little peeved at Bucky’s antics, but his smile was still a whole lot fond. “Yeah, it feels just like old times for the most part.”

“I was going to make toast and eggs.” Tony said, turning back to the stove. “But I can throw in some of that left over steak if you need some protein– _oh_!” he startled when Steve’s hands landed low on his hips and he was dragged back into a hard body. “–uh Steve?”

“Feels like old times for the  _most_ part.” Steve repeated, mouthing a kiss to the hinge of Tony’s jaw. “Except for the part where I get to do  _this_ sorta thing.”

“Oh yeah?” Tony turned off the stove burner and pushed his rear back, thrilling through a shiver when Steve  _groaned_ and tightened his grip. “You in a particular mood, Captain?”

“I’ve missed you.” Steve admitted, his voice hoarse and fingers greedy as they slid beneath the waist of Tony’s sleep pants. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you and Bucky had the time together to get where you needed to be but  _baby_ –”

“Well shit.” Tony nearly bit through his tongue when Steve shifted behind him, thick cock slotting into the cleft of his rear, hot and  _throbbing_ even through their clothes. “We should– should– couch? Bed?” 

“Right here.”

“Absolutely not in my brand new kitchen.”

“Upstairs.  _Now_.”

Bucky hadn’t known if the hot water in the cabin was as limitless as it was in the Tower so he kept his shower to no more than ten minutes, drying off thoroughly so he didn’t drip water on the floor, then opened the door and hollered for Steve to hurry up and get clean.

Steve came thumping down the stairs a minute later, a stupid goofy smile on his face and holding hands with an equally smiley Tony.

“Hey.” Tony flushed dark red when he saw Bucky waiting, but Bucky just shook his head and tugged Tony close for a hug, quietly loving the way Tony melted right into his chest with a contented sigh.

Steve kissed Tony on the cheek, patted Bucky on the shoulder and headed in for his own shower as Tony whispered, “This is okay, right?”

“Sure thing, sweet thing.” Bucky closed his eyes and smiled when Tony only pressed closer. “S’always okay.” 

*********************

Time passed at the cabin in the same sort of way that long summer days did, without a schedule, without any acknowledgment of work or responsibilities, without a care for the way phones buzzed with calls or text messages .

Some mornings were lazy as the three of them adjusted to being the  _three_ of them, figuring out the most comfortable way to sleep so Tony was  ~~safe~~ shared evenly between Bucky and Steve, dealing with elbows in awkward places when one had to wriggle out to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, flipping a coin to see which of them got to shower with Tony or whether it was a morning where Tony announced he was showering by himself and didn’t reappear for half an hour.

Other mornings began with a sunrise run, Tony starting the coffee and curling up in Bucky or Steve’s still warm spots to read another chapter in his book. Those mornings, Tony had breakfast cooking away while Steve or Bucky took a shower, sharing long kisses with whichever one was the least sweatiest before they ate together in companionable silence.

Afternoons called for naps in the hammock out back or idle fishing from the river where it wound around the edge of the property or Steve posting up on the porch with his drawing supplies to sketch to his heart’s content. Tony tinkered with the junker truck he’d picked up for a few hundred dollars, his tools scattered around the yard and grease under his nails as he hummed along to his music. Bucky took up whittling and wood carving, his left hand calibrated to a finesse that human hands simply didn’t have and the joy he got from  _creating_ with his hands instead of everything  _else_ he’d always had to do with them was astounding. 

One day and one day only, Tony brought the armor out from the wall and powered it up, walking Bucky through the assembly and telling him about the changes he’d made after New York to ensure his safety. It could be remote operated but Tony still suited up and took off to the sky to show off the flight power, kicked the repulsors on and obliterated the big boulder on the very edge of the property, dodged and ducked and rolled and landed with a ground shaking  _boom_. 

Then he put the suit away because Bucky’s eyes had gone very wide and sort of afraid at the display, the sight of so much power making him nervous and Steve’s hands had been shaking when he gathered Tony into a hug because even though he was proud of the suit and of Tony’s genius, anytime he saw the suit he saw New York and he saw that fall and it always made him anxious. 

So Tony put the suit away and that was that, no more questions about Tony needing protection, no more issues with safety, and their days slipped back into idyllic, easy hours. 

Sometimes Bucky sweet talked Tony with gentle kisses and charming, teasing conversation until their nap in the hammock took a turn towards heated, Bucky enjoying every gasp and quiet moan from Tony’s lips and the way their hands wandered. Even if he himself didn’t  _want_ anymore, he would never ever get tired of having Tony back in his arms like this, not after thinking he had lost Tony all those years ago, not after all the nights he worried they would never even be able to share a smile, much less anything else. It was incredible. 

Other times it was Steve who coaxed Tony upstairs or out for a short hike or even just onto the porch swing, their kisses lazy and delicious, grinding against each other and grasping at every bit of exposed skin until Tony couldn’t keep quiet anymore and Steve was leaving bruises at Tony’s hips as he finished. Soft declarations of love, sappy comments about how sexy the other one was, drifting drowsily together in the afternoon sun– incredible

They took turns cooking dinner, always laughing at how much food Steve could put away and giving Bucky grief about burning the sauce and praising Tony when he finally managed to cook a decent steak. There was always dessert in the form of ice cream, Tony and Steve sharing stories of all the times during the USO they had eaten ice cream together, Bucky laughing or grieving in turn as they talked about some of the harder moments.

“It all just felt fake.” Steve admitted one night. “Just– my body didn’t feel like me, and these girls wouldn’t have looked at me twice a few months ago, and soldiers were saluting and senators wanted to shake my hand. What, cos I was suddenly tall? Cos they trained the Brooklyn out of me and now I talked like an All American poster child? It was  _fake_.”

“He wanted to be out fighting.” Tony chimed in. “Doing what you did, Bucky bear. Instead he was wearing tights and sparkles and reciting the literal cheesiest lines you’ve ever heard in your life. It was awful.”

He took a big bite of ice cream and added, “For him. Fairly hilarious for me.”

“Thanks for that.” Steve flung a spoonful of ice cream at Tony, who  _ack_!ed as he tried to duck. “Jerk.”

“ _Punk_.” both Tony and Bucky said at the same time, then smiled and leaned over and kissed each other.

Every day wasn’t perfect of course. There were moments where phone calls came that Tony couldn’t ignore and he was tense for hours afterwards. Times when Steve’s sketches turned toward memories and they would find him with his face in his hands, the charcoal on a sketch of Peggy or the watercolor of his ma smearing with tears.

And there were nightmares, because despite their happiness  _now_ , the three of them had been through enough to break even the strongest spirit and some nights it was Bucky who woke with a scream, lashing out blindly and Steve had to snatch Tony and roll out of the bed to make sure he wasn’t accidentally hurt. Other nights it was Steve whose arms closed too tight around Tony’s waist as he fought in his dreams to keep the people he loved and Bucky had to pry his arms apart and check Tony for bruises before Steve could see and get upset about it.

And less often than they would have thought, Tony’s dreams had him waking up in a cold sweat, panting and grasping at both of them because he was afraid they weren’t really  _there_.

“What do you dream about?” Bucky asked one night after a particularly bad episode, staring dully into his bowl of ice cream. “I dream about falling. Seeing the train disappear, how cold it was in the snow, how bad it hurt to hit the ground.”

“I dream about falling.” Tony echoed, stirring the melted mess that was the last of his dessert. “My suit shutting down in space and knowing the wormhole was closing behind me and that one shitty moment before I woke up on the ground when I thought I was dead.”

Steve’s bowl was cracking in his hands as he muttered, “I dream about watching the two of you fall. Having to stand there and see my whole world slip away and not being strong enough to save either you.”

“We’re a fuckin’ mess, aren’t we?” Bucky said with a rueful smile.

“Yeah.” Tony agreed. “But we’re a mess together and that’s all that matters.”

“Back to bed.” Steve decided, collecting the bowls and throwing his cracked one away. “We’ll seem like less of a mess when the sun is up.”

*******************

Real life had to intrude into their quiet happiness eventually, and it came in the form of an impromptu visit from Colonel Rhodes and Pepper, the helicopter arriving unexpectedly one afternoon and landing in the clearing.

“Tones.” Rhodey helped Pepper out and across the clearing then dropped her hand in favor of wrapping Tony in a hug. “What the hell, would you stop disappearing for months at a time? I’m going gray with worry.”

“Okay, but to be fair?” Tony hugged his best friend back just as tight for just as long. “This is a little different than the last time I disappeared for months. At least I was in the same time zone this time and you know, not being tortured.”

“What have I told you–” Tony  _wheezed_ when the Colonel’s hug became less friendly and more of a stranglehold. “–about joking about Afghanistan? Too soon, Tony. It will always be too soon. Do  _not_ joke about Afghanistan.” 

“My bad.” Tony coughed when Rhodey finally let him go, and turned to give Pepper a much gentler hug. “You look beautiful, Pep. Being in love looks good on you.”

“I’m well aware.” Pepper’s cheeks went pink with pleasure. “But I could say the same thing about you. A few weeks away here with your soldiers has fixed just about everything, hasn’t it?”

“You say fixed everything like there was multiple things wrong with me!” Tony said with a faux offended gasp. “I’ll have you know–”

“You were too skinny, your sleeping habits were terrible, you most certainly weren’t eating–” Pepper started counting off on her fingers. “–your taste in clothing was terrible even though I don’t know how much I love this whole  _flannel_ thing you’ve got going on either. You never left your lab and were pale enough I was starting to worry you’d turned into a vampire–”

“That’s quite enough from you.” Tony interrupted and behind them, Steve burst out laughing. “What are you guys doing here anyway? I figured you’d call before coming up.”

“I’ve called you fourteen times in the last three days.” Rhodey interjected. “If you answered your phone, you’d know that.”

“We sort of decided to only answer our phones if it had something to do with Bucky and Steve’s status with the UN or if the world was going to hell.” Tony said firmly. “Which means I’ve answered it all of twice this entire times. Besides, no offense Platypus, but your ‘oh no the world is ending’ phone privileges were cancelled after you panic dialed me when you couldn’t find your tie for your promotion ceremony, remember?”

“I had to be promoted to Colonel wearing a rubber ducky tie.” Rhodey informed Bucky and Steve and Tony grinned unrepentant. “It’s good to see you both looking so happy, by the way. For a couple of Brooklyn boys, you’re sure settled into cabin life.”

“Tony makes it easy.” Bucky said truthfully, his face wreathing in smiles when Pepper came up the porch steps to give him a hug. “Ms. Potts, how are you?”

“Just fine, Sergeant Barnes.” Pepper held him a minute longer than was strictly necessary and her green eyes were suspiciously bright when she finally pulled away, whispering just for him to hear, “I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to see you smile. There was a time we thought that would never happen again.”

“Captain Rogers.” her hug for Steve was shorter but no less heartfelt. “Are you taking care of these two for me?”

“I’m trying, ma’am.” Steve said honestly and she winked at him.

“It’s time to come home, Tony.” Rhodey said then and the smile slipped from Tony’s face. “Not only is the UN clamoring for some face time with Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes here, but with SHIELD scattered in various pieces at the bottom of the river in DC, there’s a real need for you to step up and give the Avengers a platform, put some validity behind them. Right now people are tossing around phrases like ‘super heroes running amok’ and ‘are they really heroes when they aren’t managed’. The Accords are still a real thing and there is room for some serious revisions, but that won’t happen without you guys present and speaking up, alright?”

“Alright.” Tony frowned and both Pepper and Rhodey raised surprised eyebrows when Steve and Bucky moved immediately to hold one of his hands. “You’re um– you’re right. This has been fun pretending we’re the only three people in the world–” his tilted his head when Steve kissed his cheek. “–but yeah. We’ve got responsibilities. Governments and super hero stuff and–” he blew out a deep breath and this time it was Bucky who drew him in closer. “Yep. You’re right.”

“I’m sorry, Tones.” Honest, and just a hint regretful from the Colonel. “It’s been a real long time since you were even close to this happy and while I absolutely do not want to see you making out with two super soldiers–  _stop that right now_!–” Tony tossed him a shit eating grin and kissed Bucky just as soundly as he’d been kissing Steve just to hear his best friend curse. “–I still really hate to pull you away from it all. But real life time, alright? The sooner we get this handled, the sooner you guys can go back to playing Threesome Lumberjacks–” Pepper cackled with laughter. “–somewhere where I don’t have to watch. Tony? Tony! I said somewhere I  _don’t_ have to watch! Oh for fucks sake—”

********************

********************

It was surreal being back in New York, but it wasn’t all bad.

The grin on Tony’s face when he walked into his lab to JARVIS’s slightly less calm than normal, “ _Welcome home, sir_.” and the bots literally lighting up and sounding off with gentle clicks and beeps as if they’d missed him was fantastic..

And the cabin was certainly home but it still felt great for Steve to shower in his en suite and wrap up in his favorite robe before face planting onto the bed with a mattress Tony had specifically picked out to accommodate the weight and size of a super soldier who ran warmer than usual.  

Bucky missed the quiet of the woods and the simplicity of their life upstate, but he couldn’t deny appreciating having clothes that weren’t flannel or stiff denim, and the soothing colors of his room made the transition easier as well, soothing the jittery nerves from the helicopter ride and the still lingering anxiety that came just from being in the city.

Sam Wilson came by to see them first, full of smiles and friendly hugs, snarky comments for Bucky and teasing jabs at Steve.

“You were gone so long they were about ready to give me the shield.” he boasted, flexing his arms proudly. “I’m a full blown Avenger now and definitely next in line for that title of Captain, don’t you think?”

“I think you’re right, Sam.” Steve put as much of that  _Captain_ tone into his voice as he could, straightening his shoulders and using his cheesiest, most patriotic-ly earnest grin. “Because in our hearts, we are all Captain America, aren’t we? Our shield is bravery in the face of bullying, steadfastedness in the face of trials, honesty in the face of–”

“Alright, that’s enough of that.” Sam brushed Steve’s hand off his shoulder. “Damn. How do you say all that with a straight face?”

“Years of practice.” Bucky threw a balled up sock at Steve. “Put a line’a pretty girls behind him high kickin’ to some music and he can spout that shit all night.”

Sam’s laughter caught the attention of Clint and Natasha who ducked into Steve’s room and took over the couch by the window to catch them up on what had been happening with the remnants of SHIELD, the latest HYDRA operative tracked down and thrown into a dark cell deep in a prison that may or may not exist on paper, and the rest of the general going ons.

The UN had backed off their hard approach to the Accords and public support for the Avengers and other associated super powered individuals– like the guy in Queens who scampered around the city dressed in red and blue and used webs, yes  _webs_ , to get from building to building– had done nothing but increase the longer the SHIELD files were out in the open and the more secrets that came to light.

“People are scared of the police.” Clint commented. “More so than usual, I mean. Now that all of SHIELD’s and half of HYDRA’s bullshit is out there for public consumption, there’s been a big uprising calling for more accountability for law enforcement and politicians, seeing as how so many of them had been involved in an organization of fuckin’  _Nazis_.”

“They want heroes like that Spider-kid and whoever the hell the Daredevil is because they are on the streets every night keeping things in check.” Natasha finished. “And they want heroes like Captain America and company because what if the sky opens up again? If the good guys look like the Hulk, what do the bad guys look like? The people are scared and it doesn’t really help that you two disappeared to the woods for close to a month.  _#wheresmysnackpack_  has been trending for a week and half now.”

“Kill me.” Steve groaned and Clint chuckled at him. “That’s not going to die down anytime soon, is it?”

“Oh you haven’t seen the key chains?” Sam asked innocently, and held up his set of keys, jingling a shield shaped charm with  _#starspangledsnackpack_  printed across it. “You should definitely get a key chain.”

“Kill me.” Steve said louder and the conversation moved to lighter topics, casual chats and easy laughs until it was about time to call it a night, and Steve’s room emptied of all but Bucky.

“You alright?” Steve asked as he changed into his sleep pants. “You were quiet there for a while.”

“M’fine.” Bucky stretched out on Steve’s bed and pillowed his arm behind his head, letting his eyes drift shut. “Just feels weird to be alone in my room when it’s time for bed. Figured I’d sleep in here with you.” 

“Yeah.” Steve left the door to the bathroom open as he brushed his teeth. “Yeah, I know the feeling. Been sleeping all crowded together under the same blankets for so long, now my bed feels too big.”

“Yep.” Bucky kept his eyes closed as Steve sat down on the mattress, smiling a little when the big blonde scooted closer so Bucky’s legs were braced at his back, Steve’s hand laying easily at Bucky’s knee. “We gonna go get Tony?”

“Bruce is down in the lab.” Steve traced the edge of the hole wearing in Bucky’s jeans idly. “So Tony could be down there for hours talking tech with him. He’s been in South America somewhere, using the Stark Industries Relief Aid to help with some sort of outbreak and m’sure Tony’s got a million questions about it.” 

“Bruce turns into the Hulk.” Bucky said slowly and Steve nodded. “So he took himself down to some torn up country to try and help people? Seems like he’s puttin’ himself in a position to be pissed off pretty quick. All sorts of war lords and rebels and crime down there– what is he thinking?”

“I’m pretty sure he’s thinking that since he can’t get sick, he can go into places no other doctors can.” Steve shrugged, nonplussed. “He can take in medicine to quarantined villages and save lives without endangering himself or any other healthy people. And if the rebels show up and cause trouble– well, you’ve seen the footage. Bruce can take anything they want to try and dish out without blinking.”

“And he has enough control over the Hulk to not hurt any innocent–”

“Should we kiss?” Steve interrupted and Bucky’s mouth fell open in surprise.

“I uh–” He looked absolutely flabbergasted. “ _What_? What th’ hell are you talking about? Why would we kiss? And how’d we go from talkin’ bout Bruce to talkin’ about this _?_ ”

“I just–” Steve wet his lips anxiously. “I didn’t– I didn’t do real well after you fell, Buck. And I only talked to Tony maybe one time but he told me um– he told me–that maybe you and I– I mean, maybe I was feeling–” 

He stopped, dragged in a deep breath. 

“Tony told me that I loved you.” Steve said all in a rush and Bucky nodded, still confused. 

“Well yeah Stevie, I could’a told you that.” 

“I mean, that I loved you different than how I thought I loved you?” Steve tried to explain, gesturing weakly between them. “Like maybe I loved you like–” he swallowed. “–like Tony loved you. Maybe I loved you the same way.” 

Bucky’s eyes widened, then darkened into something uncertain. “….Stevie.” 

“Look you– you loved me right? And planned on spending your life with me?” Bucky started to answer and Steve shook his head to hold him off. “I don’t mean like getting married or anything like that. I mean that with you liking fellas like you did, you weren’t gonna settle down with a dame. And me being me–” he motioned about as high as his former height. “– wasn’t like I was going to find someone to love either, right? So chances were, you and I were gonna end up living together.”

“I…guess?” Bucky said hesitantly, but his answer was more decisive the second time around. “Sure, Stevie. Yeah. I figured you an’ I would end up living together when I came home from war. Confirmed bachelors, you know? Never had a problem thinking that sorta thing. End’a the line.” 

“Right.” Steve ran his hands up and down his legs a few times as he gathered his courage. “So lately it seems like here we are again looking at spending the rest of our life together because of Tony. Do you think maybe we should see if there’s anything here for us too? We both love Tony and we love each other, so should we– should we see if we love each other like we love Tony?” 

“Stevie.” Bucky folded his legs up close to his body, clasping his hands in his lap. “Stevie, I thought you knew I don’t do that sorta thing anymore. Me and Tony– I love him but he and I don’t– not like you two do. And I love you too, but we’ve  _never_ done this sorta thing. Don’t know if I’d feel anything at all kissin’ on ya.” 

“Well you’d know if you liked it or not, right?” Steve said bluntly. “I’m not sayin’ you and I should be like me and Tony are, or even how you and Tony are, I’m just wondering if when I kiss Tony good morning I could maybe–” he cleared his throat. “–maybe kiss you too. That’s it. What if it wasn’t just you and Tony and then me and Tony, what if we were all together?What’s the worst that could happen?”

“I could punch ya.” Bucky deadpanned. “You could try to kiss me and I could punch ya.”

“I could take it.” Steve cracked a smile when Bucky did. “So. You want to try?”

“Yeah alright.” Bucky straightened up and motioned for Steve. “C’mere and kiss me then. See if we like it. Don’t have nothin’ to lose, right?” 

Steve started to lean forward, then leaned back again with a sheepish grin. “I’m way more nervous about this than I thought I’d be. What if you think I’m a bad kisser?”

“I’ve heard the noise Tony makes when you kiss him.” Bucky said with a crooked grin. “Try that sorta thing with me and m’sure it’ll be alright.”

“‘Kay.” Steve scooted closer, then closer again, not quite sure what to do with his hands because if it were  _Tony_ , he’d be playing with his hair or grabbing at his ass but he certainly wasn’t going to do that with Bucky. “Um, how should we–do you want to– where should I put my–”

“Christ.” Bucky scoffed a laugh. “How’d ya ever get a dame t’kiss ya when you’re this awkward? C’mere already.”

Bucky was nervous too, his words rolling rough and lazy like they used to back when they’d been two punk kids just trying to make it through the day without either of their ma’s catching them acting out and it made Steve smile to know Bucky was just an anxious as he was. 

Relieved he wasn’t the only one sort of panicking, Steve took a deep breath and leaned over to fit his palm to the back of Bucky’s neck, holding him steady and still as he brought their mouths together in a sweet kiss.

Bucky kissed him back immediately which was… surprising… but Steve didn’t back away from it, his fingers sure and steady as he combed them through Bucky’s hair, humming contentedly when Bucky’s arms crept around his waist.

They kissed for a long time, longer than either had planned and it was Steve who pulled away first, his eyes closed as he rested his forehead against Bucky’s, breathing out shakily.

“How–” Bucky sounded as unsteady as Steve felt. “How was that?”

“Well–”

“A- _hem_.” A noise from the door had them jumping apart, both turning to look at Tony with embarrassed expressions.

“Well well well.” Tony’s expression wasn’t embarrassed at all, even edging towards gleeful. “What do we have here? The two hottest soldiers I’ve ever see in my life  _kissing_? Is it my birthday? What’s with the smooches, guys?”

“It was Stevie’s idea.” Bucky said immediately and Steve scowled at him. “Thought we should kiss an’ see if we liked it. Thought maybe all three of us could–” he made a vague motion. “So we tried it.”

“And?” Tony prodded, folding his arms and leaning against the door jam, his smile softening when they both blushed.  _God he loved them_. “What did you guys think?”

Bucky met Steve’s gaze readily, nodding in agreement when he saw the answer waiting there.

“It was a great kiss.” Steve murmured and Tony grinned. “But I think we’d rather just kiss you, Tony. I love you, Buck. You’re my best friend but–”

“Yeah.” Bucky eased away and held out his hand for Tony, snuggling the smaller brunette squarely between them. “I love ya too Stevie. No one else I’d rather get to th’ end of the line with than you and Tony, but I don’t think I need’ta kiss you again.” 

“I love you guys for even trying.” Tony kissed Bucky and then Steve in turn. “But I’m fine with things just the way they are.” 

“Us too, sweetheart.” Steve kissed him back and got up off the bed to search for some more pajama pants. “Everyone okay with sleeping in here tonight?” 

“We could sleep in the penthouse.” Tony suggested and Bucky disagreed, “Already in here, sugar, no reason to move again.”

“Yeah alright.” Tony caught the pajamas Steve tossed him and retrieved something from the back of his jeans. “And if you’re feeling up to it tomorrow, I thought we could go somewhere fun.”

“Oh yeah? Where’s that?” 

Tony waited until Steve had joined them as well, the three of them crowded in the smaller bed, less comfortable than they’d been at the cabin but not willing to separate.

“How do you guys feel about going to a fair?”


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ….Here we are. Three books, almost 270k words, 51 weeks worth of writing and now it’s time to say goodbye to our Time Travel verse and send our faves off to their happily ever after. I hope you all enjoyed this journey as much as I did, all of you who stuck around from the first word of Time Falls Away through the angst of No Time Between Us and into Time Stands Still– you are amazing and I love you. 
> 
> (Also, I’m sobbing over having to say goodbye to this verse, send help.)

“Bruce.” Tony rapped at the door to the lab and Bruce looked up with a smile. “Hey, you got a minute? I was hoping to ask a favor.” **  
**

“It’s your lab, Tony.” Bruce took his glasses off and smoothed his hands through his hair so he didn’t look quite so mad-scientist. “You don’t have to knock and you can definitely ask me any favors you need.”

“Aw Brucie bear.” Tony dropped into a chair and spun around a few times. “You’re too good to me. So listen, I need you to take these–” from his jacket pocket, Tony held up three small tubes and handed them to Bruce. “– and run it all for me. Analyze it, break it down, tell me everything you can about every single ounce.”

“Is this blood?” Bruce held the vial up to the light and squinted at it. “Why does it look like– Tony, this doesn’t look right. What’s going on? Whose blood is this?” 

“I just need you to test it for me.”

“No really.” Bruce put his glasses back on and peered even closer at the tube. “Tony whose blood is this? Bucky’s? Steve? This is not normal.” 

“I just need you to test it for me.” Tony repeated, then grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled down a few lines. “Also, can you run some simulations through JARVIS mixing that blood with this compound? I’m looking for compatibility, maybe even traces of the compound within the blood already. It also wouldn’t be the worst if you could tell me if this compound could be synthesized in a real sort of way, instead of existing as a Franken-cocktail? Pretty impressive medical breakthroughs if this is something we can make happen.” 

“I can do that.” Bruce picked up the other vials carefully. “If I can ask though, why aren’t  _you_ doing all these tests? You are obviously looking for something specific, wouldn’t it be faster if you did it?” 

“Oh I’m much too busy to run tests. I have plans today that involve scary rides and terrible food.” Bruce wrinkled his nose and Tony clarified, “I’m taking Bucky and Steve to a fair. It’s a nostalgia thing. Sort of a big deal for me. Too busy to run tests.” 

“Ah.” Bruce nodded slowly. “Nostalgia. That’s sweet. But what’s the  _real_ reason you’re not running the tests yourself?”

“I’m scared of what I’ll find.” Tony said bluntly. “Sort of terrified, if I’m being completely honest. So I’m going to go gorge myself on funnel cakes and candy apples while the super soldier duo discovers that the rides they remember at Coney Island are  _child’s play_  compared to what we have nowadays. We won’t be back until late tonight, maybe even tomorrow morning so could you text me when you figure a few things out? I don’t need definites? Just an idea of where we’re at it you can manage it.” 

“I’ll do my best.”

“You’re a gentleman and a scholar.” Tony finger gunned at Bruce and headed out the door, leaving the scientist staring thoughtfully down at the containers for a few minutes.

“JARVIS?”

“ _Yes, Dr. Banner_.”

“There’s a hematology machine in here, right? Or at least something approaching a diagnostic tool?”

“ _After Mr. Stark acquired the arc reactor, he outfitted the lab with several machines that an accomplish your goal, yes_.”

“Of course he did. You don’t happen to recognize this compound, do you? Something Tony’s worked with before?”

“ _That is the same compound Mr. Stark discovered buried in Sergeant Barnes’s Winter Soldier files. Based on the similarities to Captain Rogers’ blood, we believe it to be an alternate version of the super soldier serum_.”

“Oh.” Bruce’s eyes went very wide. “And he wants me to test for compatibility? That’s– that’s–” he blew out a deep breath. “That certainly changes things doesn’t it.”

********************

********************

“So what–” Happy glanced in the rear view mirror and didn’t even attempt to refrain from rolling his eyes when he saw Tony firmly snuggled into Bucky’s arms in the back of the limo, Steve stretched out along the seat with his head on Tony’s lap. “–Super soldiers don’t go to the fair? You guys have never seen a Ferris Wheel? I thought you old timers were all about Coney Island.”

“Old timers?” Tony waggled his eye brows at the driver. “Come on now, is that anyway to talk to members of the greatest generation?”

“I dunno.” Happy snarked back. “Why don’t you just let me know if I need to get their walkers out of the trunk, or does that fancy arm extend out into a cane for Shiny Grandpa over there?”

“Did he just–” Bucky frowned. “Did he just call me Shiny Grandpa?”

“Don’t mind him.” Tony ran gentle fingers through Steve’s hair and leaned back a little more in Bucky’s chest. “He’s just cranky cos I don’t call him to drive very often anymore. We used to race expensive cars to get ridiculous places and now he’s been relegated to driving Ms. Potts around in this very sensible limo.” 

“She’s much more boring than you are.” Happy said matter of factly. “I haven’t gotten a single speeding ticket in two years. It’s practically a travesty.” 

“That should be a good thing.” Steve pointed out and this time Happy and Tony rolled their eyes. “No I’m serious, speeding tickets aren’t something to be proud of. Safe driving is–”

“Stevie, I once saw ya throw a motorcycle at a Nazi.” Bucky drawled. “Maybe you don’t talk much about safe driving.”

“Throwing motorcycles at Nazis  _is_ safe driving.” Steve retorted and even Happy laughed at that.

It was close to forty five minutes later when Tony instructed, “Hap, just pull over here. We can walk the last few blocks to the fair. I want to have a video going when they see the rides for the first time.”

“Sure thing, Boss.” Happy pulled over towards the curb and unlocked the doors so they could pile out, rolling down his window when Tony tapped at the glass. “Everything alright?”

“Maybe next week we drag Rhodey away from Pepper.” Tony clasped a hand at Happy’s shoulder and shook it lightly. “I’ll ditch the Wonder Twins, how about the three of us head out to Atlantic City or even over to Vegas and see if we can’t crash a poker tournament? It’ll be just like old times except I might not be reckless enough to lose a quarter million dollars because some busty gal  _fondled my dice_.”

“I’m not driving you goons to Vegas.” Happy said flatly. “No, I’m serious. I remember the last road trip. You and the Colonel drunk and snoring in the backseat while I had to handle the freeways? Absolutely not. No way. Ms. Potts pays me way too much for me to put up with your bullshit anymore.” 

“We’ll take the jet.” Tony coaxed. “The one with the pretty stewardesses and the and warm sake. I’ll even make sure there’s fresh sushi on board. Sound good?”

“That sounds real good.” Happy’s smile was just edging towards melancholy. “Been a long time since we did anything like that, since before you joined up with the super squad, right?” 

“I know, I know.” Tony checked over his shoulder to make sure Bucky and Steve hadn’t wandered off. “But now that life is settling down again, we’ll start making time, right? I love you, Happy. My days just aren’t the same without you in them.”

“Oh come on.” Happy shrugged Tony’s hand away and complained, “Come on, why do you gotta make it weird? It was such a good moment and now it’s weird!”

“Happy–!” Tony laughed out loud. “Come on! Bond with me!” 

“I hope you throw up on one of the rides.” Happy informed him, and spun away from the curb.

“What was that all about?” Steve wanted to know, linking their fingers together when Tony finally joined them on the sidewalk.

“Happy and Rhodey and I used to hang out at poker tournaments.” Tony handed the tickets over to Bucky and started down the block that would take them to the fair entrance. “Back when I was in between relationships or when Rhodey was home from deployment, we’d pile into one of the cars and drive wherever and spend way too much money on chips and food and drinks, stumble home three or four days later with hangovers that lasted a damn week– good times.”

“That… that sounds terrible.” Bucky countered. “Big waste of money and a hangover to boot?”

“Oh no, it was terrible.” Tony said confidently. “Just the absolute worst. But one day when Happy won’t kill us all by driving off a bridge out of embarrassment, you should ask to see the tattoo he got back in ‘06. That trip was a  _doozy_.”

“Where does Happy have a tattoo?”

“Exactly where you’d think he does.”

“Oh god.”

“Yep.” Tony popped the ‘p’ sound of the word and reached over to nudge Bucky gently. “You excited for the fair? Last time around we didn’t get to do a whole bunch, but at least this time we can hold hands in public, right?”

“Yeah, sweet thing.” Bucky did exactly that, taking Tony’s other hand and brushing a kiss to his knuckles. “That’ll make the day worth it, jus’ like this.”

“I dunno why you’re so excited about the fair, Tony.” Steve cut in. “Can’t see how they could have changed that much since the last time, right? Games are still rigged, rides are still sorta cheesy, food will give you a stomach ache… what’s so great about it?”

“You think the rides are cheesy?” Tony bit his lip almost to bleeding so his innocent expression wouldn’t crack. “Is  _that_ what you think?  _Cheesy_? Not scary at all? You think you can handle all the rides these days?”

“I’m a super soldier, Tony.” Steve scoffed and Tony eyebrows damn near flew off his face. “I can handle whatever ride some ol’ county fair is going to have.”

“Whatever you say, Spangles.” Tony casually opened the camera on his phone and aimed it at Steve. “Now when you see the ride they call the  _Screamin’ Swing_? I want you to smile real big for me. That bitch swings people over a hundred feet into the air at a breezy sixty something miles per hour and I want to capture the look on your face for eternity when you see it operate. Watch that and tell me if it’s anything like Coney Island in the forties.”

“Tony.” Steve sent him a  _look_. “No way anyone would ever pay to be put into something that dangerous. That sounds completely–”

There was a noise like a plane landing, a  _roar_ and an ear splitting scream and Steve threw himself on Tony, rolling onto the ground first to prevent any bruises, then covering Tony with his bulk. Bucky went into defensive move, his back to Steve and Tony, eyes darting all around the street, looking pissed as hell that he didn’t have a weapon, left fist cocked back ready to hurt someone anyway.

It took the soldiers a full three minutes to realize Tony was  _crying_ with laughter, pushing at Steve to get off so he could actually breathe, chuckles that were more along the lines of guffaws escaping even though he tried to muffle them.

“What–” Steve looked around. “What the hell, Tony?”

“That was a roller coaster.” Tony got to his feet and wiped the dirt from his jeans, the tears from his face. “Specifically the AfterShock coaster that is here at the county fair for the very first time this year.” 

“ _That’s_ a roller coaster?” Bucky had gone very pale, backing away from the building to look up and up at the track that soared high above their heads. “Stevie–?”

“Fuck me.” Steve gulped when a set of swings over a hundred feet high picked up speed, high pitched screams just barely audible from the ground. “We don’t have to go on that, do we? I mean, Bucky does. Cos this one time at Coney he made me ride the Cyclone and I threw up. So Bucky  _has_ to do it. Me? I’m not getting on anything that high.”

“Aw come on, Spangles.” Tony grabbed both their hands and tried his hardest to drag them closer to the gates. “It will be fun! You’re so brave, right? Big ol’ super soldier, took down planes and trains and all sorts of automobiles? You can handle the Sky Swat,  _right_?”

“I absolutely cannot.” Steve denied, planting his feet firmly next to an equally stubborn Bucky. “No way. You and Bucky do it.”

“Me?” Tony tapped at his chest. “I’m a middle aged man with a heart condition, they won’t even let me near the fried ice cream. And Bucky–” he stopped, a frown flitting across his features. “Bucky bear, I didn’t really think if this would be difficult for you. The noise and ground shaking and crowds and screaming? We don’t have to do this if it’s going to trigger you or–”

“Tony.” Bucky cut him off with a quick kiss. “I’m fine, that stuff don’t bother me much anymore, not if I know to expect it. That sorta thing is normal at fairs, I’ll be fine.” 

“Oh good.” Tony still looked concerned. “I was so excited to do the fair thing again, I didn’t even think about–”

“Why are you excited about this?” Steve interrupted to ask again, waving his hand to encompass the rides that they could see from the sidewalk. “What is it about a fair that’s a big deal?”

“It’s a fair.” Tony emphasized and when two blank looks was all he received, he sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “It’s– it’s not as big a deal to you guys because it wasn’t the last time you saw each other, but the night we went to the fair with Peggy was the last time  _I_  saw you guys before Bucky–” he looked away, shook his head. “It was the last time we were happy together. The last time we–” Tony stopped again, his jaw clenching and this time when Steve crowded him close to the wall, it was to hold him close, Bucky following suit.

“Sorry.” Tony muttered. “I know the fair wasn’t all that special but for me it really was. It’s been my favorite memory for ever now and–”

“Hey hey hey.” Bucky hushed him. “Hey, it’s okay, it’s okay. Babydoll, that’s the night we said I love you for the first time, of course it was special.”

“Me too, sweetheart.” Steve whispered. “Not for the same reasons it is for you guys, but I know it was the last time we were all together. I remember taking the pictures and dancing together and how happy everyone was. I know. I’m sorry we didn’t think about it.”

“Sorry, Tony.” Bucky murmured into his hair. “The fair’s a great idea.”

“Okay.” Tony couldn’t even pretend he wasn’t close to tears, budged tight between the two men he loved and trying to keep his breathing under control. “Sorry, I just–”

“Don’t be sorry.” Steve said immediately. “Don’t be sorry. It’s okay. Should’a realized this was more about the nostalgia and less about the–” he grimaced as the roller coaster screamed by again. “–about what ever the hell passes for a ride these days.”

“You guys still want to go?” Tony asked quietly and Bucky nodded. “You’ll win me prizes at the games?”

“So many prizes.” Steve promised. “Rigged games can’t stop Captain America.”

“That was fuckin’ terrible.” Bucky shoved at Steve’s chest. “Don’t say stuff like that when Tony’s upset! Be serious!” 

“Actually, Steve being self righteous enough to out smart even rigged games is sort of reassuring.” Tony countered and Steve squeezed him into a tighter hug. “I want one of those giant obnoxious stuffed animals. Probably an octopus.”

“Hell babydoll,  _I’ll_ win you an octopus.” Bucky assured him, hugging Tony to his side and herding him back towards the gate. “If a bionic arm can’t win ya one of those things, no one can.”

“The right arm of patriotism and freedom can.” Steve snorted, and by the time they handed off their tickets to the kid behind the gate and got through the initial lines, Tony was laughing again, pointing excitedly at the prizes he wanted, snapping pictures of Steve’s horrified face over the size of the rides, pictures of Bucky’s grin over giant turkey legs, and selfies of the three of them in front of various animals and performers.

Bands were performing through out the day on a circular stage near the middle of the fair grounds, a dance floor of hard packed dirt spread out in front and Tony toe tapped to the beat when they took a break from walking to sit and have grilled corn on the cob along with bits and pieces out of the disgustingly big bag of cotton candy Steve had insisted on buying.

“I never got to eat this before!” he said over a full mouthful of the sugar sweet fluff. “I didn’t even know it came in different colors! This is amazing!” 

“Are you or I gonna tell him his lips are blue?” Bucky muttered around a bite of funnel cake drowning in whipped cream and hot fudge. “Cos it ain’t cute.”

“It’s pretty cute.” Tony held up his phone and snapped a picture. “But I’m not kissing him until he brushes his teeth.

“The hell you are!” Steve leaned over and smecked a sticky, sugary kiss onto Tony’s cheek, leaving him with a smear of blue on his face. “There. Now you’re beautiful.”

Tony sighed as loudly as he could before discarding the rest of his candy apple in the trash and wandering off to find a bathroom to clean his face, and the moment he was out of hearing range, Steve kicked Bucky in the shin as hard as he could.

“ _OW_!” Bucky kicked him right back. “Damn it, Stevie! What was that for?”

“Ask Tony to dance.” Steve ordered, jerking his thumb towards the dance floor. “Maybe not right now, but when the sun starts going down or something. Ask him to dance.”

“I was planning on it!” Bucky kept rubbing at his shin, glaring at Steve from across the table. “Soon as he said it was all nostalgia with this sorta thing I knew I hadta ask him.”

“Pictures too.” Steve added and Bucky nodded thoughtfully. “We should definitely get pictures done at one of the photo booths.”

“Yeah. To put up at the cabin?”

“Exactly.”

“He’ll love it.” Bucky tossed a wet wipe at Steve and went back to his funnel cake. “An’ we sure as hell love him.”

“Ain’t  _that_ the truth.”

*****************

Tony didn’t know what to think when they came back by the bands a few hours later and Bucky handed off the giant octopus to Steve before taking Tony’s hands and leading him out onto the floor.

“Bucky bear?” Tony let Bucky pull him close, moving easily to the music. “What are we doing?”

“Dancing.” Bucky said simply, walking Tony through a turn. “Felt like that was obvious.”

“Smart ass.” Tony grinned and scooted back up close, hooking an arm around Bucky’s neck and swaying a little faster. “I meant  _why_.  _Why_ are we dancing?” 

“Why?” Bucky repeated, his eyes darting over towards a couple that came a hint too close and moving Tony just a few steps further away so they had a little privacy. “Cos about seventy two years ago, you and I went to a fair and we both danced with Stevie’s dame and didn’t get to dance with each other and that seems like a damn shame.”

“Oh I dunno, I remember a  _very_ specific dance.” Tony let his fingers tangle in the ends of Bucky’s hair, tugging lightly until the pale blue eyes sparked invitingly. “Involving slow music and wild flowers and a lot of wine and a towel that stayed on a truly remarkable amount of time considering where we were and what we were doing.”

“I remember that dance too.” Bucky chuckled and held Tony tighter. “But I also remember bein’ sorta upset that I couldn’t dance with my fella with everyone watching. That we couldn’t hold hands or share a drink or kiss without worryin’ what people would say.”

“Ah. And now we finally get that dance?”

Bucky bent to kiss the sadness away, lingering over the embrace until Tony’s breath hitched and he pressed closer, resting his head on Bucky’s shoulder.

“Now we finally get that dance.”

*******************

They danced for a long time together, through song after song as the beat slowed and the stars came out and eventually they were just swaying together, Tony’s eyes closed and Bucky’s arms secure at his waist, turning to leave gentle kisses at Tony’s temple.

Steve was happy to watch and wait, snacking at his second bag of cotton candy until it was gone, finishing off the deep fried pickle Tony had been nibbling at, sitting content along the bench with the giant octopus to keep him company.

“Hey.” Tony’s cheeks were flushed with pleasure when they finally came back over, his eyes soft and sparkling, leaving one last kiss on Bucky’s lips before dropping into Steve’s lap and hugging him tight.

“Hey sweetheart.” Steve buried his nose in Tony’s hair and wrapped both arms around him. “How was your dance?”

“Amazing.” Tony admitted and Bucky gave him another kiss. “You want to dance too?”

“You know I can’t dance.” Steve denied, making room for Bucky on the bench next to him. “Couldn’t dance on the USO tour, couldn’t hardly dance with Peggy other than a slow dance, definitely can’t dance now.”

“We could slow dance.” Tony started to argue, but Steve quieted him with a kiss and a whispered, “I got something else in mind.”

*******************

To say Tony was delighted when Steve led them over to the photobooth was an understatement. Face still flushed from his dance with Bucky, Tony’s smile nearly split his face when he saw the sign, taking off at a near run and trying to drag the soldiers long with him.

“ _Urgh_ , I don’t think we fit in these things anymore!” Steve huffed a laugh when he shoved into the booth and ended up knocking Bucky right off the bench and out the other side. “Sorry, Buck.”

“Keep your big ass on your side.” Bucky grumbled and squeezed in tight against Tony. “Maybe you shouldn’a ate so much cotton candy, maybe then you’d fit.” 

“Yeah, the cotton candy was a mistake.” Steve used the mirror to wipe the last bit of sugar floss from his face. “Worth it, though.”

“Okay what pose should we do?” Tony was cramped in the middle of them, but didn’t care, resting a hand on Bucky’s knee and the other a little higher on Steve’s thigh. “Just smiles?”

“Maybe just smiles this time around.” Bucky agreed. “Can put it up in the cabin and it’ll match th’ other ones, huh?”

Steve and Tony voiced their agreement, they all turned to the camera with smiles ready for the flash and at the last second Steve murmured, “Cmere, sweetheart.” and slid his fingers over Tony’s jaw and into his hair, turning him around for a sweet kiss.

 _Flash_!

“What th’ hell!” Bucky scowled over at them. “We were supposed to be smilin’!” He put his hand in Steve’s face and shoved him away as Tony giggled over Steve’s squawk of indignation.

 _Flash_!

“If he gets’ta kiss ya, I want a kiss too.” Bucky decided and coaxed Tony in for a long kiss, moaning exaggeratedly just so Steve would roll his eyes.

 _Flash_!

“I’m just saying, I have two cheeks boys.” Tony pointed at both sides of his face. “You can both kiss me at the same time. It’s totally doable.” 

 _Flash_!

The camera went off as both Steve and Bucky smooshed rather enthusiastic kisses onto his cheeks, Tony tossing back his head and laughing in sheer delight.  

“They’re good pictures.” Tony decided, holding the strip up to the street light so he could see it better. “I love them.” then with a glance up at both his soldiers, “I love you guys.”

##  [{{SEE THE PHOTOS HERE}} ](https://latelierderiot.tumblr.com/image/185536597752)

_(be sure to leave a like for our artist!)_

“We love you too, babe.” Steve promised, putting a few more dollars in the machine so it gave them extra copies. “So so much.”

“Yeah?” Tony asked, and Bucky dropped one eye in a wink.

“Oh sure thing, sweet thing.”

*********************

*********************

It was morning before Tony came down from his high with Steve and Bucky long enough to remember what he’d talked about with Bruce.

But waking up and stretching through a yawn, trading sleepy kisses with Steve as the sun came through the windows of the penthouse and getting cuddles from shower fresh and still warm Bucky was so amazing Tony could be forgiven for forgetting about something as minimal as–

“ _Sir. Dr. Banner is insisting you come down to the lab immediately_.” JARVIS broke into the quiet, his voice at a soothing volume but still an unwelcome intrusion into their peaceful morning. “ _Immediately_.”

“Oh, right.” It all came rushing back– the panic he hadn’t really managed to hide from Bruce, the anxiety that had kept him in a stranglehold for the three days before he’d finally gone downstairs and asked– and Tony closed his eyes. “Thank you, J.”

“Everything okay, sweetheart?” Steve got out of bed when Tony did, slipping into his jeans from the night before and rustling through Tony’s closet for one of his shirts leftover from the last time he’d slept in the penthouse. “You look tense.”

“Shirt that’ll fit me in there?” Bucky asked and Steve tossed one his way. “What’s going on, Tony?”

“I don’t actually know yet.” Tony admitted, zipping into a hoodie. “Can you guys come with me though? I think you should be there for this too. Sorta affects you.”

Bucky shot Steve a concerned look. “Sugar, is everythin’ okay?”

“I really don’t know.” Tony splashed some water through his hair and forced a smile to his face. “But we won’t know until we get down there, right? Let’s go already.”

The walk down to the lab was silent, tense, Tony chewing at his thumbnail and humming distractedly, one hand coming back over and over to his heart, to the glow of the reactor and Steve and Bucky kept looking at each other, and then over at Tony, dread settling low in their stomachs.

_What the hell was wrong?_

“Hey guys.” Bruce glanced up from the computer when they came in, but he wasn’t smiling and that made Tony flatten his palm over his reactor, his face paling. “Glad you made it. Take a seat and we’ll get right into it.” 

Bucky and Steve sat, but Tony paced behind them anxiously. “What’d you find out, Brucie?”

“So.” Bruce cleared his throat and pulled up a holographic display above his desk. “I analyzed the three vials of blood you brought me and broke it down to it’s basic elements. Ran it through every test possible, stared through a microscope for six hours–”

“–thank you Bruce.”

“– any time Tony. Anyway, all that work and this is what I found out.” the screen changed and they were all looking at a display of red and white blood cells, formulas that Bucky and Steve didn’t stand a chance at understanding, and an equation that made Tony stop in his tracks.

“There’s nothing wrong with the blood.” Bruce explained when no one said anything for several minutes. “No elevated white counts, no deformation in the cellular structure, nothing along those lines. Whoever’s blood this is? Perfectly healthy. Completely average for a thirty year old, which is the closest approximate age I could figure out.”

“Thirty.” Tony repeated.

“Thirty.” Bruce nodded. “The only thing I did notice, and it would take more than twenty four hours worth of observation to confirm, was that the regeneration of these cells is remarkably slow. A normal red blood cell in a healthy individual takes about four months to regenerate and we’ve actually gotten to the point where we can see it happening in a microscope, actually  _see_ the degeneration, it’s absolutely amazing–”

“Bruce.” Tony cleared his throat. “Get to the point? Please?”

“Right right.” Bruce motioned to the display. “I’ve been observing these red cells for twenty four hours and I haven’t seen any degeneration at all. That’s why the color threw me off originally, there’s no visible activity within the cells so they aren’t the same color as others. It’s almost as if the cells aren’t aging, which of course means the  _person_ isn’t aging, or at least aging at a slow enough rate to not be noticeable. I’d guess at least two times slower than average, maybe even three which means their aging would be on hold for at least another thirty years. Most people start noticeably aging right around their later forties? This person wouldn’t see that sort of thing until closer into the end of their seventies and possibly later.”

“And the compound?” Bruce brought up another screen. “In simulations, it took to this altered blood seamlessly. No issues.”

“…none?” Tony sounded weak, and Steve reached back to steady him. “None at all?”

“Not a single one.”

“What’s the compound?” Bucky finally asked. “And whose blood is it?”

“This compound is the super serum that makes you into the ass kicking sum’bitch you are.” Tony told him and Bucky raised a surprised eyebrow. “It’s a more complicated version of Steve’s, which is why you survived so many years in and out of cryo freeze. It’s arguable that Steve wouldn’t have survived what you did with the basic version of the serum, but yours allowed for pretty intense physical stress without compromising your biological make up.”

“…kay.” Bucky narrowed his eyes. “So whose blood is it? Did you track down another super soldier? Someone else HYDRA got to? I sorta remember hearing things about a couple of twins they got a hold of and–”

“It’s my blood.” Tony interrupted and Bucky froze, Steve turning around to stare at him in shock and Bruce’s expression clearing in understanding. “It’s– It’s mine. My blood. I drew it yesterday morning and had Bruce test it.” 

“Tony.” Steve didn’t even know what to say, his eyes wide. “Tony– what? How is this  _your_ blood? What does this mean, you– you aren’t aging? Your body will accept the serum? What’s going on?” 

“I noticed after New York that some things were different.” Tony said vaguely. “And I’m admittedly not the best at taking care of myself, but after Afghanistan I’ve been careful with my heart and lately I just– I just felt like something was wrong.”

“It’s not wrong, Tony.” Bruce pulled up more equations. “It’s incredible. You’ve essentially stopped aging. You have the molecular make up of a thirty year old. This was from the wormhole, wasn’t it? From going through something created by the Tessaract. The power of an item like that literally altered your molecular biology.” 

“Most likely.” Tony nodded, meeting Bucky and Steve’s stunned stare with a hesitant smile. “After I realized something was off, I thought I’d try running tests with Bucky’s serum to see if it could counteract the blood issue, but as it turns out–”

“Super soldier serum could extend your life sixty or seventy years.” Bruce said incredulously, and then with a frown, “Or overload your system and rip you apart. Too much of a risk, Tony. Don’t do it.”

“I know.” Another nod. “I uh– I figured if something  _was_ wrong with my system, we’d attempt the serum to fix it. But if it turned out to be the opposite of what I was afraid of–” he gestured towards the screen. “– I was going to let the serum idea go, maybe pursue it on a smaller scale for applications in health care? Don’t worry, I wasn’t going to take a risk with that sort of thing without talking to someone first.”

“So this means you’re not aging?” Steve clarified. “You’re  _thirty_?”

“Went through the wormhole and lost fifteen years with you guys in the war.” Tony smiled over Bruce’s noise of confusion. “I was basically thirty the entire time back then and apparently I never got those years  _back_ either. At least not according to the tests. So we won’t know for sure for a while, but it sorta seems like I’m– like I’m gonna be around longer than we all thought.” 

Silence in the lab, Bucky’s brow drawn down over his eyes, Steve staring at the floor in thought, Bruce looking between all three and not really understanding what was going on, why the soldiers were so thrown by the idea and why Tony kept making references to the  _war_. 

“Say something.” Tony finally spoke after almost four minutes. “Spangles, Brooklyn. “Say something. Anything. What are you thinking about?”

“I’m thinking–” Steve blew out a deep breath. “I’m thinking that I don’t really get all the science of this? But it sounds to me like the wormhole didn’t just  _bring_ you to us, but it ended up giving us more time with you now, too.”

“–I guess?” Tony raised his eyebrows hopefully. “I mean yeah, it altered my cellular make up and that’s crazy and we’ll have to keep an eye on it but it sure seems like it’s okay for now, right?”

“It does.” Steve stood and shook Bruce’s hand. “Thanks, Bruce. Real fan of your work right now.” then he crossed over to Tony and drew him in for a long kiss. “M’gonna go for a run and then I think we should see about making good use of all this extra time we suddenly have, huh?”

“Uh– yep?” Tony said in surprise. “Yeah that’s– that’s– we can do that.” he turned his attention to Bucky. “What about you, soldier? What do you think?”

“What do I think?” Bucky stood and followed Steve towards the door, stopping to wind both his hands into Tony’s hair and kiss him about breathless. “Sweet thing, it seems t’ me like time’s standin’ still to make sure we get to love each other longer. Simple as that.”

“S-Simple as that.”

“Gonna go whoop Stevie’s ass on a run then I’ll come back and we can celebrate, kay?”

“….yeah.”

Tony stood where he was for a long time after Bucky and Steve left, Bruce watching him carefully, Tony staring at nothing at the wall.

“Tony?” Bruce finally asked. “You alright?”

“I thought you were gonna tell me I was dying.” Tony said all in a rush, almost falling into the closest chair. “Loving two guys like Bucky and Steve– you know, I always knew they’re gonna out live me, with my heart problems and reactor and all that. Figured I’d be gearing up to say goodbye here in about twenty years but this is– this is–”

“It’s a miracle, is what it is.” Bruce finished. “I mean not really, because  _science_. But it’s a miracle. Sorta like time travel and you ending up what.. in the war? Is that your connection to these two? You wanna– you wanna tell me about that whole thing or…?”

“It’s a story best shared over tequila.” Tony said dryly and Bruce nodded in agreement. “But soon, alright?”

“Sounds good, Tony.” Bruce turned back to his computer. “Can we draw some more blood next week? I’d like to observe it for several days at least to make sure my initial numbers were correct.”

“Sure thing, Brucie.”

“Go on then.” Bruce motioned to the door. “Go celebrate. You got the time for it now, right?”

“…Right. I’ve got time.” 

_***************_

_Epilogue_

_***************_

The cabin in the clearing was lit with the evening sun, the front door and windows open to let the breeze in and a bottle of wine open on the porch table, two more discarded in the trash already because it had been a lazy afternoon and was slipping into a tipsy night and things were  _good_.

Outside in the yard were happy voices, shouting laughter and teasing remarks, bits of silence where kisses were shared, soft music on for the occasional twirl about the grass while the food was cooking.

Inside the cabin was quiet, a few fans stirring the heated air, the curtains fluttering by the big picture window that looked out along the river. There were blankets piled on the couch from an early morning snuggle fest, a towel still hanging on the bathroom door from a post run shower, and a jaw of M&Ms that was mostly empty thanks  _entirely_ to one greedy blond soldier.

The mantle above the fire was river wood, smooth and worn with gold crackling in the breaks and divots along the surface, an odd but lovely piece, a statement about beauty being found even after trauma and damage and years of being alone. 

On top the mantle sat a framed collage with a dozen different pictures of two soldiers, a genius billionaire and a lovely woman of nearly a hundred, all smiling, laughing, clearly lost in the moment together.

Draped over the corner of the frame was a pocket watch holding a picture of a younger woman with the same sparkling smile, the same lovely eyes and tucked into the bottom of the frame was a much  _older_ photo of the same four people, the date scribbled in the corner giving a time stamp of  _1945_.

A bouquet of wild flowers propped up a brand new of photos from one of those booths at the fair, two soldiers and a fluffy haired brunette sharing kisses, and next to that, two black and white photos from the same sort of booth just over seventy years prior, quick snap shots of friends and lovers smiling from ear to ear at each other because at that moment in time, they hadn’t ever been that happy before and they didn’t know it yet, but they wouldn’t be that happy again for a long time.

But they were happy again now, the two sets of dog tags sharing the same box as on overly expensive Bulgari watch, a pawn ticket tucked into the corner scrawled with  _Stan Lee, Owner_  proof that somehow their lives had come back around to start all over again in a new century. 

There was a story behind the pictures, a story behind the flowers and the dog tags and the watch and it was a story that that few people would ever know and fewer  _still_ would ever believe, but that didn’t matter to the three men outside.

Time had fallen away to bring them all together, had somehow erased the years after  _goodbye_ so they could find each other again and now, time was standing still so the long awaited happily ever after was finally within reach. 

And if  _happily ever after_  took another life time and a half to find, they weren’t going to worry.

Together, they had all the time in the world to figure it out.


End file.
